Emotional cheating.

[earlyL]

Hi,

I am a newbie but have read a lot on the message boards in the last week.

My partner has diagnosed BPD. We have been together two years and two weeks ago she told me that she had feelings for someone else, still loved me but was confused about her feelings and needed some space. Sadly she didn't take that space, and we have had two very difficult weeks where she avoids me.

Today, I found a letter from the woman that she has feelings for, who also declared her feelings for her, but who is currently in the states marrying her long term partner. My partner had insisted that nothing has happened, but it would seem they have shared a deep emotional connection and some physicality but not sex. I love my partner very much, and have always been aware of her BPD, I am learning more about it now and wish I had done so beforehand. I guess my main question is how to move forward from here. I want to be with her, but I also don't want to let her treat me this way.
Any advice gratefully received.

Louise

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[Curiously1]

Hi,

I am a newbie but have read a lot on the message boards in the last week.

My partner has diagnosed BPD. We have been together two years and two weeks ago she told me that she had feelings for someone else, still loved me but was confused about her feelings and needed some space. Sadly she didn't take that space, and we have had two very difficult weeks where she avoids me.

Today, I found a letter from the woman that she has feelings for, who also declared her feelings for her, but who is currently in the states marrying her long term partner. My partner had insisted that nothing has happened, but it would seem they have shared a deep emotional connection and some physicality but not sex. I love my partner very much, and have always been aware of her BPD, I am learning more about it now and wish I had done so beforehand. I guess my main question is how to move forward from here. I want to be with her, but I also don't want to let her treat me this way.
Any advice gratefully received.

Louise

Hi Louise
I'm sorry to hear that you have been facing some problems with your partners confusing feelings with another woman.
The only persons actions you can control is your own. Learning tools to cope with a BPD partner won't necessarily change your partners actions in favour of what you may want. You have adressed your discomfort to her and all you can do is hope that she respects how you feel and chooses to make it work with you. Describe how would you like to be treated? It seems that you want to stay in this relationship and things could possibly work out for you both. What would it take to stay in a relationship with you? Where is your line in the sand? What are your relationship dealbreakers?

[earlyL]

Thank you for this, I really appreciate your response. Yes, those are exactly the questions I have been asking myself. Sadly it doesn't seem to be as simple and I have found since my last post that my partner feels she has the deepest connection with this other woman, far deeper than anything with myself, which seems surreal considering all that we talked about. But I realise this is part of the condition and perhaps she is trying to set up my replacement. I have been lucky to have had two years without any of this it would seem from reading other posts!

[Curiously1]

In the end what is most important is how you feel and your own happiness. pwBPD do overly idealise new love interests you are right it is part of the condition. What you are going through isn't easy and will take time to think about but know that you are important and deserve to be loved the right way and for all the right reasons.