I need to end this

[brownbear]

I am new to this board. I have only been in a relationship with this person for a few months and it has been completely crazy. I didn't realize she was a pwBPD until my counselor suggested that I learn more about BPD. Everything I read was describing her behavior exactly.

I am beginning to realize that real intimacy with this person is impossible. I want to end the relationship but it is very hard to stay away from her. My friends and family are worried about my mental health since this relationship started and I just seem to get deeper and deeper involved.

I am thankful that this site and messageboard are available.

[Mutt]

Hi brownbear,



I'm sorry to hear that. You are right, a pwBPD fear of losing their identity in the r/s and push, the distance then triggers their fear of being alone and they pull, this push / pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner.

I want to end the relationship but it is very hard to stay away from her.

I know that this sounds straightforward, do you live together? How long have you been together?

[Recovering480]

I wish I had posted something like this when I first saw the behavior.

Trust me: the sooner you get out of it, the quicker you will heal. There are many people on here who have been married/with their partner for years and years. With children involved. It gets more and more difficult as time passes.

I was on another forum because I felt like I was constantly being run over. This was within a month. Someone suggested BPD and I looked it up.

I still refused to accept it and focused on the "good" times and chalked up her behavior to excessive alcohol.

Four months later, we finally broke up. I'm struggling. But I know it would be worse if we had stayed together longer.

Trust your instincts, trust your gut.

[cbm419]

Count yourself in the lucky crowd for seeing the signs this early. Many of us were too busy falling head over heels into our idealization phases that it took years of chaos to lift the veil of what that thing we called "love" actually is- a toxic, controlling state of codependent vapirism. I know it sounds extremely mean and cruel to ask someone to envision their GF like this.  Keep in mind, she doesnt control you because she's evil, she does it because she knows no better. These people are, as you said, incapable of real intimacy.  

I would say, if you are truly ready to end this relationship, it will have to be a clean cut.  As in: absolutely no contact once its done. Anything you want back that she may have at her place- get it back before you drop the axe.  

After its done, you wont want to leave any doors open... .she has already learned how to prey on your weaker points, your soft side (this tactic is what hypnotized you in the first place), and will have those blades sharper than ever after you break up.  She will say and do anything to get your attention- whether its threats of self harm, outright begging, promises to change, etc.  As you continue to hold your ground, she will dangle her newest victim in front of you-- on social media, or if you allow direct contact... .its a cry for attention.   All of these things will make you miserable, make you question your choice, and further the dysfunction this relationship has sown in your life. this is why no contact is important.

I have learned the hard way from my own experience.  all my friends and family rebelled against the relationship, said i was crazy, pointed out all the toxic aspects i had been willfully ignoring.  my BPD love convinced me our love was so real, it was "okay" for it to be "us against the world," that those closest to me just "didnt understand us."  it was a very childlike way to look at love (and on reflection, that childlike innocence and vunerabilty-a complete sham btw- was one of the things that drew me in)... .real, mature love helps the partners thrive in all areas of their lives, enhances their bond with family and friends.  I began to imagine the wedding day for me and my BPD- literally nobody but us and the minister, since nobody in my life approved of the relationship.  friends heard about our drama and told me over and over to leave, until they got so sick of it that i began to lose those friendships altogether.  Meanwhile, my BPD found every possible way to fill this newly created void with drama, drama, drama and all the attention seeking behavior you could imagine.  Soon, all my free time was occupied by loving, soothing, fighting, chasing after or running away from this person.

attempts at a "normal" lets be friends breakup will fail.  you cant treat this person normal, because they just are not.  

Does your gf have a close circle of long-time friends, or a large group of acquaintances that cycle in and out of her life?  :)oes she meet people who quickly become her BFF until a later disagreement where she cuts them out? mine did this always.  Short, intense, relationships where they are kindred spirits with this new friend, and then suddenly one day this amazing friend is now the devil.  Yes, my BPD did have some long term friends, but it was clear these people stayed at arms length with them at all times, could clearly only handle my BPD in small doses.

take it from me and everyone else on this board- when you break up, and it sounds as if you should- it has to be a clean cut.  tell the person not to contact you and that you are going to block them.  then block them.  some people here leave one harmless channel open- like a personal email- because complete blocking may lead to extreme attempts like showing up at home, work, etc and causing scenes.  doing that is your call, but be prepared for a lot of attention seeking chaos to follow.

good luck!

 

[brownbear]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post.

We have only been together for a few months. We don't live together, so that makes things easier.

