Tried of all this

[Angus]

Hi. My daughter has borderline personality disorder she is 25 yrs old.also she is depressed and has anxiety. She lives with her boyfriend. My life has been so hard the pass 4 yrs. she some times doesn't work and financial I always help her. In 4yrs it adds up to 45000 dollars. I feel like all I do is work for nothing. I love her a lot and have been there always. She text me all the time when I am at work and tells me she hates her life and wants to die.i feel hopeless. I am a nurse for 34yrs and worked hard . I can't live like this

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sad but wiser]

Has your daughter been diagnosed?  She could be bipolar, in which case consistant meds could help tremendously.  As far as finan ials,  even with her issues, you are not obligated to bail her out of every financial fix she gets herself into.  I would say, "give nothing you cannot give with good grace."  In other words, if you resent having to give it, you don't have to give it.  If she cannot work, she should be eligible for public benefits.  If she can work, she must or live with the consequences.

[Mutt]

Hi Angus,



I'd like to join sad but wiser and welcome you. I think that would feel depressing and hopeless helping your child and have suicidal idealization.

You're not alone, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you. Learn as much as you can about BPD, the behaviors are not personal and can often illicit feelings of guilt and obligation.

It helps to talk to a T concurrently with a support group. Are you seeing a T? How is your support network in real life? Do you have family members and friends that you can talk to?

[Lollypop]

Hi there Angus

I just wanted to say hello and say welcome.

My BPDs is 26 and lives st home at the moment.  He suffers from anxiety but his depression has lifted but he still gets down periods.  Ww have learnt a new way of communicating with him  from reading, learning and practising validation on this forum.  It's been our life saver.

My BPDs had a big problem with managing his money and the last "job" he had was 6 years ago that ended up in a disaster as he made an accusation against another member of staff.  We helped him out financially, paid for a course and equipment and truck so he could make a living. We have always been there to help him out. It took me a long time to change my behaviours as I now realise that all I was doing was enabling him and preventing him from developing. He just didn't want to grow up. Drug use complicates his life.

I stopped giving my BPDs money  xmas eve 2015.  It took him about 4 weeks to find himself one days work.  We provided food, a room and lifts to and from work. And worked very hard improving our relationship with him,  having him in our home has been helpful as we've learnt a better way and gained s greater understanding of his challenges and importantly his limitations.

He now pays us rent, has bought himself an old car, works casually but regularly and saved up for a further training course (he works with trees).   I hope he will be ready to try and live independently in 2017.

I asked others on the forum for advice on how to get him to learn financial management skills.  It taught me a lot and that there are many ways of approaching it. A lot depends on your own personal circumstances and also them,

My BPDs doesn't seek treatment,  is your daughter in treatment?  :)oes her partner work and, if so, are they prepared or can they support her?  What's her relationship like with her partner?

I totally understand that you feel like you can't carry on like this.  I got so full of despair myself; nothing ever changed and we just went from one drama to the next.  

We will be retiring in s few years and our BPDs HAS to live independently and we're allowing him, slowly, to learn how to do this.  He pays weekly rent, has a phone contract and now is paying car insurance. This is a big step for him.

L

[Angus]

My daughter is seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. She just went back to work last week. The Dr has her on loxipine . This helped angry but not anxiety and depression.today they are trying another antidepressant medication. She works as cca in a nursing home. I got her this fine since she dropped out of high school and then went back to aldult learning eduction to get grade 12. She is working part time and living with her boyfriend who is a mechanics. I have hope. I sometimes feel like giving up but worked more to help her. Sometimes I see that she can malpulation me for money. She try's to make me feel bad for her. She doesn't show appreciation for all I do. I work hard. I am feeling depressed my self now.money doesn't mean much to me. I am 53 and just want peace. I need a rest from this. It has gone on since she was 14yrs old. I feel her and her boyfriend need to budget better. He may be using me to. I can't buy myself anything. Sometime they have no oil,. And she said mother don't let me freeze. I just want a little bit of a life. I know I have enabled her. I seen a therapist. I am too soft hearted. It is a part of my life now. I think about it constantly. Since she cut her wrist . I was at work the other night and she called me and said she had a razor. I had to talk to her to calm her. Sorry so long. Just feel like released this. Bye

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to about your depression, depression is tough. Can your D give her P or T a call when she has suicidal idealization?

[Lollypop]

Hi Angus

I'm 53 too and understand that absolute exhaustion.  My BPDs is a quiet type and doesn't rage.  He actually never asked for money or items, I was just always there handing out and was at least 5 steps ahead of him ready to provide for what I saw as his next steps.  I kept finding him jobs etc.  I hoped he'd suddenly grow up and be like other "normal" people.  This was pre diagnosis. 

I' discovered I'm either too soft or too hard When dealing with him .  I certainly hold my hands up and say I reached a point I'd do anything for some peace and calm.  Money never really mattered to me either and I think this really didn't help my BPDs deal with it responsibly.  Why would he when he always knew I'd be there!  We reached a point that all our savings were gone and we could no longer pay to keep him in his accommodation or pay his food.  We'd reached our own end if you like.  We had to start thinking about ourselves, our own life and our own retirement.

im so very sorry that you're going through this. You're right, you do need a break. Some time to gather your strength. 

It sounds like you need some boundaries and limits for yourself. 

I'm currently trying hard to learn to be assertive but caring. I've phased the level of responsibility my BPDs has as he learns to manage his money.  I'm trying to be the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be.  I've learnt to say NO in the right way with better communication and validation skills.

You've said you want a little of life for yourself. This is absolutely right and there should be no guilt feeling this.  We all have our own lives and we are ultimately only responsible for ourselves.  If we provide and enable our adult children then what do they do after we've gone?  There's a way to get a life for yourself Angus. It is possible but it takes strength.  This forum has been my life saver as I've learnt a new way.

Our situation has really improved in the last 12 months.  All I did was change our own approach.  It Can be done.

It's good your daughter is working and also her partner.  Do you think they earn enough to be able to manage?  Do they get financial support from the boyfriends parents too?

[Angus]

Thanks for getting back to me and your support. I am very much going to say the word no,.i have to. My daughter is very smart. I have got this far and will continue to be strong. My family don't understand BpD. They tell me negative things like my daughter is selfish and for her to grow up. I don't tell them much any more.I do have a good husband and he is very supportive but his personality is a very soft man who just goes along with what ever I do. I was given this site by by daughters psy Dr. She said I had to start taking care of my own mental health.and we all do. It is nice to be on this site. People who understand. Thanks for your comments. I have the book. Walking on egg shells with borderline personality disorder.this book is great. I ordered it on line.