This relationship has destroyed my mind

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'd like to preface this by saying that I don't know if this individual has BPD or a different personality or not. I've been doing a ton of research to try to come to terms with what's occurred, and to try to understand, or to have some shred of closure, and it's led me here. I've posted this on a different message board, but the few answers I received were unhelpful. My research has revealed that his behaviors share similarities with those with BPD.

I'm hoping to gain some understanding and maybe some support about the primary relationship in my life. This is difficult for me to talk about because I am very confused and hurt by this individual's behavior, so please bear with me, this will probably be lengthy. I would really like some insight from people who may have dealt with a significant other who has a personality disorder, because I'm completely at a loss. I have no one else to discuss this with.

(Note: the texts and conversations I describe herein are paraphrased; I do not quote anything directly.)


I suppose I should give some background about myself first, because it may or may not be relevant to what has transpired. I am a queer female who loves people regardless of their gender. I also have my share of psychological things, like chronic depression and PTSD, as a result of ongoing physical and emotional abuse by my parents throughout my childhood, which I've been working on for several years now.

I met a guy my freshman year of college who lived on the same floor as me in our dorm and we became friends almost right away, and after a few months we became very close. He was always gentle and kind and soft spoken. After about six months of knowing him, our relationship became something more than friends. We always spent a lot of time alone together, usually just talking or hanging out together. I felt so close with him. We'd talk and laugh for hours, sometimes about deep stuff like philosophy and the universe (no kidding) and sometimes about ridiculous stuff. After a while we would cuddle, take naps together, but we were never "together".

The first red flag I noticed was that he would sometimes push me around, and I never understood why. If we met on the sidewalk he would pull me toward him and hug me, and then shove me away from him. Or we would be hanging out and suddenly he would shove me. He'd also do things like pick me up, tickle me, etc. but he'd never ask me beforehand and after a while it made me uncomfortable. He never physically hurt me, per se. He always made this like it was a joke, and he'd do it in front of his friends, and they'd all laugh, including me sometimes. It didn't seem anything cruel at the time, just odd. I always thought of it more like the little boy who sits behind a girl in school and pulls her pigtails and teases her because he likes her.

The second thing that concerned me about his behavior was that, while our physically and emotionally intimate relationship continued, he was dating someone else. This bothered me, not just because it made me feel unworthy of commitment, but I felt bad for his girlfriend at the time. I'm certain she never knew anything about my relationship with him. Because of this, I tried to distance myself from him, so that our relationship was more just a friendship, despite my feelings for him.

With time, his behavior became (in retrospect), very controlling. Sometimes he would pull me into his room and into his bed when his room mate was out, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. And while he never asked or forced himself onto me, I'm wondering now if he really just wanted sex from me. If I cuddled with him for a while and didn't do anything, he would shove me violently away from him and become very dismissive and cold toward me. Remembering this now, it's almost like he just expected sex to happen or something. I had never had sex with guys, so I wasn't sure what to do and I was very shy, and I wasn't quite sure if I even wanted to go there with him at the time. What's worse, if the few times I tried to ask him about it, or about our relationship in general, he would change the subject. I wasn't very assertive back then, so I would just let it go.

His behavior toward me grew more strange. He would be very warm and sweet and gentle toward me, and then at the drop of a hat, for seemingly no reason at all, the next time I'd see him he'd ignore me, or he'd be totally rude and callous. I immediately always just thought it was something I'd done wrong, because my parents had been cruel toward me my entire life. He was studying psychology at the time, and once I saw him at a party after not seeing him for several weeks, when he was doing an internship with a therapy clinic. I asked him how he liked it and what he was doing there, and he'd say very mean things like (paraphrase) "I'm helping people like you", and I asked him what he meant by that and he said something like (again, paraphrase) "People who are a danger to themselves and others".  That was very hurtful toward me, but I supposed he was right. He knew about my depression and PTSD... .Then after acting like that, next time I'd see him he'd be all sweet and kind again.

He would do other things that steadily made me more and more fed up with his behavior. He'd text me and ask if I wanted to hang out, or I would text him, and we'd agree to meet somewhere. I would go to the designated place and wait for him, and sometimes he wouldn't show up. So I would text him and ask where he was and when he'd be there, and he'd tell me his class let out late, or he was just finishing up a paper and would be on his way in a few minutes or whatever. Sometimes he would show, sometimes I would wait for an hour and he'd never show up, no text or call or anything. Later, I'd find out he had gone to hang out with other people. Once I called him on this, and he apologized profusely and said that he'd been so busy he'd forgotten, and he'd make it up to me.

Then there was one time, during my sophomore year, when he texted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him at his new apartment. He'd just gotten some new Xbox games that we both wanted to play, so I came over. His room mate was home for the weekend. The first thing he did when he opened the door was lunge at me. It was very disturbing and now, thinking back, frightening. He'd never been that aggressive toward me. What's more, he pulled me toward him, and put me in something like a headlock, and all but dragged me to him room, ignoring me when I said "ouch, that hurts"... .

I should have kicked his ass then and there. But the moment we sat down, he seemed all "normal" again, I guess. We played for a while, then he turned off the Xbox and suggested we take a nap, which I agreed to. He held me tight. It was peaceful and lovely, or seemed to be. Then, very suddenly, he bit me. I shouted, and told him it hurt, and I was so confused. Before I could ask or say much of anything else, he rolled on top of me and pinned me to the bed. I immediately closed off. It was way too weird, he wouldn't say anything. Any "mood" that might have been there was completely killed by how bizarre his behavior was toward me, not just that day, but throughout my entire relationship with him. I had no idea what he wanted, he always just waived off my efforts to discuss anything about our relationship. I thought maybe talking about love or relationships or sex was difficult for him and that's why he never asked for anything, but I was so afraid of making assumptions or doing something wrong or without mutual consent.

