After 12 years together, horrible years. I had to leave, but still love him.

[Depression = 72% of members]

He has proven to me that he doesn't really love me, by cheating on me with my sister and telling me about it, by stealing my money, my medication, my identity, leaving me when my leases was up and refused to talk to me (until I had moved into this condo, then he loved me again). He was always pushing me to drink and get drunk. I wasn't aware that he was posting adds on Craig list (posing as me) trying to find a guy to have sex with me while he watched. I guess in his mind he thought I was going to get drunk enough to either agree or be unconscious. He changed my passwords and hyjacked my email and bank accounts. He took control of all of my money. In 12 years I never saw a bank statement or a pay stub. I have no idea how may years he claimed me as a dependent on his taxes. He forges my signature on my checks so often that when I did write a check my bank called me because they thought me signature was a forgery. It goes on and on. Why don't I hate him? Why do I wish he would change? How can I still care about a man that has reeked havoc on my life? I'm alone now. I have my life back. I don't live in constant drama. I love and  appreciate all of the little things that I didn't realize he took away from me. But my mind wonders back to him.

[Aprilaugust]

He has proven to me that he doesn't really love me, by cheating on me with my sister and telling me about it, by stealing my money, my medication, my identity, leaving me when my leases was up and refused to talk to me (until I had moved into this condo, then he loved me again). He was always pushing me to drink and get drunk. I wasn't aware that he was posting adds on Craig list (posing as me) trying to find a guy to have sex with me while he watched. I guess in his mind he thought I was going to get drunk enough to either agree or be unconscious. He changed my passwords and hyjacked my email and bank accounts. He took control of all of my money. In 12 years I never saw a bank statement or a pay stub. I have no idea how may years he claimed me as a dependent on his taxes. He forges my signature on my checks so often that when I did write a check my bank called me because they thought me signature was a forgery. It goes on and on. Why don't I hate him? Why do I wish he would change? How can I still care about a man that has reeked havoc on my life? I'm alone now. I have my life back. I don't live in constant drama. I love and  appreciate all of the little things that I didn't realize he took away from me. But my mind wonders back to him.

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Wow. That is really a hard story to read.

How long have you been apart?

[lovenature]

Welcome Aprilaugust

You have been through so much over the last 12 years, my heart goes out to you.

I am glad to hear that you are getting your life back and able to appreciate the little things that are so important.

It is completely normal for your mind to go back to him, and for the feelings you have. You are among friends here in a safe place where you can read, learn, post. I found for me it was very helpful and validating to read others stories; the more I learned about this awful disorder, the more I was able to detach with compassion.

Take care of yourself!

[cbm419]

Welcome Aprilaugust.

And WOOWWW. What a piece of work. I can assure you that you've found the right place. We all have dealt with so much manipulation in the years with our BPDs that we began to see these relationships as normal, and the deeper we went, the more they were able to surverse our perception of real love.

I had mine for 3 years, filled with cheating, abuse both physical and emotional. Rages and all the walking on eggshells that became a daily exercise to avoid triggering the next blow out fight. Mine also used a passive aggressive set of behaviors to extract many many thousands in trips, dinners, alcohol, drugs and whatever he would want any given moment. My punishment for no was sometimes days long rages followed by silent treatments. I accepted abhorrent cheating, believing he couldn't control himself due to a toxic past... .but ended up with STDs (curable thank god) and all sorts of complexes about sex I never had before.

And the sad thing is months away from our detachment, still got that soft spot for him. Still experince real sensations of love and desire for him.

I just pray that each day gets easier and it does. Thank god. I know I have to learn what real love is all over again. Because our time together twisted my perception of so much regarding relationships and boundaries and I found my standards for what I'd accept from him lowering further and further while I was constantly upping my own game to keep him happy and my days rage free.

Glad your here to share you experience and join us as we all heal together. We need each other. Other people dont get these relationships and, if your friends and family are anything like mine, they are confounded at how we did it all, kept going back, and usually sick of hearing about it .

These boards are a great place to heal and learn more. Keep coming back and share!

[michel71]

My friends and family think I am crazy for the way I still love my uBPDw and worry about me. They just don't understand like we do on here. You are in the right place friend.

[cbm419]

My friends and family think I am crazy for the way I still love my uBPDw and worry about me. They just don't understand like we do on here. You are in the right place friend.

Among my loved ones, saying his name is like mentioning Voldemort in Harry Potter. They just don't want to hear about it anymore. And rightfully so. They got so sick of hearing about his cheating, his abuse, his rages, telling me I should leave him- and I would usually agree I those moments. Then two weeks later they'd ask how the breakup was going and id be like "ohhh everything is actually wonderful for us."  They hated it. Thought I was brainwashed. My brother always says now "it's like you joined some kind of cult".

In retrospect that's an appropriate comparison.

