42 yrs old want to heal myself

[Biddybrown]

I always have been on meds or in therapy because I've been told most of my adult life that I'm crazy and to some extent I am. I have bipolar disorder the highest high and lowest low, but I have just started to understand that my mother is borderline with narcissistic traits. Im an only child, cause one was enough for her. I had a great childhood till about 9 yrs old because my grandparents had me most of the time. I've just started putting it all together that it's not my 3 ex husbands or current husband or my bipolar disorder, as I have been stable for sometime and doing well. I do have marital problems and that's how the borderline mother came to light for me. Now I'm overwlemed by all the decisions I need to make to be emotionally and physically safe. I haven't had much to do with my mother since my stepdad passed in 2009, he was the only dad I knew. I was unstable and no one would listen to me so, my mom used everything against me. Took my children, my home, and pretty much stole my life. She had my kids with my ex husband for about 2 yrs. I finally got them back as they didnt fit into everyone elses life, so I picked up the pieces and tried to mend us. I thought I had recovered from that and in the last 8 months I began to mend my relationship with her. My mother has been living out of state for 6 years and now she is back living almost in my back yard. She can walk to my house.  She has been here 2 wks and already my son and I aren't talking because she underminded my boundaries in my house and took up for my 21 yr old sons disrespecting behavior in my home toward me. He does no wrong in her eyes. My 19 yr old daughter who had to move out of my mother's house was verbally attacked by her the first day she got here, about how ungrateful she is and threatened to throw her stuff in the yard. My mother plays the martyr to a t. If she does something for you you can bet you will owe her, even your opinion to match hers. I need help. I confided in my mother about my husband's affair and lying and thought I could trust her, but now she is here using everything against me, telling my kids I'm crazy and that they need someone that's not crazy to confide in. She pretty much let me get close to her by needing her for support just to stab me in my back. I feel trapped. I'm stable and I'm strong. I just have to make some decisions and normally that would be a fly by the set of my pants manic panic decisionI. BUT I have this cemented foot feeling. Thanks for letting me share. 

[Mutt]

Hi Biddybrown,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. That's hurtful that you tried to repair the r/s with you mom and she's saying inappropriate things to your kids.

It's out there now, i'm not sure what you said to the kids, it's something I'd discuss with them, I'd try to not give unwarranted attention about it to the kids and especially to your mom because negative attention is attention. I will eventuality die down I you don't validate it, that's a boundary that you can set for yourself. It's sad that you can't trust her, but she is who she is and you can't change that.

You were spot on when you said that she acts like a martyr. BPD Is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are not caused by their choices but they're caused externally by others, you could have a drama triangle with a third party ( the kids) that perpetuates the conflict if you choose sides because it polarized both sides, the best position to b in is to remain in the middle and not take either side.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, biddybrown!

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like there's a lot of painful history for you and that you're ready to start doing some deeper work to heal. I applaud that. I'm glad you already have a therapist to work with and that you're feeling stable in the treatment of your bi-polar. This is a good place to get feedback as you continue in your healing process. In the right-hand margin, you can see our Survivor's Guide. You can click on each step to see what might be coming next in your work. Where do you see yourself right now?

It sounds like you might have already thought about where your personal boundaries are and how you can take care of them. This article is a good place to start digging deeper: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order. It has a link to one of the workshops that helped me most when I first came here. It has been helpful for me to think of boundaries within the framework of my values.

All of us need someone in our lives we feel we can trust and confide in. Many of us have wished that person could be our mother or father. In my own life, I have learned that my parents just aren't safe. Luckily, I have been given other relationships with people who are stable and loving, and that has made the process much more bearable. Do you have a close friend you can confide in at times when you wish for a mother?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Biddybrown]

Thanks for the information and support. It's nice to know that other people understand. I have major trust issues so right now my only go to is my therapist. Thanks again!

[Janneke]

Welcome! This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. You are doing the right thing by keeping yourself healthy.

Maybe someone can link the article for you about "splitting" which is when a person with BPD sees one person as 'bad' and the other as 'good' (like your mom standing up for your son's poor behaviour toward you).

[P.F.Change]

We have lots of information about BPD in our Lessons tab at the top of the board. By request, here's a link to BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting