I couldn't help myself yesterday, I wrote to her

[Keef]

Hello folks,

Just want to remind you of the risks with breaking the famous No Contact. The relationship with my uBPDx ended around 5 weeks ago and since then we've had very sparse mail-contact.

Guess what? I couldn't help myself yesterday, I wrote to her. No accusations or anything, just some good old "WHY DID YOU DO IT (meaning why did she in an ice-cold way decide to leave me by throwing me out of her apartment without remorse, even though [or maybe "all because"] her psychiatric evaluation was under way and since meds for her Bipolar II finally have been administered)?"

Guess what? Did my contacting her and her responding help me in my healing? F**k no.
By now I want to kick and scream. Like an effin baby.

How common is an answer like this: "If it's necessary that we really end this for good it'd be the best that we did just that. But I hope to see you soon again, and that we'll be able to see eachother, and build another kind of relationship. A friendly one, since such a boring definition as 'friendly' apparently is necessary."

From what I've learnt and read this kind of approach is to be awaited. Those words above are not my words. Hers. She, who could not stand me at times now "wishes" to remain friends! And then: "I miss you and I'm of course thinking of you a lot, thinking of what's been and that we'll soon be able to see eachother again".

She ends the e-mail with referring to her obvious needs of engaging in an open relationship, something she >imagined< I would be fine with. I never complied to that - I hated the idea, whilst she apparently never let go of it!

There is more to her e-mail, but I won't bore you with it.

I don't know... I really want to write her about these apparent misunderstandings, such as a continuing friendship... .Terrible  

Shall I just let the hurt and feelings of longing subside? I've already written a reply, but I have only saved it as a draft. Seems to me she's balancing between an honest and a corrupted way of writing! Half of her way of writing belongs to her, the other half I really can't relate to! The coldness, the shut-down-ness!

[Keef]

Half of her way of writing belongs to her, the other half I really can't relate to!

Please let me correct myself - I meant ALL of her way of writing belongs to her. But as you probably know, the writing WOULD be full of paradox and quite devoid of coherence. It's so f*****g sad. I really don't know what she's on about - and neither does she :-/

[Skip]

Keef,

Your emotions are raw and you are very hurt. Know that and know that every thing you see is heavily biased by those emotions.

Why not just post her note and let others help you make sense of it. To be honest, the snippets you provide sound more conciliatory than antagonistic. Not reconciling, but not a shut out and blame-fest. She uses the words "if this is really over".

Your sense that your note "Why did you do it?" is not accusatory, might not be how most readers would feel if they received it?

What answer were you looking for?

Skip

PS: This stuff hurts. As hard as it is, we are all hoping to be more mature in the breakup than in the relationship - and that's challenging.

[Keef]

Part of what I'm saying: please stay no contact when you've initiated it, if you break it you'll be in contact sooner or later - don't do it if you wish to avoid more confusion and hurt.

[Skip]

This is a little like a bloodied person in a car wreck screaming at oncoming traffic to drive safely... .probably not the time or place.  

Why not dig into your own "car wreck" here and get a balanced and centered perspective on what happened today? Get help processing this.

[Keef]

Yes Skip, I'm hurt. Very hurt. 

So here goes, here's her e-mail, you who read this, make what you will of it. As for her accusations, I won't go into those details. They were and have been outrageous. I'm pulling my hair over that she can keep such a composed tone of writing after the dysfunctional relationship we engaged in. I admit we were nor good for eachother, we got to the core of eachother at times. Very painful. But I never wanted to hurt her feelings even if I probably did at times, whereas she continually did that to me and used her persona against me. I never got to the point of seeing others or disengaging very much, whilst she actually screwed someone else while we dated and continually brought up the topic of open relationships and screwing others just because she was unhappy with my helping her. Ok. I'm hurt. Here's her final sensitive e-mail:

XXX [my proper name]
I was really over our relationship before it ended.
This being for different reasons of course, but foremost that my feelings faded when you lied the first time, and then a little more for each time after that. I'm clearly not attracted by that, I see it as cowardice. But everybody has bad traits? Yes, absolutely. But this is a behaviour I don't want to deal with in a close relationship. That, and really, your mother's jealousy. These were the two biggest turn-offs for me.