The topic is kind of outlawed these days and I can't fault them. But I know I need a place to talk it out because my feelings are still so raw and complex. And I'm still weak when it comes to him. It feels like without a forum to reinforce all the toxicity of our relationship, I'd be liable to forget all that I need to remember and fall back into his grasp. I'm ashamed to admit it, but that could still happen.

Weekly work with a therapist and the support of this group have been immensely helpful. So again, welcome and please take full advantage. We're here to listen and reflect along with you, and we need to be a team because these relationships are that baffling.

[lovenature]

And I'm still weak when it comes to him. It feels like without a forum to reinforce all the toxicity of our relationship, I'd be liable to forget all that I need to remember and fall back into his grasp. I'm ashamed to admit it, but that could still happen.

Don't ever be ashamed, this is completely normal. It is not possible for ANYONE who hasn't lived through one of these relationships to ever fathom it.

[Aprilaugust]

Wow. That is really a hard story to read.

How long have you been apart?

The last time we spent any time together was December 3rd. But he came over an took my car for the day.

[Aprilaugust]

This is my first time ever actually joining and posting on any kind of forum. I don't know how to use it. I want to say thank you to everyone that read my story and replied.

Thank you so much. This is the first time I have ever had anyone actually understand.
I never even told my therapist.  People who haven't lived it don't understand.I don't even understand how it happened for so long. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what made me think "we" could have fixed it, for so long.

I heart goes out to anyone that has been though the same pain.
I know it hurts when you feel alone and misunderstood.

[cbm419]

Thank you so much. This is the first time I have ever had anyone actually understand.
I never even told my therapist.  People who haven't lived it don't understand.I don't even understand how it happened for so long. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what made me think "we" could have fixed it, for so long.

Fixing a person like this is a HE activity, not a WE one.  But i can relate, I thought i could make it all about ME, and if i just read books, treated him differently, that the rages and insanity would subside.  Only he can work through his disorder... .with a lot of hard work, time, and appropriate counseling.  Honest work and open mindedness on his part.  Thats a tall order that he doesnt sound ready to fill.

please! talk to your therapist.  Its their profession to help you through this situation.  Silence is the greatest enemy to your healing and recovery.  I'd make an appt ASAP or see if they have time to talk on the phone, as it seems like right now, you could really use the support and guidance a therapy professional can provide.

All of us are here to support each other (like you, my family/friends are dumbfounded and sick of hearing about him), share our experience strength and hope... .the veterans here, particularly, provide fantastic resources and kind knowledge.  please dont hesitate to lean on us all!

Praying for you!

[lovenature]

You're doing fine April, keep reading, learning and posting.
If you're therapist has experience with BPD it would be helpful for you to discuss with them what has happened and how you have felt; they likely have never lived what you have, but they certainly need to have the proper training to help you.

[Aprilaugust]

I just want to move on and never look back. I want to heal as fast as I can. I have spent to many years on the floor crying, wishing I was dead (while he was secretly use his phone to video tape me crying) I don't want to think about him or worry about what will happen to him (because I read that his biggest fear is abandonment) and I don't like to imagine him growing old alone or with someone that will take advantage of him. I never want to be in a relationship again. I don't trust men anymore. I'm afraid of them. I don't believe I would ever find anyone healthy if I tried. I don't need a man.  I want to get a dog and grow old with him/her. Dogs don't lie, or steal or disappoint or hurt you. They are always happy to see you. Dogs love you, and protect you. It doesn't matter what breed they are. They are the only companion that you can count on and know they will not make you think your crazy. They are there when you go to bed and are still there when you wake up.

[tammym1972]

I just want to move on and never look back. I want to heal as fast as I can. I have spent to many years on the floor crying, wishing I was dead (while he was secretly use his phone to video tape me crying) I don't want to think about him or worry about what will happen to him (because I read that his biggest fear is abandonment) and I don't like to imagine him growing old alone or with someone that will take advantage of him. I never want to be in a relationship again. I don't trust men anymore. I'm afraid of them. I don't believe I would ever find anyone healthy if I tried. I don't need a man.  I want to get a dog and grow old with him/her. Dogs don't lie, or steal or disappoint or hurt you. They are always happy to see you. Dogs love you, and protect you. It doesn't matter what breed they are. They are the only companion that you can count on and know they will not make you think your crazy. They are there when you go to bed and are still there when you wake up.

I totally understand. I've been broken up with my exBPDbf for two months now. I prefer animals to people too. He was the one man I trusted completely. He abandoned me for someone else after saying we'd be together forever. Just try to remember that he is mentally ill.

[Aprilaugust]

I totally understand. I've been broken up with my exBPDbf for two months now. I prefer animals to people too. He was the one man I trusted completely. He abandoned me for someone else after saying we'd be together forever. Just try to remember that he is mentally ill.

