Behaviour on learning your friends/family are visiting; share experience

[nylonsquid]

Hi all 

I still live with my pwBPD but slowly making my way out. I've noticed recently and when I think about it how she behaves when I tell her a close friend is coming by or if my family is. She basically falls into some kind of depression. A few weeks back she fell into depression when she found out my family was coming to visit. In the week leading up to the visit she wasn't happy and would blame me for things. Random things. I recall how she felt completely fine right away as soon as she realized my family cancelled the visit.

Today, I woke up to her being really nice, making me coffee and sitting next to me wanting to sit together for a few hours then I told her a friend of mine wants to visit later today. She told me how she didn't like that guy... I offered to make breakfast and she said its too late, she's too hungry, I take forever, we should go out now cuz she's starving... I offer to make food within 15 mins and she says she doesn't want eggs, she's too hungry, wants a full meal... I offer places to go but they're all ruined cuz she cried in them... she said she would just make the breakfast, I refused saying that she should give me a chance. She sat down like its the end of the world but I kept it light. I made a great breakfast as she was pouting. She stood in front of the breakfast like its the worst thing to ever happen and I laughed when I saw her cuz it was absurd. I asked whats wrong with her that she looked like she was having the worst day in her life! 

Any way, anyone understand why or can share experiences where they act weird when they find out someone close to you is coming to visit? I have no clue why this is. Are they afraid of being exposed?

[Naughty Nibbler]

The behavior could be from a fear of abandonment.  She would have to share you with the visitors. There is likely jealousy involved. The bad behavior is her way of of abandoning you first.  When the visit is cancelled, the abandonment threat is gone and she feels better. 

[nylonsquid]

The behavior could be from a fear of abandonment.  She would have to share you with the visitors. There is likely jealousy involved. The bad behavior is her way of of abandoning you first.  When the visit is cancelled, the abandonment threat is gone and she feels better. 

That's strange to wrap my head around. What is it about visits that suggest abandonment? I don't see the logic. How is my family coming to visit a threat? Is it because its a reminder that I have my own ties that doesn't involve her?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Just throwing out a possible theory.  People who are jealous, don't want to compete with anyone else for you time and attention.  It is a common situation on the Coping and Healing Board, where MIL's post about BPD DIL's. Some BPD DIL's  convince their man to abandon his family and go no contact with them.

If it isn't a jealousy or control issue, then perhaps she finds the ideal of guests too stressful for her and she reacts in anticipation of the visit, then reverses course when the visit is cancelled.

[nylonsquid]

People who are jealous, don't want to compete with anyone else for you time and attention.

Makes sense. My previous expwBPD would get jealous when I play videogames because it takes attention away from her. Even jealous of the cat. If you meet someone and they ever say they like attention, run!

[Naughty Nibbler]

If you meet someone and they ever say they like attention, run!

Believe what they tell you about them self.  Generally, "current behavior predicts future behavior" (and a lot more of it).

[once removed]

do you know much about her family life? it could be that she thinks back to hers.

Are they afraid of being exposed?

it is difficult for a person with an unstable sense of self to maintain an image from person to person, or multiple people.

could be about attention.

[nylonsquid]

do you know much about her family life? it could be that she thinks back to hers.

it is difficult for a person with an unstable sense of self to maintain an image from person to person, or multiple people.

could be about attention.

Ya, her mom died when she was 17, her relationship with her dad is awkward to say the least. They apparently don't hug, he always tries to joke/tease her and she's always being sarcastic wit him. She doesn't like him.

I can see some of the traits of maintaining image with myself. I always believed I'm an empath and to always coordinate what I find to be people's egos in big social settings I find exhausting and sometimes unnerving. Can I still be a relatively healthy person while still having this? I don't think I have BPD. Don't we all wear masks relative to the person we're talking to to a certain extent? I always feel better talking to someone one on one and about more "real" stuff, like their well being, personal life, big concepts, philosophy, state of the world etc. But talking to a big group I always found to be tricky though I cope with it.

[Duped 1]

Believe what they tell you about them self.  Generally, "current behavior predicts future behavior" (and a lot more of it).

Mine was jealous of my dogs and would rip on me for sitting with them. She even got jealous of my own kids at times and would want me to sit on the phone with her when I had the kids.

What a self centered a$$

[once removed]

Can I still be a relatively healthy person while still having this?

sure. put me around a person with a contagious laugh and ill laugh at almost anything. as an introvert, im selectively outgoing.

so its a great reference point when we have something to relate the disorder to, because black and white thinking, fear of abandonment and engulfment, etc, are things we all do/have to a degree.

wearing a mask relative to the person we're talking to a certain extent isnt the same degree as an unstable self image, but since we often say we "lost ourselves" in these relationships, its a good topic for examination!

What is "unstable self-image"?: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133804.10

[nylonsquid]

sure. put me around a person with a contagious laugh and ill laugh at almost anything. as an introvert, im selectively outgoing.

so its a great reference point when we have something to relate the disorder to, because black and white thinking, fear of abandonment and engulfment, etc, are things we all do/have to a degree.

wearing a mask relative to the person we're talking to a certain extent isnt the same degree as an unstable self image, but since we often say we "lost ourselves" in these relationships, its a good topic for examination!

What is "unstable self-image"?: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133804.10

Very interesting. Thanks for the info!