So why did I stay?

I stayed cos I didn't want it to be that way. I stayed cos I thougth "ok, I'm not as much in love as before, and I've seen things I really don't like, but maybe this is the way things turn out when the honeymoon is over... ."
Cos I wanted so much to keep what we've had. Hard to know. I still liked you so much you know.

Anyway I somewhat fooled myself, cos it really never stopped feeling bad. I've always seen honesty as the most important in human interaction. Trust and confidence is the only thing that exists between people, the only thing one could build on.

I miss you and am thinking of you a lot, of course. Thinking of what have been, that you're ok, and that we'll soon meet again.

But I don't miss our relationship at all. I'm done with it. Sorry if it makes you feel bad. I've been treating this continually for 1 1/2 month, and I'm sure now.

If it's best that we break this totally I think we should.

But I hope to be able to see you soon again, and that we'll be able to see eachother and build another kind of relationship. A friendly one, since such a boring definition apparently is necessary.

You know, I wanted to try an open relationship, right at the start if you remember, but I saw that it wouldn't be possible since we didn't have the straight communication needed. And, of course, that you didn't want it.

We wanted very different things from our respective existences.

I thought these e-mails were only careful tunings, which has felt nice.
However if you've seen them as openings to put us back together - I feel good now, I already feel much better, I don't want to go back. I wish this for you: that you'll heal and find ways to cope. 

[Keef]

To be honest, the snippets you provide sound more conciliatory than antagonistic.

Yes, and that is somewhat bothering me. I don't understand her words. They don't fit with her actions.

[Keef]

Why not dig into your own "car wreck" here and get a balanced and centered perspective on what happened today? Get help processing this.

Sorry, but I do find this a little provocative. I'm seeing a therapist and really want to dig into my self. Because of the holidays there's a pause for two weeks, something I'm not too happy about. Do I seem unbalanced? I see that I may be unfit for giving certain advice to people I don't even know... I just thought I'd make others aware of the risks with breaking NC.

My ex's e-mail isn't apparently antagonistic. But I know her well and her tone is very much confusing me. I know we sometimes didn't really help eachother towards personal progress, but I just don't recognize the person writing me! It's uncanny!

Thanks for responding,
Keef

[Skip]

Anyway I somewhat fooled myself, cos it really never stopped feeling bad. I've always seen honesty as the most important in human interaction. Trust and confidence is the only thing that exists between people, the only thing one could build on.

I've shared this with other members - trust often comes up as the reason the person with BPD feels she ended the relationship. We often speculate a lot of other things, but this is often how your partner sees it. She believes it.

Sometimes we do things to break the trust. Other partners might be able to work through it, but a person with BPD traits is not usually that person. The "ideal" you is now flawed.

Sometimes, we didn't really do something to break the trust, but there was a "expectation" that was not met which felt like a "trust broken".  If she is hyper-vigilant about "trust" and anything can set it off, it's tough. A lot of "BPD" relationship fall to this. It is communicated as all your fault and anything she did was justified because of it.

She sounds like she has stepped away from the emotion, decided that she likes you as a person and doesn't want you to suffer more than you need to, and that she has packed this away as a trust issue. You aren't going to convince her differently.

What can you do with this?

1. One, don't try to repair it anymore. She heard what you've said. For now, this narrative works for her. The more you fight it, the more it will pain you and the more convinced she will become that it is true. A clean response to this is, "yes, I agree that trust is extremely important. So is acceptance and forgiveness. You are right, we didn't have that". This will end the debate and actually do more to make her second guess it.

2. With respect to However if you've seen them as openings to put us back together - admit it. "Yes, you're right. Thanks for clearing it up. I an very clear on it now". This will disarm her and end her need to keep saying it. It will also do more to make her second guess it. I'm not saying this will solve it - but it will keep her from building a "higher wall".

