Some people can really take care of Borderlines and live a happy life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Some people can really take care of Borderlines and live a happy life,
Never before i saw my ex so happy like today.
The new guy make everything perfect for her, i failed and i must accept that.

Maybe the illness make them difficult person to control but with the right person
they will be great.

So i believe now that she painted me black because i was not good enough, at first i
thought that her illness was responsible but i changed opinion.

Working out to be better in my next relationship and dont do the same mistakes,
boundaries dont make good in a relationship with a borderline.
They just need Love and Acceptance, follow their needs and everything will be ok

[amunt]

Some people can really take care of Borderlines and live a happy life,
Never before i saw my ex so happy like today.
The new guy make everything perfect for her, i failed and i must accept that.

Maybe the illness make them difficult person to control but with the right person
they will be great.

So i believe now that she painted me black because i was not good enough, at first i
thought that her illness was responsible but i changed opinion.

Working out to be better in my next relationship and dont do the same mistakes,
boundaries dont make good in a relationship with a borderline.
They just need Love and Acceptance, follow their needs and everything will be ok

[Duped 1]

How can you be so sure she is happy? My ex used to tell me that her friends and co workers would comment that she was glowing and that they had never seen her so happy her entire life when we were in the idolization stage. That changed completely during devaluation when I couldn't do anything right and eventually started reprimanding her for her poor behavior as she wanted to get married and I knew I couldn't with her behaving like she was so I would go on and on and we would fight about it and it would escalate and get out of control. I was trying to be logical and rationale. Bad idea as she could dish it out and say nasty things to me but I couldn't offer any negative feedback without her crying or exploding or escalating the conflict.

Anyway, how long has she been with this guy and how can you be so sure?

[amunt]

Thats what i mean , they can stay in idolization stage if you take care of their needs.
We devalued and painted black because we didnt married them at first place... .

The new guy already engaged to her and he already agreed to make child with her (she is pregnant).
He also take care of all of her needs .

He is so perfect i cant believe it, compared to him i was an ass with boundaries and in my
own way. He make everything she want, money spent in her , travels etc

I had economical problems and i was a mess, its something logical to go for someone better.
I am starting to believe that this Borderline is something good at all, they just chasing their dreams

[Duped 1]

He won't be able to continue to meet her needs if she has BPD and devaluation will set in at some point. Im so glad I didn't propose to mine as it would have been a life of hell, full of disrespect, criticism and random rage.

Most people say it gets worse after marriage

[FallBack!Monster]

I looked at this a bit earlier. The OP has to be a joke.
Before me, my ex moved in a guy who she met online. They had a few months of relationship via electronic devices. He left his job and life to move in with what he thought was a soft and wonderful honest woman. Caimed she loved him. Soon after he moved in they started to plan their wedding.  The day before and the day after the wedding she was in a hotel with someone else. This man worshiped the grown she walked on. He is a big, handsome guy (pictures). They only lasted a couple years including the marriage. He was sick of her disordered behavior. She was over 35 and so that she'll for ever be attached to this "good guy", she purposely got pregnant. All these within the 2 years.
There is no making these folks happy unless you're willing to give up your dignity and them some.
I am so sorry these pwBpD are so f_ed up. But they really and truly are.
Not looking for needs to be met. Looking for an unrealistic fantasy to come through w/o effort on their part. Not much to work with.
 It didn't matter how and where I tried to meet my ex, half way or all the way. I realized she doesn't want anything. All she wanted was to make me uncomfortable in my skin. Misery likes company and that's that. 
Your ex might be faking her happiness just like fakes everything else. Someone said pwBPD don't love they obsess. Obsessions that changes from one moment to another. Every minute, ever day, every second. I found out that although it felt like it, pwBPD cannot hate you. That will takes some effort on their part.  Since before I met my ex, I found that my ex had been sleeping with different people almost every day of the week. Never the same partners as the week before. Never the same as the days before.  Sometimes meeting more than one in the same hotel room at a later time. Sounds like someone whose need can never be met. Be wise.

[kc sunshine]

I was thinking this too about my ex-- that her new girlfriend has a real shot at making my ex happy. The things that make me think that are:

1) they've been together 5 months (living together almost 4 of them!) and still seem very happy
2) the new girlfriend has very few threatening attachments... .no kids, no major ex... .
3) the new gf seems to be happy to go with my ex's flow (move in right away, etc)
4) and seems super supportive, with perhaps few needs of her own?

that seems like a recipe for as successful a BPD relationship as it gets, no? I'm not sure what could even trigger my ex in that situation. Perhaps triangulation with her daughter?

