Growing urge to confront uBPDx

[Keef]

Hello all you nice people out there.
I broke NC the other day, managed about two weeks... I wrote to her to get closure on my part (short farewell e-mail. More or less said that it's been a rough time the latest six months for us both, and that I hope she's now taking care of herself, that I'm trying to do the same). I'm not hoping to get a validating and consenting reply, not really expecting a reply at all.

But today I feel I didn't exactly do myself a favour by writing. It doesn't feel better, instead I sense anger and hurt. I'm like you bound to feel hurt, that's ok, but I'm a little worried since I have the urge to confront her in person! NOTHING good would come from that, I know that! I just want to get rid of that urge, It's so heavy on me :-( How should I think to get past this "stage"?

[Keef]

She was the one who left, through discarding me. No real conflict prior to that.

[Julia S]

2 things:

What would you want to say/do if you see her in person? You say confront so that implies demanding answers or maybe even losing your rag and shouting at her. Would it be satisfying (in theory) because in person you'd see her response?

Although you say you didn't expect a reply - because being familiar with her behaviour you know realistically it's unlikely - that doesn't mean you wouldn't subconsciously hope for one. I think this is a lot of the problem with not being able to get closure from pwBPD. In a normal interaction, after a relationship, the other person would at least write a couple of lines hoping you are well etc. Instead, the silence is not what we expect on an emotional level, it feels manipulative or deliberately hurtful.

Although it's horrible, try to see her lack of response, and your feeling of needing closure, as proof that you are psychologically healthy and she is not. And that whatever feelings either of you may have, she is not capable of having a relationship.  

[Keef]

Thank you Julia S,

I'm more or less back to earth after reading your comment and rethinking things, trying to keep calm etc. I've had a panicky feeling to and fro during the day, lots of noradrenaline running around in the system I guess (very unpleasant). I really don't know what I'd want to tell her if we met 
She's probably 'somewhere else' already and my words would just fall like soft clay to the ground.

I agree. A subconscious wish for a reply is inevitable. I will just have to stick with the short message I sent her the other day. I don't intend nor wish to lose my rag in front of her, even though I went to bed last night with a thunder cloud above my head.

I feel sorry for her and that's the best I can do apart from sooner or later letting go. She's not fit for a relationship and neither am I after these 12 months. I am going to take a proper look at myself with the help of my T. It did after all take two to engage in this tango... .

Cheers 
Keef

[KarmasReal]

You say the latest 6 months weren't good? Have you been through this before? Recycled? Make ups break ups? If so did it always follow a similar pattern?

[Keef]

KarmasReal, thanks for writing.

The last six months were terribly rough. She assaulted me in July. My mother was treated for cancer during the summer (she's good now though, my oh my... it's been heavy). The future was very unstable overall concerning my job and my uBPDx's occupation. Too much, just too much.

Strange, thinking of it, the best time for a long time was the weeks leading up to her discarding me! But her breaking up after that is probably only logical in all this illogical business. I suspect things got too comfy and safe. Not 'exciting' enough.

Yes we've engaged in this dance quite a few times. She broke up with me around four times in one year! That's every third month! She really enjoyed throwing me out, I tell you. All for petty things. So yes, there's been some recycling.

As for a pattern I'm not quite sure. She used to throw me out when she was upset with me. This the last time because I wouldn't apologize for something I never even did. It's possible she had her mind set on some other guy. Sex was important to her (she used to say I was crazy about sex... projection alert), but due to the r/s stress I suffered from some impotence once in a while, and I guess she couldn't handle that. Ugh I feel bored and really annoyed thinking of this, such immature behaviour :-(

[lovenature]

Think of how you felt after breaking NC before, it only gets worse the more you do it.
Try listing all the bad vs. good for YOU by confronting her.
You know you can't expect to gain anything by confronting a disordered person who makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, all it does is cause more pain for both of you.

Think of how peaceful it is away from the chaos and drama; good reason towards remaining NC, wouldn't you agree?

[Keef]

@lovenature:
Thank you, those are three really important things to keep in mind. I guess I'm not yet thinking sufficiently of >me< ... .

I wouldn't want to take part in that drama again for all the world. And since the reason for leaving me was so petty - why should I give her any attention? We all know where that attention ends up anyway. Breaking NC is just letting in further hurt. Disappointments, anger, guilt. It won't do anyone any good. Thank you for reminding me.

[lovenature]

Your welcome.
Keep going forward, you're doing well.