3. You can agree with her about the open relationship, that "yeah, its not my thing". Show her you a man standing tall. You are not in fear to speak your belief.

4. I might also thank her for her concerns about you and say its appreciated and tell her that you are sincerely glad she is feeling better.

And leave the ending ambiguous.

It's a tall order, but the door is open to end it with grace on both sides and that's a win win for you. She will think "hes a solid dude". Debating with her just makes you look weak. This is true in all breakups.

And then work your grief with us.

You're hurting because you really loved her. Don't ever be ashamed of that. It didn't work, she has some cognitive issues, the deck was stacked, but you did get to feel and give love and you gave yourself completely. You want to learn now, heal and mostly not become affected and bitter.

Its a hard journey, Keef. Losing someone we love is a devastating bow.

[Skip]

I just thought I'd make others aware of the risks with breaking NC.

You're getting a shot a closure, keef. Many members don't. Many would feel some relief for getting this note. Ask a member that has been ghosted.

She told you what she thinks with a lot of candor. You don't have to accept that as reality, but you can accept that as how she see's reality - how she has reconciled this. You know what it is all about. You also know that she still respects you.

You can now respond and defuse the tensions.

It's not going to hurt less. You will probably tell others that closure is overrated. But it gives you something to work with. And it gives you a shot at leaving a legacy of dignity. 6 - 10 weeks from now, you will appreciate having your dignity.

[Happy1]

Keef,

I like a lot of what Skip said. You could listen to that and do well.

In reading the letter (Thanks for posting BTW), what struck me right off was you didn't meet some hidden or unknown condition she was judging you by all along so, the with her B+W thinking, she's sure the relationship is over. Then she goes on to try and make sure you don't abandon her entirely, by trying to leave the "friendship" door open. In essence, she has issues with how trusts, then judges people, B+W thinking,etc.

My first experience with a BPD relationship coming to an end was awful. I couldn't understand the rlationship let alne the break up, which was really her moving on. so, in my second and third BPD/HPD relationships, when I heard the words, "I want to break up... ." I fled completely. Literally, cut the entire relationship(s) off immediately. The second route was much easier on me. With i,mediare N/C I know longer had to deal with trying to figure out communications or what the other person wanted from me or what they rxpected out of me when they wanted to leave the relationship. I could hide my grief and struggle from them, not be confused further by them, and could selfishly once again seize control of my life and heal in private. Sort of like just simply putting a band-aid on a wound and letting the natural process of healing run its coure as opposed to dressing and picking at the wound daily.

Both options hurt like hell. Good luck to you man. In my case I learned about BPD 12 yrs. after my last BPD relationship and have spent 20+ yrs. figuring out what I got caught in previously. So, my analysis of my relationships was all posthumously done. I have a great memory, but I learned along the way, I also had a lot of work to do as well. Also, I've likely got a touch of PTSD and some trust isdue due to the relationships, but all-in-all I'm better for not being involved with these individuals anymore as well.

[Happy1]

Keef

More thoughts:

I like my option two, immediate N/C because it's likely that she's already way ahead of you in taking care of her emotions and feelings. Remember one of the hallmark features of BPD is selfish cpself centered thinking and control. Afterall this is how they get their needs met and also remain in control. So, my option two gives you not only all of that power, but als the personal authority to take care of your needs first in what is a traumatic and trying time for anyone. The BPDs I had, had a hard time dealing with me essentially immediately changing directions and dealng with only my pain and not groveling. it's as if the both wanted to see me grovel and needed me to grovel to feel not abandoned. By not communicating, it forced them to figure out their issues, as I no longer was a support for the (bridge to their next relationship) and that too can be viewed as leaving them with an opportunity to be somewhat introspective, even if it might be only a short one since most BPDs have another person they're working in the offing. sometimes silence and having no one to talk to is the quickest path to clarity.

