Do any of you ever worry you'll never get past this?

[Tosquinha]

Thank you to all who have responded to me in previous posts.  I meant to respond individually but things had been pretty busy.  Now all I have is time... .

Time and these non-stop, ongoing thoughts in my head.  I worry I will never get past any of this.  See, I was the "special" one to which none of her "powers" would ever be used on me.  7 years later (and a few blips in between, too) here I sit alone in my new home because well, it was HER house after all (we are legally married, 2.5 years) and I should be the one to uproot myself and my three children AGAIN (this is now the 5th move we've made for her... .moved to this state, moved out of HER house when she tried to recycle her ex at 1.5 years together, moved across the street 4 months later when that house came open, moved back into HER house when she felt that she could handle all of it again, and now this move back out of HER house because, oops, can't handle all of the kids, marriage was a mistake, blah blah blah, try to recycle 2 ex's and really, turns out the only person ever really recycled was me).

She's telling everyone that things are soo much better now that me and mine are gone because there's no chaos (which she self inflicted!).  She's out having a grand time, shopping with her 13 year old daughter while I sit alone in my new place with these stupid thoughts of her (I know this because a friend saw her).  She has NO idea where we are living.  She didn't ever even ask.  She did break her own NC by wishing me a merry christmas yesterday, but nothing after that.  SHE wants to meet the first week of the new year to go over a divorce settlement and truthfully I just want to tell her to kiss my a$$. 

Yes, this was an unhealthy relationship, one in which she's broken up with me many times to recycle an ex and eventually comes back, there was a domestic violence issue a couple months ago where she slapped the crap out of me in front of her kids and mine.  But the thing I can't get over?  How easy it is for them to walk away.  She's happy.  I'm mad, hurt, pissed, and I know that I cannot get past all of this as easily as she can.  She's split me black with pretty well everyone so I feel even more alone than before.

I do see a T, started a month or so ago when it seemed her stress level between work and kids was causing her meltdowns.  My T is on vacation until the second week of January so... .

I just want to scream.

[JerryRG]

These relationships change us for sure, I have a choice, focus on the positives or the negatives and accept this for what it was.

When I'm well I see the positives and how much I grew and changed myself to be the best I could for her. I am the one who came out ahead because I wanted to change and I have the capacity to change.

She's making the same mistakes, using the same play book.

I reached bottom quicker, she's still holding on to that last thread.

My whole life has changed for the better, I still have my pity parties and dwell on her crazy personality disorders, nothing I can do to help her, I would if I could. No amount of love can fix a mental illness.

It was all family of origin stuff for me, repeating failed relationships.

The answer is, we can move on, get well, the past is just that small mirror we look back into while the whole world is coming at us. Best to keep looking forward and enjoy each new day and experience.

I hope you feel better, you will get well if you keep moving forward

[Duped 1]

I worry I will never get past this. It's been 3 mos NC and she moved on immediately. This has been by far the worst depression of my life. Missed a bunch of work, lost almost 20 pounds, no interest in anything still, would sleep for 50 hours at a time on occasion and couldn't get out of bed. She watched me deteriorate all summer and showed absolutely zero compassion or empathy. She seemed irritated that I was so depressed. I don't know that I will ever trust anyone again as as soon as she earned my trust she treated me horribly and made me look like the villain to her family. I am at least getting out of bed and going to work these days but there have been times I wished I had just died and I still wish I would hear from her. I have passed her in traffic several times and it has triggered me terribly. I just cant understand the lack of humanity and cold cutoff considering what we were to each other. I have never known a more harsh and selfish person.

[Tobiasfunke]

I know I won't. Then again I'm not the person I was before all this. I'd compare it to life pre 9/11. I'd love to have my world back before all this but it's not reality. But also gone are the recycling and rages and eggshells as well. Life gets better but it's not the same. I guess this is the new normal. It's just a part of us.

[ShadowA]

Yeah, I worry about all the time.

[Portent]

Ill never be the man I was. Life with a BPD tears you apart. I will get past this. I will become a better person than I am now. But I will never again be the person I was.

[earlyL]

Yes, I really do. But I also know I have learnt so much about myself and I hope in time will be able to resolve a lot of my issues. I worry I will never trust anyone again and in some ways that I might miss the drama, but I think as someone said above you have to look at the positives, and let the negative waves come when they do but know they will also slowly get smaller.

[statsattack]

Bpd has given me ptsd. This nightmare never ends

[Keef]

I too feel I've changed. I feel some of my character traits (such as fear of being alone, fear of death etc) have been amplified, for the worse of course. That's not a place I want to be in. She got to the very core of me.

Today sucks so far. I couldn't care less about anything at all.

