The woman I love. Sabotaging.

[Dusi2591]

Hi, the woman of my life has borderline personality disorder. I'm learning as we've progressed the relationship
that ways I handle her outbreaks are sometimes not ideal. Such as letting my frustration get the better of the situation.
Our relationship has been fairly steady though besides the usual partner spat and disagreement. Which now after much reading she may see way differently then I have.

Currently and the reason I'm posting here is she recently (last Thursday, Dec 7th) went to an appointment where she had to share past trauma and after started to drink after with a friend (Deadly mix) I contacted her after her appointment asking how it went she responded "horrible I had to explain to a medical intern my rape and why i didn't report it" I then asked if she was okay. she wasn't but responded with I'm fine. I called her to say good night it was late at that point everything went down hill from there. She told me "we needed to Talk but lets do it tomorrow".  "No I can't sleep with this on my mind. are we breaking up?" I responded. "Yes Sorta" she said. and from then on my actions were all but frustration and confusion. I rushed to her house and got upset over it said things I shouldn't have. I should have just accepted talking Friday. I doubt I'd be in this situation now. 
 its been downhill since, Shes full blown not herself. and I was late on picking up on this fact, we had a good talk Sunday Dec 11th and I explained to her that I had been distant on somethings because I was worried about putting my stress on her and her not being able to handle the burden. She considered me a brick wall. Sunday I could see traces of her but also traces of her being lost. she held my hand she kissed me, we smiled at each other laughed and talked. then at moments i'd see her being distant. she then asked for space and told me to call her Friday which I said okay too. I let her know I'm here for her and I love her.  During a moment of weakness thought Neighbor insulting her. I collapsed and called her she didn't respond so I asked why shes so mad at me in text she responded with "I don't know because you've lied to me our whole relationship. I had never lied about anything but that's now what she sees. I still decided to call her Friday and clear some of the air. to which I saw fully just how unhinged she was. I was now a monster not the person she loved, she just wants to forget me and move on and I was never honest with her or loyal and I disrespected her and our love and broke her heart none of which is true. I cant get to her I know nothing I say works. I told her if she truly believes this way to call me and end it hear my voice and my pain as my heart breaks and I tell you I can't be there for you anymore but I know the girl who loves me is still in there and won't be able to do that. She didn't call.

I had no choice left, I went to her house when she wasn't home and spoke to her mother. where she confirmed my thoughts that this was indeed her borderline and not her true emotions. She also asked If She had given me the poem she wrote last night. I told her she hadn't I assume this poem is important and has her truer thoughts in it that's why I haven't received it. Her mom also said this is what her borderline does demonize's people and sabotage's and to give her 2 weeks she settles around 2 weeks. but also said I have to be sure I can live with her mental illness. I said I'm trying to learn I love her I really do and I can I love all of her not just the good parts of her. I then asked ":)o you think I'm good for her" "Yes I do, I think if you lived on your own and not with your family would be better because your family is a volatile place for her." my sister has mental issues as well and my mom is not very mom like. She then said She understands why I didn't fully open to her. and that her and I are very similar. That I'm respectful and also told me about her and her husband (also a borderline).
she said she'd talk to her I assume for us because of how our conversation went. Just not to contact her for 2 weeks with any form of communication.
I'm willing to learn with her my partner, Shes trying to get help with therapy in fact she went friday dec 16th.
I'm willing to go with her to support her. I believe our communication will be much better after this. and I have told her I've opened up to her now not because she ended things but because I know the damage it has caused now.

My question though is how do I go about reconnecting with her after all this, I'm worried after she settles she'll feel guilt and think running even further as to not hurt me again. I believe we can make it out of any storm and I know she thinks that to from a guide she has given before. and I believe our communication will be much better from this. Any helpful advice would be appreciated.
I'm not looking for people to tell me to leave and be thankful this happened when it did. I am not that person. I stand for things I believe in through thick and thin. I don't feel trapped with her. I am an honest man with honest flaws, I want her I don't need her my life will go on either way. Giving up just shows I was dishonest about my love and that I'm a coward.

Thank you. Sorry the message is sort of scrambled I tried my best to keep as coherent as possible. This isn't the easiest moment of my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rfriesen]

Hi Dusi, and welcome! I hope you're managing to find some moments of peace and joy through these holidays, even in difficult circumstances.

I'm not looking for people to tell me to leave and be thankful this happened when it did. I am not that person. I stand for things I believe in through thick and thin. I don't feel trapped with her. I am an honest man with honest flaws, I want her I don't need her my life will go on either way. Giving up just shows I was dishonest about my love and that I'm a coward.

It sounds like you have a strong sense of self and that you care deeply for this person. To realize that you want her but don't need her is profound -- things that many people struggle hard to keep apart. So it's a big positive that you're able to maintain your grounding and sense of perspective.