She told me that she has a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and BPD but firmly denied she has BPD.

It started out as a whirlwind romance, but things started to go downhill about a month ago. I got my first taste of her turning on me and attacking me verbally. She was paranoid and accusing me of trying to purposefully hurt or trick her. None of this was based on reality. I experienced the first shut down on communications. It happened so quickly I felt dumbstruck. I had no idea what was going on.

Since then, she has been hot and cold. She can go from a good mood to a bad mood and back again within one day. In one 24 period, she told me that she trusts me 100% and then later told me that she doesn't trust me and is watching my behavior closely. She tests me on a regular basis and I have become reluctant to talk much. 

Within a few months, my entire life has been turned upside down. From what I am reading here, she is just trying to cope with her emotions with these behaviors. Intellectually, I can understand that but this relationship is having a very negative effect on me.

I will continue to participate in this forum until I can figure out which direction to go.
 

[Recovering480]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post.

We have only been together for a few months. We don't live together, so that makes things easier.

She told me that she has a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and BPD but firmly denied she has BPD.

It started out as a whirlwind romance, but things started to go downhill about a month ago. I got my first taste of her turning on me and attacking me verbally. She was paranoid and accusing me of trying to purposefully hurt or trick her. None of this was based on reality. I experienced the first shut down on communications. It happened so quickly I felt dumbstruck. I had no idea what was going on.

Since then, she has been hot and cold. She can go from a good mood to a bad mood and back again within one day. In one 24 period, she told me that she trusts me 100% and then later told me that she doesn't trust me and is watching my behavior closely. She tests me on a regular basis and I have become reluctant to talk much. 

Within a few months, my entire life has been turned upside down. From what I am reading here, she is just trying to cope with her emotions with these behaviors. Intellectually, I can understand that but this relationship is having a very negative effect on me.

I will continue to participate in this forum until I can figure out which direction to go.
 

Keep us posted. And I really wish you the best. This is exactly how my relationship started. Whirlwind romance and then things started getting seen/felt.

Honestly, now would be the time to leave. I understand the hesitation. Everyone was telling me to leave but I felt that I loved her so much and that she would change, that I stuck it out.

[formflier]

I will continue to participate in this forum until I can figure out which direction to go.
 

While you are figuring this out, please do some thinking on "why" it is hard for you to walk away.  I'm not judging a reason as right or wrong... .that's not our role.  Our role is to push you to have a reason... .one way or another.  A choice that YOU made, vice a circumstance that you "find" yourself in.

Full disclosure:  I'm more of a "stayer", in my case, I've got a lot of kids... .and I've figured out a way to stabilize things.  My wife's core issue is paranoia. 

I don't "participate" in it any longer.  She may or may not find other people to listen to her theories, that's not my business... what is my business is that I don't discuss why I am in love with such and such person... .or had a love child with another.

It was odd at first to break away from all that, but things really did simmer down.

If you are interested... .you could post an interaction of what you said and what she said as she is telling you crazyness.  We could help you learn strategies to avoid participating in this.

FF

[Gladiola]

I feel for you,but also have a feeling you're in a better position then many of us,for sure myself.So hard to detach when there are feelings,kids,financials and business involved.Not easy to leave a person with BPD.Do yourself a huge favor and leave.Cold Turkey.Try to figure what brought you in this relationship to begin with.
life is beautiful.

[brownbear]

I am working with a therapist now to look into why I am attracted to this person. I know that a have a big part in this and my therapist is helping me to start the process of examining myself.

I definitely had a rough childhood with a violent, alcoholic father. I grew up in chaos and appointed myself defender of the family at 10. I am sure that there are a variety of incidents that would lead to me being attracted to a pwBPD.

[Mutt]

Hi brownbear,

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. I am happy to hear that you're working with a T, you could share with members on the coping board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0 I'm not saying that your dad has BPD, some people have addictive personalities without a mental illness and others that abuse substances have a mental illness of some sort.

That being said, leaving or staying is a personal choice, you don't have to rush through it. You have an advantage if you don't live together, you can look at that in a couple of ways, you have some distance, you could use that for leverage.

[TommyBahama]

I am married and wish I had gotten out when I saw the signs, but love is a strange thing so I cannot suggest that you stay or leave, just think about it carefully and what challenges you face going forward.  Is she willing to get help or counselling?  My wife will not.

[brownbear]

She is in therapy for Bipolar Disorder and is heavily medicated. She refuses to admit she has BPD though.