[amunt]

Every person is different , they can stay for ever with a pleaser type of man
who take care of their needs.
The new guy loved that role too , so i see them stay in that idolization stage for ever.

Borderline theories are wrong , i waited for them to start have problems after
6 months but they are 8 months now and they are better than ever.

I need to man up and accept that i was the reason of the break-up ,
 i was not good enough and i must be much better in my next relationship.

I was wrong in my post's in the forum before, all the hate and angry for my ex
was unfair.
Dont believe that she have problem anymore , she just needed the right person ... .

[Pretty Woman]

If your ex treated you badly, rest  assured a new person won't magically change that behavior.

They may be on their best behavior longer, or the replacement doesn't trigger them as easily, or the replacement has less boundaries but rest assured all the ugly will rear its head again.

During my relationship with my ex she referred to three very different exes as the "love of her life".

She cheated on ALL of them... .sometimes with each other. Some STILL talk to her and she vacillates between loving and hating ALL of them.  

[FallBack!Monster]

 I just watch a show where the young lady was BPD suffere. Both partners obviously had codependency issues. The relationship was definitely toxic. Hed previous had an alcohol dependency issue but got clean. They kept breaking up and recycling. Both cheated to get back at the other. But then will forgive each other.  They are  both in their 20s have a child. Both have physical hurt one another. I don't think how they physically hurt is relevant to this post. But in the worse way.
She was first diagnosed with postpartum. Started self medicating, ended up in the psych ward. Comes out, now she sees a T regularly.
4 years later, after all that, they're still together. I wonder if comorbidity with other disordered is what makes a pwBPD worse?
I thought this would be relevant to this post bc maybe it can work out with someone who is more tolerable. Or maybe 2 toxic people can find each other and live happily ever after.

I WANT MY EX BACK SO BADLY BUT I REFUSE TO LET HER KNOW. We were not the most toxic but it felt toxic enough to me. Beside I know for a fact she doesn't miss me any more or less than all her other ex partners. I hope she treats her new attachment with more respect and loyalty. I know she goes thru periods where she realizes she's the toxic one. But I do wish her success. If she could just keep her pants zipped, the rest can fall in to place; I think.

[woundedPhoenix]

Every case is different, depends on the circumstances and ofcourse on the partner how rapidly it all evolves, but evolve it will.

Key issue is that a Borderline ALWAYS adapts in some degree to the partner in the Idealisation and possible "normal" phase afterwards.
They are not themselves - or only part of what they are - even if the are totally happy with the partner that they are with - at that time.
At some point, keeping up this False Self/Mirroring will be unattainable, and then the BPD will start to expect that you close the gap and adapt yourself... .to the extreme.

In my case Idealisation lasted 6 whole months, after that we rolled through high and lower times for another 5 years, where there where periods of distancing and reconnection. I was a seasonal deadline workaholic which kind of had it's own push pull dynamic to it, when i started to deminish these deadline jobs and pay more attention to the relationship and the family, ironically the relationship got worse.

For many years I was that guy you describe that seems to be able to take care of the Borderline so well, even though i wasn't perfect either. And she took care of me as well, I think she wanted to do everything right and really make it work, but in the end couldn't keep it up.

So still it broke down... .

[IamGrey]

The OP's last sentence made me laugh.
Be a no pride doormat, sacrifice any needs you may have and all will be wonderful. Which of course, it won't. That is not a real loving relationship.
It's not a relationship at all.

[amunt]

Everyone say that Idealization stage last 6 months , it was the same with me.

I saw that this is not truth at all, they are 8 months now and they are still in idealization stage
better than before.

[amunt]

The OP's last sentence made me laugh.
Be a no pride doormat, sacrifice any needs you may have and all will be wonderful. Which of course, it won't. That is not a real loving relationship.
It's not a relationship at all.

What if he like it to be that way ? He have no boundaries and he is a doormat, her needs are his needs.
I see that he lost all of his friends but he like to be with her every-time and he love it... .

She is extremely happy with him, she say that he is the best man she ever had and
he is extremely happy with her. That way they will go very far together, he simply take
care of her issues

[IamGrey]

He could be the biggest doormat on the planet, but that would not stop the fact she'll still need years of therapy.

[JJacks0]

I wouldn't be so sure either.

My ex idealized me for a long time. And it wasn't just a one time thing, it was off and on.
Sometimes when I thought we were doing great she was secretly unhappy/looking for attention elsewhere.
At times when she was raging & I thought things were horrible, she was also journaling about how much she loved me and how perfect I was.

Things aren't always as they appear. In fact in my experience with BPD, I'd say they often aren't.

[woundedPhoenix]

Amunt, I can relate that it is terrible to see that an ex you still long for is better of with someone else then with us.

