I'm sure this is all my fault.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I just wonder what she's saying to people about me.  I'm sure this is all my fault.  I especially wonder what she's saying to people I don't know at work and everything.  

I told her friend to tell her that I know.  She's hanging out with her on Saturday.  

She used to always try to talk me down from it if I thought she cheated. SO I'm guessing I may receieve a text from her tomorrow trying to get me to not think that.  I'm standing firm on my belief.  

Kind of worried what she's going to say if we talk.  

[Shedd]

I just wonder what she's saying to people about me.  I'm sure this is all my fault.  I especially wonder what she's saying to people I don't know at work and everything.  

I told her friend to tell her that I know.  She's hanging out with her on Saturday.  

She used to always try to talk me down from it if I thought she cheated. SO I'm guessing I may receieve a text from her tomorrow trying to get me to not think that.  I'm standing firm on my belief.  

Kind of worried what she's going to say if we talk.  

[seeperplexed]

My BPDex cheated on me with 3 known men, though I suspect several more. I had NO idea. No suspicion. Then, boom. One of the side guys told me everything, and he is currently my replacement. It's been months, so while at first I may have been jealous, I simply pity him. These things don't just magically change with the next person. It takes time and effort.

I think you're right to have trusted your gut about the infidelity. She sounds like she was saying things as a way to relieve some guilt without actually taking accountability. I pray it isn't true, but everything you typed sounds just like my relationship. It's nauseating.

[Rayban]

In my experience with my BPDex, devaluation was usually be accompanied by her randomly mentioning having bumped into an ex, or how a male "friend" was over to her place and made a move on her. During this time she seemed gitty while making me feel like I was no longer important.

We also had multiple breakups and recycles.  I know she was not alone when we were not together. I believe she just goes about maintaining and/or aquiring new attachments. It feeds her ego to know that people are on the side waiting for their number to be called.

[Shedd]

 It feeds her ego to know that people are on the side waiting for their number to be called.

This makes perfect sense to me.  She loves the attention.

Should I believe her when she said her ex cheated on her? Now I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't my ex who cheated on her... .LOL.

Towards the end of our relationship she had been talking to a guy.  (We were just friends with benefits at this point.) And I found out he was a friend of hers from high school.

It seemed like to like anyone she talked to that was interested in her.  She would be interested back! I asked her why she was talking to him, and she said, "I don't know, he makes me laugh." I felt so terrible and was like, "I used to make you laugh."  And she just brushed it off saying she knows.

When I came over one time she was like, ":)on't be mad, but he sent me flowers." She was "kind" enough to put them in her bedroom when I came over.  I still saw them tho... .He must have spent a lot of money on them.  

Towards the end when she told me she just wanted to be friends she said that she was done talking to him.

I just wonder who all the people were she was with.  People say she changed after she came back from Chicago.  I think she cheated on me then too.  It's weird because she made it so believable she didn't.  She even Face Timed me that night and had this big story about what happened.  :)oesn't mean it didn't happen.  I'm sure she at least kissed him, and that they held hands.  

At then end, also, I said "It wasn't me you had to be worried about.  I should have been worried about you," and she said, "It's true!"

So that validates everything.  I'm not even mad about the cheating.  Just hurt that I gave her the world and everything she desired in a relationship, BUT SHE was the one to destroy it all.  And she blames it all on me, saying we don't have chemistry, that I wasn't a hard enough worker.  When I would work two jobs for her. What a joke.

[caughtnreleased]

 And she blames it all on me, saying we don't have chemistry, that I wasn't a hard enough worker.  When I would work two jobs for her. What a joke.

I think you clearly can't take the criticism of pwBPD as something authentic and honest. It seems like in saying this she's clearly hitting a point of vulnerability for you. No chemistry - well, chemistry pretty much dies (or changes) in almost all relationships, but it's a hurtful thing to say. Because it implies that she's going to go find herself some chemistry. Same with the job criticism. As someone who has a parent with BPD, the harder I worked at something specific, or the more I wanted something, or even the more talent I had in a certain area... .well the more put down I was in that. It's a place of vulnerability, and because they have BPD they go for the jugular. There is little or no truth to what they say, only easy access to your most vulnerable places.

[cbm419]

cheating was my BPDex's tool for:

coping with any form of disappointment.
getting back at me for some perceived wrong
pulling me back/putting me in my place when I set or enforced a boundary
affirmation of value during the off phases of our on/off (and our OFF phases usually lasted only 12 hours, in which time he'd aggresively seek sex, get it, and divorce himself from any remorse because in those 12 hours we weren't technically together... .later on he would express apology and sadness for his compulsivity).

he is very attractive and has used sex to self soothe since he was a teenager.  has had hundreds of mostly anonymous partners by his own count.

it was a really sick relationship to manage.  If he was raging and i asked for 20 mins of space to cool off, he would go to the bar or wherever and find a sex partner.  come back within an hour smelling like sweat and dripping in guilt.

looking back, i dont know how i ever put up with the insanity of it all.

