Not getting better

[LonelyChild]

So I left by uBPDxgf somewhere around a year ago for good (probably somewhere around 2 years ago, it's hard to tell as most of you know).

I don't miss her; her life is still a mess and I hope she gets better.

My problem is that I'm not getting better. I wake up with anxiety (which does not feel related to her at all) and thoughts and feelings of doubting whether reality is real, making me think I'm going crazy. Since our r/s, nothing means anything anymore. I'm not afraid of dying, losing my home, losing friends or anything else. Reality has turned into a grey soup of nothingness - which is probably what the universe is; just a glob of matter without any meaning beyond what we ascribe to it.

What do I do? Days pass by; years pass by. Soon we are all gone and our troubles become what they actually were from the beginning - nothing.

I would like to value my home. I own a very beautiful home, or so people tell me. To me, it still means nothing. I could even consider giving it away and moving out into the street. I realize how it would be very unpractical, but the thought of doing it doesn't faze me.

Everything feels very transient and temporary, as if the end is just ahead in every aspect of life. This is not a panicky feeling though, it's rather become an acceptance for how it really is. I don't think one is supposed to experience this emotion during every waking moment, however.

Even so, I'm highly educated, studying, have a job, good friends, am considered an extremely caring person and such. But to me, I'm not even alive and I don't even know whether I actually exist or whether I am just a figment of my own imagination.

Do take me literal here, but also understand that I act pretty normal most of the time and keep in mind that I lead a pretty regular life throughout the day. The problem is not how my life appears, but how my life feels to me - unreal, grey, unimportant, like an endless soup of nothing. I also spend way too much time thinking about what reality is.

I wake up at 5 am every day. Today, I woke up from a peculiar dream about an old man standing in my apartment, making music somehow. He died in front of me, and I sat down in my couch next to some woman. I asked her: ":)o you think he's been reborn yet?" to which she replied "No, not already." Waking up from this, I felt absolutely dissolved, as if reality has been broken, or maybe as if I'm breaking out of reality.

I'm sorry for all the scary thoughts. These thoughts are a burden and I don't really have anyone to talk to them about, except my psychologist whom I feel rather focuses on the more "normal" stuff as if, perhaps, he's a bit afraid to talk about my complex thoughts and feelings.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi LC-

I understand.  And I could say I'm sorry you're in that place, but I'm not really, because I've been there and I know it passes, and what's on the other side is certainly worth living for.

I say you're stuck in that limbo land, that grey zone, between your past and your future: you sound like you've detached from your ex and grieved the loss, and good for you, and then, once all those emotions have been played out and processed and we've let go of the past, we haven't also created a compelling future, so we kind of float in the present, an endless sea of now.

So the answer: create a vision for a compelling future, the life of your dreams, although not necessarily the dream you just had, the metaphorical awesome one, and then take one step towards it.  And then another.  And after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and before we know it we're living that life, and it's not about the destination it's about the journey.

And if you're where I was you don't want to hear that right now, and/or it's meaningless, and my only comment is do it anyway, go on faith for now, and tangible evidence will follow.

I'm sorry for all the scary thoughts. These thoughts are a burden and I don't really have anyone to talk to them about, except my psychologist whom I feel rather focuses on the more "normal" stuff as if, perhaps, he's a bit afraid to talk about my complex thoughts and feelings.

And there may be significant things in your way, usually disempowering beliefs, or the strongest kind of belief, identities, beliefs about who we are.  A relationship with a borderline can do a number on us, not because of them but because of what we make things mean when we're with them, and you may not be able to get out of that on your own.  So if this psychologist won't or can't go where you need to go, time for another?  You're right, days pass, years pass, ones we don't get back, so best to make it over and through things in our way as fast as possible yes? 

Take care of you!

[apollotech]

LC,

My thoughts are that a BPD relarionship overstimulates us to such a degree that yes, normal life does seem pretty bland after we are out of the BPD relationship. We had the high for so long that it's hard to now live with/accept the normal. You'll see this in vets that return home after tours. Yes, the combat was literally life-threatening, but, because of that dynamic, those were the moments that made them feel the most alive. The chaos of a BPD relationship requires of us the same thing----we have to live in the moment. It is on point, in your face, fast paced, immediate.

