need guidance first thread

[panhead67]

Hi
I came from a fam with a mother with u BPD.(and jus learned about what that is)
After a history of intense relationships, I decided to have no relationship for seven years, I am in my forties.
Fast forward to now, at this time, I am trying to be friends with my boyfriend whom I work with daily. We have been together jus under a year. He has been in a depression and emotionally withdrawn for bout 2 and a half months. He is also suicidal, has been hospitalized once in August.
Have tried to lower my expectations, but it is so hard when the person I loved "disappeared." I see glimpses of him, and then I become hopeful. It seems he senses when I am truly letting go, and he gives me jus enough to keep me hanging on. He'll tell me that he loves me, and If we start to become close again, he becomes withdrawn. I feel like a yo-yo. But I don't know if what we shared is gone for good, or if it can be different, or what will be.

I  have an abandonment issue that keeps surfacing, through all this. Sometimes I want to have the strength to leave this situation, but I don't know if I am able. The person I fell in love with is kind and makes me laugh like nobody else.I miss him so much. I have never been that close to anyone.Now, at times he is cynical, abrupt, non caring, and confused.
I am always a positive energy at my job, no matter how things are going. Today was a good day, he was actually nice to me and initiated conversation, but tomorrow may be different. I don't know the tools to protect my heart, if I can even do that. He does not want to spend anytime with me outside of work. Intimacy is something he cringes over now, when it was an important part of our relationship.
I have tried to accept we are just friends at the moment, but if we have good interactions, where we laugh,  I am reminded jus how much i love him, I feel powerless, and a lil' sad over the reality of the situation.
any advice would be much appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dutched]

Welcome to bpdfamily.

It is a lot you are going through.

I read that your mother shows traits BPD, so the push – pull your friend shows is (sorry for that) familiar territory for you.

Maybe because of your fam (mother) you were used to that intense behaviour and found it ‘normal’ in your previous intense relationships.
Maybe you, unconsciously, therefore decided for a long time to have no r/s.
As if you shouted ‘no more!’

I suggest to ask yourself some questions again. As
Why my abandonment issues?
would I like that push – pull again?
is it healthy for me
how do I feel with every push -pull
what is it doing to me, do I walk on eggshells
not wanting to see me outside work, how to maintain or let the relationship evolve to a next level
do I want, and above all, am I capable to deal with it and be the strong one.
do I ‘just’ want to have a friend or am I looking for more
what are my expectations for a r/s after earlier experiences

You are posting on the ‘improving board’ so it seems that you want to improve your r/s. 
Start reading the lessons on the right side of the page =======>>>
Please learn an ask yourself difficult questions and please look at your own fears too

[panhead67]

hey, thanks for the reply, happy holidays to all,
With the push/pull this time I feel like I am in limbo. I feel like he no longer cares for me, as if a switch was turned off. I feel lowered self esteem, and loss. This is the second time in our relationship this has happened, last time he came around. But after 3 months now, it seems like he is fine w/an acquaintance type friendship and avoidance. We tried being intimate a month ago, and I think he had a panic attack, he wouldn't discuss it, I didn't press the issue.
I am trying to do some self care, and continue being positive, despite the pain and hurt. Its plain for me to see I have an addiction to him, it is no longer healthy. but how to leave, even though he is already gone... .
I think the abandonment issue came from my mom having a nervous breakdown when i was born. Not being able to be a nurturing parent because of mental illness, and the rages.
 I had no initial attraction to my boyfriend, so i thought it might be okay. We are both empaths and share a very strong bond, its very hard for me now, not so much for him-it seems. He has a codependent attachment with a friend who is BPD/addict. I wanted to end the relationship with him because of the insanity surrounding that relationship, and how it started to affect ours.
I want to keep open to spending time with others, dating, but am hesitant. I feel like i'm going to keep doing this dance.Trying to understand feelings and patterns, learning tools feels mentally exhausting,  taking baby steps.