Avoidance as Coping Mechanism?

[heartandmind]

Hello!

It's my first post here but I've been reading for quite some time.

Tl;dr at bottom!

To spare the (very lengthy, as we know in these relationships) details, I started dating my ex-girlfriend almost two years ago. Over the course of our relationship she was diagnosed with a host of disorders, most severely BPD. We were together for a year before she hit a terrible drug addition and we broke up so she could sort out her issues, mature, grow, and so forth. She simply could not be there for me as she used to, given the circumstances. The split was kind, loving, and amicable, yet the most difficult for both of us. We were each other's absolute best friends and she would always tell me how she never felt so cared for in her entire life.

The relationship was extremely push/pull, to the point where she abruptly disappeared after we had sex for the first time and then again the second (we didn't have sex until four months into our relationship, so we were already very close). If we had a breakthrough conversation about our relationship that brought us closer than ever, she would bolt, only later to come back. This continued... .

After we broke up, we kept in touch for about two months in which she assured me that we were in everything together and that we could handle what we were going through. I (admittedly) began pushing for us to get back together (I was going through my own issues at the time that I am now thankfully long over) and she bolted, not responding to any of my messages over the course of a month.

I have (successfully) spoken to her twice since, and each time she asked to see me and told me that we would speak soon, only to run away from both yet again when I would follow up.

It's been three months since we have spoken. I texted her for her birthday at the end of October and received no response, though I'm not even quite sure if that's her number anymore.

She would always tell me that she gets so overwhelmed by her emotions and so anxious regarding them that she ends up avoiding entire situations altogether. I have sent her very important messages while we were together that would go unread – she would tell me that she was too anxious to ever read their contents. Quite honestly, she simply gets stuck in her own head and freezes, unable to act or move. She would leave me abruptly and cite the reason as the fact that she needed to grow up.

Sure, she could just not care about me at all anymore which is why she avoids me, but I really do not believe that in my gut and cannot see why she would not have told me to leave long, long ago when I asked if I should. I have seen her do that to plenty of people before. It's almost as if she just can't face me.

tl;dr Is avoidance and ignoring situations/people who mean/meant the world to them common with pwBPD? She also has a generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and a few other diagnosed conditions, but the avoidance seems to be out of control  It's as if I don't exist anymore, but when she is forced to face me, she cracks and gives in, only to run away again. Is that a fair assessment?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi whitekey,

She would always tell me that she gets so overwhelmed by her emotions and so anxious regarding them that she ends up avoiding entire situations altogether.

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know if I can completely answer your question but i'll give it a shot. You mentioned GAD which is an anxiety disorder, she could have a panic disorder in there too, avoidance is common with people that struggle with with anxiety disorders, they'll avoid people and places as a coping mechanism. I hope that helps.

[obliv326]

Hey

Let me say to begin with that I am not an expert of any kind, but I have been in a weird relationship with an undiagnosed pwBPD for over a year, and your story sounds so familiar I was wondering if we were dating the same girl, down to their birthday happening at the end of October.

I can tell you that, from my experience, avoidance absolutely is part of the MO. My SO would do the same... .we would have a sort of emotional breakthrough, and I'd think we had finally turned the corner, and then she'd get distant. It caused constant problems, and I had no idea that she might have BPD, so I assumed she had lost interest or had met someone else, which she would deny. She'd say she had just been upset, which seemed like a lie at the time but well within possibility in hindsight.

It got bad enough that we broke up, sort of drift d back together, and when she was accosted about her behavior by a friend of mine, she cut me off and went nc for a few months.

So, in my experience, not only is avoidance part of the mechanism, but it was almost the main way it manifested in my SO. She even acknowledged it, and would say that she preferred to avoid discussions that had possible emotional content.

FYI, she did reach out to me, and I saw her today for the first time in a long time. It wasn't perfect but it was pleasant enough. So I believe the possibility exists to be able to make things work.

Anyway, best of luck to you!

[Oncebitten]

The fear of engulfment will cause this behavior.  Its part of the push/pull cycle.  The closer you are to them, the more important you are, the more likely you are to be the one they run from.