I think that eventually you will again find comfort, joy, peace, meaning, beauty, etc. within normal life. It just takes time to adjust. I have always liked what Henry David Thoreau said about living, to live deliberately, not in resignation:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms... .”

Notice that he never mentions a life out of control, he never speaks of chaos, etc. His quest is to reduce life and himself to the barest of essentials, the mundane. Living contentedly there, he could learn what life had to teach.

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey Lonely Child.

As a fellow "lonely child" i can recognize these feelings. I have named that feeling now, it is "the void" that i live in.

And if i look around, i see i have a lot of things to be grateful for... .but that feeling is not always there.

If i look in the past, i may always had that feeling - that void - lingering deep inside of me, but I was always able to create ever more intense distractions and stimuli for myself. A highly creative but stressfull job, relationships or other passions I could almost loose myself in.

With my BPD relationship probably being the ultimate high on that path of numbing out that void. It was intense, felt so real, something that made me feel totally alive, something that also totally challenged me and I lived in the illusion that it would last forever.

And now, many months out of the r/s after all the stress and excruciating emotions that come up are waning down... .i face the void.

I no longer have neither the energy to create new distractions, nor do i believe that it makes sense to create them, cause i now know what i was running from.

I have no appetite to jump into new relationships, I no longer have the urge to create the next new big plan that i can be excited about, I no longer force myself to make me happy.

And at times i also have that feeling that i am not getting better. But I simply don't want to run off from myself anymore, and probably accepting that void is the key to accepting myself.

That this void is actually my "lonely child" as it has been feeling all my life, and by sitting through the void, i notice it starts to open up inside.

It starts to tell me things i never allowed myself to see, and in that it seems i become slowly alive again - internally.

Do you recognize any of this?

[LonelyChild]

Thank you all for your responses.

... .

I recognize some of it - I suspect this feeling of emptiness; the void as you call it, has always been inside me as well. Thinking back, I probably had traits of depersonalization and derealization long before my BPD r/s. However, I seemed to be able to enjoy things in the moment. That ability basically does not exist whatsoever anymore.

As you; I turned my life into utter stress to keep myself from facing the void, working and stuying and going to the gym 16-17 hours every single day of the week. This lasted for a bit less than a year. I still study a lot, because I can't enjoy anything. My rationale is that, since watching a movie, reading a book on physics or playing a game - or anything else for that matter - feels the same, I might as well pick the one thing that might be slightly productive (in some sense of the word), i.e. studying.

Nothing triggers an emotion anymore, I do not get angry, scared, happy or anything else. Well, not more than to an absolute microscopic extent, anyhow. It's like trying to get high off of milk after having tried heorin. I do try to emulate these emotions among others, but I think it somehow comes across as a bit synthetic.

I do not feel myself becoming more alive. On the contrary, it seems that I drift farther and farther out into space, or perhaps deeper and deeper into my own, internal black hole, inverted space of nothingness. I wake up every single day with feelings of derealization, thoughts of some kind of 'unexistence' for lack of a better term. I don't know what is real, but I somehow do. I feel like a deep rift in space going deep into the very fabric of existence, as if my consciousness is retreating from my body into wherever it came from. It's a very disorienting feeling to go through, and it seems to become stronger over time, not weaker.

The most troublesome feeling is the chronic feeling of transience. Every single moment, I feel that everything is temporary. And as I said in my first post; it is. It's a fact - none of us or our problems will exist in a few years. But this is not how you're supposed to feel. Or at least I don't think so. I can relate this feeling to a fear of attachment, but I have no idea how to get around it. I have no ties to *anything* anymore. Not mysef, not my home, not my furniture or any objects in my home, not friends, not my history, not my family of origin, not my future, no dreams of a future life, no interests - nothing. I am basically dissolved to the point of not even existing, and this is exactly the emotion that I'm going through - not knowing whether I exist or not.

I mean, I do realize that my body exists (though sometimes I even doubt this, but it's in a more philosophical sense). But I'm not sure whether *I* exist. I suspect that there's some kind of experience (for a lack a of a better word) going on. Someone is typing this, someone is experiencing it. But I don't know what "someone" is in this case. It might be me, it might not be, I might not even have consciousness, etc.

