Proud to be dull

[Whatwasthat]

I should start by saying that actually, despite the thread title, I don't really believe I'm dull!

But I am reaching a point in life when I realise how important it is to 'own' and be proud of characteristics which, for much of my life, I've believed WERE dull.

I'm the kind of person who enjoys small pleasures. I like sitting in a sunny garden, chatting with one or two friends over a cup of tea, reading a good book and having a friendly conversation with someone in a shop. I don't like big parties, am a useless dancer and would have made a very bad actress and a hopeless deal-making business person. I'm fairly risk averse.  I have a horror of being in debt for anything (except a house) and like well organised paperwork.

I've always been like this. Quite quiet, very responsible, fairly shy but happy with a small group of friends. I was never destined to be - or happy being - 'the life and soul of the party'. And for most of my life I've regarded myself as pretty tedious - and have tried to 'reform' myself. I really don't see it that way any more.

Maybe it's easier to say 'this is who I am' now I'm middle-aged, than it would have been in my 20s. That's almost certainly true. But, thinking back, I detect a pattern in myself of resisting my true identity which others didn't show. On one level I think that's quite easy to understand. I grew up in awe of a much older sister who was glamorous, highly emotional and very attractive to men and an older brother who, having his own problems, was often dismissive of 'dull' and 'conventional' ways of living. I was too young to be of much interest to them and so tried hard to win their attention and paid too much heed to what they thought mattered. It seems to have taken a long time to get beyond that.

I wonder if anyone else has had a long drawn out process of accepting themselves in this way? For me, it's a big relief to feel OK with being dull! And in case anyone like me, but younger, is reading this. Please embrace your 'inner dull person' as soon as you can!

[half-life]

I'm very much similar to you. I have a quiet temperament. I prefer small group to big parties. I was never the center of attention. I don't think of myself of being dull though. Sometimes I can be self-conscious when I am not finding conversation topic with some people. Or we might have an engaging conversation for half an hour, and then it came to a awkward silence and I don't know to continue it further or if I should let just it tail off.

But then I think my inner world is in fact very rich. I could have worked on telling my story better and it could be very interesting to many people. I accept I have a quiet character. But I'd like to be able to connect to other people with more ease.

So instead of labeling ourselves as dull, think of your good characters. What is the good thing about you that other people should know more? What is your story? Everyone has stories. Are there interesting ones you can tell us?

[heartandwhole]

Right on, Whatwasthat!    I celebrate your "dullness," which to me simply sounds like reserve, introversion, and thoughtfulness. I think those qualities are very valuable, especially in today's culture, which seems to emphasize the outward and external to an extreme degree.

I feel that I've had an exciting and unconventional life, and yet, I find that I am craving more and more stillness and internal focus (even though there has been plenty of that until now). As you say, small pleasures are more important to me than a big party or mass celebration. That said, there are times when I really do enjoy being in a crowd, dancing up a storm, or screaming at a soccer match with a pint of beer. But those times are becoming fewer and farther between, and that is okay with me right now. So, it seems, I'm embracing my dullness, too.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm too boring to attract a partner who intrigues and challenges me... .but then I remember that I have a lot to offer and am grateful for my life experiences, with all the advantages and disadvantages that come with them.

Do you think your "dullness" is more a kind of introversion? It sounds like your siblings were quite extraverted, so it makes sense that you may have fought your natural inclination in order to be accepted. What role did your culture play? I grew up in America, and I feel that the culture values extraversion more.

heartandwhole

[Whatwasthat]

What a kind and thoughtful reply half-life - thank you! It's nice to meet someone else who has a similar approach to life - and I think you're quite right not to consider yourself 'dull' - but rather to celebrate your rich inner life. It sounds like you've come to terms with your true identity.

I can really relate to what you say about finding it difficult to sustain long conversations with strangers. My approach is usually to ask lots of things about the other person. It's good that you're working out how to talk about yourself more fluently - to be honest I suspect I shall always be a bit reluctant to do that with people I don't know well.

But I'm quite genuine when I say that I'm reaching a stage in life when I can happily accept that I am not, and have never been, an extroverted 'party person'. And I really wish I'd woken up to the fact that that's OK much earlier in life!

So nice to hear from you Heartandwhole!

I think that tendency to shift more inwards that you've experienced is natural as we get older. And yes - I'm sure you're right - I'm simply quite an introverted person.

What you say about cultural influence is very important. I'm British - which I know many people naturally assume means  shy and retiring. And I guess we are less extrovert than many Americans, for example. But I was definitely more  self contained than my school friends when I was growing up. And - as mentioned before - my older sister was right at the other end of the scale. I admired her so much that I wanted to be like her, and indeed be liked BY her. Hence my belief (for much of my life) that my natural, quiet self needed to change.

Thank you so much for saying you value the more 'inward' and thoughtful qualities in people.

[Grey Kitty]

You are coming to healthy terms with a lifelong history of being criticized for being "dull".

Embracing it as part of who you are, which is something good (or at least neutral), instead of bad is healthy. Claiming/owning your dullness sounds like a great thing for you.

It is up to you how much you want to proudly call yourself dull, and when you want to 

[julie frances lloyd]

I definitely have had mixed messages in that regard  My mother loves to tell me I am stupid. My stepfather did an IQ test and said I am gifted. So I've always thought of myself as a clueless bright person. I certainly feel that way in certain situations. Clueless that is.

[julie frances lloyd]

My exhusband is very bright and has lovely hair. I think that is why I put up with him so long. My current husband is also but in a different way.

[Whatwasthat]

Thank you Grey Kitty! Yes. I think this is really just about becoming comfortable with who I really am - and not minding how I might be judged by others. As long as the  characteristics I'm accepting and 'owning' aren't damaging to other people of course... .

It's taken me quite a few decades to get to this point. I hope others can manage it a bit more quickly!

I hope you feel able to process those 'mixed messages', Yello, and reach your own conclusions.