I understand that it really hurts, you feel rejected and that you feel not good about yourself AT ALL.

You wish the good feelings back, which you deserve, and you react by BLAMING IT ALL ON YOURSELF. And the evidence you use is her new Crush.

While, if you really understand the very complicated dynamics at work with BPD, and how that 'controls' the person you loved, it has not THAT much to do with you.


One of the hardest things after a BPD breakup is try and get ourselves out of that horrific courtroom that we have built for ourselfs and hold this lengthy trial with all possible evidence to propell our self-blame and self-esteem issues further. And it's only when you get totally exhausted and you have sentenced yourself and your ex to oblivion time and time again... .that you start to see the reality underneath it all... .

It's the story of your life, where in some ways this is what you have been doing all your life... .being in that courtroom to disprove feelings of unworthyness, shame and whatnot. And the BPDex breefly came into that courtroom and disproved all of that with evidence to the contrary... .only to switch sides when you started to actually believe him/her. And that causes deep despair... .You want her to prove it again.

Believe me... .a whole new world opens up when you realise that the only person who can get you out of that courtroom, is you. you have no business there.

[amunt]

She have no issues with the new guy and this mean that the problem was me,
i need to work hard and improve myself.

This is the only way i see that now, her crush is the bigger doormat i saw in my life
 and he already sacrificed his friend cycle for her but he managed to have her at her best

[woundedPhoenix]

My ex idealized me for a long time. And it wasn't just a one time thing, it was off and on.
Sometimes when I thought we were doing great she was secretly unhappy/looking for attention elsewhere.
At times when she was raging & I thought things were horrible, she was also journaling about how much she loved me and how perfect I was.

Things aren't always as they appear. In fact in my experience with BPD, I'd say they often aren't.

JJacks0, this points to the fact how conflicted they really are with attachments.

There were moments that on the surface all was really well yet she was meanwhile unloading all her hidden frustration about me to a long-time friend.
Really nasty toxic comments i learned afterwards. And she didn't even raise any issue with me, i only learned about those hidden frustrations during deval.

The outside impression therefor is not the reality.

[woundedPhoenix]

She have no issues with the new guy and this mean that the problem was me,
i need to work hard and improve myself.

Improve yourself and work hard is a good thing. But do it for yourself, not because of your ex, she shouldn't set your standard!

[Skip]

I didn't want to hijack - set up a corollary discussion here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301792.0

[Herodias]

He could be the biggest doormat on the planet, but that would not stop the fact she'll still need years of therapy.

I was the biggest doormat on the planet! It doesn't matter, eventually they grow bored with that too. Nothing ever made him happy. I gave in to every wish and whim. It's pathetic now that I think about it. He looked for something he could pin on me to want to get away... .awful! The only thing I eventually did was not respect his behavior... .once he saw that, he was done.

[IamGrey]

I was the biggest doormat on the planet! It doesn't matter, eventually they grow bored with that too. Nothing ever made him happy. I gave in to every wish and whim. It's pathetic now that I think about it. He looked for something he could pin on me to want to get away... .awful! The only thing I eventually did was not respect his behavior... .once he saw that, he was done.

This is it. There is no right way to please them, unless they choose years of intensive therapy and even then that's no guarantee.
Whether you're a doormat, the complete opposite, or somewhere in the middle, these relationships are impossible.

[Duped 1]

Impossible is right! I ran myself ragged for her and made her the center of my world and completely lost myself as a result. It was never enough. She would say that just because she was the focus of my life and I was killing myself trying to please her that didn't mean I was meeting all of her needs. Self centered needy child. No one will EVER please her!

[once removed]

is a relationship where one party is a doormat healthy or fulfilling anyway?

[kc sunshine]

You'd have to meet all of their needs and not trigger them... .that's a fine needle to have to thread!

[amunt]

is a relationship where one party is a doormat healthy or fulfilling anyway?

For a people pleaser type of guy like him its healthy , he like that role.
He like to be the white knight who save the little girl

I simply cant believe that she will devalue him, she have no reason to do that

[Herodias]

No once removed... .it is not healthy at all. People pleasing is just another personality flaw, when over-done with out boundaries and not taking care of ones own needs. You have to "put the oxygen mask on first" is what I tell myself now.

[lovenature]

They just need Love and Acceptance, follow their needs and everything will be ok

The saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away.
Their reality is based on their current emotion of the moment; you never will be able to provide what they need on a constantly moving emotional line between engulfment and abandonment.
Continually sacrificing your own needs to try and sooth a borderline isn't what most people would consider a happy life.
I suggest you continue to learn about BPD, and remember that you are posting on the "detaching" board.