Thoughts that help my healing

[Recovering480]

I was thinking this morning about how out of character I was during our relationship.  I was on edge. I was scared/worried to be "myself".  I don't usually act my age (mid-40s) and not in a bad way.  I have/had a weird sense of humor and I enjoy making people laugh and smile.  I'll laugh at a fart joke.   One night, I made the "mistake" of laughing at something probably inappropriate. She didnt say anything but I told her, foolishly, that I'm still a child at heart.

Of course, days later she used that against me. She wondered about our compatibility, my potential has a life partner and possible father.  Rather than getting defensive, I tried to be more "mature".

It killed me.

One night, over drinks, I clarified what I had meant.  That I attempted to see the world through a child's eyes: curiosity, amusement, joy. And that I didnt really care what she thought.  Because she had been drinking, she told me she admired that about me and that she was proud of me for taking a stand. She ended it with a "finally". That was the crux. One on hand, she could be supportive, but on the other, there was a catch. When we first dating, and I would call her out on something she had said, she would call me a "sensitive little b***h". So I just stopped saying anything.

I was hurting last night. I was missing her. I wanted to text her and ask her why she did this. How could she tell me she loved me, yet cast me aside so carelessly.

I didnt reach out. I know now that there is no rhyme or reason to any of this.  That's the hard part. There is no closure. There never will be.

Regardless, I woke up this morning thinking about how much I had tried to change for her. Compromising myself, my core values. And that helped me. Every time I think I miss her, I think back to something that was said. Or how on edge I was most of the time.  Towards the end, when she was loving, I knew it wouldnt last long so I couldnt enjoy it like I had before.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Recovering, Like you, I pretended a lot in my marriage to a pwBPD.  In that sense, I was living a lie.  Now I strive to be authentic, which feels a lot better because my actions align with my core.  Sure, I'm still human and make mistakes, but they are honest mistakes, not the false moves that characterized my BPD marriage.  Now I listen to my gut feelings, which I had to ignore while married to my BPDxW.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Regardless, I woke up this morning thinking about how much I had tried to change for her. Compromising myself, my core values. And that helped me. Every time I think I miss her, I think back to something that was said. Or how on edge I was most of the time. 

Hi Recovering480,

I think this is a great realization you've had. In my relationship, too, I noticed that I was starting to contort myself so much to fit with his needs and wants that I was ignoring my needs and wants. It felt just plain awful. I realize now that I'd rather be single than compromise my core values for anyone.

heartandwhole

[Recovering480]

Hi Recovering480,

I think this is a great realization you've had. In my relationship, too, I noticed that I was starting to contort myself so much to fit with his needs and wants that I was ignoring my needs and wants. It felt just plain awful. I realize now that I'd rather be single than compromise my core values for anyone.

heartandwhole

Yes, that's exactly it.  I started wondering "Who am I now? When did this happen? What happened to my confidence? My swagger? My zest for life?" The day she broke up with me, I went straight to the gym and spent the day doing what I wanted. And I haven't stopped.

Well... .that's not entirely true. I'm still scared/worried about things. I spent months on edge, waiting for it to hit the fan, that a part of me, even though I'm single, is still waiting. I hope that passes because I hate being controlled like that.

[Moselle]

Yes, that's exactly it.  I started wondering "Who am I now? When did this happen? What happened to my confidence? My swagger? My zest for life?" The day she broke up with me, I went straight to the gym and spent the day doing what I wanted. And I haven't stopped.

Well... .that's not entirely true. I'm still scared/worried about things.

Recovering. Thanks for sharing your story it's at the heart of my experience too. I've learned that at our core is a set of beliefs about ourselves, about others and the world.

What beliefs are at the heart of the confidence you once showed? How can you reset the hard drive and kickstart some new beliefs?

[Hisaccount]

I appreciate it as well.

Who am I?
What am I?

Those are the questions I ask myself everyday.