[cosmonaut]

Thanks for sharing your letter.  I think I can understand why your ex's letter hurts - there is some bite in it and I'm sure it cut.  When we are already in such pain any further damage can be excruciating.

I do think Skip is making a very good point, however, that your ex is giving you something of a gift.  It may be hard or even impossible to see this right now when emotions are so raw, but you may look back on this exchange in a different light someday.

Your ex has given you some concrete reasons why she left the relationship, and they sound authentic enough to me.  We can certainly disputed their validity in reality, but we must accept that these are very real for her.  I think she is telling you how she genuinely feels - at least in this moment.  For instance, I think when she says that she feels nothing for you, I think she is telling you the truth from her point of view now.  But learning about the disorder can help us to better understand what might be going on inside of her to say something so cold to you.  

pwBPD experience overwhelming emotions - emotions so intense that they simply cannot stand the intensity of them.  And the area of life where these overwhelming emotions are most felt are in intimate relationships.  One of the key defense mechanisms that pwBPD learn to cope with these emotions is to shut them off.  I suspect that what is actually happening inside of your ex is that rather then feeling no emotion, she is overwhelmed with emotions to the degree that she has shut them down.  Since this occurs on a subconscious level, it seems to her that she just stopped caring.  I'm not sure if this helps you, but chances are that it isn't that she didn't care about you, but that she cared too much.

Ultimately, however, we can't know exactly what she is thinking.  We can follow that rabbit hole down forever.  Skip is encouraging you to shift the focus to yourself, because it is the only aspect of the relationship you can genuinely examine, and the only aspect that you can change.  Painful as this experience may be (and many members here would rate it 11/10 on the pain scale), it can be lemons made into lemonade if we are willing to apply the lessons we learn from this process to improving ourselves.

It may be too soon to begin this process if you are still dealing with the significant emotional fallout of the breakup.  That's ok.  But at some point you can begin to look at aspects of yourself and your relationship which will lead you to a brighter future.

[Keef]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It's reminded me of the importance of staying calm and not acting on the feelings of hurt and disappointment (and not trying to start a debate with her and by that making both of us hurt more).

I feel stupid at the moment. Like I knew this was coming but wouldn't acknowledge it. I've not been honest with myself in refusing to see the failure earlier on. Denial, we probably both engaged in it :-(

I was very upset yesterday, today I feel more or less calm. A numbing sadness, but not as angry. Behind the anger there are other emotions, and perhaps eventually keys to healing and understanding more about myself.

It's just confusing. I don't recognise her way of expressing herself. She really has moved on and detached, shut down (thanks cosmonaut for your input on those things)!

But I don't get why she would want to remain friends after this relationship since she's convinced that I'm not trustworthy. I've been called all sorts of things, 'pathological liar' etc. Why would she want me as a friend if she doesn't trust me? Is this connected to her fear of abandonment (it was a very strong trait of hers)? As for me, I don't think I could be friends with her, well certainly not while I'm feeling hurt and missing her. I do know she's quite lonely, she's cut out many of her friends. But I can't be there for her before I've healed, and when I'm finally closer to healing I won't want to remind myself of how dysfunctional the r/s was, by sticking around. So I guess friendship is out of the question, it would hurt me.

Skip, thank you so much for the advice how to respond to her message. I'm not sure I will write back, I only have this one chance to express myself to her and I'm afraid it would make me fall behind in my detaching if I wrote her. If I did I'd make sure to express myself in a validating and honest and amicable manner. I just can't expect any more of the personal and unique communication we had just over a month ago, she really has moved on, so fast! I know that I'm not you Skip, and that you're not me, but you seem wise, what would you have done now that you've heard my story? Would you reply or start going NC again?

This is, to put it short, as much closure as I can expect from the unstable person she is. I don't have any further questions to ask her (well, I of course have a few questions... but it's too late now), the hurt and confusion must stop.

PS Sorry for rambling, I'm so tired today, it's difficult to express these things right now. DS
 

[Skip]

You started the discussion - asked a question - got a polite and honest answer.

What you expect of an emotionally mature partner in this situation.

