Finally told her I'm done.

[Weary1402]

The verbal abuse and suicide threats never stop and it ends up being my fault. That I play head games with her by telling her I love her but pulling back after she goes into rage. She asked me to go with her to her counseling appointment today. She is furious with me for not spending time with her. But I can't, this relationship is so damaging to both of us. I need to heal and I can't do that worrying about what lengths she will go to next to get my attention. Blocking her only makes her more furious and she stops at nothing. I'm. It telling her there is a chance for us, I don't know why she wants me still.
In her session today she was very angry, very mean and her counselor told her many times not to talk to me the way she was. She said things about spending time with her ex just to hurt me.  She pushed and pushed until I had to say I don't want this anymore. This isn't love. I need to get better. My question is, why did I let things get this far and why do I still wish for the wonderful side of her?
I told her not to contact me this time. Praying and hoping she won't.
I am so grateful for this support group.

[hope2727]

Its the intermittent reenforcement similar to a gambling machine. We wait and endure the lousy times hoping to get back to the happy times.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Weary1402, I admire your courage for stating your truth during the counseling session.  That took guts.  Yes, you need to get better, which is important to acknowledge.

I suggest you defer those questions for now and, instead, focus on yourself, which is often lost in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Be good to yourself.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Allow yourself time to sit in the stillness, as you regain your center.

It's a rough ride, my friend, but I think you're on a good path.

LuckyJim

[Weary1402]

Thank you Hope2727 and Lucky Jim.
I hope I understand this one day. Or at the least accept it.
I lost my marriage for this relationship. No part of my life is untouched from his devestation. I made many poor choices to take care of a person that doesn't want to get well.
So, a new year and a clean slate.

[Weary1402]

I'm. It telling her there is a chance for us, I don't know why she wants me still.
I mistyped that. I'm NOT telling her there is a chance.