Walking on Eggshells...what now? Help~

[JavaBlue]

I don't even know what to say... .Contemplating a divorce (secretly in my head).  After reading description of BPD (violent mood swings from him, lots of verbal abuse, suspicion from him, constant put-downs, irrational behavior, like trying to reason with a child, but everything seems logical to him), the only thing that doesn't fit is the suicidal descriptor.

We've been married 26 years and I just stay quiet when he goes on a rampage.  I feel like I've become non-emotional about anything because I think I've put up a wall inside my head to cope all these years.  Husband is verbally abuse and sometimes extremely mean to our 3 children (ages 23, 21, and 17).  I try to "save" them some grief by telling them how to avoid his wrath when he is in a bad mood.  These are good kids... .they are polite and responsible young adults. All three children played competitive team sports growing up and were/are all honor students. We lived on a mini-farm and the kids are all hard-workers.  I can't imagine how they have turned out so well due to all the put-downs and yelling (sometimes screaming) throughout their growing-up years.  I remember one time when I found our middle daughter sitting on the floor of her walk-in closet crying.  I put my arms around her, hugged her, and told her I loved her.  She cried and asked me why? Why? And then through tears she said, "But I am a good girl".  His yelling and words had made her feel like she was a bad kid.  Now, several years later I heard my son say almost the same words... ."But I am a good kid... .".  It is tearing me up inside.  They ARE good kids.  I probably should have left him years ago.

Anyway, I can't even begin, as you can imagine after living with this for 26 years and afraid to tell even my family (parents or grown siblings).  This feels like a dirty secret, and although I am not being physically abused, the verbal and mental abuse is shameful.  This year things have just gotten worse.  I would never have thought about divorce (I come from a family where my parents and relatives have lived out happy marriages for 50-70 years!), but I feel like my husbands hurtful words and actions are driving me away.  So, I have this niggling thought in the back of my head that maybe I should try to hold on until our son graduates from high school in May 2017 and then maybe leave my husband (divorce? separation?).  I have heard one daughter (still in college 2 hours away) AND also our son (a senior in High School) say on separate occasions that they can't wait to leave home and get away from "us". That breaks my heart... .I realize then that they view me on the "bad" side with him.  It makes me feel like I have been an enabler... .like someone covering up for an alcoholic relative or something.  Don't get me wrong, our children do love us and I think sometimes when they have told me they will leave and never come back it is when my husband is having a bad episode with his temper and taking it out verbally on them.  Our daughter still comes home to visit from college, and our oldest (graduated from college last December) got a job and still tries to come home as often as she can even though she is a 10-hour drive away.  They forgive the horrible way he makes them feel and have endured his verbal abuse, but they still love us.

I can't talk to him about the idea of BPD and that I think he may have a problem.  He is quick to point out that our problems are all because of me.  I can't seem to do anything to make him happy no matter how I change my behaviors, daily routines, words, or anything.  I once went to seek the help of a counselor psychologist/psychiatrist?)when our oldest daughter was born (23 years ago). I don't think I conveyed a true picture of what life was like and the doctor made me feel like it was all me just having postpartum depression after the baby.  I never went back.  I just tried to cope with the unhappiness and irrational behavior.  I am a doormat for him.

I finally recorded one of my husband's tirades on my phone (he doesn't know) and now had the courage to play it for my sister.  She didn't even listen to it all... .very disturbing.  She said it is proof he needs help.  So, she found this website for me. 

What do I do?  Part of me is fed up and wants to be free of his mean, hateful, and selfish ways.  The other part of me is scared of the financial burden of losing everything I have now.  I need help! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sad but wiser]

Dear JavaBlue,
Here it is safe.  I came to this site in 2013 and it helped me so much!  People here are kind qnd caring.  We have been through this too.  Your story is similar to mine.  I couldn't really tell anyone, it was like his finger was on my lips, stopping me.  Strangely enough, he was the one who left.  Because I told him no and meant it.  He was on a rampage against our kids, for no reason at all.  He was screaming the most horrible things at them!  Then my son (18) stood up to him.  My daughter (17) and I backed my son up.  I walked out the door, then went back in and asked the kids if they wanted to come with me.  We drove to a parking lot and talked.  Then we went back for some of our things.  Long story short, he left the house and moved into a house we had been fixing up to rent out.  Things are better.  We are divorced.  The kids are healing.  It takes time.  Just so you know, you are not alone.

[JavaBlue]

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I wish I knew how to stand up to him.  I have no idea how to say anything. My husband is very manipulative (and is ultra concerned about appearances... .what other people will think).  He twists my words and I can't even defend what I think is right.  Everything is always someone else's fault... .constant criticism and blame (and usually over things we don't see as a big deal).  I am glad to hear things worked out for you.  It gives me some hope.

[drained1996]

 

Welcome JavaBlue, so sorry to hear of your circumstances, but rest assured you are not alone in your experience.  Many here have gone through or are experiencing close to the same circumstances.  We feel your pain.  You are safe sharing  your feelings here, any and all!  You've found the right place for understanding, support, and personal growth and knowledge. It's a healthy step you have taken to look for some support for YOU!  
To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that can help you in your journey.  One thing I've learned is we cannot change them, but we can control how we react and communicate with them.  
You mentioned a therapist in your past, have you thought about returning?  Many here have found that having a professional guide in their process to be very beneficial... .I know I have.  This place is certainly a great supplement to therapy as well!  
What are you thoughts as to what you feel?  How do you think you would like to proceed in your relationship?  If you do not know, that's perfectly fine and normal... .simply asking to get you to think about YOU a little bit.  We are here, and you can feel safe posting anything, and any questions!  You've found the right place!  We look forward to hearing more.  

[JavaBlue]

Thank you for the reassuring message.  I liked how you have reminded me that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react.  I need to learn how to communicate without having my heart jump through my skin.  I am a nervous wreck sometimes when he starts in on me because I am such a non-confrontational person.  I will check out the resources you mentioned.  I have a lot I need to learn.  Thank you. 

[Skip]

I can't talk to him about the idea of BPD and that I think he may have a problem.  He is quick to point out that our problems are all because of me. 

Familiar story.

Here is a good article to read. The accompanying video is long, but it will give you a good idea on why he blames you and what you can do to turn that around.
Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy
https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols

I would suggest that it might help to learn the tools here for defusing conflict. It's not going to fix him, but it will make things easier for you in the immediate term and help you get to a better mental state to evaluate you options.

We'll here to walk with you.