[Keef]

For me that equals one last brief amicable e-mail. I will return to no contact after that for to start taking care of myself properly. I also need this peace to be able to take a much needed look at myself in therapy.

[Skip]

For me that equals one last brief amicable e-mail. I will return to no contact after that for to start taking care of myself properly. I also need this peace to be able to take a much needed look at myself in therapy.

This sounds like an respectful and emotionally mature thing to do. Dignity.

Not to split hairs, but have you seen this thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.0

When someone leaves, it helps to think of this in terms of "resuscitate" or "do not resuscitate". I hear you saying you have crossed over to "do not resuscitate". You accept that things are too broken to resuscitate. This is an important step.

Incidental contact isn't going to matter. A polite response. Maybe she sends you a birthday text. None of this is threatening.

Do not resuscitate is an important step in detachment. You can start the process of letting her go. As part of that, its important to get 8 weeks pf separation. No Facebook spying, no drive bys, etc. This will break the intensity.

1. Do not resuscitate.
2. Get separation, space
3. Start detaching and analyzing what happened
4. Etc.

[Keef]

Thanks Skip.
There'll be no spying. In my most hurt state, during the first couple of weeks after she dumped me, I did have fantasies of this. My mind and feelings were all over the place, even more than they are now.

Well.

I was going to write her today. Only she's sent me  yet another e-mail. I haven't read all of it yet. It's a long one. I feel uneasy. She may feel a need to speak her mind further but all the confusing and hurtful behaviours she's engaged in previously tell me this new e-mail may well be of that kind. It reads 'pls read with a cup of tea wearing your green hoodie [her favourite hoodie of mine].' and she then continues with saying "I'm going to be more frank with you in this letter'.

I cannot and will not take further blame from her. I think her writing me just a couple of days after the first e-mail and not waiting for my reply is selfish, and a part of her childishness and compulsive/impulsive behaviour.

Then again, I can never be prepared for whatever the contents. I'm just not strong right now. Feels like I can't do this on my own. I'm so worn out.

I'm aware that choosing to not read it could be a sign of that I'm partly in denial. I want this to end and by procrastinating I'll probably prolong my own suffering.

[Skip]

If you want to post it, we can help you through it.

[Keef]

Thank you. By 'posting' you mean sharing it here in the thread?

[kentavr3]

I had the same problem when exBPDf kicked me out from the house in 2014. She filed PO when I wasn't home even. PO was denied by the female judge. After the court, I started bagging her for the come back. I was in the condition when I could hardly understand myself and my actions. The help of the therapist, support group, this perfect web sait, self education ( as reading books for BPD/NPD) helped me a lot. Unfortunately, I involved myself to the second circle of the relationships with her and was discarded after a year. The same scenario as many and many others went through. So, do not devaluate yourself, work on your self esteem. Everybody here break NC may times before they got the right behavioral. Our target is NC or "gray rock". Just give yourself time and do not judge yourself so strong.

[Keef]

Hi everybody.

I have sent her my e-mail now. It took a quite while to write it... I can see I was very upset when I started this thread, and I don't feel too good about that. But I feel more composed now. And very sad, since this is an obvious good-bye (but I followed Skip's advice and left the ending ambiguous).

It's hard expressing yourself in a letter like this. Writing in your own personal way, but with a certain kind of distance, knowing that the recipient is so easily triggered.

If she answers me I'll write in this thread again. As we know it's quite possible she will, 'they' often do this, and she has a thousand questions I could never give satisfying replies to.
Her second e-mail was quite respectful but with some blaming between the lines. She does not really take responsibility for her ending the r/s, and doesn't apologize for her previous behaviours. But this was expected for me. I do know her quite well by now and that made it easier in making the decision to write rather than to just go NC. NC is what comes next. One of the things that gives me closure is that she acknowledges her need for healing, and that she has to do this on her own. As for her wishes to stay friends I did not respond at all to that.

There's so much to say to a troubled loved one in a letter like this and it's likely that I missed a couple of details. But still, I feel I've released with grace this time.