... .After he rolled on top of me and I turned away, he pushed me so hard I fell off the bed and he left the room. I was shocked and confused, so I just sat there on the floor for a few minutes, waiting for him to come back. He didn't, so I followed him and found him in the kitchen, heating up a can of soup. I came up to him, tried (albeit meekly) to get him to talk to me, but he just kept his back to me, either not answering me or giving vague, one or two word answers that didn't really answer my questions or converse with me in a meaningful way. So I gave up, and just put my arms around him, hugged him from behind. He didn't respond, just acted like I wasn't there. Didn't push me away or shrug me off, but did not acknowledge my gesture at all. Then he said he needed to study, and I told him I should probably go. He escorted me to the door. He opened it for me, then shoved me out so hard I fell and hurt my wrist, and he saw, but just slammed the door behind me... .

I left feeling very hurt and angry and confused. I was completely fed up with his behavior. That incident was the reason I did not leave my contact information with him at the end of the semester, when I transferred to a different university in a different state. I saw him two or three times after that incident, but he was all kind and sweet again. Each time he tried to hug me I would shrug him off, but that would just make him try harder. I realized I couldn't win, so I just let him hug me, hold me, whatever.

After I left, I didn't see or speak to him for two and a half years. Then one day (summer 2014), I decided to look him up on facebook and send him a friend request. He responded with such surprise and happiness, it made me happy that he missed me and hadn't forgotten all about me. We talked, he told me about his travels abroad and what he was doing in graduate school, I talked about moving to a new place and working. We caught up with each other. It was really nice. I felt happy. He spoke to me in kind and warm tones, the kind of personality that made me love him and drew me to him in the first place. The distance didn't seem to eradicate my feelings for him; if anything, they became deeper and more persistent.

He would contact me a lot. I gave him my phone number. He'd send me texts. He'd message me on facebook. We'd talk for hours. It was really great. Then, that September, when my depression had become very severe, I posted something for my friends on my timeline that I might not be online very much, because I was dealing with a lot. He texted me and told me that if I ever wanted or needed to talk with someone about it, to not hesitate to do so. I told him thanks, but I'd talked to other friends in the past about it and they'd abandoned me for it, and I didn't want that to happen with us. He promised me that would never happen. I told him I was just very depressed, and thinking about my childhood a lot, and having nightmares and flashbacks, but I didn't want to talk about it. Still, he pressed me. I told him I didn't want to. Eventually he said something like, if I ever wanted to, to remember that he's my friend and he'd never judge me if I wanted to talk.

If he didn't hear from me for a few days, he would text me and ask me if I was okay. I thought it was very kind and sweet, and eventually, I began opening up to him about the difficulties in my life at the time, about the past abuse, about my depression. He listened attentively and offered advice if I wanted it. For a while he eased my burden somewhat.

Now, I will say that he was in grad school for psychology at the time, working on his PhD. I found this a bit disconcerting, because at times I felt like he was... .I don't know, almost like he was trying to be my therapist or something. I expressed this to him, and that it made me uncomfortable and felt a little inappropriate, but he insisted that he just wanted to help me because I'm his friend, and he was worried about me. I told him again I was so afraid he would abandon me, and I was afraid I was bothering him, but he always allayed my fears, told me he wants to help, that he cares about me and just wants me to be happy.

In December of that year, my depression started getting better. I knew I'd be be in the city near where we'd gone to school together, where he was living, for the holidays, because I was visiting relatives there, so I asked him about two weeks before Christmas if he wanted to meet somewhere and hang out. He said he wasn't sure because he had a tight schedule, but he'd let me know. We decided to meet on the 23rd, but he hadn't told me where or at what time, still saying he wasn't sure because he had a meeting to go to or whatever, but he'd let me know the next couple of days. As that day approached, he still hadn't finalized anything, and the story seemed to keep changing. First he had a meeting, then he was going home early, then he might have had to work. His explanations were vague and didn't make much sense. I started getting annoyed, because I was travelling over 500 miles and wanted to see him for the first time in almost three years. I kept myself calm and composed, but I told him that he really needed to make a decision by the evening of the 22nd, because I had to make plans with my family as well. He told me he wanted to come to his place, but I remembered his behavior toward me in college, and it also was extremely inconvenient for me when he easily could have hopped on a bus or the train to meet me downtown. Eventually he agreed to meet me downtown, and he did.

That was, what I thought and still think, the best night of my entire life. It was all the things I love about him, all at once, after three years and so many miles apart. (Sorry, I don't mean to gush, I usually don't, but really.) There was no aggression, none of the odd behavior, the indifference, the coldness, none of it. He was so kind, and sweet, and warm, and gentle. We had dinner, we walked in the rain, he held me and we talked for a very long time. I was completely, utterly in love with him. The first and only time I'd ever been in love with anyone in my entire life. It wasn't even about physical attraction; I loved his soul, his entire being, my feelings for him seemed to transcend everything tangible, what I felt for him was almost something spiritual... .I still feel that way about him... .

He kissed me before I left. First time he ever did.

And then I didn't hear from him. Not the next day. Or the next. Or the next. It began to bother me. Not just his silence, but the fact that there was no way our relationship could still be called "just friends" at that point, and we had never, ever spoken about it. My curiosity grew. I wanted to know how he felt. I wanted to know what he wanted. I had zero expectations, but I felt it was way beyond time we had a serious discussion.