Well, I won't go into it further - it's not fruitful for the conversation. But you can see the mess of thoughts and feelings I'm going through. Again, don't get me wrong - I manage my everyday life. It just feels SO. UTTERLY. POINTLESS.

[Hisaccount]

Talk about living life is pointless. I get that. I am in despair myself right now.

I forced myself out onto a dating site. Talked to a few people, had a few dinners, then I met one.
I like to say she restored my faith in humanity, she described to me a life that is different than mine that I wanted more of.
She gave me hope again.
I will never see her again, we are not a good match, but she is a friend and she showed me that instead of me just maintaining my life I need to live it. i need to break out of the mold and try something new.

I hope you do that, reach out, let someone pull you up.

[apollotech]

His account:
... .instead of me just maintaining my life I need to live it. i need to break out of the mold and try something new.

Yep, this ^^^ is exactly what Mr. Thoreau was coaching----live your life "deliberately"; don't wait for life to come to you; instead, be proactive, and go and get it.

LC,

You seem to me to be in a holding pattern, waiting for something to change to break you out of your "unexistent" slumber. You're disengaged from the world; as a result, no change can occur. You're going to have to re-engage my friend. You will have to be proactive in those measures, regardless of whether or not you think they're "pointless." No wonder you're not having any emotions at all, you're not engaged with anything that would prompt them.

[LonelyChild]

... .

Problem is, I don't know how. I don't enjoy the company of others much, and I work, go to the gym and study like a madman. What should I do to be proactive? "You have to decide to start feeling" is like telling a deaf man that he has to start listening to make progress.

To my knowledge, it would seem reasonable that some kind of passion would develop through interaction, be it with hobbies, problem solving, painting, listening to music or hanging out with other people.

EDIT: Actually, thinking about it, the reason I don't enjoy company much is because I think about ten times as fast as the average person. I become understimulated. Things do not move quickly enough. Which obviously ties into the fact that my BPD offered me hyperstimulation through chaos and drama, which, I guess, satiated my needs in some weird way.

[Julia S]

Hi LC,

I'm so sorry for you being in that awful place.

Firstly, I do wonder whether you're suffering from clinical depression, and if so whether a course of meds might help. It isn't necessarily about feeling sad, it's about not having motivation, feeling like your actions make no difference, having low self worth. So please see a dr if you haven't already.

OK, here are a few thoughts other than that:

To start with, you could learn about something new. Take a look at futuelearn, they run free online courses, put together by universities. There are a wide variety of things.

Next, do you do anything creative? Writing, music, fine art - these are all good things.

Following on from the previous point, I note the suggestion you have to make things happen. I read that as when you eg write a story, rather than wait for inspiration, you have to go and look for it. Eventually you might get in the habit of looking at people and places more carefully, looking for ideas you can use. So try some different things in your healing. Go searching for new interests. But still remember that lack of interest may be caused by depression.

Google sense of self. You have almost certainly lost sight of some of your sense of self due to this relationship, both from the BPD ex, who will maybe have projected this problem in themselves onto you, and by altering your behaviour in an attempt to help them. But if you look it up online, you will find suggestions for how to strengthen it.

Make a note of little things that make you happy, however briefly. It might be the scent of a flower, or someone smiling at you. Also make a point of expressing gratitude for good things, either directly to people who are kind, or by writing things down for yourself.

Treat yourself to some DVDs or look for something that appeals to you online. I find detective/mystery/paranormal are the most compelling - but anything that holds your interest.

Don't assume the emptiness is something lacking in yourself that has always been there. We know that with BPD there are all sorts of transference and projection that psychotherapists find difficult to cope with. I suspect no-one fully understands it, or the capacity it or the pwBPD have to set up lasting effects even in a short time of interacting with them. I sometimes feel like I have caught BPD off a friend, as though it is an infectious disease, or that they are projecting their moods into my mind across the miles. If you feel this then tell them - in your mind - to get out of your head. Declare to yourself that the feelings are not yours, and disown them.

[Conundrum]

Hullo Lonely Child. I'm sorry that you have been suffering for a while.

I recollect your descriptions concerning your former relationship.       

The most troublesome feeling is the chronic feeling of transience. Every single moment, I feel that everything is temporary.