[Shedd]

Looking back, i dont know how i ever put up with the insanity of it all.

How long has it been since you've been split?

Wow, it seems like people with BPD are extremely attractive.  Maybe this is also why we have a hard time letting go. Is this true with most people with BPD?

I know there are people attractive that don't have BPD, but why does this seem to be the case with them?

Maybe they're all just good at flirting, and being seductive.  So that's what makes them attractive? Hmm?

I always think I'll never find someone more beautiful, but I guess I'd rather have a beautiful soul than a beautiful face! I thought she was both, but I just lied to myself. 

[cbm419]

How long has it been since you've been split?

Wow, it seems like people with BPD are extremely attractive.  Maybe this is also why we have a hard time letting go. Is this true with most people with BPD?

I know there are people attractive that don't have BPD, but why does this seem to be the case with them?

Maybe they're all just good at flirting, and being seductive.  So that's what makes them attractive? Hmm?

I always think I'll never find someone more beautiful, but I guess I'd rather have a beautiful soul than a beautiful face! I thought she was both, but I just lied to myself. 

Thanks for your reply.  We have been on the rocks the last 6-9 months of what was a 3 year relationship. first two were an extended idealization period- felt too good to be true.  thats exactly what it ended up as. all of these compulsive behaviors, the episodes of rage, physical abuse sending me to the hospital and requiring reconstructive surgery... .that all happened in this final year.

we've been living apart for about 6 months and its been a slow cool off that, in the last month, came to its final end.  We agreed to break up and have been mostly NC for the last two weeks.

and in terms of your comment on how they're often attractive- I think the real distinction is they are very attractive COMBINED with extremely low self worth.  mine was the epitome of this.  as such, he learned to drug his low self worth with sexual attention.  would tell me by age 15 he was online looking for people having sex with someone new almost every day.  With this, my BPD learned a lot about how to be flirty, seductive, and most unfortunately, his language of love/life became very limited to sexual expression.  Also, he had a tendency to prefer multiple, less attractive partners over one, or a few, equals to him.  I would catch him cheating on me with older, out of shape (no offense to these people) and objectively unattractive people... .it seemed like he liked these encounters because the sexual "jackpot" the other person was hitting meant they'd treat him like a god, chase him afterwards... .overall worship his appearance and sexual prowess.  And because of all this experience, he was VERY good at sex.

I wonder if this is similar to other's experiences?

The thing is, my BPD was never a "casanova" and never seemed extremely socially adept or cunning.  He wasnt the life of the party.  If anything, he was very humble, modest... .more "cute" than "red hot."  He would be more apt to devalue himself in conversation rather than be the "big shot." These may have been just his outside appearance- the front he put up.  I would never claim to fully know how he was thinking on the inside- this is an impossible task.

with all of this I think he became very very good at gaining peoples empathy/sympathy/pity.  but only for so long.  he had very few long term friends and those that did stick around seemed to keep him at arms length and prefer small doses. people had a tendency to meet him, see him as this incredibly sensitive, wounded, cute young guy who was as good intentioned as he was good looking. These relationships would become quickly intense... .every month or two it was a brand new "best friend for life."  The relationships, would, almost always, be terminated when he found one tiny fault in their ways and would shut them out (typical BPD), or they would have an up close encounter with his "crazy:" the rages, the completely transparent and obvious manipulation (he almost seemed child like when he would manipulate to get what he wanted- massively immature and painfully obvious).  Often times his new BFs would see how he treated me, how he cheated on me pretty compulsively but would turn around and be nearly suicidal, completely despondent and overtaken with remorse, but just as liable to flip into rage at me a hour later... .and they'd start to phase him out of their lives because it was too much drama.  They began to see him as (at best) manipulative or (at worst) totally bat Sh*t crazy.

more than a couple of these revolving door best friends would approach me after leaving his life wondering how I put up with it all, why I kept putting up with it, almost always saying I was some type of saint, or a complete masochist. . 

I will say with some real distance from him and the more recent termination of the relationship, I have finally began to feel relief.  This is for the best, what I had was not real love or real intimacy... .I have concluded he is, at this time, incapable of that.  And I was just the biggest buyer of what he sells, completely cosigned his BS.  I dont think hes a bad person.  He is a sick person. And his social sickness had a contagious way of screwing my life up too... .much worse so after the enmeshment was complete.

