How do you do it?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi;
First came to the forum in march 2016 worried about my sister who I suspected was undiagnosed BPD.
To recap; at christmas 2015she had moved in with a man who she had previously lived with and left due to emotional abuse and slashing her car tyre... .just the kind of bloke you go back to!
The family were very concerned but I was also angry that she'd lied to me about spending xmas with another man she'd been seeing but we gave her the benefit of the doubt.
So by march things had gone down the inevitable route and more; she seen doctors and counsellors, had practically had a nervous breakdown and couldn't work because of his emotional abuse.
I gave her a "loan" to help her get out to a flat she was still rented,I offered her help in contacting domestic abuse support and furniture removers and her ex-husband had also offered her help to see her out safely (the ex- who had hit her about,don't ask).
May; go to visit her, still with the man but planning to move out.Mentally in a very bad place and there had been an incident in which he could have physically assaulted her or it was an accident or a bit of each but she's got photographs and is going to the police.She subsequently tells me that following an in-depth discussion,she got him to their doctor to talk about his mental issues where he allowed her to talk thinking she wanted to help in and she used the session to talk all about his abuse.This provides evidence for the court proceeding and he pleaded guilty and got community service.
She is now elsewhere and back at work and has completed a course with a domestic abuse charity on victim survival which she is very proud of.
Well, when she told me this just after xmas 2016, I couldn't take it any more and I asked her why she did it... .why she stayed when she could have got away in march.This went down very badly and we had a massive falling out with some very vicious things said; should have listened to the advice on "medium chill".
Anyway, starting to feel guilty, as you do, and waiting for her daughter to tell me that she's not done anything silly as a result of our row and then I'm free.As she pointed out, I've got my own problems to sort out. It's been a long time coming but only because I was the "little pleaser and appeaser" but I was starting to let her behaviour affect me too much.

[wantyousafe]

Hi;
First came to the forum in march 2016 worried about my sister who I suspected was undiagnosed BPD.
To recap; at christmas 2015she had moved in with a man who she had previously lived with and left due to emotional abuse and slashing her car tyre... .just the kind of bloke you go back to!
The family were very concerned but I was also angry that she'd lied to me about spending xmas with another man she'd been seeing but we gave her the benefit of the doubt.
So by march things had gone down the inevitable route and more; she seen doctors and counsellors, had practically had a nervous breakdown and couldn't work because of his emotional abuse.
I gave her a "loan" to help her get out to a flat she was still rented,I offered her help in contacting domestic abuse support and furniture removers and her ex-husband had also offered her help to see her out safely (the ex- who had hit her about,don't ask).
May; go to visit her, still with the man but planning to move out.Mentally in a very bad place and there had been an incident in which he could have physically assaulted her or it was an accident or a bit of each but she's got photographs and is going to the police.She subsequently tells me that following an in-depth discussion,she got him to their doctor to talk about his mental issues where he allowed her to talk thinking she wanted to help in and she used the session to talk all about his abuse.This provides evidence for the court proceeding and he pleaded guilty and got community service.
She is now elsewhere and back at work and has completed a course with a domestic abuse charity on victim survival which she is very proud of.
Well, when she told me this just after xmas 2016, I couldn't take it any more and I asked her why she did it... .why she stayed when she could have got away in march.This went down very badly and we had a massive falling out with some very vicious things said; should have listened to the advice on "medium chill".
Anyway, starting to feel guilty, as you do, and waiting for her daughter to tell me that she's not done anything silly as a result of our row and then I'm free.As she pointed out, I've got my own problems to sort out. It's been a long time coming but only because I was the "little pleaser and appeaser" but I was starting to let her behaviour affect me too much.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wantyousafe:  
Sorry about the situation with your sister.  Sounds like you have made a lot of effort to help her.  Sometime, you just have to clear the  FOG   and    RADICALLY ACCEPT  the situation.

  I've got my own problems to sort out. It's been a long time coming but only because I was the "little pleaser and appeaser" 

Many of us here suffer from "the disease to please".  The information at the link below might be helpful:
TOXIC SHAME
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117309.0

Other than "people pleasing", what else do you want to work on during 2017?

[wantyousafe]

Hi, NaughtyNibbler;
I had a big health-thing, undiagnosed, at the end of 2015 where I lost my balance and couldn't walk,feeling I was going to collapse and I have let it frighten me far too much because of my my mom and other family members being left seriously disabled after strokes.I haven't been out and about enough, particularly on my own, since then.
That's got to change.I can't help feeling that if I start asserting myself and gaining more self-confidence it will help a lot and not having to tread on eggshells with my sister will be a good start.
My neice has been in touch with my sister so she must be ok, time for a break!
Take care and have a good 2017. x

[Naughty Nibbler]

I had a big health-thing, undiagnosed, at the end of 2015 where I lost my balance and couldn't walk,feeling I was going to collapse and I have let it frighten me far too much because of my my mom and other family members being left seriously disabled after strokes.I haven't been out and about enough, particularly on my own, since then.
That's got to change.I can't help feeling that if I start asserting myself and gaining more self-confidence it will help a lot.

wantyousafe   
You might want to Google "Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo".  It is an inner ear thing and there are some head positioning exercises you can use when it happens, to help correct the situation.  Just an angle to consider, that you might have had some form of vertigo.  If you fear a stroke, and have some symptoms, best to seek immediate medical evaluation.  If someone has a stroke and seeks early medical attention, the after effects can be reduced. 

Take care.  You own 2017.   

[wantyousafe]

 Naughty Nibbled:sounds interesting,will check it out.Had been given an artificial steroid treatment for menopause by doctor at that time and it may have been an extreme reaction but there were no known control-indications like that and my GP didn't say anything.Stopped taking the stuff and it's a lot better but I still feel a bit spaced-out when I walk sometimes!