Implicit in that statement is an expression of hierarchal value: Transitory temporal < the illusion of permanence. Yet, in a closed system entropy always increases over time--absent perfect harmony. Consequently, even if we defied natural law by approaching a state of permanence in an isolated system, it would trend towards disorder. Therefore, establishing "substantive meaning" is not  dependent upon whether an object is perceived as transitory or permanent.

However, the vibe I get from what you are describing is less abstract--it appears that the "utter futility" of it all has you drifting in a desensitized state that does not allow you to feel content and peaceful. Though, I'd posit that those feeling/thoughts to a certain extent may originate from inherent cosmic ambiguity--more than likely that "(feeling-less/numb) state is born from your previous relationship with a pwBPD.

I think it is impossible to talk about the type of quandary you're experiencing without exploring the concept of vulnerability and how it may leave a mysterious (sometimes debilitating) indelible mark when employed.

This contemporary society generally shuns vulnerability. It is often misinterpreted as a sign of weakness or naiveté. As men we are often taught from the youngest ages to be stoic, invulnerable and strong. However, regardless of gender--the road to romantic intimacy always requires a willingness to become vulnerable which (usually) is concomitant with deeply trusting another.

And to approach the near divine by experiencing that exquisite feeling-in which one can finally be their self, without obscuration. To bare one's core and allow another into their inner sanctum--takes an immense amount of trust and vulnerability. That is why it is an extremely precious gift to bestow on another.

Yet, we may find ourselves bestowing that gift upon those who present themselves in the most intimate of lights--however, they remain dream weavers. Able to cast illusions which resonate within the deepest regions of our inner sanctums--while the pwBPD  remains fractured--repeatedly attempting to graft a foreigner's shadow upon their skin.

When vulnerability becomes weaponized (through abuse, malfeasance or omission) by the one whom we trusted above all others--our closest held precepts concerning, love, respect, trust, intimacy and romantic aspirations, conflate upon a disordered pyre. And when those ashes finally cool, one may be left down on their knees sorting through indistinct particles--wondering where do I fit in--what is the point? "If I perceived this (relationship, love, intimacy), as real, and it felt real, and I opened myself up more than I ever had before, and I felt closer with her/him than with anyone else--only to find that what I felt and perceived was subject to a disordered construct. The resultant emptiness, void, disconnect may feel unreal--because it is conjoined to hopelessness.  All in all--I do not see the reaction that you have described as being necessarily "off" or pathological--but more so a defense mechanism which insulates pain.

How does one turn that "endless soup of nothing" into a palatable serving. There is no universal recipe for delight. Still one must feel hunger first. Even the slightest pang is a sign. The collateral reasons for living a meaningful life--lie beyond the scope of any exquisite romantic attachment and are self-determinate. Lonely, you are not questioning in a vacuum. William Blake wrote, "If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro' narrow chinks of his cavern.” Take your intellectual gifts, your studies, your knowledge--and add value to this world. The world that you would want for yourself. A ripple effect.     

[Herodias]

Gosh Lonely Child, you sound really depressed. I laughed when you said you are not sure when your relationship actually ended, because wow, I can relate! I keep saying 2 years, maybe a year and a half... .I am not sure. I am trying to get around people because they say that is the key to end depression. I know what you mean by feeling things are temporary. I just keep telling myself that since we were with people that can't truly commit, that was the big issue. I think if we find other people that are open, honest and really want to be part of our lives... .that will make a difference. Sometimes I think people today don't take relationships as serious as they used to. They don't even value friendships. It's really sad. I keep hearing the purpose of life is to find God... .I am not doing so great at that either, but better. I think we must just live in the now and try and enjoy life the best we can... .find ways of helping people as a whole and not individuals that use us. I think I haven't found my calling yet, but I know I have helped people along my journey.  It is too hard to find a purpose and end the numb feeling... .just maybe not try so hard to figure everything out or you will make yourself crazy. I know that is what I have been doing. I just want to feel normal again. I think I am a better person from the whole experience though... .Be patient with yourself.  I am told to find a new thing to learn too... .a hobby or class. Trying something new is good.

