Am I abandoning her?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's only been 2 days no contact after I told my exdpd I don't want even a friend ship with her in front of her counselor. I went with her to her appointment because she asked me to. My goal was to tell the truth but her goal was to argue out our problems. This is past just problems at this point.  She made me look like a terrible person but also let her true colors show on a very small scale. So her counselor did witness how she treats me. A little. She uses the things I have told her she is doing to me and twists it. Uses the same words as if it's new in her vocabulary but says I'm the one doing it. What is that? I told my side and that's all I cared to do so that there is a real understanding of what counseling she needs. I'm definitely hurt by the things she said. She knows just what to say to hit the most tender places. Which is such an amazing thing to me, not good amazing... .Why would you ever intentionally hurt someone you love? I can't get it.
So today I'm feeling a horrible fear that I am destroying her by cutting ties. She has a great fear of abandonment and I'm doing just that. She won't be able to be rational about it. She will only feel like a victim, as usual. But the last thing I EVER wanted is to hurt her. It's the exact reason I got myself into this mess. To save her from all of the "terrible people" in her life. Ha. Now I'm one of those in her mind.
I don't want people to believe what she says about me. I was very good to her. There is so much collateral damage in my life because of my relationship with her. It had to end, but I feel sad for her. This is why I go back every time. But not anymore.

[Weary1402]

It's only been 2 days no contact after I told my exdpd I don't want even a friend ship with her in front of her counselor. I went with her to her appointment because she asked me to. My goal was to tell the truth but her goal was to argue out our problems. This is past just problems at this point.  She made me look like a terrible person but also let her true colors show on a very small scale. So her counselor did witness how she treats me. A little. She uses the things I have told her she is doing to me and twists it. Uses the same words as if it's new in her vocabulary but says I'm the one doing it. What is that? I told my side and that's all I cared to do so that there is a real understanding of what counseling she needs. I'm definitely hurt by the things she said. She knows just what to say to hit the most tender places. Which is such an amazing thing to me, not good amazing... .Why would you ever intentionally hurt someone you love? I can't get it.
So today I'm feeling a horrible fear that I am destroying her by cutting ties. She has a great fear of abandonment and I'm doing just that. She won't be able to be rational about it. She will only feel like a victim, as usual. But the last thing I EVER wanted is to hurt her. It's the exact reason I got myself into this mess. To save her from all of the "terrible people" in her life. Ha. Now I'm one of those in her mind.
I don't want people to believe what she says about me. I was very good to her. There is so much collateral damage in my life because of my relationship with her. It had to end, but I feel sad for her. This is why I go back every time. But not anymore.

[Hisaccount]

You cannot save her. I did the same thing for 10 years.
She has to follow her own path. Hopefully with you leaving it will force her to get true and honest help.

I said for years I could not leave because I felt like I was abandoning a retarded child.

But at some point you have to think of you.You have to survive as well.
Mine drug me down to a point that I was no longer able to help her. Now I am trying to recover to be a better person for my kids.

I don't think you are abandoning her because she is not capable of a normal relationship, so what are you abandoning?
There is nothing there to abandon. Don't beat yourself up.

[Wayno]

Hisaccount,

This makes so much sense, close friends and family knows, hell she will even admit she needs help, has tried therapy, however, I have seen it take place where she after a few visits thinks the therapist are all full of it.

     "You cannot save her. I did the same thing for 10 years. She has to follow her own path. Hopefully with you leaving it will force her to get true and honest help."

   perfectly said. and this is where I find myself after 3 years of putting her needs ahead, im now putting my boxes back in order, we all have expressed an array for feelings for the other half in these relationships, I worry about the girls (6) and (9) (step) who have to live with it as well. 

[Hisaccount]

Her son, My step son, Lives with me. Doesn't like to be around his mom much. He knows. It helps remind me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Weary-

I'm sorry you're in that place, a place I relate to well: part of you would do anything for her, another part simply can't go on because of the way you were treated.  Is it possible to focus on what you're doing for you, instead of what you're doing to her?  Sometimes it's very difficult to put our needs first because of the way we're wired; can you relate to that?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Weary,
  It's like you are me. I was in that EXACT scenario. After a break up where my ex left me for another ex she came back and agreed to counceling. I went to one session with her and it was explosive. She treated me so badly the therapist asked me to leave so she could settle her down.