So I texted him. I told him I was so happy I got to finally see him again, and he agreed. Then I asked him if he would like to have a conversation with me about our relationship. I asked him, I phrased it hypothetically, that if I hadn't transferred to a different school, if he thought we would have been together. It was more direct and to the point than I'd ever said before, and he immediately became defensive. He shot down any notion of us having a relationship like that. I was very confused. I gently tried to persuade him to talk with me about it, and he just reiterated that we were "just friends". I told him I didn't understand, and he told me that he felt it was perfectly okay to have the type of relationship we have without any kind of commitment because I'm queer.

That hurt immensely. I cried. I felt like he'd dropped a ton of bricks on me. I just told him okay, that he didn't have to talk with me about it if he didn't want to. I felt horrible for the rest of my vacation. When I got home, I tried to meet other people. I tried a dating site. I went out a couple of times. I felt nothing for those people. I tried so hard to get my mind off having any type of relationship with him other than being "just friends". We still talked on facebook some. Laughed and left comments about each others' stupid pictures.

In March of that year (2015) I lost my job. I became very depressed again. I texted him and told him what was going on. He seemed concerned that I was depressed again. I talked a little bit about it. I thanked him for being my friend and for caring about me. The next time I contacted him after that, he seemed annoyed. Very annoyed. I wasn't sure what about. A few weeks later, at 11pm on a weeknight, he asked to call me. I said okay.

The conversation began calmly, despite how depressed I was and my worry about what was happening in my life. But I wasn't sure what he wanted. He was polite and kind. But he seemed to talk in circles, everything he said was vague... .

[thefinalrose]

I'd like to preface this by saying that I don't know if this individual has BPD or a different personality or not. I've been doing a ton of research to try to come to terms with what's occurred, and to try to understand, or to have some shred of closure, and it's led me here. I've posted this on a different message board, but the few answers I received were unhelpful. My research has revealed that his behaviors share similarities with those with BPD.

I'm hoping to gain some understanding and maybe some support about the primary relationship in my life. This is difficult for me to talk about because I am very confused and hurt by this individual's behavior, so please bear with me, this will probably be lengthy. I would really like some insight from people who may have dealt with a significant other who has a personality disorder, because I'm completely at a loss. I have no one else to discuss this with.

(Note: the texts and conversations I describe herein are paraphrased; I do not quote anything directly.)


I suppose I should give some background about myself first, because it may or may not be relevant to what has transpired. I am a queer female who loves people regardless of their gender. I also have my share of psychological things, like chronic depression and PTSD, as a result of ongoing physical and emotional abuse by my parents throughout my childhood, which I've been working on for several years now.

I met a guy my freshman year of college who lived on the same floor as me in our dorm and we became friends almost right away, and after a few months we became very close. He was always gentle and kind and soft spoken. After about six months of knowing him, our relationship became something more than friends. We always spent a lot of time alone together, usually just talking or hanging out together. I felt so close with him. We'd talk and laugh for hours, sometimes about deep stuff like philosophy and the universe (no kidding) and sometimes about ridiculous stuff. After a while we would cuddle, take naps together, but we were never "together".

The first red flag I noticed was that he would sometimes push me around, and I never understood why. If we met on the sidewalk he would pull me toward him and hug me, and then shove me away from him. Or we would be hanging out and suddenly he would shove me. He'd also do things like pick me up, tickle me, etc. but he'd never ask me beforehand and after a while it made me uncomfortable. He never physically hurt me, per se. He always made this like it was a joke, and he'd do it in front of his friends, and they'd all laugh, including me sometimes. It didn't seem anything cruel at the time, just odd. I always thought of it more like the little boy who sits behind a girl in school and pulls her pigtails and teases her because he likes her.

The second thing that concerned me about his behavior was that, while our physically and emotionally intimate relationship continued, he was dating someone else. This bothered me, not just because it made me feel unworthy of commitment, but I felt bad for his girlfriend at the time. I'm certain she never knew anything about my relationship with him. Because of this, I tried to distance myself from him, so that our relationship was more just a friendship, despite my feelings for him.

With time, his behavior became (in retrospect), very controlling. Sometimes he would pull me into his room and into his bed when his room mate was out, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. And while he never asked or forced himself onto me, I'm wondering now if he really just wanted sex from me. If I cuddled with him for a while and didn't do anything, he would shove me violently away from him and become very dismissive and cold toward me. Remembering this now, it's almost like he just expected sex to happen or something. I had never had sex with guys, so I wasn't sure what to do and I was very shy, and I wasn't quite sure if I even wanted to go there with him at the time. What's worse, if the few times I tried to ask him about it, or about our relationship in general, he would change the subject. I wasn't very assertive back then, so I would just let it go.

His behavior toward me grew more strange. He would be very warm and sweet and gentle toward me, and then at the drop of a hat, for seemingly no reason at all, the next time I'd see him he'd ignore me, or he'd be totally rude and callous. I immediately always just thought it was something I'd done wrong, because my parents had been cruel toward me my entire life. He was studying psychology at the time, and once I saw him at a party after not seeing him for several weeks, when he was doing an internship with a therapy clinic. I asked him how he liked it and what he was doing there, and he'd say very mean things like (paraphrase) "I'm helping people like you", and I asked him what he meant by that and he said something like (again, paraphrase) "People who are a danger to themselves and others".  That was very hurtful toward me, but I supposed he was right. He knew about my depression and PTSD... .Then after acting like that, next time I'd see him he'd be all sweet and kind again.

