New here. Mother diagnosed with BPD

[Stormy76]

Hello. I'm knew and just looking for support and information to better deal with my mom. My mom was diagnosed with BPD about two years ago but refuses to accept the diagnosis. She's exhibited the usual characteristics for as long as I can remember but things have gotten significantly worse over the last few years. I'm raising my four children and one step-son. My husband and I have agreed that we are not comfortable leaving our children alone with my mom. My mom has been asking to take my three youngest for sleepovers at her house. I need to set boundaries and break the news that my kids will not be staying with her. I am so scared to tell her that I have been avoiding any communication with her. I'm so tired of being afraid of her losing her temper, her cruel accusations etc. She will be hurt by our decision and that part kills me but I feel I have to keep my children safe. On top of the BPD, she is an alcoholic and after being sober three years she began drinking again about 6 months ago. Hopefully I can learn some tools and techniques here and maybe even begin my own healing process.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Stormy76:

I'm sorry about the problems with your mom.  It doesn't matter if she accepts the label of BPD.  You can't change her.  All you can do is manage your boundaries and the way you interact with and react to her.

Your boundary about your children sounds wise.  You definitely want to protect them.  Your mom's behavior is her own choice and she will be the one responsible for restrictions in regard to your children.  

It will be helpful for you to read about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and BOUNDARIES.  You shouldn't feel guilty about asserting a boundary with your mom.

There are links to is a lot of helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The additional links below could, also, be helpful (click on the green words, or the green address):

FOG

BOUNDARIES

The additional links below, contain info. about validation.  Validation doesn't mean that you agree with someone's position.  You don't validate what is invalid, but you acknowledge someone's feelings.  More importantly, you don't want to invalidate.  

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

Check out some of the lessons (at the links above) and let us know what you think.  It can take some practice to gain benefit from some of the skills.  Many people gain benefit from sharing and gaining input as they try new skills.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Stormy76]

Thank you. I have been crying off and on for three days. I'm so fed up with with my mom o just don't know what to do anymore. My childhood was so dysfunctional and my marriage is suffering. My husband refuses to have anything to do with my mom. I go from being protective of her to angry within moments. I'm not sure my marriage will survive.  I feel so alone. I try to keep my husband from knowing what is going on with my mom. I try to keep my mom from upsetting everyone. I'm lost and alone.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey stormy76:
Is there a chance you can get some therapy to help you work through this?  It can be helpful to have the guidance of a professional.  You must really have your hands full with 5 children.  I can hear that you are torn between your mom and your husband.

It can help to take a step back and take care of you for awhile.  What can you do to manage your stress better? Have you has success with anything in the past? Perhaps some exercise, a hobby or mindfulness exercises?

Could you be struggling with some depression right now?