Thank you. I know its super hard especially around Christmas. Im sorry to hear that he left you. Mine has left me and I know that feeling of rejection. it can blind you from what is actually the best thing for you. when my x left me 2 years ago. Im almost positive to be with my twin sister. I just wanted him back because I wanted the pain to go away. when I think about it. I don't even like his company. He wasn't funny. He was weird and told me I had no sense of humor but he wasn't funny! ()

[tammym1972]

Thank you. I know its super hard especially around Christmas. Im sorry to hear that he left you. Mine has left me and I know that feeling of rejection. it can blind you from what is actually the best thing for you. when my x left me 2 years ago. Im almost positive to be with my twin sister. I just wanted him back because I wanted the pain to go away. when I think about it. I don't even like his company. He wasn't funny. He was weird and told me I had no sense of humor but he wasn't funny! ()

Sounds like mine. I guess I just felt "comfortable". Oh he was a great catch in the beginning but by the last year he blamed me for everything, always talked about his ex, yelled at me in front of family. I actually did think of leaving a few times but like I said I was "comfortable".

[cbm419]

Mine was a card carrying member of the "make you feel comfortable" club. When things were good they were over the moon great. Beyond amazing sex, even more incredible snuggles. Like we would spend entire days sometimes in each other's arms. Leave the Netflix on and cuddle and kiss and order delivery all three meals while we nuzzled in bed. It was such a feeling of comfort. Such a sensation of "home" when things were good.

Flash forward to the bad. It was so bad. Physical abuse. Chronic cheating. I would wonder how my snuggly guy could ever touch another person and drive myself insane trying to reduce my role in it, figure out what was my fault.

It's been so hard accepting there was nothing I could attribute. Nothing I could call inherently my fault.

Figuring out who I am and who I will be is my primary purpose now.

All of us exes need our time and shared support to heal. Thank god for this forum.

[Aprilaugust]

I keep a journal again. That's something I had done everyday for so many years but that quickly stopped after my x moved in. Even the thought of him yelling at me still gives me anxiety and even after 12 years I never got used to his loud voice yelling at me over anything. Him missing a sock would become my fault and a reason to stand over me yelling and becoming even more angry at me for not looking in his eyes when he's yelling at me. He's over 6ft tall and I'm 5'2". So I would go to my journal to "vent" because it's all I had,  but even that became another reason to (I guess it's called) "rage", and he would use this loud intimidating tone "What are you writing?" "Are you writing about me"?  it put me in such a state of fear I couldn't even defend myself. I would try to make a sentence and he would just cut me off with more insane questions. I just wanted the horrible feeling I felt to go away.
And they have. Not because he's finally changed. It's because I finally have.
Every day that goes by without him I put a smiley face on my calendar! And I write in my journal when ever I feel like it. I actually keep one on my night stand and in my living room. Where there is no more drama. Not since he's been gone. My home is filled with music (that's also something he didn't like) He liked if for himself. In my four runner. But not for me. So theses days I get to journal, listen to music, talk on the phone with my son or my best friend without him standing there making me me feel uncomfortable listening to my conversation.
I also don't have to keep a password on my iPad or laptop. I never had anything to hide. Or so I thought, I want aware that for so many years one of his ways to gas-light me was to change every single password. It's amazing how many passwords you actually use every day. It's something I had taken for granted until I could not get into a single account, not even Facebook. Nothing. It got to the point that I literally did not use my brand new MacBook because it because useless. I could use it to google something and that was all. I had no idea how I could keep forgetting my own passwords. They were even stored in the computer. I thought I was completely incompetent. He had locked me out of my online banking so many times that I got to the point where I was to embarrassed to call my bank. Because I looked insane and I felt it to. And mean time he would be in the dining room fully aware of what was going on. What HE was doing to me.
But all that's over now and when I say I appreciate all the little things, I really mean it!

[cbm419]

So I would go to my journal to "vent" because it's all I had,  but even that became another reason to (I guess it's called) "rage", and he would use this loud intimidating tone "What are you writing?" "Are you writing about me"?  it put me in such a state of fear I couldn't even defend myself. I would try to make a sentence and he would just cut me off with more insane questions. I just wanted the horrible feeling I felt to go away.

This! heaven forbid he would consider what actions he is/has done to trigger you to need a venting journal.  If I was making a loved one so constantly upset that they had to journal about it, I might start considering how, in the future, I should behave differently.  But no such luck with these people.  To them, this need to vent is because you just don't understand them, or there is some internal flaw in you.

My ex once found out I was on this site and threw a fit.  He hated all the (true and factual) things I was writing about and saw it as me publicly airing our (his) dirty laundry.

never once thought that this is an anonymous board.