He would do other things that steadily made me more and more fed up with his behavior. He'd text me and ask if I wanted to hang out, or I would text him, and we'd agree to meet somewhere. I would go to the designated place and wait for him, and sometimes he wouldn't show up. So I would text him and ask where he was and when he'd be there, and he'd tell me his class let out late, or he was just finishing up a paper and would be on his way in a few minutes or whatever. Sometimes he would show, sometimes I would wait for an hour and he'd never show up, no text or call or anything. Later, I'd find out he had gone to hang out with other people. Once I called him on this, and he apologized profusely and said that he'd been so busy he'd forgotten, and he'd make it up to me.

Then there was one time, during my sophomore year, when he texted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him at his new apartment. He'd just gotten some new Xbox games that we both wanted to play, so I came over. His room mate was home for the weekend. The first thing he did when he opened the door was lunge at me. It was very disturbing and now, thinking back, frightening. He'd never been that aggressive toward me. What's more, he pulled me toward him, and put me in something like a headlock, and all but dragged me to him room, ignoring me when I said "ouch, that hurts"... .

I should have kicked his ass then and there. But the moment we sat down, he seemed all "normal" again, I guess. We played for a while, then he turned off the Xbox and suggested we take a nap, which I agreed to. He held me tight. It was peaceful and lovely, or seemed to be. Then, very suddenly, he bit me. I shouted, and told him it hurt, and I was so confused. Before I could ask or say much of anything else, he rolled on top of me and pinned me to the bed. I immediately closed off. It was way too weird, he wouldn't say anything. Any "mood" that might have been there was completely killed by how bizarre his behavior was toward me, not just that day, but throughout my entire relationship with him. I had no idea what he wanted, he always just waived off my efforts to discuss anything about our relationship. I thought maybe talking about love or relationships or sex was difficult for him and that's why he never asked for anything, but I was so afraid of making assumptions or doing something wrong or without mutual consent.

... .After he rolled on top of me and I turned away, he pushed me so hard I fell off the bed and he left the room. I was shocked and confused, so I just sat there on the floor for a few minutes, waiting for him to come back. He didn't, so I followed him and found him in the kitchen, heating up a can of soup. I came up to him, tried (albeit meekly) to get him to talk to me, but he just kept his back to me, either not answering me or giving vague, one or two word answers that didn't really answer my questions or converse with me in a meaningful way. So I gave up, and just put my arms around him, hugged him from behind. He didn't respond, just acted like I wasn't there. Didn't push me away or shrug me off, but did not acknowledge my gesture at all. Then he said he needed to study, and I told him I should probably go. He escorted me to the door. He opened it for me, then shoved me out so hard I fell and hurt my wrist, and he saw, but just slammed the door behind me... .

I left feeling very hurt and angry and confused. I was completely fed up with his behavior. That incident was the reason I did not leave my contact information with him at the end of the semester, when I transferred to a different university in a different state. I saw him two or three times after that incident, but he was all kind and sweet again. Each time he tried to hug me I would shrug him off, but that would just make him try harder. I realized I couldn't win, so I just let him hug me, hold me, whatever.

After I left, I didn't see or speak to him for two and a half years. Then one day (summer 2014), I decided to look him up on facebook and send him a friend request. He responded with such surprise and happiness, it made me happy that he missed me and hadn't forgotten all about me. We talked, he told me about his travels abroad and what he was doing in graduate school, I talked about moving to a new place and working. We caught up with each other. It was really nice. I felt happy. He spoke to me in kind and warm tones, the kind of personality that made me love him and drew me to him in the first place. The distance didn't seem to eradicate my feelings for him; if anything, they became deeper and more persistent.

He would contact me a lot. I gave him my phone number. He'd send me texts. He'd message me on facebook. We'd talk for hours. It was really great. Then, that September, when my depression had become very severe, I posted something for my friends on my timeline that I might not be online very much, because I was dealing with a lot. He texted me and told me that if I ever wanted or needed to talk with someone about it, to not hesitate to do so. I told him thanks, but I'd talked to other friends in the past about it and they'd abandoned me for it, and I didn't want that to happen with us. He promised me that would never happen. I told him I was just very depressed, and thinking about my childhood a lot, and having nightmares and flashbacks, but I didn't want to talk about it. Still, he pressed me. I told him I didn't want to. Eventually he said something like, if I ever wanted to, to remember that he's my friend and he'd never judge me if I wanted to talk.

If he didn't hear from me for a few days, he would text me and ask me if I was okay. I thought it was very kind and sweet, and eventually, I began opening up to him about the difficulties in my life at the time, about the past abuse, about my depression. He listened attentively and offered advice if I wanted it. For a while he eased my burden somewhat.

Now, I will say that he was in grad school for psychology at the time, working on his PhD. I found this a bit disconcerting, because at times I felt like he was... .I don't know, almost like he was trying to be my therapist or something. I expressed this to him, and that it made me uncomfortable and felt a little inappropriate, but he insisted that he just wanted to help me because I'm his friend, and he was worried about me. I told him again I was so afraid he would abandon me, and I was afraid I was bothering him, but he always allayed my fears, told me he wants to help, that he cares about me and just wants me to be happy.

In December of that year, my depression started getting better. I knew I'd be be in the city near where we'd gone to school together, where he was living, for the holidays, because I was visiting relatives there, so I asked him about two weeks before Christmas if he wanted to meet somewhere and hang out. He said he wasn't sure because he had a tight schedule, but he'd let me know. We decided to meet on the 23rd, but he hadn't told me where or at what time, still saying he wasn't sure because he had a meeting to go to or whatever, but he'd let me know the next couple of days. As that day approached, he still hadn't finalized anything, and the story seemed to keep changing. First he had a meeting, then he was going home early, then he might have had to work. His explanations were vague and didn't make much sense. I started getting annoyed, because I was travelling over 500 miles and wanted to see him for the first time in almost three years. I kept myself calm and composed, but I told him that he really needed to make a decision by the evening of the 22nd, because I had to make plans with my family as well. He told me he wanted to come to his place, but I remembered his behavior toward me in college, and it also was extremely inconvenient for me when he easily could have hopped on a bus or the train to meet me downtown. Eventually he agreed to meet me downtown, and he did.

