How Long Til The Memories Look Good Again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

3 months out from a horrendous breakup with exBPD. Turns out she was lying from the first day I met/fell in love with her. We travelled the world this exact time last year. On this day, 2015, I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand making love with a beautiful woman and falling head over heels. I wonder, how long, if ever, will it take for these memories to become pleasant to look back on again? It was the most transformative time of my life and I'd love to look back regardless of all the terror and trauma.

[seeperplexed]

3 months out from a horrendous breakup with exBPD. Turns out she was lying from the first day I met/fell in love with her. We travelled the world this exact time last year. On this day, 2015, I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand making love with a beautiful woman and falling head over heels. I wonder, how long, if ever, will it take for these memories to become pleasant to look back on again? It was the most transformative time of my life and I'd love to look back regardless of all the terror and trauma.

[joeramabeme]

seeperplexed

That is a tough question.  It has been more than a year for me now and I still oscillate between hateful and grateful.  Like you, I have many positive memories of her, but it is hard for me to enjoy them because the r/s ending makes it feel as if I were a fool for ever having felt good about any of it.

The best I can assimilate the question is that you have to make a decision for yourself and keep reinforcing it.  In other words, continually reinforcing to yourself that there were good memories that are sustaining while detaching from the hurt and splitness. 

It is not easy but the fact is that the transformation you experienced is real and is yours to use as you see fit.

[fromheeltoheal]

It takes what it takes seeperplexed.  You mention the relationship was 14 months long and you've only been out 3, so you might set your sights on another 3 to 6 months, although there are no timeframes, as mentioned, it takes what it takes.  And as you grieve the relationship, process the emotions and detach, the memories and your perception of them will change, and ultimately it boils down to what you make things mean, which is your choice, and the goal for all of us is to find empowering meanings in the experience, which are there, we just need to find them, which comes with time.

[stimpy]

I'm sure they never will.

The nature of the discard was brutal, cold, and with no respect and no closure. And I think that last memory, of the discard has created an overlay, for all the other memories.

Now I don't see it as a relationship, but more of an experience, the lessons from which I am still absorbing and putting into a narrative that will help me in the future. The relationship was never "real" it was a manipulation from the start, so the memories don't mean anything. Like being mugged, there are no memories that will ever look good, even if the assailant was attractive and charming.

Just lessons to be learned, about me and what to look out for in other people in the future and how important it is to have boundaries and then to stick to them.

[Duped 1]

The memories will never be fond especially considering how it ended. She is a complete fraud and a horrible person. I loved the person I thought she was, not who she is in reality.

[elfyguy]

I had some good and bad times with my BPDex. When we broke up, I deleted nearly all the digital pictures of her and I kept a few polaroid pictures that she took. I also have some cards she gave me. I'm still in NC and we broke up about 5 months ago. I don't plan to ever contact her again, however, I have, on occasion, looked at the pictures. It was painful at first but now it's much easier.

My reason is: why throw away a whole experience when some of it was bad? I needed to delete everything on my phone and block her in order to move on. Nonetheless, I could keep some things without becoming obsessive. Don't get me wrong, keeping this stuff is not easy, but I chose to keep it so I could keep some of my history and learn from whatever emotions comes up.

Hope this helps 

[joeramabeme]

Now I don't see it as a relationship, but more of an experience

Well said.