[Recovering480]

Recovering. Thanks for sharing your story it's at the heart of my experience too. I've learned that at our core is a set of beliefs about ourselves, about others and the world.

What beliefs are at the heart of the confidence you once showed? How can you reset the hard drive and kickstart some new beliefs?

Great questions!

For one, I found myself lying to her about things. I never lie. It's one of those things that I've held onto my entire life. I went to a party a few weeks ago and when she asked what I was I doing, I said I was just hanging out at my house. I knew it would cause problems if she knew where I was because she had a tendency to get jealous about other women. This was a friend's birthday party. I applied for another job (she kept on me about how I needed to keep striving for better positions even though I'm quite content in my current job and she wanted me to get a raise for "our" future). Once I applied, she kept on me about following up with the HR person. Nonstop. I've been on hiring committees and I know that this the quickest way to irritate someone. I lied and said I had called her and left a message. My ex later told me that I had zero drive and SHE had to push me to follow up. This was usually followed by a lecture about "growing a pair of balls", "manning up", "taking the bull by the horns"... .blah blah blah. She said I was lazy even though I work two jobs so I can pay back student loans and spend entirely too much on her.

She's an expert on everything and will lecture me on things that she knows very little about. Like my job. It was sometimes funny. I would just sit there and listen and smile to myself. I had someone reach out and ask for professional advice on a research topic that my ex knows NOTHING about. I was excited that I was being ask to consult and I told her. She went on and on about her contacts and what I should do. I told my counselor this (who holds a PhD in Psych): "Imagine you told me that you were conducting a research project and I told you, hey I took PSYCH 104 in college and you need to do this and this and this. Trust me! I know!" It was ridiculous. I'm not an unintelligent man by any means. But I found I could NEVER voice anything about my own research, my own work, because she would start lecturing me on something. Most night I just sat there, staring at the sky while she talked.

She got mad at me for yawning one night.

I guess the other thing is just taking care of myself. Physically. That all went out the window. I used to go to the gym almost every day and watched what I ate. For months, that all slowed down. I was smoking more to deal with the constant stress, so I was losing weight (she'd make jokes about me possibly being HIV positive. Seriously? Who does that?). I was definitely drinking more. With her.

Now, I'm back at the gym. Trying to cut back on the smoking. Not drinking. Eating. I've gained 5 lbs in just a week.

I think the final thing is low tolerance for drama. Last Monday was the first time I really stood up to her. I don't regret anything I said. It was the recognition that I'm done. I cannot do it anymore.

I'm sure there's more. What about you?

[Recovering480]

I appreciate it as well.

Who am I?
What am I?

Those are the questions I ask myself everyday.

Exactly. Our identity definitely shifted in this relationship. I'm just trying to grab hold of who I was before. Though I know I've changed as a result of this.

[Hisaccount]

Drama, Ha I love it. They say they hate drama but they create all of it.

I love the HIV. My ex went and got test for STDs because she was convinced I was screwing around on her.
You know good and well I never touched another woman (or man)

I started lying too and cussing. Dang I never used a cuss word, I do now. The lying though that kind of set me back.
I was trying to find a vehicle for my 15 year old. I took off and drove around with a trailer checking out cars all day by myself and she never noticed I was gone and I was so afraid she would find out I was.
Then when I came home with one she was furious, even though we talked about it and she even helped me look at a few.

My ex left me, still doesn't feel like it, but I am sure it is for the better.
I often say, who would want what is left of me?

[Lucky Jim]

I'm just trying to grab hold of who I was before. Though I know I've changed as a result of this.

Right, it's about reconnecting with your core.  Yes, you've changed: you're stronger and know yourself better now!

LuckyJim

[Hisaccount]

I just keep laughing at some of this, sorry. It helps though to remember how bad it was.

You sat there and stared at the sky while she talked, I stared at the ceiling. I often would get up and start knocking down cob webs and she would get so mad. Nothing you can do but sit through it.