That was, what I thought and still think, the best night of my entire life. It was all the things I love about him, all at once, after three years and so many miles apart. (Sorry, I don't mean to gush, I usually don't, but really.) There was no aggression, none of the odd behavior, the indifference, the coldness, none of it. He was so kind, and sweet, and warm, and gentle. We had dinner, we walked in the rain, he held me and we talked for a very long time. I was completely, utterly in love with him. The first and only time I'd ever been in love with anyone in my entire life. It wasn't even about physical attraction; I loved his soul, his entire being, my feelings for him seemed to transcend everything tangible, what I felt for him was almost something spiritual... .I still feel that way about him... .

He kissed me before I left. First time he ever did.

And then I didn't hear from him. Not the next day. Or the next. Or the next. It began to bother me. Not just his silence, but the fact that there was no way our relationship could still be called "just friends" at that point, and we had never, ever spoken about it. My curiosity grew. I wanted to know how he felt. I wanted to know what he wanted. I had zero expectations, but I felt it was way beyond time we had a serious discussion.

So I texted him. I told him I was so happy I got to finally see him again, and he agreed. Then I asked him if he would like to have a conversation with me about our relationship. I asked him, I phrased it hypothetically, that if I hadn't transferred to a different school, if he thought we would have been together. It was more direct and to the point than I'd ever said before, and he immediately became defensive. He shot down any notion of us having a relationship like that. I was very confused. I gently tried to persuade him to talk with me about it, and he just reiterated that we were "just friends". I told him I didn't understand, and he told me that he felt it was perfectly okay to have the type of relationship we have without any kind of commitment because I'm queer.

That hurt immensely. I cried. I felt like he'd dropped a ton of bricks on me. I just told him okay, that he didn't have to talk with me about it if he didn't want to. I felt horrible for the rest of my vacation. When I got home, I tried to meet other people. I tried a dating site. I went out a couple of times. I felt nothing for those people. I tried so hard to get my mind off having any type of relationship with him other than being "just friends". We still talked on facebook some. Laughed and left comments about each others' stupid pictures.

In March of that year (2015) I lost my job. I became very depressed again. I texted him and told him what was going on. He seemed concerned that I was depressed again. I talked a little bit about it. I thanked him for being my friend and for caring about me. The next time I contacted him after that, he seemed annoyed. Very annoyed. I wasn't sure what about. A few weeks later, at 11pm on a weeknight, he asked to call me. I said okay.

The conversation began calmly, despite how depressed I was and my worry about what was happening in my life. But I wasn't sure what he wanted. He was polite and kind. But he seemed to talk in circles, everything he said was vague... .

[thefinalrose]

(cont... .)  

I grew upset, because I was confused, I had no idea what he wanted, and after a while it sounded to me like he was trying to tell me to stop being depressed, or to just "snap out of it", as if it was something I could control, without actually saying it. Then - and this was completely shocking to me - he started crying. He was crying, and he began talking to me about me, about how different and special I was to him, that he'd never met anyone like me, that he was so afraid he'd never see me again when I transferred after our sophomore year. And then he told me he loves me, crying the whole time.

I was in complete shock. I had no idea what to say or what to do. No one had ever told me that before. And I had never heard a guy cry like that... .not like it was bad, I just had no idea how to even begin to approach that situation. I didn't say anything for a long time, just listened to him sobbing, and then I tried to divert his attention back to the conversation, what he'd been talking about before he said he loved me. He said he had to go. I tried to get him to clarify his meaning. He listened to me try to discuss some of things for a few minutes, try to work out what was going on, what he had meant about my depression, and his sobbing grew to hysterics. He shouted over me, just saying over and over that he had to go. So I thanked him for calling me, about whatever it was he wanted to discuss with me. I didn't acknowledge what he'd said that he loved me. I don't think I could wrap my head around that at the time. It made no sense that he'd told me just a couple of months before that we were "just friends" and then turn around and tell me he loved me. I was so perplexed, I had no idea what to think.

The next day I texted him, and told him that I appreciated his efforts to have a discussion with me, and I apologized for upsetting him. He told me it was okay, that he knew I was going through a lot, and that he was there for me. I wasn't sure how to go about acknowledging his feelings. I thought it was best to let things cool off for a while, and until my depression got a little better. At the time I thought "Why on earth would anyone feel that way about me?" I felt bad about myself because of my depression.

I texted him a few days later, told him I was still depressed. He seemed annoyed again. He told me he doesn't want me to talk about that to him anymore. So I stopped. I did snap at him, without meaning to... .I was so upset and frustrated and overwhelmed with the situation, I wanted to make myself feel better for him, I didn't want to be depressed anymore but I couldn't make it stop. His constant hot-and-cold behavior wasn't helping, either. I apologized to him after a couple of days for my temper, and for snapping at him, and he told me again that it was okay, that he understands, that he was just trying to help.

I got a new job a few weeks later, but I was still deeply depressed. We continued conversing as usual... .but I noticed, after looking through all the messages several times, that he became indifferent toward me after that, which I hadn't noticed at the time. We talked about a lot of things; about travelling, this book he'd read years ago which I finally had the time to read, new video games, school, sports... .

I could tell something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what. I didn't talk to him anymore about my depression. I made it a point to talk more about his life with him, and about neutral or happy topics. Then I realized, that maybe he was upset with me, maybe he felt rejected because I didn't acknowledge his feelings. So, gathering all of my courage, I tried to reciprocate, told him I felt the same way about him.