[Shedd]

I suggest you keep an open mind and approach some of those old friends with an authentic and complete amends, as such that I've outlined.  Then move on and dont mention the stupid BPD relationship again- save it for a therapist... .

I think it was too late for the friendship to survive anyway.  They were also "toxic" friends.  I really have no desire to get them back either for the way they treated me.  So it's for the best.  Plus, I have apoligized over and over for my behavior, but they don't seem to want to forgive me.  It's ok.  So in a way, she did me a favor to get rid of them.

[cbm419]

I think it was too late for the friendship to survive anyway.  They were also "toxic" friends.  I really have no desire to get them back either for the way they treated me.  So it's for the best.  Plus, I have apoligized over and over for my behavior, but they don't seem to want to forgive me.  It's ok.  So in a way, she did me a favor to get rid of them.

I can understand your rationalization, but be assured, if they weren't good friends to begin with... .you could have figured that out in a much more normal, healthier way.

I dont think she did you any favors and would suggest it may be harmful to internalize the outcome as such. 

I'm not trying to say we need to "paint these exes black" and conclude it was all bad. Sure, there were tender and sweet moments and ohhh boyyyy did i learn a lot from this relationship.

That said, if i could go back in time to three years ago... .when i was in great shape, didnt have all these mental issues, didnt make a grade-A a$$ of myself to all these friends and family members who held me in high regard, all for someone who was in reality a sexy, cheating, scummy, needy, abusive vampire who was addictive like a drug... .I would love to get it all back.

Maybe the best way to put it is- people who have known me and loved me since i was born, since i was a teenager or young professional... .these are people who have seen me grow, change, succeed, fail... .

and they all, without exception said "hey, you, listen up! this person is BADDDD NEWSSS"

I think the moral of my story/situation, at least, is... .trust the ones who really love you.  Trust the people who know you best. My parents, brothers, friends of many different year ranges, unanimously said this is a bad idea, this is going to end badly. 

Then when things got bad- "this got bad, listen to us now, you need to end it"

 ... .I guess I don't blame them for being a bit grumpy now that I'm back here, validating all their told ya so moments.  its been very humbling. but if anything, a great lesson in trusting your roots and those deepest in your heart... .they've been helping you grow all along, and just want the best. 

[Shedd]

but if anything, a great lesson in trusting your roots and those deepest in your heart... .they've been helping you grow all along, and just want the best. 

This relationship has taught me a lot about myself.  I just kept holding onto the relationship because I had many signs she was the one.

It's my fault because I would have gladly given up all my friends just to be in love with her, but I see now how wrong this is. 

I never thought I would allow myself to be in such a terrible relationship, but it goes to show how addicting love is.  It's all I've ever wanted and I thought I had the perfect love story. 

Well, I'm ready to get back to being myself.  I am starting to think clearer.  Today has been a hard day, but I am determined to get myself back.  I know I can do it.

[cbm419]

This relationship has taught me a lot about myself.  I just kept holding onto the relationship because I had many signs she was the one.

It's my fault because I would have gladly given up all my friends just to be in love with her, but I see now how wrong this is. 

I never thought I would allow myself to be in such a terrible relationship, but it goes to show how addicting love is.  It's all I've ever wanted and I thought I had the perfect love story. 

Well, I'm ready to get back to being myself.  I am starting to think clearer.  Today has been a hard day, but I am determined to get myself back.  I know I can do it.

well, dear friend: love addiction is more troublesome than any potential drug.  it is the height of all addictions. since my BPD i have seen three therapists and a psychiatrist and they all agree... .amongst all the drugs and alcohol i sometimes enjoy, my true issue is love addiction.

the love is addicting beyond all measure.  the sex feels like some ritualistic ceremony of soul completion. its utterly cunning, baffling and powerful.

i gave up so much... .really, millions of dollars... .every night was a foolish pageant, 300 dollar steak dinners, near a thousand more on cocktails.  it was always quite so unsustainable.  but i was love addicted and therefore needed it all.
 
we lived in a lovely flat in manhattan.  I owned the entire floor of a building. we frequented some of the most desireable restaurants and clubs in that city for 3 years.

what it did most of all was destroy my wallet. reduce my credit.  we would fight and i would feel so powerless i would offer a night of luxury to assuage the situation. fix the broken moment.

a few grand later. we had passionate sex, drunk of a few hundred to a thousand in cocktails, expensive food. the entire arrangement was foolish.

at terminal ends of the relationship, i would joke: i would sometimes have to spend 5k if you got mad many nights.  he would laugh... .yes, this is true.