[apollotech]

LC,

The quickest way that I am aware of to reconnect with the world, and as other posters have already suggested, is through helping others. I am not talking about with money; I am talking about helping others with your time and skills, whatever they may be. It is a very humbling and rewarding experience.

I myself do volunteer work through my church, home maintenance/repair. Most of the people that I help are usually elderly and on fixed incomes. They are very in need and very appreciative of any help given. And because it is not a material charity, but rather a personal charity of one's time and efforts, profits for both parties are very satisfying and realized immediately.

Another thing that I do is tutor a few students from the local colleges. That too is very rewarding and also humbling (at times I become the student).

Both of the measures that I have suggested above require you to act, to become proactive. Make a commitment to do something for someone else and then follow through on it, regardless of how you may personally feel about it.

[valet]

I hear you LC.

Some days I find myself in that no man's land, wondering what I want from my life. Mainly, I am worried about a career path. Nothing is sticking out, and that can cause anxiety and depression at times.

I think it's important to go through this. You can't just drift through it, but you can try to manage these emotions when you feel strong and have compassion for yourself when you don't. And remember, a year is not that long of a period of time!

Often is the case that these relationships dig up deep issues that we haven't faced in ourselves yet. Our pwBPD just whacked us so hard that we have a chance to stop and regather ourselves from a different perspective. This is all about baby steps. Plan on doing one thing, even if it's simple and stupid, in the next couple weeks. Put yourself in a position to build confidence. Often times, we're capable of a lot more than we think.

[troisette]

Hello Lonely Child and welcome.

Your posts resonate with my experience too. A BPD relationship and subsequent break up can take us to a strange and foreign land, unsettling and disturbing.

As others have said, these feelings do pass although they may feel interminable at the time. Heeltoheal and Apollotech's posts are especially insightful - thank you both.

On a practical level, I endorse the comments about maybe doing some voluntary work. I did this; I stayed within my familiar field in the arts (didn't want too big a challenge) and found it helpful in regaining my sense of who I am. If, perhaps, you don't have a good "fit" with your current therapist, maybe consider another who has extensive experience of BPD and the sense of dislocation that it can create in a relationship.

As htoh says - it certainly passes and what's on the other side is worth living for.

[jo19854]

Hi all,

I recently posted myself about the fact that i just cant get over it. What i feel is so well described by all of you. Reading these posts make me feel less "abnormal".  I guess love is something very hard to define in words, and we are a victim of the ability to give. I do thank you all, it gives support and hope.

Jo

[LonelyChild]

... .

Still one must feel hunger first. Even the slightest pang is a sign. The collateral reasons for living a meaningful life--lie beyond the scope of any exquisite romantic attachment and are self-determinate.

... .

I like your post; it's thoughtful. I'm not sure what to make of it though. I agree with you in some way. I do feel hunger in some sense - I'm super active all the time, looking to move into the future swiftly. Problem is, I have no idea what direction I want to or am moving in.

Another thought is raised by the quote above; you're absolutely right that the meaning of life must be found within oneself (unless I misinterpret you---after all, English isn't my native language), but, going further in that direction makes me feel even more dissolved: In the end, there is no right or wrong. There's nothing that says a life with synthetic, drug-induced happiness, be it legal, prescribed drugs or illegal drugs like mushrooms or LSD, is more or less synthetic that a life where one is high on a crush or an intensely passionate attachment to another person.

So what to make of it? Perhaps love was my drug. As any drug, it's destructive. Or rather the addiction is. I guess I am addicted to studying right now, and then working out, and then going to the gym. What could I ever do that isn't destructive in the end? I don't know. Do you see my point here? These weird ways of reasoning prevent me from moving in a healthy direction, or perhaps any direction at all. Sometimes, thinking about this, it seems the only healthy life is the boring, endless day-to-day cycle that many people lead. Or rather follow, to be more accurate.

Thank you all for your replies. Some of you mention volunteering. I already do this. It helps sometimes, in the moment. But I usually detach (in the sense that when I get home from it, or whatever activity - work, school, gym, etc - I break my attachment to my surroundings in the same way that a child's bond to his or her mother is broken, not in the sense of derealization or anything) the moment I get home. To me, this is the same issue that pwBPD have that we know so well: Out of sight, out of mind. Which, in turn, makes me think that perhaps there we are all as BPD as our exs. I mean, we never see a pwBPD on here, do we? Isn't it curious?

