I would like to get to a point where we can communicate again

[mitti]

Hi forum,  I feel new though I am not.

Posting here since I still have some kind of r/s to my uBPDexbf though we split up some time ago and he has been silent treating me for a while. He has in the past and it can last for months and then slowly we regain contact and he can no longer remember why.

Our social circles overlap and we go to the same places and have the same interests. I know many more people at these places than he does but he is now going there a lot more frequently and his silent treatment of me is becoming difficult to cope with. I have so far adjusted around it so as to not cause him, or myself, any embarrassment but it is also partly to avoid judgement because people never really understand how damaging and stressful silent treatment is and expect you to just ignore it.  

He seems to be reaching out in some very strange ways through social media, very much behind the scenes and not openly and I notice a change when I see him out also, but he has not responded to my Xmas greeting. I don't think he is angry anymore. He avoids me but keeps turning up, by himself, to places he knows I go to.

I would like to get to a point where we can communicate again, especially since I see things so differently now and would like to tell him. I think it would make him feel better about what happened. But I feel scared of rejection and so I keep avoiding contact when I see him out also, which I feel pretty sure he takes as rejection.

Not sure what to do. I don't know how to not fear rejection.

Also, I remember there used to be another forum for people with BPD and I received a lot of help to understand my ex from people there. Does anybody know of such a forum?

Thanks  

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[Curiously1]

I would like to get to a point where we can communicate again... .

What would you like to tell him? What are you seeing differently?
You sound like you are trying to be friends with someone who is incapable of  being a good friend to you.
Fear of rejection is normal. My suggestion is to not tie the silent treatment with your self-esteem, self worth. We normally take the silent treatment to heart because it feels so personal. The silent treatment is used as a weapon to make us feel bad about ourselves and or overthink why they are giving it to us. It is done to cause you pain.

There is a site called psychforums.com and www.forums.psychcentral.com/ that you can ask people with BPD questions if you really want.

The most important thing to remember is how you feel. We get too caught up in the minor details of them communicating with us indirectly on social media and so on wondering what it all means and wondering when the silence will end. Getting excited when it does end too. Don't walk on eggshells to be noticed by him. You do not need his validation to feel ok. You don't need him to unsilence you to feel ok. Based on how he treates people, the value of his friendship sounds only mediocre at best.

[mitti]

Hi Curiously1, thanks for your response.

I see my part differently. I see that I can forgive, and have forgiven, him and that the past doesn't define me, or how I feel about him, or even him. He feels so much shame and guilt for what happened between us and I think he deserves to feel better, to not feel that he ruined me/us.

Our r/s took me to a place in my life where I could finally deal with infant and childhood trauma that has tormented me all my life. I see now that he was a reflection of some very deep issues within my own self, though I do not exhibit typical BPD behaviours. I want to tell him he helped me, that I have no regrets. And I think it will help him heal also. He accepts that he has severe attachment issues and sees himself as flawed. He has so much self-loathing. I want him to know that I understand now that it isn't, and was never, a question of him being sick and me becoming a co-dependent victim. We both had very similar issues that we reflected in the other but displayed differently. I want him to know that knowing and loving him brought my own issues to the surface so that I could know and deal with them.

Yes, you are right that silent treatment feels so personal and hurts to the core of who we are. I read somewhere that it can cause brain damage. I don't think he is using silent treatment as a way to hurt me anymore, though he certainly did. It becomes a behaviour that he doesn't know how to break without triggering his own shame. When I see him out, I notice that he keeps looking over, where he places himself, almost walking up to me but then making a sharp turn walking away. It just seems fragile at the moment.

Of course you are right, I don't need his validation to feel ok, but I want the silent treatment to end. Mostly I just want us to be able to communicate again. I miss him. He may not sound like a good friend but he is, though not when silent treating me obviously.

But also I want to avoid unnecessary awkward moments, awkward not just for him and me, but also for others. The situation that we are in now going to the same places, him getting to know people that I know. He has buried his head in the sand and pretends this can be avoided but it can't. Sooner or later there will be situations where we have to interact with each other. It would be really awkward if, for example,  friends would assume we don't know each other and introduce us and then learn we had a long committed r/s for many years. I think he wants to get to a place where we can communicate but he just doesn't know how. Getting there feels like maneuvering through a minefield of triggers and reactive behaviours, from both. It becomes tricky and stressful to have to deal with in a social setting.

Thank you so much for the link though it seems to have been taken down. Perhaps it is just temporary. I will try again.

[Curiously1]

I want to tell him he helped me, that I have no regrets.