The craziness of it all.  I will say, I know you came here to get support for your current feelings, but if it makes you feel any better, part of me is actually jealous of you having all of this time away from the relationship.  It sounds like you've got a real peace of mind, and have been able to find lots of positive ways to self affirm and soothe.  I may begin to adopt some of your techniques as I really need to heal, its been several months since we ended it, after nearly a year on/off.  we still have some light contact (i dont want to go No contact on him because then he will try to reach me through mutual friends or begin pestering my parents, which is not okay. Usually if i answer a text reminding him we are 100% done he goes away). 

But i feel so down, so empty all the time.  normal relationships dont provide all the extreme highs and lows i got from him (which is, we would all agree, a GOOD THING). But now that I'm "sober" from my ex, the withdrawal is killing me.  I have very little interest in meeting a new partner, or even having casual sex like i know he is now doing.  He had this way of making me feel so attracted to him that it feels like I'll never recapture that now.  its crappy.

[lovenature]

It's been so hard accepting there was nothing I could attribute. Nothing I could call inherently my fault.

Figuring out who I am and who I will be is my primary purpose now.

I would say from what I have learned that my fault lied in not respecting myself enough to walk away from the relationship far earlier than I did, instead I tried so hard to make it work, and the harder you try (and the closer you get), the worse it gets.

Our part in it is very important to learn; there are reasons we put our ex's ahead of ourselves continually, learning why gives us the chance for a better way of life.

[cbm419]

I would say from what I have learned that my fault lied in not respecting myself enough to walk away from the relationship far earlier than I did, instead I tried so hard to make it work, and the harder you try (and the closer you get), the worse it gets.

Our part in it is very important to learn; there are reasons we put our ex's ahead of ourselves continually, learning why gives us the chance for a better way of life.

Yes to "the closer your get, the worst it gets."

I really failed to conceive this inside the relationship and am only coming to terms with it now that its over and I am reflecting.

Its so true. In our last 1.5 years together, things were supposed to be finally coming together.  for the first part of our relationship, he lived a good 40 minute drive from my apartment in nyc. We both had busy schedules that were sometimes mismatched, so our time together would be limited and short.  Like hanging out from 10pm-5am (when he had to go on public transit, then drive back home to get to work on time) a few nights during the work week.  then more time on the weekends. During this time, everything "seemed" perfect.  I say seemed, because he would occasionally cheat on me, or i would find him trawling a sex app/dating site.  It was fairly forgivable, i thought-  he was a bit younger than me and I rationalized that he was "still growing up" a bit.  And most of these events were contained to our first 4 months together and tapered off.

then, 1.5 years in, he was able to move to the city, get his own place. This was when it was all supposed to finally work.  Nearly unlimited time together.  freely sharing a bed all night, every day, without the odd hours or 5am departures.  Our schedules would be lined up too.  

Well, three days before moving- he cheated on me, 3 times. each day leading up to it.  I was dumbfounded. I was shocked.

in retrospect it all makes sense. upon his arrival to my city i became victim to his escalation. suddenly, rages appeared. each episode of rage was then met with an instance of cheating.

when it came to full fruition- he would cheat on me several times a month when he was in my city.  this was when all was supposed to come together, when our relationship was supposed to bloom and blossom into what we both idealized.

but this did not happen.  when he was in my city, i was forced to accept so much. so many cheats. so much abuse.  the anger became physical. any boundary enforcement was met with an attack - if i asked him to leave, he would do so and immediately engage in casual sex... .find a bar or a person on a sex app to play with. this became my punishment.

accept his rage, or suffer the consequences. it was a sick dynamic. i always thought- if i just love him harder, apologize enough- i wont be cheated on.  i began to take responsibility for my own abuse. i began to accept it was "all my fault".

and in all of this, i was physically attacked.  several black eyes, bruises all over. when pushed to limits he became a carnal creature, he would head-butt. he would bite into my flesh and tear it back and forth, i still have scars from those moments.  i have had to pay 50k in plastic surgery from his abuse, slamming my face when i was begging for him to embrace fidelity.  i now am deep in therapy to absolve what happened.

everything just got worse. and now, distanced from our relationship... .i am learning that the closer we became, the worse everything grew.  once he was home... .once he was in my city where we could snuggle and have sex every night... .that is when it all got so bad.

it hurts.  it is such a mind f*CK. I am so scarred.

[michel71]

CMB... .I feel horrible for you and what you had to endure. Nobody deserves what you have gone through. I don't really know what to say except that all of us here support you. I hope that 2017 is really "your year" filed with good health and happiness.

[lovenature]

cbm, I am so sorry to hear what awful abuse you have endured. Don't ever believe it was your fault. Cheating, and abuse of any kind (especially physical) is NEVER acceptable! You are a kind hearted, loving person who tried so hard to make it work with someone that has a serious mental illness.
Love yourself for who you are so this never happens to you again.

Best wishes for the new year.