stbxBPDw read my emails

[michel71]

I accidentally left my computer on when I was in the shower. She read emails where I basically vented about the worst things about her and her daughter.

Background story: In my other posts but basically she is moving out next week. It was going to be amicable and she even suggested that we might try to work on our relationship. I admit I had a glimmer of hope. I really do still love her but there has been so much damage. It has been unbearable. We both needed a break. Constant arguing. Constant stress.

Despite her violating my privacy ( this is the second time she has done so. The first time she hacked into my cell phone), I feel horrible for the things that she read. If she ever figured out who I was on this site she would really have a field day.

She then blocked my calls and texts. Took me off Facebook. No big deal with that because long ago she removed all trace of me anyway on her page, like she was single. But she told me that the only way she was going to communicate with me now was via email.

So I emailed her a heartfelt apology. But what is done is done. I couldn't explain away the things that I said except to say that I was venting and I thought it was private.

I feel absolutely horrible. She is completely done with me now. Pretty much hates me. We had been doing pretty well too in terms of no arguing and I was helping her shop for stuff for her new place ( kinda weird but true).

Any words of advice will be great. Its Christmas and I am really down. She told me a month ago that she didn't want to spend Christmas with me so I went out of town.

And I bought her a really nice gift for Christmas anyway just because we were getting on better and I wanted to buy her something. She didn't want me to but I did it anyway. So there it sits under the tree. Not sure if she opened it. She probably didn't and I am afraid to send her another email because she told me to basically leave her alone.

[hurting300]

So you feel bad because SHE violated your privacy? Don't feel bad. So how is this making you feel?

[michel71]

Much like how it has been all along, I get to a point where I feel sorry for her especially when I have hurt her legitimately and not something in her imagination. I know I should be more angry for her violating my privacy than for feeling sorry that it hurt her because I didn't intend to hurt her. Those emails were PRIVATE.
I am just very emotional today and being cut off so abruptly by her has sent me into a tailspin. If you read my other recent emails I think I said that I am handling her moving out very well. Maybe it was because I was going to keep some contact with her and could "ween" myself off of her over time.
You know we become attached to these people, unhealthy or not, I still considered it a marriage, perhaps not a good one but I have known her for 5 years. It is hard to just quit "COLD TURKEY". Like others have said on this board it feels like quitting heroin.

[hurting300]

Much like how it has been all along, I get to a point where I feel sorry for her especially when I have hurt her legitimately and not something in her imagination. I know I should be more angry for her violating my privacy than for feeling sorry that it hurt her because I didn't intend to hurt her. Those emails were PRIVATE.
I am just very emotional today and being cut off so abruptly by her has sent me into a tailspin. If you read my other recent emails I think I said that I am handling her moving out very well. Maybe it was because I was going to keep some contact with her and could "ween" myself off of her over time.
You know we become attached to these people, unhealthy or not, I still considered it a marriage, perhaps not a good one but I have known her for 5 years. It is hard to just quit "COLD TURKEY". Like others have said on this board it feels like quitting heroin.

My friend, believe me I know how it feels to be "cut off" without notice. These people don't think about their actions and how they affect you. See now we are on here posting during CHRISTMAS. It's been two years for me and honestly you'll get threw this and be happy and better for it. The cut off is why you're hurting.

[michel71]

Thank you. i think you are right.

[CooperD]

Hi Michel,

Keep strong friend - I remember when my BPD read messages I had sent about  her and yes I felt guilty/bad for a period of time to have discussed  her behind her back.

My ex was almost pathological in her attemtps to violate my privacy - from requesting that  I let her have my telephone for a few hours per day so she could check on me / to always trying to get on to my phone when I was in the shower or if I fell asleep.  I had nothing to hide but it made no difference to her.

From my perspective which may apply to you - so she read messages that you had sent - does that pale into insignificance compared to all the other very real things she has done to hurt you and cause you pain ?

My ex saw me write that she was crazy to a friend but you know what that message came only  as a consequence of her threatening to accuse me of raping her and of her deliberately calling my elderly parents to tell them i was suicidal.

Stay strong

[hurting300]

Thank you. i think you are right.

Please don't over think ok? Realize you may have done wrong yes, but was it bad enough to be cut off?

[michel71]

Well the latest is that she has "unblocked" me and has communicated with me. Only short sentences. Nothing about feelings or emotions. Its crazy to even admit this, let alone want this, but I wondered if she might even end her texts with hearts like she used to.
I am glad Christmas is over. It was a hard day. Emotional. I was better today but maybe only because I got a little "dose" of her. Even if it was not warm and fuzzy, it will still her.
My best friend is really frustrated with me and doesn't know how I could possibly still love this woman. I need the emotional support but I keep trying to explain all things BPD. I think other posters on here have also said how other folks just don't understand like we do.
I wonder if the texts from my wife is her "softening" or maybe just her own fear of abandonment. I guess I will know when I get back into town.
At some point we will meet to discuss or maybe just talk on the phone.
Thank you all for your great comments.

[Fr4nz]

You know Michel,

as far as I see it, the problem is very simple: yes, perhaps reading the email hurt her... .however, as it is usual with BPDs, she didn't question her behaviours, she didn't have the minimum remorse for the ways she treated you. Instead, she is blaming you (as usual) and punishing you with the usual, childish silence treatment. All in all, this underlines her selfishness and lack of empathy; or, it is possible that shame feelings ensued after reading the emails, and the usual defence mechanisms kicked in -- in her mind, she has to be the "victim", not you!

As such, the only way to deal with her is to establish no contact. There is really no way to reason with them, once the switch "flips".
Seize this opportunity to block any means of communication, find a T if you feel it can help, and, especially, focus on yourself.

A big hug, it will pass!

[michel71]

Thank you. When I get back into town I am going to resume with my T. I miss her already. My heart aches. I don't even know what the future looks like. Seems bleak and empty. I made her my world. How do I "un-do" that. I know she is disordered but I still love her so damn much.

[kentavr3]

ExBPDw went through my bags, my mail, my phone. She was looking for anything that could put me down. They all do this.