Hi Mitti,
It's great to hear that you were able to improve certain aspects of yourself through your experience being in a relationship with him.

How did he help you by the way? I am sure most of it was you personally discovering more of you. I'd thank yourself too.

Remember that you don't necessarily have to verbally thank someone for being a part of your own healing. You certainly can though if you feel that you would really like to. I just don't think it is a must. Also remember that you cannot change how he feels. I totally resonate with you with wanting to heal somebody else and make themselves feel less badly about themselves after what they did. I think it comes as part and parcel of having a  caring and compassionate nature. About his feelings of shame. We don't know how deep that is and or if it had much to do with what happened between you two anymore. It could be so many things. But maybe you are right. Maybe he does need to know that you forgive him at least. We can't guarantee that will make things all better for him but maybe that kind gesture will at least  put your mind at ease and feel like you did the best you can as a friend. Also, you really can't do much but approach him, right?  Show that you are open to be approached or send a letter if you want. My suggestion to you is to keep it casual like telling him you miss chatting and wondering what he is up to or feeling nowadays. But whatever you do, I hope that it will not end up make yourself feel too badly afterwards.

Try this:  https://forums.psychcentral.com/
www.psychforums.com/

[mitti]

Hi Mitti,
It's great to hear that you were able to improve certain aspects of yourself through your experience being in a relationship with him.

How did he help you by the way? I am sure most of it was you personally discovering more of you. I'd thank yourself too.

Hi Curiously1, and thank you.

To be honest, it was the r/s with him that made me have to confront issues within myself I didn't even have an idea I was carrying. I was inspired, by responding to your last post here, to share on the inventory forum https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303387.0 He is unaware of this of course but he also helped me and supported me in other ways. He never, not even once, not even when in the push phase, rejected me for having negative feelings and expressing those, something I was not permitted to do as a child, and as a grownup often been rejected for. He made me feel good about myself and particularly about the things I disliked and felt the most self-conscious about in myself. And he is very helpful and caring, though that of course goes out the window when dysregulated.

Thank you for the reminder to thank myself also. Yes, self-appreciation is paramount. Which is another thing he taught me, to dare to see to my own needs first, though he liked my co-dependency and putting him first of course, .

Remember that you don't necessarily have to verbally thank someone for being a part of your own healing. You certainly can though if you feel that you would really like to. I just don't think it is a must. Also remember that you cannot change how he feels. I totally resonate with you with wanting to heal somebody else and make themselves feel less badly about themselves after what they did. I think it comes as part and parcel of having a  caring and compassionate nature. About his feelings of shame. We don't know how deep that is and or if it had much to do with what happened between you two anymore. It could be so many things. But maybe you are right. Maybe he does need to know that you forgive him at least. We can't guarantee that will make things all better for him but maybe that kind gesture will at least  put your mind at ease and feel like you did the best you can as a friend. Also, you really can't do much but approach him, right?  Show that you are open to be approached or send a letter if you want. My suggestion to you is to keep it casual like telling him you miss chatting and wondering what he is up to or feeling nowadays. But whatever you do, I hope that it will not end up make yourself feel too badly afterwards.

I have seen him suffering so much from terrible anxiety, shame and guilt. He used to always take all of the blame and see me as perfect and totally blameless, and I let him. He deserves to know and feel that I not only forgive him but that I have equal 'blame'. I may not have done what he did but I had other copying mechanisms that didn't make things easier for either of us.

I will probably reach out in some way. I decide often I will do it tomorrow, and then the next day I no longer feel so brave. I am not worried about what he will say if we talk, he wouldn't respond unless he wanted to talk to me. So phoning might be better than texting. I will leave it for tomorrow. 

Try this:  https://forums.psychcentral.com/
www.psychforums.com/

Thanks, yes this was the one. I asked something there years ago and it was very helpful.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know how to not fear rejection.

I think you are hoping to find a way for rejection not to hurt, so you don't have to fear it.

  I wish I could tell you a way around that one, but there isn't--rejection DOES hurt. The silent treatment is one of the most powerful forms of rejection there is, and yes, it hurts.

I think the best you can do is accept that he likely will reject you (again, or perhaps more than before), and it will hurt. Go ahead and take the risk when you believe you are strong enough to take that pain.

And you don't have to take that risk until you think you are strong enough.

[mitti]

Hi Grey Kitty and thank you for the response and your support.  

I realised exactly this yesterday, that rejection does hurt but that is fine because I also realised that it doesn't define me. It has nothing to do with my worth. And when I realised that I felt strangely empowered to act how I wanted regardless.

