I'm sorry JJacks0 that you are still feeling guilty.
You may think you could have done more to prevent the ending of your relationship but I also think you did the best that you knew how.
First I'll highlight in bold some parts that you wrote that I found interesting and important.
I wanted to say yes and I wanted to really feel it, be excited about it, and optimistic... .but instead it made me feel trapped. I know that sounds terrible but I felt like as soon as I said those words she'd have the green light to go ahead and critique everything I did that she didn't like.
"This was the very first time since we started dating that I was actually trying to take care of myself too. I guess I felt like making her my priority wasn't as sweet and romantic as it's supposed to sound - it felt like I was giving up something that I had only just started to achieve."...
"for nearly 6 years at that point so it sounds strange to most people - why wouldn't we be each other's priorities?"
I was grieving as well (obviously not at same level as her, but I was also upset when her mother passed), I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of trying to pull her out of her grief knowing the way that she normally reacts to times of stress (suicide ideation), and I was just burning out... .trying to find some happiness where I could. I didn't mean to hurt her.
When I look back it's so obvious to me that I shouldn't have stayed out until the sun came out those nights that I did. I'd say it happened maybe a handful of times. I should have stayed home more even when she was just sleeping.
I think that in a typical situation that is what a loving, invested significant other would do. That's what makes me feel guilty. And I've never loved her any less over the entire 7 years.
& from your previous post:
The irony is that I don't think I could have gotten to this place mentally while living with her - I don't think I'd understand her or BPD as well - it was always too hard to do while living under the same roof and being in constant contact. There were too many emotions running wild. I had hope that while apart we could focus on ourselves and then become better together. But we never had an opportunity for that.
You were devoted to her for so many years. I can see that if you knew this would end your relationship you may have really wanted to try something else. Nobody who really loves their partner and wants things to work out would want things to end the way it did but to be brutally honest, there would have been another crisis in the future where she would have treated you the same way if not worse than she already did. I would try and see things from a bigger picture like that. The bottom line is that you now know she is capable of losing interest in you just like that when an immediate need arises, and can then move on to the next provider.
Is a flighty type of person someone you really think is worth all of what you gave? I am hoping your answer is no.
It's really not so obvious to me that you should have done something else if you look at things big picture. It may have changed things slightly or kept you together for longer but again, you already know what she's like and how stressed out you were at the time. Being able to move on easily because you couldn't do xyz for her in that moment of time is not normal. I wished she had the capacity to love you the way you deserved to be, be concerned for your wellbeing, and thought about the many things that you did right for her all these years so you wouldn't have to walk on eggshells and struggle so much to keep a relationship with her. This was another disadvantage for you. Somebody who literally lives in the moment and is unable to recall what you have done for them in the past, and without a clearer view on who you are as a person especially during these circumstances. Instead, she was more fault-finding. You described wanting to say yes and wanting to feel excited and optimistic about making her your priority. You know you cannot make yourself feel a certain way, right? That would be denying and repressing how you are really feeling inside at that point in time and that's not healthy. It's easier for people like us to feel ashamed or guilty if we are unable to please others. Like somehow we are bad when we cannot do these things all the time. You can't alway feel great and seems like you couldn't always show that side of you to her. But she could show you all her 'bad'. The side that was worn down and needed a break from her. You would have continued to be stressed out of your mind anticipating her criticism of you for what she didn't like or what you didn't do for her. You are a good person by the way, you don't need her to approve of that.
Like you said, you wouldn't have understood more of BPD if you didn't think you had something so troubling you didn't think you could figure out on your own or handle it the way you had with her for these years. Things were already a mess and the whole focus was on taking care of her... you couldn't have improved on yourself this much if you didn't have the chance to spend quality time to yourself.
Coming from the outside looking in, this is what I had been thinking...
When will you give yourself a break and allow yourself to make mistakes/be human?
When will you stop taking most if not all responsibility for a relationship to work?
Did you ever ask her to make you a priority too? To think about how you are feeling too?
Does she ever think about what she could improve on to make things work with you?
If you haven't already, can you please not discredit how good you were to her as a partner overall?
Sometimes we might give little weight to our best qualities or being a good partner overall over a single or few incidents.
I think you are allowed to make "mistakes" or better put, doing things that are not always ideal or in favour of what your partner demands you do for them.
Trying to make good decisions for yourself that is just not solely on what makes your partner happy is not a crime.
Many things could happened over a lifetime and at least you know how she would have handled it. It's excruciatingly painful when somebody cannot be there the same way that you are for them. It's excruciatingly painful to stay in a situation where you are the one least understood by your partner. It's excruciatingly painful x1000 to yourself to feel like you
should have done something else to save a relationship that was already so fragile.
You seriously matter too and you needed to feel that you did at that time too.
Please be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself if you truly believe you did wrong or wished you could have done better but also have another look at some of what I had put in bold. I think that those things are what you value and what really matter to you in a relationship, and you were unable to get very much of those things from her. You can't unwant those things because they really are essential to be happy, I believe. You don't need to be perfect to be loved and have someone worth it, stay. You also dont need to prove how good of a partner time and time again all because of her negative mindset. She has already let the past go and has moved on and maybe that can give you permission to let go of the guilt inside and start doing the same.
