Don't know how to deal with this

[Scaredtodeath]

I am a 60 year old male.  I am a medical assistant and worked in mental health for two years.  That is when I discovered BPD.  I had thought for many years (we have been married 30 years) my wife was bipolar.  Within the first year of working in mental health I read DSM 4 (for other reasons than diagnosing my wife).  When I got to bipolar I perked up and thought of my wife.  As I read I realized that it just did not quite fit.  As I read, I came to BPD.  Had never heard of it.  As I read an incredible horror came over me.  Holy cow, this was my life. I pondered things for s few months.  One day I was at the book store looking for a medical book.  As I was walking down the isle of medical books, the isle transitioned to mental health and I saw a book titled Stop Walking On Egg Shells.  It jumped out at me because for years I had been saying "I feel like I am walking on egg shells".  Not thinking at all about BPD, I picked up the book and when I realized I was about living with a BPD partner I bought it.
Holy Moly!  Was very hard to read!  Not because of how it was written, but because it was like soneone was sitting in my house and writing what they saw and heard.  This book is my exact life.  I has now been about three years since I discovered BPD and read SWOES.  My life is no better and probably worse.  My wife cannot get along with anyone for any length of time.  On and off relationships.  Our relationship has been get worse for about 20 years.  Knowing what I know now I see signs very early in our relationship.  Through the process of learning and trying to adjust to all this, speaking with my counselor and a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner that I worked with I found that BPD seldom presents alone, and it seems that she may also have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  She really is frightened of being alone.  And by that, I mean even just across the room.  It is very hard to get anything done because no matter what it is, as soon as I start something I am called away because she needs something.  Usually to go on and on about what I do wrong or that this or that is not done.  If I an trying to watch the news, or any program that I want to watch she will sit there with her face book constantly making me look at her face book and effectively not being able to watch anything.  I am afraid things are rapidly crashing.

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[VitaminC]

Hi there Scaredtodeath,

I would like to say . I am glad you have found us and hope that you will get the support you need here.

It's good that you have already read Stop Walking on Eggshells. It sounds as if that book resonated hugely with you, yet failed to change your relationship for the better. I can relate to a feeling of relief at having finally understood what you have been dealing with. And then a feeling of disappointment, perhaps, that knowing what it is does not mean that it is fixed. It's not easy and there is not one solution that works for everyone and for every situation.

It is communication tools and the consistent application of them that offers many of us hope. You can read about SET (Support, Empathy, Truth). Are you familiar with this? Have you tried it?

I also wonder if you are in need of better setting and enforcing some boundaries. Your wife's constant need for your attention must be draining. You need some time to pursue your own interests; whether it be watching TV or a hobby that takes you outside of the house and allows social interaction with others. I saw your response on another thread as well in which you mentioned what sounded like a pretty isolated life to me. What are some things you might like to do for yourself?
 
You don't mention children? Are there any? Why do you think "things are rapidly crashing" ? In what way are they getting worse?

We will help, Scaredtodeath. We all help each other here and many of us have found ourselves understood and supported here in a way that we were not able to in our real-life communities.

I wish you a peaceful and restful Christmas  
Take care and talk to you more soon, ok?

~VitaminC