So how about this one, we were arguing about helping around the house, she did little or nothing. When we talked about it she said she had just clipped the dog toenails last week. Problem is the clippers have been in my pickup for 6 months because I take the dogs to work to bath them and clip their nails. But she argued to no end that she did it last week.

Can't win.

[Recovering480]

Drama, Ha I love it. They say they hate drama but they create all of it.

I love the HIV. My ex went and got test for STDs because she was convinced I was screwing around on her.
You know good and well I never touched another woman (or man)

I started lying too and cussing. Dang I never used a cuss word, I do now. The lying though that kind of set me back.
I was trying to find a vehicle for my 15 year old. I took off and drove around with a trailer checking out cars all day by myself and she never noticed I was gone and I was so afraid she would find out I was.
Then when I came home with one she was furious, even though we talked about it and she even helped me look at a few.

My ex left me, still doesn't feel like it, but I am sure it is for the better.
I often say, who would want what is left of me?

When she got back from her business trip (see other posts, I'm sure something happened on it), we were in bed and she kept asking, over and over again, if I slept with someone else while she was gone. I was shocked. I spent those 5 days trying to get a hold of her. She never responded because she admitted she was so drunk the entire time. I didn't do anything while she was gone.

As for the STD comment... .she even went so far to say that if I had anything, it was from the ex before her whom she felt had slept around. I don't speak to that particular ex, but I was offended she would say something so nasty about her.

[Recovering480]

I just keep laughing at some of this, sorry. It helps though to remember how bad it was.

You sat there and stared at the sky while she talked, I stared at the ceiling. I often would get up and start knocking down cob webs and she would get so mad. Nothing you can do but sit through it.

So how about this one, we were arguing about helping around the house, she did little or nothing. When we talked about it she said she had just clipped the dog toenails last week. Problem is the clippers have been in my pickup for 6 months because I take the dogs to work to bath them and clip their nails. But she argued to no end that she did it last week.

Can't win.

LOL! That's awesome.

Moments like this, I find the humor in it. I called an old buddy on Monday and I was actually laughing with some of the stories I was telling him. It's so surreal.

[Broken88]

So how about this one, we were arguing about helping around the house, she did little or nothing. When we talked about it she said she had just clipped the dog toenails last week. Problem is the clippers have been in my pickup for 6 months because I take the dogs to work to bath them and clip their nails. But she argued to no end that she did it last week.

Can't win.

I have had a lot of similar experiences. Me and my x was on and off living together. At one time we had been living together for a year or so, and i did everything that were done. Okay i didn't do it all that well, and every once in a while, she would cook. But i did all the day to day tasks, even when i was working or went to school, i still did all the dog walking, shopping, the small amount of cleaning that were done etc... And if we spoke about it then, she did a lot of the stuff i did (in her mind). I brought it up during an argument a couple of months ago, and then it had changed to, she did most of the stuff, and was cooking almost every night...

It is laughable you are right! But right now, 3 weeks out, it is hard to find the funny side. Because there is such a big part of my life missing. But it does really help to focus on the ridiculous sides of the relationship, to focus on the stuff that really messed me up, and to focus on the stuff written earlier in this thread, " Who am i?" "What am i?" "What do I want?"

For me this is difficult, i am sure most of you can relate. i have been hard wired to think about this other person, and how to "save" her, or fck it just to "save" the day from becoming an absolute nightmare. So now it is difficult to think about myself now, to care about what i am doing or where i am going. I am sure this will get easier with time, and better.

[Recovering480]

I have had a lot of similar experiences. Me and my x was on and off living together. At one time we had been living together for a year or so, and i did everything that were done. Okay i didn't do it all that well, and every once in a while, she would cook. But i did all the day to day tasks, even when i was working or went to school, i still did all the dog walking, shopping, the small amount of cleaning that were done etc... And if we spoke about it then, she did a lot of the stuff i did (in her mind). I brought it up during an argument a couple of months ago, and then it had changed to, she did most of the stuff, and was cooking almost every night...

