Love stuck & a disordered gal

[FallBack!Monster]

 
At this point I'm not sure what to do, what to say, where to turn, or what to not say.

Brief introduction:
I am 29 and psych major with a minor in business. I work for an accounting firm. This becomes relevant later. I live alone and love to live life to the fullest. My dream is to settle with a woman who loves life like I do. A woman who respects herself and her body the way that I do. I didn't want to rush things and that became the main issue.

My ex is an accomplished accountant. Has her own side gig. We work for the same firm but in different departments. All this becomes relevant as I tell my story.
I'm here because I still love my ex. It has been 8 months since the break up and she has gone completely NC with me. The only time I'm able to see her is if I sneaky a peek. She'll say hi but immediately walks away or pretends to be engaged in conversation with whomever. It hurts so much. I'm thinking of leaving the firm. I cannot stand the pain. I text but not often. She never replies.
This is what actual led to the break up.  She kept hounding me about living together. We spent enough time together I didn't see a reason to move in because we had been having off periods.  :)uring these off which would last anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months we wouldn't be in contact with one another. I never officially dated or slept with anyone during the tim we were apart (my choice. I know) but she always had a replacement.  Eventually, somehow, we'll get back together. We've been together 3 plus years but not consistently.  The last time we got back together we were consistent for a year-and-a-half.

My reluctance to move in together was due to the fact she's untidy and it drove me nuts. Additionally, issues we've had in the past about how quick she replaced me each time we separated. She explained her views and concerns and so did I. We then decided to start back on a clean slate.  For a few months that seem to be the case. We were getting along like a healthy couple. I knew she lack domesticity so I kept house. She brought the groceries and helped me prepare meals.  If i asked her to help clean up, no problem. We practically lived together but I never made it official. She still had her own place. Main issue was her love of hiding her cell phone activities from me. Smirk on her face and I came near she wld lock it. That created distrust and consequently other problems. I felt our are problems were growing and I think we should spend some time apart to think and or until we can both calm down and decide what we really want. At first she said it wasn't what she wanted. I insisted because it was affecting my health.  Finally agreed, we kissed, we talk for the following 2 days and then she went ghost. I would try to go see her by no matter the time of day or night her car wasn't there. I assumed she had already replaced me.

I love her soo soo much. I miss her laughing and being silly. I miss cooking with her and talking. We talked about every and anything. I miss going shopping with her. I miss so much and she seems so happy. She said she wasn't seeing anyone but I know she is because she can't stand to be alone. I have lots of friends a D we spent time together. I try to keep bushing I still love her and wish she'd at least talk to me. I have invited her places but she won't reply to me. How could she have just forgot me soo very quickly when yesterday I was the one? Is there anything that I can do to at least have a talk? I'm afraid time is passing and later it will be too late by the time she's ready to acknowledge that we had something good. How do I get her back in my life? Is she gone for good?

I know it over but dang that's messed up.

I was fine for the first 6 months now I'm a wreck. Why did it get harder for me after the fact?

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[Mutt]

Hi LoveMeRnor,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a very painful experience when a loved one goes no contact on you. 8 months is a long time. There could be a few reasons why it feels worse, maybe it feels like she'll never come back or maybe it's because you run into at work and your wounds are not getting a chance to heal.

I'm.glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you. I don't think that there's people in real life that relate with how painful a r/s with a borderline can be. You're not alone.

How is your sleep? How's your appetite? Are you keeping in touch with family and friends? Hang in there.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi LoveMeRnor-

How could she have just forgot me soo very quickly when yesterday I was the one? Is there anything that I can do to at least have a talk? I'm afraid time is passing and later it will be too late by the time she's ready to acknowledge that we had something good. How do I get her back in my life? Is she gone for good?
I know it over but dang that's messed up.
I was fine for the first 6 months now I'm a wreck. Why did it get harder for me after the fact?

I've been in exactly that place, and it hurts, unrequited love hurts, I understand.  Sometimes we love someone who doesn't love us back, and vice versa, a part of life, not pleasant, but most consider taking the risk better than being alone.  And good for you for taking the risk to begin with, and creating some joy with her while you did.

And now, it doesn't sound like she wants to be with you, so you have a decision to make.  You can't get her back if she doesn't want to be with you, and you've tried, and seems the message is pretty clear.  So you can stay in that pain, or you can let go of the hope that she'll change her mind and move on.  A little difficult when you work together, I worked with my ex after we broke up, and although I thought I was handling it pretty well, a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders the day she got fired, scared me away from office romances forever.

But anyway, if you decide to live your life to the fullest, as you mention, and fill it up with people and activities you enjoy, you will not only shift your focus away from her, you will get mighty attractive, maybe to her, probably to women in general, and who knows what will happen.  She may suddenly show a renewed interest in you then too, women are like that, and then you can make a decision from that place, a grounded, centered place where you have all of your power and are in control of your outcome, a much better place to be.

So there it is, a choice to be made, is it time to make one?

[joeramabeme]

H LovemeRnor

Welcome to BPD Family.   

Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through.  Do you suspect that your ex is BPD?  I can see the always needing to be with someone else is a trait, but what else would make you think she qualifies?

This next question may be a little off-base but in reading your story, I was reminded of a women that I fell in love with who was/is a narcissist.  The way she held herself, her success and generally seeming unattainable to me drove me wild - even as I knew she was not a good match for me.  I was wondering if any of that is applicable to your situation?  Part of the reason for my question is that she doesn't seem to respect the r/s you two have by always hiding from you but you are missing her so much.  Any of that connect with you?

JRB

[FallBack!Monster]

Any of that connect with you?   

If you're asking if I get she doesn't want anything to do with me, yes that's obvious.  Otherwise I don't get the question. Is the reason for my writing

[joeramabeme]

Any of that connect with you?   

If you're asking if I get she doesn't want anything to do with me, yes that's obvious.  Otherwise I don't get the question. Is the reason for my writing

What I mean; does my story of chasing down an unavailable woman resonate with you.  Sounds like your ex is unavailable and that you are wanting her.  The "resonate" question is wondering if you have some insight into your own desire for a woman who is "obviously" telling you she is not interested in you.

Might sound like a prickly question, but understanding your own dynamics will help understand hers as well.