He refused to acknowledge me. He wouldn't say anything about it at all. I thought maybe I did it wrong. I'd never told anyone that before. I thought maybe what I was trying to explain wasn't getting through, because at the time I was still afraid to say "I love you"... .I was also afraid of being rejected.

His indifference toward me continued. I continued trying to reach out to him to let him know about my feelings too, but he never acknowledged that. I began thinking all kinds of things. I thought maybe he was sad that we didn't have more time together when I saw him in December. So I asked him if he wanted me to come visit for a while, a few days, so we could spend more time together. He told me it sounded great, that he'd love to see me. I asked him when would be a good weekend, and he said he wasn't sure yet, but he'd let me know. I told him that was fine, just to allow me some time, a couple of weeks, to let my boss know.

I waited. I waited a week and then two weeks. Never heard from him. I reminded him the next time I talked to him. He told me he was working on it. Then I didn't hear from him for several weeks, and I found out later from facebook that he was on vacation overseas, and wouldn't be back until the end of the summer.

I was totally pissed. The least he could have done was tell me it wasn't going to work out, right? Or that he wouldn't have had time? Or just a simple "no, sorry"?

A few days after he returned to the states, I texted him, politely asked how his vacation was. I also let him know I was hurt that he never finalized plans with me, whether yes or no. He apologized, and told me he really messed up, that he was so busy, asked if he could make it up to me. I told him I didn't know; probably, almost certainly, but I wasn't sure.

We continued talking like normal, although not as often. We were both busy, I suppose. He would still text me and we'd have conversations about whatever, sometimes he'd make me laugh. In October, I told him I was planning on being in town again for the holidays, that I was finalizing plans with my extended family about Christmas, and asked him if he wanted me to get there a few days early so we would have more time together. He said he wasn't sure, he said he was going on vacation with his family sometime in December but wasn't sure when yet.

My annoyance with him grew. And I told him so. I was sick of him giving me the runaround. I was sick of the conflicting behavior and him going back on his word. I told him so. He asked me something strange then. He asked me something about if I thought our relationship was awkward. I snapped at him, told him his behavior made me feel like our relationship meant nothing.

And he told me that he felt our relationship was like that too. That our relationship was nothing. And that it didn't bother him. I asked him to clarify. He expressed very clearly that he didn't care whether we remained friends, or if we were something else, or nothing at all.

I completely blew up at him. I totally lost it. I told him all about how his behavior was f***ing with my mind, how it always had, and that he made me feel like I was always his toy and nothing else. I told him how many times he'd lied to me and used examples to prove my point. I told him I felt used. I told him I felt like I was a piece of crap, that his behavior made me feel that way. I told him I felt worthless, like I was unworthy of anyone's commitment or respect, that he'd hurt me so many times but that it didn't matter because I'm nothing. Even worse, I began to believe all of those things about me too.

He did not answer that text. I seethed for weeks. Then I began to regret talking to him like that. I tried to put things together in my mind. Finally, in January 2016, I reached out to him and apologized for my behavior, I apologized for blowing up at him. I also said mean things about myself, because I believe those things were true. I also told him I still cared about him, and I'd like to try to fix things with him, if he wanted to.

He got very nasty. He was completely cold and indifferent. He kept saying the same dismissive things over and over, and he never acknowledged his own behavior or apologized for it, not even once. Worse yet, he began accusing me of things I never said and never did. He accused me of sending him unsolicited messages about my depression. He told me I was too stressful and overwhelming and intense. He got angry when I said mean things about myself. He got angry whenever I expressed any feelings at all. He told me I'd continued talking about my depression after he told me to stop. I apologized profusely. I began doubting my memory and my intentions. I was so afraid I'd come across as selfish or abusive. I tried to get him to discuss with me how he felt, asked him how I could fix it. He just kept reiterating over and over that I'm so unstable and too emotional. Finally, I told him I would go away if that's what he wanted, that I would leave him alone if he felt I was bothering him, that I just wanted him to be happy. He said he didn't know, and hung up on me.

I spent the night crying on the bathroom floor. The next morning he sent me a text, saying he wasn't sure what to think but that we could have a discussion about it later, some other time, because he was busy that day. I agreed with him, and apologized again for my own behavior.

The next six months I obsessed about trying to fix things. I wanted to wait for him to contact me, so that he didn't feel pressured, and so he was in control of the situation because I was afraid I was coming across as controlling or manipulative. During that time, I began seeing a trauma therapist, mostly to sort out the abuse from my childhood. I did a ton of research. I learned more about myself in those six months than I did in half a century of existence. I also punished myself. I would sit in the corner of my bedroom and cry, it was like I was doing some sort of bizarre penance. Like I was repenting for some horrible unforgivable crime, which is how he had made me feel. I truly believed it was all my fault, that if I wasn't so crazy and bad, none of this would have ever happened. I believed he did absolutely nothing wrong. I believed everything he'd told me.

Until May. I looked through the two years worth of text messages from him, looking for where he'd told me to stop talking about my depression and where I had continued. But the only thing I could find was the one time he asked me to stop, and I did. There was a disconnect between his version of events and the evidence. I thought maybe he'd forgotten. I also thought maybe he'd forgotten he had involved himself in my depression problems and promised me several times he would never do this. I thought he'd forgotten how I'd told him I was so afraid he would abandon me like this after I told him about my depression.

