Weekend started off really rough.
Got a text from my wife on Saturday afternoon saying - I'm out shopping for Christmas and I just can't do this... .everyone is happy shopping, and I don't even want to do anything. I'm just miserable with you at home. Please just leave the house - find an apartment. Can't go on feeling like we are faking this happy family, etc.
I replied basically:
I hear that you are really sad... .being out shopping and seeing happy people must be extremely painful when thinking about all the dysfunction between us. I'm sorry.
Right now I'm having 1:1 time with (S10), but let's talk about it when you get back.
(no reply from her)
She came home an hour later and brought some xmas lights to the living room for unwrap and asked if we wanted to help string them up.

Later that night, she opened up to me about at lot of the pain she is feeling. I started off making some mistakes - making excuses - disagreeing... . then sensed she was shutting down... .mentally stepped back, and reoriented towards listening and validating... . made a huge difference. Got a text from her first thing this morning saying thank you for listening and validating me last night.
>>>>>>
We had another long talk this evening about specific things we can both work on to improve the relationship.
Conversation was going very smooth for an hour or so. Again, working on listening, validating, etc.
Then we started talking about Christmas vacation and I shared that I was wanting to take a road trip.
She started saying - well, you should have budgeted for this, and talked with me about this a month ago.
I said - yes, I did bring it up about 3 or so weeks back, remember, and you shut it down saying we don't have any money.
She said - yes, we don't.
I said - I actually very specifically outlined that I had some money from an extra job coming in, that would allow us to do the trip. Remember the email that you replied to saying "thank you for working through the budget and sharing this?"
She said - "Well, I didn't read through all of the details... . this conversation is starting to get me upset"
I said "Well, if you want to get upset, that is your choice, but I'm just sharing that you asked me to do something, and I did it." (and kind of smiled when i said it - not a jerky smile, but just a subtle smile of calm confidence.)
>>>
She actually kind of jerked her head back in a bit of surprise and then smiled and said " OK, good job on standing up to me and calling me out." (WOW! JUST WOW!)That convo could have really quickly turned south, and I probably wouldn't have pushed on correcting her had she not been in a good mood... . but that good mood came because of the listening and validating techniques I have been learning here. Thanks to the board, and the members here! Big step forward today.