Things seem, dare I say, stable...?

[obliv326]

If you've been following my story, I had a pretty rocky romance with someone that hit bottom last spring, and she cut me off and gave me the silent treatment all summer, then reached out in mid September. We've been in sporadic contact ever since, and except for one rough day, it's been smoother.

I was in the process of establishing some boundaries I'd let her define that weren't working for me when she was almost raped Halloween weekend. I have tried to be supportive ever since, and in the last couple weeks she's actually seemed to be getting better. Our last few exchanges have been a lot more pleasant and it seems like she's reaching out a bit. So I'm hopeful.

I do have a specific question. The other night she started complaining about her weight. Now typically, my response is to tell any woman who voices this concern that they are perfect the way they are and don't need to change for anyone. But I was a little wary of what to do.

I felt like that response might come off as invalidating. I did tell her that I thought she looked great and I couldn't see that she'd gained weight at all. I didn't want to validate that opinion bc I. It only didn't think it was true, but I know she'd feel terrible if I even gave the impression that it had happened.

I ended up telling her that I know it sounds like I'm just blowing off her concern, but I'm not. I know she is upset about it, but I honestly think she looks great. I then told her that, if she felt that way, that I'd seen her work really hard last winter gong to the gym and dieting, and I knew she was willing to work hard.

And that's she's perfect the way she is and doesn't have to change fo anyone.

Did I do okay?

And I had a question about something else... .I think in my situation, I gave her the impression that I had no boundaries with her and would always take her back no matter what because I didn't kick her to the curb when I would have with most other women, and because I think sometimes validation can come off thT way, even if you're doing it right. So what do you do when you need to show that you won't be spineless and still be supportive?

I'm trying to let her do the reaching out, which is hard. I am worried about her and how she's dealing with her unpleasant after effects from the situation, and I want to reach out and check on her. But I feel like, given how I did react in the past, that will make me look needy.

So I'm letting her reach out, and it's hard. I worry that I'll look sort of heartless for not seeing if she's okay... .and yet, letting her reach out seems to have worked... .maybe?

As always, thanks in advance for the feedback. This board has been a lifesaver

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[ArleighBurke]

The other night she started complaining about her weight... .I did tell her that I thought she looked great... .

Invalidating... .sorry - it's sounds like you considered your response a lot, but this is invaldating. Of course, this is a really horrible conversation to get into with ANY woman... .

Ignore the words - focus on the FEELING... .Do you practice SET? SET would be good here, but you can't just straight into TRUTH until you know what she is actually upset about. So you need to explore her feelings first. "Why do you feel that way?", "That must feel horrible to hate your own body", "It *is* difficult to find the right balance... .".

I gave her the impression that I had no boundaries with her and would always take her back no matter what because I didn't kick her to the curb when I would have with most other women, and because I think sometimes validation can come off thT way, even if you're doing it right. So what do you do when you need to show that you won't be spineless and still be supportive?

You say you would have kicked someone else to the curb, but not her. Why not? I'm suspecting you gave her the benefit of the doubt - or maybe because she was trying... .So she DIDN'T step over your boundary... .
You can always hypothetical with her to allow you to state your position "If my partner ever did X I would do Y... .". But do you need to? Boundaries are more about action. And it's quite ok to tell someone "I don't accept that. I understand why you've done it this time, but I'm making sure you know - if that happens again I am outta here". So long as you MEAN IT.

I want to reach out and check on her. But I feel like, given how I did react in the past, that will make me look needy.

It's all in the method and attitude. If you call her and plead for her to let you come over and comfort her - needy. If you call her and state quite clearly that you are thinking of her, and you are here if she needs anything - that's supportive. I don't know your history, but I would suggest reaching out.

[obliv326]

Hey

Well, there is a bit of news... .

So, we had been texting. It was pretty irregular but it was actually pretty good. She seemed to be in a really good mood and fairly happy, complaints about her weight notwithstanding. Then, last week, she just disappeared for a week. This has happened before, usually when she was down about something. So I gave her a few days of space, then wrote and asked if she was okay, adding that I worry. She said she was good, and had been at the gym. It was short and seemed to confirm that she might not be in the best headspace.

I will add a little background... .One of my big problems with her is that she avoids meeting me and keeps me at a distance. It was a long distance thing for the first few months, so I've only seen her one time, and then she brought a friend along. It didn't bother me too much. She said it took awhile for her to build trust and it would make her feel more comfortable. The upshot though is that I've seen her one time. She moved back this summer and reestablished contact and we've been kind of fumbling ever since, and, a couple months ago, we were going to meet and she flaked and I was devastated. Her distance has made me feel like she doesn't trust me. It's the kind of thing a girl does when they don't want to be with a guy but they don't want to hurt his feelings, and that's it who I am, or how our relationship was going. So, that is a big thing with me.

I set a boundary that if I was going to be in her life, I would need to be treated like everyone else she knows. We talk on the phone and meet in person. Not necessarily everyday or constantly, but that has to be part of it. I left that out there, and she did contact me again, and has seemed to be taking steps in that direction. She said she wished I lived closer so I could walk with her on Halloween, for example. However, that weekend, she was nearly raped, and I didn't feel like it was the right time to push her into anything where she wasn't comfortable.

However, given that we had been talking and she had seemed okay, despite the distance, I thought it was time to gently broach the topic again. I told her I would be in her area in Friday and if she wanted we should get a drink or dinner or something.

To my utter shock, she agreed. She also told me she had a Christmas present for me, which I also didn't expect. So, this was good.

Since then, of course, I've been completely overthinking. I'm concerned that she will flake again (and honestly, if she tells me first or even just has an excuse and is nice about it I won't mind too much) or will want to bring a friend again. I'm pretty sure she knows that either would bother me, the friend moreso, and I do think that this is a her trying to respect what I have told her I'm going to need, so I think she'll show up and we will hang out. In that case, the thing will be that I will have to not be too nervous as overthink. Hopefully it's good, bc I am usually fun and can be pretty charming. So can she, so if she's trying to fix things also it should go well.

Then today, a couple small hiccups... .first, she told me her card got hacked and she wouldn't be able to pay. I was planning on paying anyway so that's not a problem. The problem is that I don't believe  her card got hacked, and there is literally no reason to lie about that. So of course, I overthink it and wonder if she's trying to "friend zone" me, which I would not be okay with, and I'm pretty sure she knows that, as she's addressed it before. We haven't said what we are, really, but it has not ever been platonic, and she knows I'm not interested in that.

The second issue is that she had been going to bdsm clubs all summer. It was, basically, her entire social life. After the near rape, she told me she thought she was through with that bc she didn't need to be around people who didn't care for her. She went to a meeting (munch, if you know what that is! This week, and then listed on a social media site that she might be going to a play party that night... .which costs money. It kind of stings that she lied already, probably, and that her priority with money is a play party... .which I don't think is good for her anyway. But whatever. I'm trying to notvtake it personally. I'll go have a couple drinks with her and have a good time and hopefully she'll feel more comfortable around me.

Anyway, I am really nervous... .and the crazy thing is I have a date tonight with a much more together, mature, and attractive woman that I can hardly think about.

I think, in total, it's a good thing. I think she must want me around enough to respect my wishes about keeping me at a distance. I kind of hope the lying stops soon. But I guess one thing at a time, right?