The most painful part

[bpdmom99]

In my experience, one of the most painful side effects of having a child with BPD is that no matter how much I struggle to say or do things ... .she can never truly feel and know how loved she is.

I get all of her hate. All of her anxiety. All of her venom. All of her self-hatred.

My deepest wish through all of this is that she would know how incredibly loved and amazing I think she is.

Even with all of the crisis, the rages, the anger, the explosions - I love her. All of the boundaries I put up and limits I set is all done because I love her so much.

It is a joy that I am afraid she won't ever be able to feel from me. Or anyone. How deeply she is loved. The gift of feeling unconditionally loved.

It is ultimately one of the most deeply painful parts of loving someone with BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Quama]

Dear BPDmom99,
As heartbreaking as your words are, they actually bring me a level of comfort.  I agonize over this almost every day, wishing that my BPD child could truly understand how incredibly loved they are.  It's not something that my friends and family can easily understand.  It is an ache inside of me that I fear will never find release.  But so much worse than that, it's unconditional and unending love that my baby may never experience.  I would do anything to help my child feel that love, but my efforts seem to fail regularly. I will never stop trying.
Thank you for making me feel understood on a difficult night.
Q.

[Distressed Mothe]

You said it so well! I, too, am in the same position. My daughter has disowned me and is keeping my two granddaughters from having any contact with me. She has caused me so much pain that I have accepted that she is not part of my life. I do love her but I have to protect myself from her abuse.

[bpdmom99]

Thank you both for your reply. I was beginning to feel like perhaps I was the only one who experienced this.

I have recognized through this entire process how much grieving there is. So many losses. I don't wish to stay focused on the negative, but while so much of my focus seems to be on noting and dealing with her symptoms, being aware of my involvement in this 'dance' with her, etc ... .there is a loss and grief that is heartbreaking. To be able to just love fully - for both of us - and experience that in return. That feels like a human right. And yet it is one that is constantly blocked.

I grieve for the relationships that my daughter will not be able to fully embrace because of her condition. And I grieve for the people that will never be able to fully experience the immense, unending love that she has to share - since to experience her love, you will also need to experience her hate.

Some days, I just grieve.

And then tomorrow- I will rise again with hope.

Thank you for listening.

[Huat]

How could I not add to this string of eloquently written posts?  Soul Sisters!

No one in my realm of friends/relatives has experienced this kind of hurt... .ongoing hurt.  When I find the need to talk, I see jaws drop, eyes open wide... .but most of the time... .hear nothing from them because they can't comprehend... .they don't know how to reply.  Aww... .what a lesson for me, though.  Because of this I know enough how to validate others... .but I so want that for ME, too!

As I have written in other posts, I am working on "what-is-IS"... .a work in progress... .and there is progress.  When I think of my daughter, I know I love her and, as a loving Mom, I know I can forgive her... .but then I remember how she has successfully used her children as pawns against us. 

Our job as grandparents was to love and protect her children as they came into the world under very adverse conditions.  We put our lives on hold to become surrogate parents to them... .always fearful of losing contact if she got angry with us.  Her job was to role-model how to respect us.  We did our job... .she didn't.  Now, even though our daughter has apologized for her actions in the latest "episode" and we attempt to get back to being family, her daughters (25/28) show little affection to us.  We are disposables... .as are each of their fathers and their fathers' families.  They have nothing good to say about any of them... .are in contact with none.  Anyone our daughter didn't like (and there are so many on her list!)... .the girls were taught not to like.  I grieve for my granddaughters... .and there is a smoldering inside of me when I think of what my daughter has managed to do to her children.

So... .a work in progress for an aging Mom/Gramma.

[bpdmom99]

Oh, Huat - thanks for sharing your experience as well. To see the ripple effects on future generations is especially heartbreaking.

I grieve with you ... .

[mggt]

Well said