His silence became unbearable. I figured he was very busy. I was so afraid of upsetting him again, but my need to have a discussion with him, whether he wanted to continue our relationship or not, became so intense it was all I could think about, it nearly drove me mad. Finally, after over six months since the phone call in January, I sent him a very neutral, emotionless text, asking him if he'd like to talk about it, but that I didn't want to make him feel pressured, that I'd done a lot of thinking and puzzling together, and that I'd like to try to fix it, or at least have some closure if he didn't want to. He didn't respond. I waited a week, and I began thinking he didn't get the text for some reason. I tried sending the same message on facebook, just so that he would see it, so he would know I was trying to reach out.

He replied by telling me that I am not healthy for him and never will be. Then he just said the same things he said in January, about me being too intense and overwhelming and unstable. He also told me it bothers him that I say I care about him.

I felt like I had been stabbed. I remember getting that reply, and sitting in my car in a parking lot screaming and crying and feeling like I had been shot. I replied without any emotion, telling him I was sorry I contacted him again, and for anything I'd ever done wrong.

I've had no contact with him since then. I don't think he will ever contact me again. I've been in hell for the last thirteen months. I feel like I've swallowed knives. For months I cried and cried, had nightmares of him killing me. Curiously, he's not blocked or unfriended me on facebook, but he's blocked his relationship status, whereas for the whole time before he was "single". I found out from pictures on his friend's page that he's involved with someone else now.

I shared all of this with my trauma therapist, and she tells me his behavior is emotionally abusive. She did not mention personality disorders. I began doing all the research I could about emotional abuse, and it led me to reading about the idealization-devaluation-discard relationship pattern, and how people with certain personality disorders behave that way. I thought it's similar to his behavior toward me, over the course of the entire relationship. I've also noticed he has traits of some personality disorders, but I don't know what to think about that. I don't know much about these things. I still believe that this entire thing is my fault. I don't know what to believe anymore... .

If you've read this far, thank you. Thank you so, so much for reading. This has been torture for me to recall in this type of detail again, but I need some sort of rational explanation, so clues as to why he may have behaved this way. I would like feedback if anyone has any comments, or can help me better understand. I am completely crushed, even now, and quite nearly destroyed by what he has done, especially his betrayal of my trust. I feel violated, emotionally raped.

[rfriesen]

Hi finalrose   and welcome to the family here!

The push/pull of the relationship, the inability or unwillingness to talk openly and clearly about the intense emotions swirling, the silence and running hot/cold ... .can all be very confusing and painful to deal with. So many of us here have been through similar patterns in a past relationship, and you might find it helps to read others' stories while continuing to post about your own.

I need some sort of rational explanation, so clues as to why he may have behaved this way. I would like feedback if anyone has any comments, or can help me better understand.

Coming out of these difficult relationships, it's normal to crave explanations. Reading the material on this website can help. If the person you describe has BPD, then he's caught in his inner world between opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment. He yearns for a connection to give him a sense of self to counter his inner emotional instability, but fears being engulfed when he pulls you too close. As you've experienced, it can be incredibly painful to be pushed and pulled as a result. He might simply not have the tools to express to you what he's experiencing, or even to understand it himself.

I am completely crushed, even now, and quite nearly destroyed by what he has done, especially his betrayal of my trust. I feel violated, emotionally raped.

My heart goes out to you. The feelings of pain, rejection, bewilderment, etc are often intense and overwhelming after an experience like this. Do you have friends or family you can lean on? Be sure to take good care of yourself now -- eat well, sleep well, exercise, don't drink too much or at all. It can be hard to take care of the basics, but it will get better in time if you do, that much we can promise. Be patient with yourself, though - it can take time.

[thefinalrose]

Thank you... .I believe my biggest confusion right now is whether or not I did something wrong. What if I'm the one who has BPD? Or some other personality disorder? I had a psychiatrist once years ago who told me that I have a few of "traits" of BPD and OCPD, not enough for a diagnosis, but none of my psychiatrists or the trauma therapists I've worked with since then have said anything about personality disorders. The consensus is that I have a complex form of PTSD and medication resistant depression due to my experiences in the past (which, after working with my current therapist, I've only recently realized how horrifying those things really were). I'm extremely hurt by his behavior toward me and for lying to me and betraying my trust, but I think the most difficult thing for me to reconcile is how he's called me mentally unstable and therefore a toxic and unhealthy person. Because that's a really nasty trick to pull, and he knew that I would accept all the blame for it. It's something that could be believable, and I'd still be blaming myself for everything had I not looked at all of his messages again. I've only ever done what he's asked me to do. But he kept changing things around, he told me to do one thing and then when I did it he'd get angry and somehow make it my fault. He's accused me of saying or implying things which I never in a million years would ever say or imply, and then didn't even allow me to explain or defend myself. He's made it so I'm not even allowed to make a mistake. Meanwhile he's refused to acknowledge his own behavior and that it might have something to do with how I've been upset with him and what's happened to the relationship. And then I'm just pinned as "mentally unstable". I'm not allowed to have any feelings, or be justifiably sad or angry about anything, because he's just always passed it off as "thefinalrose is mentally unstable"... .In the end, I was concerned about his feelings, and he was concerned about his feelings, but neither of us were concerned about my feelings at all.

If the person you describe has BPD, then he's caught in his inner world between opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment. He yearns for a connection to give him a sense of self to counter his inner emotional instability, but fears being engulfed when he pulls you too close. As you've experienced, it can be incredibly painful to be pushed and pulled as a result. He might simply not have the tools to express to you what he's experiencing, or even to understand it himself.

