Moving On

[BPD Free]

I am divorced from from my ex. She has BPD.
I have a number questions about moving after the divorce.
One big question is how long should it take to feel like I ready to start a new relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi BPD Free, 



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily . How long were you together? How long have you been divorced? There's no right or wrong answer, it's different for everyone. Do you feel ready?

[heartandwhole]

Hi BPD Free,

I'd like to join  Mutt in welcoming you. Everyone's detachment and recovery looks different, although I think there are some signs that can help gauge our readiness to start another relationship.

When you can, fill us in on some details and we'll steer you to the most relevant support. 

It helps to share your story. Members here have been where you are, and understand the challenges of moving on.

heartandwhole

[Hisaccount]

Since you are the one that divorced her you might be farther along in the healing and detaching process.

Like for me I was dumped out of the blue so it will be a while longer.

I have gone on dinner dates but nothing serious. I have a lady friend that pointed out some things that might help gauge where you are.

During the conversation do you talk about your ex? Or have the urge to talk about your ex?
Then you are probably not ready.
During the date do you think about your ex? Ruminate or have memories of her strong enough to interrupt your conversation or thought process?
Then you are probably not ready.
Do you in anyway compare your date to your ex?
Then you are not ready.

See the pattern there? If your ex is still embedded deep into your thoughts you are not ready.
Doesn't mean you can't date as friends but you are not ready to fully give a relationship a chance.

[Monty]

See the pattern there? If your ex is still embedded deep into your thoughts you are not ready.

I love this advice Hisaccount!

Here's an interesting and perhaps related BPD observation. I've never really been a big dater but have had about 8 serious or longer-term relationships in my 55-year lifetime. Of those, 2 have had major BPD traits. It's interesting that during the early stages of both of those relationships, both women talked extensively about their past partners and how badly they were treated by them. They each also pumped me for lots of information about my past relationships. In none of the healthy relationships did that occur. We mentioned things like being divorced or recently getting out of a relationship but no details or desire to discuss details by either person.

Note to self: Avoid dating people who seem fixated on past relationships.

[BPD Free]

I was with my ex for 26 years when I got divorced. She requested the divorce. I got divorced in a few hours the following week. I did not lose any assets. I did help support her for a year. Shortly after a year she asked to come back. She claimed she had learned about herself and could make the relationship work. Like a fool I fell for it. Less than 2 years later I told her to leave. My children even told her to leave. With in six months she had a new victim.
I moved on with in a month to a new relationship. The relationship went fast. I thought it was exciting and healing!
Guess what? I slowly saw narcissistic and BPD traits developing or surfacing. I exited after a year and a half. I realized that I could leave toxic relationships. I also realized that I am I rescuer or fixer type of person and have been all my life in all types of relationships. I am now confused on how to look for and start a healthy relationship. If I sense anything close to BPD, Narcissistic, Histrionic behavior I exit immediately. I want a relationship but am scared to get involved with another bad situation. I am trying hard to changed from being a rescuer. 

[heartandwhole]

I want a relationship but am scared to get involved with another bad situation. I am trying hard to changed from being a rescuer. 

That's totally understandable after what you have been through BPD Free. It takes time to change ingrained patterns of behavior, so I hope you will go easy on yourself. I have caretaking tendencies myself. It's okay to be like that, we just don't want it to go to extremes, where we sacrifice our own wellbeing for someone else. In a BPD relationship that can happen so easily, in my experience (or with a "needy" person).

Have you read this book? 

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

I find it very helpful when I need to remember to let others take care of themselves.

What has been the most challenging for you with regard to changing your rescuing tendencies, BPD Free?

heartandwhole