power play?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So now I have confirmation that my ex-friend with BPD has blocked me from all forms of communication and that has me fuming.  Seriously now?  I was a good friend to this woman and reached out a number of time ONLY as a means of communicating love, peace and my hurt feelings. 

Anyway, I have to see this coward this afternoon.  First time in 5 months.  At first I was going to send another family member in my place but I think it would send a strong message to her if I go and say hello.  I AM NOT WEAK AND YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME. 

Thoughts?  Keep distance or show my strength and face her?  I won't say anything other than hello.  Then maybe mumble b___ under my breath

[jammit123]

So now I have confirmation that my ex-friend with BPD has blocked me from all forms of communication and that has me fuming.  Seriously now?  I was a good friend to this woman and reached out a number of time ONLY as a means of communicating love, peace and my hurt feelings. 

Anyway, I have to see this coward this afternoon.  First time in 5 months.  At first I was going to send another family member in my place but I think it would send a strong message to her if I go and say hello.  I AM NOT WEAK AND YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME. 

Thoughts?  Keep distance or show my strength and face her?  I won't say anything other than hello.  Then maybe mumble b___ under my breath

[rfriesen]

Hi jammit,

Good for you feeling strong enough to go in person and wanting to keep things to a simple hello. This could be a good opportunity to check in with how far along you are in your detachment.

That said, you say that you're currently "fuming" about being blocked on all forms of communication. Do you feel that you'll be able to keep your emotions in check if you meet her in person? If you do go to meet her, I recommend that you think of any message you want to send as one that you're sending for your own sake, not because you hope for any reaction from her or hope that she "gets the message". If you're worried about how she's interpreting your actions or how she's feeling about them, you continue to place a lot of power in her hands. And usually that's something that others can sense, to some extent or another. If she senses that you're trying to send her a message, that will give her validation that you're still focused on her thoughts and feelings and what she thinks of you.

So celebrate that feeling of strength and defiance, it's a healthy response to being hurt and treated unfairly. Just be careful about focusing on whether or not she sees it and gets the message. Celebrate your strength for your own sake, not to get back at her

[Mutt]

Hi jammit123,

I AM NOT WEAK AND YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME.

I wouldn't go tit for tat. If BPD taught me anything it is to not fight back with the same or more force, because BPD is just too rigid and you'll just end up being more hurt. Is it worth it? No, because it won't register with your ex. Running away from somebody doesn't mean that they're trying to break you, it means it's too emotional, remaining in contact with someone that you hurt triggers difficult feelings, you're a source of shame for her.

If you're interested in speeding up your recovery. I'd suggest self protection, keep your distance. save your strength and focus on taking care of you.

[jammit123]

Thank you for your responses.  I did give both a lot of thought.

When I reread my post today I realized how much ego was involved and thankfully, that is not what I felt/projected yesterday when I saw my friend (for the first time in 5 months).  Although we didn't say hello or even make eye contact, it was about as good as it could have been.  I watched my daughter play soccer and focused on how proud I was of her.  I did look her way and would have made eye contact but she was busy.  I left feeling fine with how it played out.  All the experience did for me what remind me how much I love/miss her.  I wish things didn't work out this way.  Would love to have my friend back.

It is what it is, though.  I'm learning.  Mutt, what you said really made me stop and think... .how not having contact may be more to do with her shame.  I found this to be a very interesting perspective.  Thanks.

[Mutt]

Sometimes our ego gets in the way yes, it helps to put yourself in the other person's shoes. That can be difficult when we're in pain from a break-up.  I'm glad that I was helpful.