First time on message board EVER

[Dominique3693]

Troublesome marriage for 33 years, I am a compulsive people pleaser and have  basically danced on the head of a pin to try to make/keep him happy. Sometimes it worked, right now it isn't.  It is like a door finally opened and I realize I'm being taken for granted by someone who feels constantly persecuted, angry and bitter.  He has this habit of exploding at me right before a party or big event and it literally comes out of nowhere, so I am mortified, numb and paralyzed.  I feel kicked in the stomach. "Everything is my fault and I am a horrible person that he and the children cannot stand" He works in another city, so usually I am walking on eggshells until he leaves and I can relax.  The distance makes things tolerable, but he is a taker and I feel sucked dry.  I go back and forth from angry to devastated. 

Need to sleep now and continue to work out my feelings. Grateful that I have found this site.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sluggo]

Dominique3693,

Welcome to the board.  I am sorry you are going through this.  Yes 33 years is a long time to be in the cycle.  I am a people pleaser also as many others here are.  Keep posting and writing down your questions and feelings.  There are many people who are in or have been in the same spot as you are.  You are not alone.  It is a very overwhelming place to be that can take up so much of your energy with the emotional switchs from anger to devestation. 

What was the 'door' or event that finally opened where you realized that you were being taken for granted?

[Hisaccount]

Very happy to hear from you as well.

The blow up before parties or events, I forgot about that one. I went through that, every party, every vacation.
We usually traveled for vacation 15-20 hours away, 4 kids so we usually drove.
We would plan it so we typically drove all night but could get to the motel at check in time so we could all rest and enjoy the pool or something.
Every time. Melt down over things I never understood and we would be leaving late. Started off wrong.
One time we were in yellowstone national park and she had an episode and she took off walking. I know I need to follow her but I have little kids in the car. It was a tough spot to be in.

They do suck you dry until nothing is left. Then they kick you a few times just to make sure there is nothing left.

[FiveForFighting]

Yes, I agree that there is a lot of suction occurring in these relationships. Whats more... .is that the individual with BPD seems to find avenues, words or actions to convince you that you are actually the cause of the problem or the pain or the emptiness. That you are not providing enough, not caring enough, never make time for, never show interest towards your pwBPD. "You are a good father but you're a horrible husband"... .is what you'll hear in an effort to elicit some kind of response or behavior. "If you loved me, you would... ." If you were actually sorry, then you would never do ... ." Why you don't go find someone else because its clear you don't love me". I too have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember and I make a great enabler. One thing I will say, after 20 years with my uBPD spouse, I have learned how to stand up and construct good boundaries in all of my relationships except for the ones in my own home. My wife will often ask "why do you have such low self esteem?" Funny... .I don't have low self esteem after I walk out the door to my home. Everyday is an opportunity to improve on something in my life.