So yesterday I saw him out and I approached him. And we spoke. It wasn't the best conversation we have had, but he broke his silent treatment just like that, and he was interested to hear what I had to say though told me it didn't matter and he doesn't know if we can make peace. I said then that I was leaving the place (wanted to give him some space because I am sure he didn't expect for me to walk up to him like that and also to unstress myself) and he then suddenly just accused me of something he knows somebody else did to me in the past. The accusation was so off and felt really frustrating. I responded with my fool proof 'alibi' but he reiterated that I was the one to do it, and so I left without discussing it any further.

But I wonder what prompted him to make such a statement. What he accused me of is something that has bothered me a lot in the past, which he knows, so perhaps to make me angry, and/or engage me. Could it be that he said it as a response to my saying I was leaving, that somehow he felt rejected? I know he would never have talked to me yesterday, had he not wanted to.

[Grey Kitty]

Why did you so badly want to prove yourself "innocent" to him?

It sounds like he baited you into a bit of JADEing there, and he clearly hooked you with that accusation.

[mitti]

Why did you so badly want to prove yourself "innocent" to him?

Because what was done to me by this other person cost me basically everything and caused the latest break between him and me. I don't want to give any details here on a public forum but it was quite serious. So not sure how to put words to this, but it feels like betrayal. To be accused of abuse that was done to you feels like abuse in itself. Anyway, it is not so much that I want to prove myself innocent but that the truth be known and accepted.

It sounds like he baited you into a bit of JADEing there, and he clearly hooked you with that accusation.

He did. I responded twice and then realised it would serve no end so I left it. But it wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I realised that his motives are either to make me angry or this was a way he felt safe enough to engage with me.

[Grey Kitty]

Because what was done to me by this other person cost me basically everything and caused the latest break between him and me. I don't want to give any details here on a public forum but it was quite serious. So not sure how to put words to this, but it feels like betrayal. To be accused of abuse that was done to you feels like abuse in itself. Anyway, it is not so much that I want to prove myself innocent but that the truth be known and accepted.

When you've been in an intimate relationship for years, both of you can instinctively aim for the most vulnerable and tender spot. I know my wife did it for me. And I even did it to her a few times. I didn't even know how or why I did, but I know my aim was perfect even without any thought about it. This is true, BPD or not, although because of the disorder he may do it more often.

But what I was thinking was that he's had all sorts of distorted ideas about who you are and what you do, given the disorder. Can you just let him have those ideas and not need to correct them?

I just mean his ideas--if these distortions are going out to others in your community, you have things to address there.

[mitti]

When you've been in an intimate relationship for years, both of you can instinctively aim for the most vulnerable and tender spot. I know my wife did it for me. And I even did it to her a few times. I didn't even know how or why I did, but I know my aim was perfect even without any thought about it. This is true, BPD or not, although because of the disorder he may do it more often.

Yes, this is true and I believe most people have done something like that at one time or another, and so have I. He has admitted to me that he will deliberately look for whatever he knows will hurt me the most when he is feeling angry with me.

But what I was thinking was that he's had all sorts of distorted ideas about who you are and what you do, given the disorder. Can you just let him have those ideas and not need to correct them?

Even though it still bothers me, mostly because it shows there's still a conflict between us, I think I can, now, afterwards, just leave it be and let him have this idea. I know that he doesn't even truly believe what he accused me of. It is actually a totally preposterous accusation, a 5-year-old would know it is not true. But I didn't have time to think at the time, it came out of the blue, and I reacted. First we talked and he didn't even seem totally averse to the idea that we might bury the hatchet (him that is) and then out of nowhere... .

But yes, I can leave it, for now. When we do talk better, and I never mention it again, he will probably just act as though he never said it or make a joke about his own reaction. So yes I am fine with it. I actually sent him an email the day after, that what he said had baffled me as I don't know what to make of it but that I have left this 'thing' behind me. But then I followed with a repetition of what I wanted to tell him, and had, that day. He hasn't responded.

I just mean his ideas--if these distortions are going out to others in your community, you have things to address there.

And I don't actually think he talks to anybody about it. The more I think about it, the more I think it was just his reaction to being caught off guard, feeling vulnerable and/or rejected as I was leaving and just not having anything else to say.

Not sure how to proceed but I think I will just say "hi" when I see him next and see how he responds.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, it sucks. And it is the way he is.

When it comes to talking to him about such things, I found a bit of peace by thinking of what I wanted to say... .and asking myself "What possible good can come of saying this?"

Yeah, I knew that there would be some satisfaction at the effort to set the record straight, or whatever... .I've tried it enough times to be able to imagine the actual outcome and response I would get.