Have you had a chance to read through some of the "Lessons"? (links on the right side of this page ------> These might give you some tools to manage difficult interactions in the relationship.

Each situation is unique. But from your description of your situation, it sounds like your partner needs some space right now and that your attempts to reach out were triggering her in ways that made her push you away. Does that sound accurate? In which case, as hard as it can be, the best thing for you to do now might be to leave her some time and space to take the next step herself. Do you feel comfortable with that?

[ynwa]

Hey Dusi,  you sound like you are willing and able to support your partner. And perhaps maybe think about yourself a bit first.  If your partner is dealing with strong emotions she doesn't understand and is overwhelmed by them, you might see that if you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious you might not be as useful in providing stable support for her. 

Think on how anxious and upset you are feeling right now. You are somewhat aware of why, but she might not be in control of even HOW upset she is. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704925#msg12704925

Like rfiesen suggested, read some of the articles on this site. You are going through it, but with a positive attitude... .

[Dusi2591]

@rfriesen
sorry for such a late reply, I've been reading a lot since this break up. I should have maybe done that sooner. To be honest I was naive to the impact this PD had.
Her and I have spoken a few times since the break up. and this post. I tried validating her feelings and I feel like it was successful she seemed to let her guard down and things weren't as absolute as they had been before with her. However I probably, well not probably I did push too much and now I'm back in the dog house. I'm just going to have to give her space and see where this goes.
  I also found out about another guy being in the picture. I know she didn't physically cheat when she was with me but I'm positive she was emotionally investing in this guy during the last week or two of the relationship. she has romanced him it seems for the time being. I also noticed. I wasn't painted black or any of these things until. I pushed her and tried getting her to to tell me whats wrong. almost as if shes projecting? Guilt perhaps? I'm not sure what to make of the situation. As when shes not calling me crazy, and terrible and so on. She seems to still care. I'm trying to look at this from a perspective where BPD isnt a factor and it all becomes So unreal that I can't believe its something as simple as Grass is greener.

[drained1996]

Hi Dusi2591,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with the circumstances you are facing.  Having a loved one with BPD can be very emotionally and mentally draining.  I have seen your story, and I see you have read a lot.  This comment I'm curious about:

I'm trying to look at this from a perspective where BPD isnt a factor and it all becomes So unreal that I can't believe its something as simple as Grass is greener.

what exactly do you mean by this statement?  no judging... .just for clarification

[Dusi2591]

drained1996

Well just to clarify I'm young 25 shes younger 20 she's my second serious relationship. My first was a highschool sweetheart which I spent 5 years of my life with. 2.5 years into that relationship She left for another guy. During that time I was able to see signs of us drifting apart and lack of a connection. At least from her perspective. 6 months later we rekindled and lasted another 2.5 years until I became aware of her cheating and left her. I'm all about second chances I guess. During the 6 month break though she wasn't Cold, She never claimed I broke her heart and was very much herself. She ended it with me the first time but we agreed to it and ended as two people who just didnt think we could love each other anymore. Never said I love you after the break up or anything.
 
Yes I know everyone is different and this is one experience but with My current love (Ex) Everything was good the complete opposite I couldn't for a mile see any separation or drifting. I can now see signs of manipulation on her end that I clued (Gut feeling) into then but brushed off as just her being her. I think a waif is what she'd be considered as with traits of everything else when it suits her. The day we broke up hours before she was "In love" then all of a sudden I was hit by the train. Im lost at what cost the trigger to happen or the multiple things that could have caused it I have ideas on a few things as mentioned. Usually I can after looking at things figure out what occurred. With this it's so messy and every action and or thing she says just don't fit together.
 
Most of the things she has stated you'd consider the Dumpers actions and not the dumpees which leads me to believe she is projecting. I've also noticed its when I push maybe to far that she "Paints me black" and in those moments she says she wants nothing to do with me and hates me and wants to forget me But also asks for space. Which is what I'm now giving her because I've given up every other option. Should have probably just started with that. If I wanted to forget someone and hate them and all that jazz I wouldn't ask for space though. I'd just say I need you to GTFO.

I'd like to work on things eventually I think if she ever were to "come" back most people around here seem to say they do for one reason or another. I'm also just having a hard time with the fact knowing she went on the "rebound" or left me for another who knows. She has brought him up and tried convincing me She didnt leave me for him. "I just said I think you believe that however I don't know what I believe and it doesn't matter your free to do what you want I cant control you and don't want too. You just have to consider what you may lose as a result of your actions."
To my knowledge all of her Ex boyfriends besides the ones who have cheated are still in her life in some regard. I seem to be the first person she's done this too.