Currently going through a breakup, advice needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

Two weeks ago, my fiance with BPD broke up with me and I have not been coping well. I just stumbled across this website and read the article about Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner has BPD and I read it with my mouth wide open - I have never related to anything as much in my life!

I am just looking for some advice. I love this girl more than anything in this world and would do anything to get her back. Even though I can see that our relationship was unhealthy, I truly believe that we can find a way to live the rest of our lives together. The question is, what can I do to convince her to give us another shot?

A little bit of background on us. We have been together for 3 years. We're due to get married this April. We had signed all our contracts to build a house (which we needed lawyers to get out of). Honeymoon would have been at this end of this year. And we were even wanting to start having kids in the next few years. I used to believe that there would be no way she would ever leave me - I felt so secure. And I knew I would never leave her, no matter how bad it got. And boy were there some bad times! This last month she started withdrawing. The way she looked at me and spoke to me... it was like she didn't like me anymore. I never got angry, I just tried to talk to her about it which never went down well and it always got turned around on me somehow e.g I am too sensitive. Then one night after trying to bring this subject up again in a calm way, she just exploded and then that was it. She found an apartment within a couple of days, told her family straight away, all before I had time to even process it. I tried everything I could to get her back. Wrote her a lovely letter and left it on her pillow. I tried talking to her, explaining how everything could get better, how I would improve. Because I truly feel like I can be a better person and be stronger for her. This breakup has shown me how much I really love this girl and would do anything for her. But her response was that she doesn't love me anymore... .I find that so hard to accept because I feel like it happened so quickly, and I don't believe she tried to change the way she was feeling by doing any relationship-strengthening activities.

So what can I do? I am so scared, it has been two weeks and I feel like she is getting more and more distant. I don't want to lose her. I want to support her through everything. I am seeing her tomorrow to bring over the rest of her stuff to her new apartment and I had been planning on giving it another shot on trying to get her back by saying how much I love her etc but after reading this article, I am not sure if that's the best approach. Please can someone give me advice?

[AliasBristow]

Hello,

Two weeks ago, my fiance with BPD broke up with me and I have not been coping well. I just stumbled across this website and read the article about Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner has BPD and I read it with my mouth wide open - I have never related to anything as much in my life!

I am just looking for some advice. I love this girl more than anything in this world and would do anything to get her back. Even though I can see that our relationship was unhealthy, I truly believe that we can find a way to live the rest of our lives together. The question is, what can I do to convince her to give us another shot?

A little bit of background on us. We have been together for 3 years. We're due to get married this April. We had signed all our contracts to build a house (which we needed lawyers to get out of). Honeymoon would have been at this end of this year. And we were even wanting to start having kids in the next few years. I used to believe that there would be no way she would ever leave me - I felt so secure. And I knew I would never leave her, no matter how bad it got. And boy were there some bad times! This last month she started withdrawing. The way she looked at me and spoke to me... it was like she didn't like me anymore. I never got angry, I just tried to talk to her about it which never went down well and it always got turned around on me somehow e.g I am too sensitive. Then one night after trying to bring this subject up again in a calm way, she just exploded and then that was it. She found an apartment within a couple of days, told her family straight away, all before I had time to even process it. I tried everything I could to get her back. Wrote her a lovely letter and left it on her pillow. I tried talking to her, explaining how everything could get better, how I would improve. Because I truly feel like I can be a better person and be stronger for her. This breakup has shown me how much I really love this girl and would do anything for her. But her response was that she doesn't love me anymore... .I find that so hard to accept because I feel like it happened so quickly, and I don't believe she tried to change the way she was feeling by doing any relationship-strengthening activities.

So what can I do? I am so scared, it has been two weeks and I feel like she is getting more and more distant. I don't want to lose her. I want to support her through everything. I am seeing her tomorrow to bring over the rest of her stuff to her new apartment and I had been planning on giving it another shot on trying to get her back by saying how much I love her etc but after reading this article, I am not sure if that's the best approach. Please can someone give me advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[panhead67]

Hiyah,

I'm new here too. Jus wanted to say sorry your going through this. I have a similar situation and have jus been reading alot here. My boyfriend has done the push/pull (withdrawal) for three months now.It's been really hard to see the closest person in my life become distant and unfamiliar.
Its a time to work on ourselves I guess. Be neutral in a calm state when around her, anything with emotion can make her withdraw further. I'm sure someone will have some more advice, I'm jus learning.You are in the right place!

[AliasBristow]

Thanks for the reply! It's nice to know that I am not alone in this

[hopeandgrace]

Hello - sorry you are going through a breakup, it is always hard.  Has this happened before - this length of time?  Or do you see this as something different from her 'normal'?.  Best advice:  get help for YOU.  Not to try to win her back (although I realize that is easier said than done!), but focus on YOU and your emotional needs.  Force yourself to focus on things other than her - go on a run, go see a movie, go spend time with a friend, etc... .You may have to force yourself to redirect your focus several times each day.  Try to make it through ONE DAY without trying to contact her.  Get through that day and then face the next.  Nugget of truth: nobody likes somebody who looks desperate (and I'm NOT judging you, I am speaking from my own levels of desperation and experience).  So... .don't be.  :)o not be desperate.  :)o not contact her - and focus on your healing.  You will be a much better version of yourself.  And it's ok to cry/hash it out with God/freak out privately, etc... .but don't STAY there in that place - let it all out and take a step forward.  :)on't you want to be treated with respect?  With love?  She may or may not end up being that person, but I can assure you of this: you are worthy of receiving these things.

[AliasBristow]

Hello - yes it has happened before. But not like this. It lasted two days max, and it was just between us. No one else was aware that we had "broken up". What was different this time was the lead up to it. The way she looked at me, talked to me... And I know she is struggling big time right now.
I have been trying really hard to not look desperate. And believe me, I have had my bad days where I kept on messaging her. Where I blamed everything on myself. And she was giving absolutely nothing back to the situation which hurt even more. But I also am surrounded by the most amazing friends and family who have been keeping me busy and distracted which has helped a lot. Before I discovered this website, I was actually considering tomorrow to tell her (once I tried one last time to see if she will come back) that I need to completely cut ties with her. As heartbreaking as that is. But I can't handle it. As long as she is in my life, I will constantly be wondering what she is doing, who she is with, if she thinks about me at all. But now I have found this site, I am wondering if there is a different approach I can take. I really don't want to give up hope on her... .We have built so much over the past 3 years and I don't want it to end!