Seven Year Relationship Ended and Want to Reunite

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I was in a seven year relationship with a wonderful, talented lady. I recognize the stages as I have been reading the awesome material on this site. We have kept in touch, visiting each other on each coast. I live in LA she lives in NC. I am going back to visit/stay with her as well as my granddaughters, for the holidays.

In just a few months, she has gone from telling me she loves me, wants to be intimate, to very bland and disinterested texts and conversations on the phone. When I say something kind about her or her family, silence. When I say I can't wait to see her, her reply is Me to you... .she has told me that she wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and is making arrangements to move out here to be with me, but, she is treating me like an acquaintance more than a person she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

So confused! How should I approach her when I go back to NC? Should I be the overly loving, affectionate person I enjoy being, or should I act unaffected and distance myself as much as possible? I would welcome any suggestions on how to proceed. Thanks!

[Lunaloca]

Hi, I was in a seven year relationship with a wonderful, talented lady. I recognize the stages as I have been reading the awesome material on this site. We have kept in touch, visiting each other on each coast. I live in LA she lives in NC. I am going back to visit/stay with her as well as my granddaughters, for the holidays.

In just a few months, she has gone from telling me she loves me, wants to be intimate, to very bland and disinterested texts and conversations on the phone. When I say something kind about her or her family, silence. When I say I can't wait to see her, her reply is Me to you... .she has told me that she wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and is making arrangements to move out here to be with me, but, she is treating me like an acquaintance more than a person she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

So confused! How should I approach her when I go back to NC? Should I be the overly loving, affectionate person I enjoy being, or should I act unaffected and distance myself as much as possible? I would welcome any suggestions on how to proceed. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stayingsteady]

Lunaloca,

It's definitely great that you found someone you can feel so deeply about.  She does sound like an amazing person.

It seems she may be developing a fear of engulfment.  When any fear develops an individual will do all they can to "feel" safe again.  In this case she seems to be distancing herself from you to achieve this.

I've found that when this occurs it has been best to allow the other person to take the lead on the development of the relationship.  By allowing them to lead they can feel more in control which decreases the fear, thereby allowing a true relationship to develop.

I hope this helps,

- Staying Steady

[Lunaloca]

It seems that you have a wonderful understanding of this situation! I know in my heart that you are right about stepping back and allowing her to set the tone. Thank you for the confirmation!