I'm sorry for my slightly disorganized thoughts; it's 5:40 am here, I went to bed 4-5 hours ago, and I'm trying to keep my posts not all too long. Hope you are all doing well.

[patientandclear]

LC--I understand and feel similarly. Conundrum, I think your explanation is exactly right. It's as though the rejection/abuse/misuse of our vulnerable offers of self to another somehow undoes the mechanism inside us that generates meaning. At least it largely has for me.

I also agree with Conundrum's point about how sometimes a meaningful life arises (at least initially) without being directly related to feelings of satisfaction, joy, pleasure of happiness. LC, did that resonate for you at all? I have a child, and I run a small office where a few other people have taken a leap of faith to work with/for me. Since I've been functioning at such a low fraction of my former confidence and certainty and competency since the demise of my BPD r/ship, I've not done all I should have or would have otherwise for those people and in those roles. I have a hard time feeling that I care about them, if that makes sense. I know I do but I don't feel it. LC, this is where I really relate to you and the grey soup image. It is an extraordinary development in my life as, before that r/ship, I was the happiest person I knew, and had a metaphysical clarity about the nature of my caring and feeling for what I had chosen to love and commit to in this life. Now all that certainty that I feel love for or care about any of it is gone, except that I know in my head that I should. My kid is good, has suffered and needs me. I can see that she is at some risk of developing a BPD-like attachment disorder and I am standing in a position where maybe the choices I make with her and the practices I engage in can make a difference. My work makes a difference to many when I really show up for it.

So I am trying to show up even though I don't feel anything. I think Conundrum is right that the lack of feeling and conviction is the result of a deep injury. It may not be "true" forever, and I don't want to ruin everything in the event that is true and I find out later I still do care. My sense is you are doing the same, LC--not allowing everything to fall apart, while presently feeling there is pretty much no point. If that latter feeling turns out to be the residue of trauma and there is healing, you'll be glad you didn't do damage to the building blocks of meaning. In this way, I think we are distinct from the people with BPD who responded to our vulnerability (thank you Conundrum for explaining this) in ways that did so much damage.

[LonelyChild]

It's as though the rejection/abuse/misuse of our vulnerable offers of self to another somehow undoes the mechanism inside us that generates meaning.

I agree with what you write here. Question is, for how long? Are we ruined for the rest of our lives? I don't want to hear "I hope not" or "we have to be hopeful" or whatever, I want to know. :-(

Yes, it resonates with me - I already figured out that satisfaction is not very correlated to actual happiness. I'm satisfied with my life on a cognitive level. I have everything I need, and plenty of it. But it feels absolutely worthless. This was not the case before my BPD r/s. I don't know how to change it.

[Julia S]

LC, please keep reminding yourself that all these BPD symptoms have been projected onto you. And also that you have had to live according to them all the time you were in the relationship. It doesn't take long for thoughts and behaviour to become a habit - 6 weeks is the time commonly suggested.

I do wonder if the fact people take so long to get over it means we're treating the wrong thing. I strongly suspect the abuse - even if subtle and psychological - produces something akin to PTSD, and that is why it lingers so long.

You may have come to notice those empty spaces, and to be aware of them, and in some sense to fear them. Whereas we perhaps need that emptiness sometimes, as a place of healing. People strive to reach such space through meditation. If you are not already practising mindfulness then do so. There's a free course coming up on futurelearn.

Not everyone has a mission or strong driving force in life, some are simply content. You may have been like this previously, and been happy with it, but now see it as a problem. And it may be that you come to accept it rather than try to fill it. Maybe you can view it as a phase.

[patientandclear]

I agree with what you write here. Question is, for how long? Are we ruined for the rest of our lives? I don't want to hear "I hope not" or "we have to be hopeful" or whatever, I want to know. :-(

Yes, it resonates with me - I already figured out that satisfaction is not very correlated to actual happiness. I'm satisfied with my life on a cognitive level. I have everything I need, and plenty of it. But it feels absolutely worthless. This was not the case before my BPD r/s. I don't know how to change it.

Me too. On both counts. For the small amount of comfort that may provide ... .