Should one overlook the mistreatment they faced because of an exBPD's disorder?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey Everyone!

Glad I found this forum. It really helped me with some of the questions I had immediately following my breakup with my undiagnosed exBPD girlfriend.

To make a long story short… it went from me believing that I genuinely found my soulmate to walking on eggshells around her, believing that her behaviour was simply stress and suggesting that she goes to therapy for it, to ultimately realizing that there will be no going back to the way that she made me feel in the beginning and that she should get psychiatric help. After doing my research, even though I am no medical professional, her behaviour fit the profile of a person with BPD to a T. The way she reacted to situations, the patterns of the fights we had, the withdrawal of affection/sex were all things that convinced me that it would be very unhealthy to continue the relationship.

We “mutually” ended the relationship a little over a month ago and shared the same idea to eventually become friends. I now realize that this is easier said than done. At first, I was relieved. Then, I became sad; I wanted to get back with her to help her for my own selfish reasons in hopes that she would “get better.” I overlooked the emotional abuse in the relationship and dismissed it as a byproduct of the undiagnosed disorder.

Now, I’m just plain angry. Looking back at the relationship, I can’t believe I was essentially a victim of emotional abuse. I often wonder if she even did love me? Did she sense that I could be manipulated? My self-esteem has taken quite a hit and I wonder where empathy has a role in all this.

Should one overlook the mistreatment they faced because of a partner’s personality disorder?

[Yocmille]

Hey Everyone!

Glad I found this forum. It really helped me with some of the questions I had immediately following my breakup with my undiagnosed exBPD girlfriend.

To make a long story short… it went from me believing that I genuinely found my soulmate to walking on eggshells around her, believing that her behaviour was simply stress and suggesting that she goes to therapy for it, to ultimately realizing that there will be no going back to the way that she made me feel in the beginning and that she should get psychiatric help. After doing my research, even though I am no medical professional, her behaviour fit the profile of a person with BPD to a T. The way she reacted to situations, the patterns of the fights we had, the withdrawal of affection/sex were all things that convinced me that it would be very unhealthy to continue the relationship.

We “mutually” ended the relationship a little over a month ago and shared the same idea to eventually become friends. I now realize that this is easier said than done. At first, I was relieved. Then, I became sad; I wanted to get back with her to help her for my own selfish reasons in hopes that she would “get better.” I overlooked the emotional abuse in the relationship and dismissed it as a byproduct of the undiagnosed disorder.

Now, I’m just plain angry. Looking back at the relationship, I can’t believe I was essentially a victim of emotional abuse. I often wonder if she even did love me? Did she sense that I could be manipulated? My self-esteem has taken quite a hit and I wonder where empathy has a role in all this.

Should one overlook the mistreatment they faced because of a partner’s personality disorder?

[hope2727]

Hello and welcome. I am sorry this has all happened to you. I am glad you are learning about these matters and taking care of yourself.

In response to your question no I do not believe we should ever excuse abuse. The people in my life who are recovering addicts, or receiving from mental illness will tell you that personal responsibility for their actions is part of that recovery.

I personally found understanding the nature of my abuse very difficult. I was referred to the following website and found it extremely helpful. Perhaps you can do some reading there to clarify your thoughts.

All the best to you and Merry Christmas. I hope your day is peaceful.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/victim_role.html

www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

[lovenature]

Welcome Yocmille  

I often wonder if she even did love me? Did she sense that I could be manipulated? My self-esteem has taken quite a hit and I wonder where empathy has a role in all this.

Should one overlook the mistreatment they faced because of a partner’s personality disorder

I believe she loved you as best as she was able to; PWBPD so desperately want a close, loving, intimate relationship but sadly their disorder prevents them from having it.

Manipulation is a result of the disorder running it's course with a partner who cares about the PWBPD and wants to help them, and make the relationship work. We allow the manipulation to occur by staying in the relationship.

My self esteem and confidence was absolutely devastated. PWBPD aren't capable of the same empathy we are because they make up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment, and it goes for the past, present, and future. They just can't soothe their intense emotions and put their partner's feelings ahead of their own.

One should NEVER overlook the mistreatment they faced because of a mental illness; while we should realize they didn't intentionally want to hurt us, they are adults who are responsible for their actions. Unfortunately BPD is a disorder that exists to deny itself, if they took responsibility for hurting us and their part in the failure of the relationship, the shame would be so overwhelming for them that their disorder prevents them from ever feeling it.

[marvelless]

It is so difficult watching someone you love go through the motions of BPD. I myself always wanted to fix my ex and thought that if I loved him or supported him enough he wouldn't feel the need to act that way any longer. Now that I recognize he is uBPD I go from feeling extreme anguish and guilt over abandoning him (which is of course his worst fear and what his illness is built around) and absolute anger at the way treats those who love him and stay by his side even through his volatility. I don't have any advice but I do know where you are coming from. He loved me in the best way he knew how but unfortunately his love turned me into a victim.

[GlennT]

Borderlines, Narcissists, Sociopaths, all come under the label of Psychopath. Psychopaths have no remorse, empathy, compassion, whatsoever. They live only to manipulate us for their own gain. You fell in love with an ACT, carefully crafted to Work you, to make you dependent. When the MASK came off, the person you loved had died, and became the Psychopath. Now, they have moved on... this is what they do.They are predators, do not forget this.  Do not overlook the shame, confusion, guilt, anger, anxiety, massive stress, uncomparable emotional pain, and doubt. I nearly lost it at one point. This is how you know you've been with a BPD Psychopath. They are not like a regular break-up. They want to destroy you, and possibly come back for seconds if you let them. Remember, they lack a core human capacity for consistent, emotional empathy and love. They may act emotional, but it has all been learned on a stage. Do not believe them. So, please, do not overlook what they have done to you, and can do.

[Duped 1]

I have read many times where people have stated that the pwBPD did not mean to hurt them. While this may be true in some situations, it is certainly not true in all. There were many situations w my ex gf where she was clearly trying to hurt me and would never apologize for her poor behavior.

In regard to the abuse, whenever I tried to hold her accountable for it or get her to acknowledge it the conflict would escalate or she would start crying and badmouth me to her family and I became the abusive villain.

[GlennT]

Regular people do not really want to destroy you and cause massive pain like the BPD Psychopath. But sometimes,  no one will believe how rotten they've treated you,  because they lie about you, as they shine around others, and become totally sweet and docile again. It's all an act. You see, what they fear most is being discovered for what they are because it's an inconvenience to start again with a new life and social group, if they don't have another victim lined up.