It is laughable you are right! But right now, 3 weeks out, it is hard to find the funny side. Because there is such a big part of my life missing. But it does really help to focus on the ridiculous sides of the relationship, to focus on the stuff that really messed me up, and to focus on the stuff written earlier in this thread, " Who am i?" "What am i?" "What do I want?"

For me this is difficult, i am sure most of you can relate. i have been hard wired to think about this other person, and how to "save" her, or fck it just to "save" the day from becoming an absolute nightmare. So now it is difficult to think about myself now, to care about what i am doing or where i am going. I am sure this will get easier with time, and better.

Hi again Broken,

Yep... .I was constantly told a "real man" will anticipate what needs to be fixed at her house. Our last blow out: me not leaving work to go to her house to help her load the car for our trip.

Yeah, because I'm lazy remember? Work two jobs. Yet, she wanted me to leave and help.

I know you're feeling bud. But try to stay positive. It will get better. Your life is not empty. It's become enriched because you're free.

[Broken88]

Hi again Broken,

Yep... .I was constantly told a "real man" will anticipate what needs to be fixed at her house. Our last blow out: me not leaving work to go to her house to help her load the car for our trip.

Yeah, because I'm lazy remember? Work two jobs. Yet, she wanted me to leave and help.

I know you're feeling bud. But try to stay positive. It will get better. Your life is not empty. It's become enriched because you're free.

Hi again Recovering !

Jeez... One month before she ended things, she called me up to say, she had kissed another guy... And then she got mad, that i wasn't jumping out of bed (it was 7 am, and i had been drinking all night before) to drive 25 km to go get her... It is really messed up how their minds work, i don't know if it is entitlement they feel, that we have to go that extra mile for them, ALL THE TIME.

I am really trying to stay positive! I decided to go to Poland with some polish friends and party like i was 18 again, this new years. It will be awesome! I did it a couple of time while i was with my BPD ex, but it would always be difficult because she would be calling and writing all the time, because she couldn't stand the distance between us...

Finally, you are right... I am free (sort of) but i will become free (totally) at some point. Then i will Never EVER get involved with a girl with BPD again... It's just too much drama and crazy for me...

[Recovering480]

Hi again Recovering !

Jeez... One month before she ended things, she called me up to say, she had kissed another guy... And then she got mad, that i wasn't jumping out of bed (it was 7 am, and i had been drinking all night before) to drive 25 km to go get her... It is really messed up how their minds work, i don't know if it is entitlement they feel, that we have to go that extra mile for them, ALL THE TIME.

I am really trying to stay positive! I decided to go to Poland with some polish friends and party like i was 18 again, this new years. It will be awesome! I did it a couple of time while i was with my BPD ex, but it would always be difficult because she would be calling and writing all the time, because she couldn't stand the distance between us...

Finally, you are right... I am free (sort of) but i will become free (totally) at some point. Then i will Never EVER get involved with a girl with BPD again... It's just too much drama and crazy for me...

Can I make a suggestion? Cut back on the drinking. It's not helping you heal. Trust me. When I have a few drinks, I get sad and want to reach out. When I'm hungover, I feel even worse. I hardly drink now at all (it used to be my go-to) and in the morning, I feel so much more positive about things. Please try it.

[Broken88]

Can I make a suggestion? Cut back on the drinking. It's not helping you heal. Trust me. When I have a few drinks, I get sad and want to reach out. When I'm hungover, I feel even worse. I hardly drink now at all (it used to be my go-to) and in the morning, I feel so much more positive about things. Please try it.

I know i know, i have a history of substance abuse. I only drink when i feel "ready" for it. Like a positive mindset, with good friends. There is ofc the problem of her maybe writing me, or even calling me, when i am drunk... Would be a problem... But definitely a good advice! I have been smoking a bid too much lately (also cigarettes but not limited too), that is also unhealthy for my recovery, and i am cutting back on that as well. You are absolutely right. I am only 26 but i feel the same, alcohol and drugs used to be my go to, but now i would rather get to know me, and why the h*ll i felt the need for that girl...