I feel we've tried now to send out eachother in the world with love.

To you who've pitched in: thank you.

 

[Keef]

It feels tough. The r/s ended on 19 November and up until now we've had LC. I understand I've partly been in denial because of these few mail exchanges. From now on I have to do some hard work. She's not a confidant anymore. These things are hard as it is in a "normal" break up... .I'm going to keep posting. I will have to.

Good night

[ynwa]

It feels tough. The r/s ended on 19 November and up until now we've had LC. I understand I've partly been in denial because of these few mail exchanges. From now on I have to do some hard work. She's not a confidant anymore. These things are hard as it is in a "normal" break up... .I'm going to keep posting. I will have to.

Good night

Hello skip,  I regards to time, you and I are close, mine was Nov 29, when I caught her out in a lie and cheating.  Your postings and need for validation are identical to mine.  And I see you really hurting. And being honest.  I respect that and I'm sure the rest of the board knows that feeling too well.

This process of Detaching and No Contact (I had no real understanding of BPD until halfway through this) is not really about the other person. It's about you.  The relationship is secondary now, to you. No Contact allows you to heal and handle yourself.

In 3 days, I've had one text message about our cats.  And... .I sent her a similar email.  Mine replied "I got your email, just haven't had a chance to respond".  But I remained honest with my NC decision. Nothing about me, or from me unless I need to.  I'm calmer today, then I have been in a year or so.  It's still in my head, I'm still thinking about it, but I'm not going to do anything about it.  
  
And Im sure tommorow will be hard, but today I bought a new comforter and two sheet sets.  I got a small kitchen table (a piece of a huge circular argument that had us give up and no table).  Im going to out the sheets on the bed and put the table together on New Years Day.  I made those decisions for me, without anyone telling me to. The distant idea is we may talk across that table one day, but really I just need a damn table

you aren't alone in this Keef.  The shared stories on this board are something we felt so alone experiencing and now can open up

du kommer aldrig gå ensam

[FreedomReigns]

Years ago, when a man I knew in high school came into my life, I was ecstatic. I had had  crush on him when I was 15 and he 16, and that crush was rekindled when I was 45 and he 46. But he hurt me very badly and I had a really hard time with it, I guess because he was the first man I had feelings for after my husband died. It hurt like hell. I was beside myself, depressed, angry, confused, etc. I went online and Googled "how to handle a breakup." It brought me to this site. Sorry, I don't remember the name, but I do remember a suggestion that I took to heart. I bought a calendar, and at the end of each day, I put a giant X through it, indicating that I had kept my no contact for that day. I did this for 31 days. It wasn't easy, but by the 31st day, I no longer felt the need to contact him. That was in 2010. He crosses my mind every now and then, but it no longer hurts. Perhaps you can do the same? Each day you go NC, mark it on the calendar. Do it one month, then two, then three, and so on, until you are free and clear of any feelings for her. It may or may not work for you, but it did work for me. Only one way to find out is to try it. Good luck.


-S

[Keef]

FreedomReigns:
Yes it might be a good idea for me, buying a NC-calendar and crossing off each passed day. The weeks before Christmas have been blurry and it's easy to lose sense of time when grieving and ruminating. Sorry to hear about those experiences of yours!

ynwa:
Sorry to hear you've been through that, usch, it's terrible.
Yes, nc this time is all about me. I did try to engage in it before, when she assaulted me this summer. Monstrous. But we got back together again. This time I'm doing it for real or I won't heal properly. No contact, time, and therapy. Those are going to get me through and see to that I won't end up in this kind of relationship again. You see I've been seeing only more or less emotionally unstable girls for the last 5 yrs or so, and this was by far the worst. And that's definitely not how I wish to spend my life. TIME FOR CHANGE.

The shared stories on this board are something we felt so alone experiencing and now can open up

Yes. Now's the time to open up and being honest. Not least about why some of us, me included, have ended up in similar relationships time and time again.

Let's keep posting peeps.