I won't be able to love someone romantically again for I don't know how long. I still have to find so-called true love after 5 years in a row of failed relationships with mentally unstable women. And before that happens I'll have to take a look at myself. I know I will learn more about myself from this and from sessions with the T I'm seeing. I kind of don't know who I am anymore. I'm not exactly proud of where I've ended up but I guess it was inevitable.

[once removed]

i didnt worry id never get past it, exactly. i had hope, and i invested all my energy and resources into the idea that some day id be totally over her, and an older, wiser, better version of myself. i took that hope for granted, and it sustained me.

but there were lots of times i worried i didnt have it in me to make it to that point. for months, i only seemed to get worse. i saw no fruits of my labor, which i imagine would have gone a long way.

there was even a time i didnt really want to get past it. i didnt want to let her go. i even rationalized that i was only letting go of the prior relationship, that wed be together again. whatever i had to tell myself to get through; it was a dark time.

the thing i can tell you matter of fact, is that it does get better. you can sit in a room and do nothing but play video games for the next half year, and it will get better. the attachment will lessen. the trauma will lessen. the thoughts will lessen and hold less meaning. thats what time does.

what will give your recovery the most meaning is what you do with that time. make your recovery priority number one, and invest in it, and yourself, and you will see returns.

during all of this pain, its probably impossible to see the big picture. once i was a year or two out, i could look back and see even the worst, most painful, and most stagnant parts of my recovery as progress, and as necessary processing. all that endless rumination i wrote down added up to something. the pain, at its worst, was the only way through.

people at the time would tell me id made more progress than i could see, and it felt invalidating, because i couldnt see it. and im not sure i wanted to yet. a turning point came when someone told me they were rooting for me - and then i began to root for myself. i realized i was indeed strong. that id already survived. that i had much more to live for.

i remember after the ex and i broke up, i was so desperate to never feel that pain again. and the truth is, i probably never will, in the same way. so much of that pain was the pain of failure. failure of the self, and the ways i had constructed - ways that had in some way worked for me, until they didnt. maturity, growth, facing ones self, these are usually not a painless process. this pain taught me that they are a part of life, temporary, that i will survive, and that if i invest myself, they will be fruitful.

they also taught me that fear of pain only holds me back. i dont mean that we should be cavalier, repeat our mistakes, or go looking for trouble, hardly. but i had to accept that i will almost certainly be hurt again. i will make mistakes. and ill live, and ill learn. and thats freedom, the final state of detachment.

of course none of this happened over night. i "got over" the relationship after about a year. and then i made, in retrospect, some pretty stupid mistakes, and i did get hurt. so many of the lessons, and self improvement, did not come for years after, when i was ready.

and now its been just short of six years since we broke up, and it feels like a life time. and here i am; the same person at my core, but older, wiser, better. a survivor. my ex a distant, indifferent memory, though still one of the hardest things i ever had to go through, maybe ever will, and surviving one of the things i think i will always be proudest of myself for.

you will get through it too. first the relationship must be grieved and mourned, and the person let go of, a process all in its own. there is no timeline for that, it takes what it takes, and its a bitter pill to swallow. the wounds of the relationship, the deep sense of rejection, the trauma of the relationship, and the often traumatic way they tend to end, then must be depersonalized, detached from, and let go.

and then life moves on, however it moves; sometimes painfully, or lonely, or slowly, or lets say numbly, for lack of a better word. this is where you can begin to turn your focus and energy to you and move from survivor to thriver. its up to you at that point to take what youve learned, hopefully continue to learn, and create a brighter future with healthier relationships. this is the stage where all the pain morphs into joy and appreciation, of life, of others, of yourself, perhaps even for what youve been through.

im rooting for you; all of you.

[Aesir]

Yes I do. I've spent a large part of my adult life trying to make my relationship work. The break ups and the chaos had unbelievably become normal on some level. Now... I'm kind of in a free fall. I understand this is for the best but I don't know how to get around the emotional drain and let down.

The trick right now is how do I concentrate and live my life for ME again.

[talks to angels]

So sorry you are going through this. I hope you are doing a little better in the new year.
As all of us are learning it takes time. As one person put it : just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other.
I stopped thinking that I will be back to my self before all of this. It is such a profound hurt that I have accepted that I will be forever changed. As others I too developed CPTSD from this relationship. I try not to fight the feelings when they happen now, but I also try not to let them linger. If I feel my mind going in the loop of crazy analyzing what happened, I grab my kindle and start reading. If my brain is not in the right moment I'll re read a book I enjoyed in the past so that it doesnt take too much concentration.
From what I read depending on the time exposed, it is normal for it to take 18 months to start feeling healed. Try to be patient and kind to yourself.

[lovenature]

I just cant understand the lack of humanity and cold cutoff considering what we were to each other. I have never known a more harsh and selfish person.

Hey Duped, don't forget it is a serious mental illness she has; it goes against everything you/we ever knew about basic human nature, only stands to reason it will take what it takes for us to recover.