Is this really how it is for BPD people? How do you mean by "engulfment"? I really wish I could understand what's going on in his mind. I wish he would just explain things to me instead of just heaping all the blame on me for everything. In a way, his behavior toward me feels very much like a drive-by shooting: he's attacked me when I'm virtually defenseless and not expecting it, and then escaped before I could do anything about it, leaving me alone with all the wounds he's caused. I also feel like he hides behind his profession so that he appears "normal" and "stable", while meanwhile he looks for problems in other people and slaps them with labels like "toxic" and "unstable" whenever something happens that he doesn't like. But I'm not even sure what I've done that he has a problem with, other than talking to him about my depression, which he repeatedly asked me to do until it became a normal response. It's so confusing... .

[patientandclear]

Hi Rose: that is a really tough, wrenching saga with him. I was particularly moved by your description of the "best night of [your] life" and then how painful it was when he said he thought it was OK to have a r/ship without commitment because you were queer. Somehow taking his own impulses and behaviors and explaining them in terms of a trait of yours making them warranted -- that would be really wounding to most people, coming from someone whom you'd felt so close to.

This guy has been showing you who he is from the beginning, hasn't he? Something in him made him want to hurt you. From the beginning. And he also has always been terrible at owning up to his own feelings for you (and, let's assume, others), either to you, or (probably) to himself.

But every once in a while he busts out with a genuine confession of deep feelings, and acts consistent with such feelings, for a little while, and that hooks you hard. As it would many/most people.  And then you are left looking for him to show up some more in the same vein--and that's where you get hurt.

Nothing you've done has been objectively unreasonable or unskilled, and most people probably would have responded well to your efforts. It sounds like you were gentle and thoughtful and gave space and invited communication about his feelings.  You tried a lot of approaches.

People with BPD have odd reactions to normal inputs. Those reactions can be very hard to deal with, but they come from a real place that we can feel empathy for: aversion to being controlled, mistrust of people who want to be close, and the need to hang onto their fragile sense of self. My BPD ex for example is deathly afraid of being captured, in any fashion. Doesn't want to be obligated or owe anything to anyone. Gets nervous even when someone buys him a cup of coffee. Spent days processing the implications of borrowing my car. Tells me no when I ask him to do something; but will turn around and ask me to do the same thing and it's OK as long as it's him asking. Control is huge for him. And he's consumed with fear that anything good is going to be ruined. That he will ruin it or that I won't make room for his feelings and wishes and then he'll have to leave. He is constantly living in terror of things that are not currently happening, but did in his childhood--and his highest priority in life is to prevent a recurrence. He sees threat of loss and hurt everywhere, even in the sweetest opoortunities to be together with another person who poses no threat.

Your guy's reactions all make sense to me--not to say they would not be hard to deal with. It's hard to relate to someone who disappears for months at a time after you've had breakthrough wonderful experiences together.

I think he's told you his deep truth--that he loves you and it's hard for him--but you also have to make room for the fact that he has defenses that cover up those feelings, and his feelings shift radically and without him even knowing why.

Understanding that you did not cause this and did nothing wrong is important. It sounds to me like your guy is similar to the person wBPD in my life: so averse to closeness that you can't even get enough of a dynamic going to apply the communications tools that are listed on this site (on the Improving board).

This stuff is pretty heartbreaking. My heart really goes out to you. Your reactions were not wrong--you should have received a very different response to your heartfelt reciprocity and openness. You really tried with him. That may be the most that is possible here.

[thefinalrose]

Hi patientandclear, thanks for your thoughtful response.

I can see the situation from your perspective - mostly. I have reason to believe that he has some problems with relationships that might make him terrified of real emotional commitment and intimacy. His family is very religious and his parents have told him that if he ever had a relationship with someone who doesn't practice the same religion that they would shun him indefinitely. At least that's what he's told me. At the same time I believe he also tries to have full control over the relationships he does have, and may be terrified of being alone. But something about this still doesn't make sense to me. Why would he continuously pursue me for years when he knows this about his parents? And why has he dated other girls who don't practice the same religion? And what about the girl he's seeing now, who I know for a fact doesn't practice that religion? And furthermore, why would he blame me for talking to him about my depression and get angry and claim that's the reason he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? If the real problem is his situation with his family, why couldn't he just tell me that? Why has he blamed me for talking to him about the things he asked me to talk to him about in the first place?

It's like he completely hates me... .I've noticed the pattern of him asking me to do things and then when I do them he gets angry. With a lot of things, not just the depression. On another board where I posted the same thing I posted here, I was told by several people that his behavior is very much like NPD, and that he doesn't care about me at all and only used me for narcissistic supply. But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. It does and it doesn't, just like what you've suggested here about BPD. I can sort of see it from both angles, but ultimately the pieces don't really fit together to make a coherent picture. So I still have no idea what to think, and no matter how hard I try, I keep going back to thinking that I'm just way too crazy and messed up for anyone to ever care about, that I just deserve to be alone and I'm just too stressful and unstable so that even people who did care about me once, I've made them hate me.

[lovenature]

So I still have no idea what to think, and no matter how hard I try, I keep going back to thinking that I'm just way too crazy and messed up for anyone to ever care about, that I just deserve to be alone and I'm just too stressful and unstable so that even people who did care about me once, I've made them hate me.

If you were so crazy and messed up do you really think you would be posting on this site looking for help, or would you just deny reality and blame others? Being in a BPD relationship causes us to question just about everything because their behaviour is so counter intuitive to reality, the basic human nature reality we have been used to living our entire lives before we met a PWBPD.

The people you say cared about you that you made hate you probably have never been involved with BPD?

BPD is a SERIOUS mental illness; you can't rationalize the irrational, or make sense of the senseless, when we try we end up loosing touch with reality and loosing ourselves.

Stay NC with him, keep reading, posting, and learning about the disorder, and focus on healing you.