Here she left me... .more than once and was twisting it around that she left BECAUSE of me.

No responsibility for her actions. It was ALL my fault.

After three years and over 15 breakups (ALL initiated by her) I wasn't as vested anymore.

In this situation, I had started to see someone else when she returned and wanted back in. She wanted to break us up... .which she was effective in doing so. I am not putting the blame on her for that though. I left the person in hopes counceling would miraculously change my ex. That was my error.

You are not abandoning her. You are doing her a favor.  It's a non-stop cycle for them. If not you, it will be with the next person... .I guarantee it. My ex followed patterns and she did all the same things (in different timelines) to each of her exes.

Mine keeps exes in rotation, at least the ones that still want the abuse.

Best thing ever has been NC. Please know, BPD's are survivors. She survived before you and she will after. The only person you need to rescue right now is YOU.

As many posters have mentioned on here... .things don't change with them. It's like living the movie Groundhog day. Because we cannot change them, eradicate their disorder, it's important we work on ourselves. We should ALWAYS be working on ourselves.

We are capable of having loving relationships with good, healthy people but first we must love ourselves enough to not accept poor treatment. That is what many of us struggle with. If a stranger did to you what your ex did would you accept it? Likely not. Then why do we allow people we love to treat us badly?

Think about that... .

[Aesir]

I feel the same way. There is a time that the abuse has to stop and you realize that you can't help her. At this point too much damage has been done to really expect to keep on with the relationship. At some point I decided that it was time to focus on and protect myself. After all I had done my damned best for her but some battles can't be won. Especially if you are the only person willing to fight to make things better which is through some form of counseling and therapy.

[talks to angels]

"I said for years I could not leave because I felt like I was abandoning a retarded child. "

Hisaccount - this made me laugh. Yes that is so what it is like. but they are grown adults. and abusive at that.

Weary1402 I understand the pain. Like others have stated it reaches a point that you have to make it about you. I felt the same way and I think thats why I too hung on. Wanted to show him that he is worthy of trusting and love and well like you ended the same. It is such a catch 22, they are too determined to distroy all that get too close
Funny in the beginning he stated how all his ex's were crazy and that is why nothing ever worked out. I joked that did they all start off sane as he was the common thread, he laughed... .good god I didnt realize I was right!

[LilMe]

Stay strong, Weary1402! It sounds like you did plenty to try to make things work. You matter too. She will suffer, but you are suffering too.

My uBPD is disabled and lives alone way out in the country and doesn't drive. That was a big part of my FOG. But he has managed fine. He is a master manipulator who targets kind-hearted Christian people who feel sorry for him and believe his lies about me (and his ex-wife). I fell for it too, so I am not angry with them! We live in a fairly small community and he has spread lies about me. Many now shun me. But I know the truth. There are a few others who also know the truth and I am thankful for their support.

It is hard for us Nons to accept how pwBPD can be so cruel. We are not like them so it very hard to comprehend. But the reality is that they can be vicious and cruel. They seem to lash out in fear, like a wild animal backed into a corner.  You are fortunate that you can go NC. That is your first step to healing and recovery. 

[ynwa]

The word "abandon" is pretty heavy. Its an absolute usually used in situations of no return.  Abandon ship!

Perhaps, you are still asking yourself if it's ok to leave? 

are you asking if it's ok to start thinking about yourself first?

Is it ok to be selfish, and admit that you can't do this anymore?

For me I know I can't keep living my life with someone who would hurt me rather than help me.  I have no idea how to do that, and that is why I'm here.

[apollotech]

Weary,

Think about it this way: was it any different when you were with her? Was she still having emotional upheavals? You probably didn't fix anything by being with her, other than being close by to be her safety blanket. It's not about what you hoped you accomplish, but rather about what you actually accomplished while with her. View it in that perspective to answer your question.