I am trying to focus on writing songs, doing my job and when i kick this cold (have been a bad one) i will start working out again, got my fysio working on a workout plan for me... I am trying to do this right, without going all crazy, like i used to do (and did during the 6 and a half year relationship) .

Thanks for the advice, i will try to comply.

Like you actually, i tried to get out after only 6 months, but i wasn't strong enough and got pulled back in. Make sure not to do that ! You had the BEST possible part of a relationship with her, from here on out, it will go totally bonkers.

[Moselle]

Great questions!
What about you?

My new beliefs after similar abuse for 15 years is:

- I am lovable, worthy, and deserving of a healthy partner, and of raging success in my business
- I have all the energy, skill and desire to live a great life.
- I am an overflowing miracle.
- The world owes me nothing, I am responsible for my life and sucesss.
- God loves me and is with me.  I can rely on his guidance.
- I am able to get over this speed bump and keep moving forward.
- I can stop controlling people and hold them accountable instead.
- I do not have to deal with my ex's mental problems, I gave them back to her when I divorced her.

There are also some things I am not happy with in my life:

- My financial situation post divorce.
- My emotional maturity and capability
- The level of fun I am having
- Relationships. With my children, friends and with a potential partner
- Spiritual - I am not sufficiently connected to God's power.
- I am not as fit as I want to be

I know that what I focus on gets better. I make a point of laughing at my ex's antics and focussing instead on my life and these great things

[Hisaccount]

You guys are freaking awesome, I have gotten more therapy in this thread than what I have paid hundreds for.

Beer is my happy drink. Beer and naked rock band. I do fear I will over due the beer at somepoint but I just don't care yet. (I mean like one beer with no dinner before bed)

Okay, okay, what about when you would try again?
For me it was that point where we should have called it off, neither of us wanted to give up so we decide to try again. We jump in with both feet. They don't do anything different.
For me it was sending cards and flowers and gifts and more date nights and long loving emails, and sweet texts, cooking favorite dinners everyday, waiting on her hand and foot.
Then when she complains about me stopping those things and giving up again I say, you noticed what I did, what did you do to try and improve the relationship?
Well, I called you, I gave you a hug, I said good night.
Apparently that is a direct and equal correlation between the work she put in and the work I put in.

I am not a real man because I cook, clean and do laundry.

Here is another one referring to the lazy money comment made earlier.
My ex was in school, I got a second job to support her best I could, keep in mind I am the only income, 3 teenage boys in the house going to private school and 2 of them have braces I am paying on.
So second job, entire paycheck goes into an account that only the ex has access too.
When she runs out of money (she won't ask I have to check her account to see) She won't take cash from me because you do that for kids and hookers not wives, she won't use the joint account because that is "my" money.
I had to go take money out of one account and drive to the other bank and deposit it into the account she was using.
If I let her run out then I am not supporting her through school and I am mean and controlling.

Or how about, oh you don't have to clean up after me, I can get it. But then it never gets cleaned up. Ever.

[GoldenRoole]

One thing that helps me is going over the long list of hateful things my ex have said & done--in addition to the lying and obvious cheating--over our horrible roller coaster of a relationship.

For example, I'm a cancer survivor of 20 years and have lost all my siblings and mother from the disease as it runs in my family.  I told him all about this and he knew very well my ongoing fears of my cancer returning.  So, what does he do during one of our many arguments where I suggested he should really see a therapist?  He looks me dead in my eyes, purses his lips, raises one eyebrow and casually says:

"Hmph. Well, at least I'm not dying of cancer like you are."

(And, no, I don't even have cancer).  What adult human being says something this disgusting?  Especially someone who claimed to have loved me so much with plans of marriage?

Proof right there I needed to get the he11 out of that rship.