My sister has BPD, i need help

[baroh]

Hi there. I'm a twenty year old girl with an older sister who has diagnosed BPD. We both still live at home with our parents (I am taking a 4 year BScN program at my local college and need to save my money by not paying rent, she is not doing any schooling and truly just bumming/guilting my parents into letting her stay for free). She is two years older than I am.
Really I'm just at my wit's end with her behavior. I need help navigating her traps and volatile temper because I HAVE to live under the same roof as her (can explain if need be). She doesn't care about anyone other than herself, she doesn't realize the repercussions that her actions have on others, she doesn't care about hurting people close to her, she ALWAYS says "well I don't care" but she is so hypersensitive to appearance details about herself, about things like Instagram ("Oh, this girl posts a photo EVERY TIME I do, she's obsessed with me", "I ___ed this boy and he's not texting me back I don't get it", "Oh [enter old friend's name here]? She's a sElfish b**** I can't believe I was friends with her".
I've been called the gamut of stuff too, "You need help," "you're psychotic", "You're not my sister anymore",  along with many mean, hurtful, esteem-damaging things. She called me "It" for years.
Wow. I realize I could really rant about her and the hurt she's caused me forever.
I just want to talk to someone. I've started going to a counselor but I just also want to find a tribe that understands what I'm going through. It's never ending with her. One day I am her best friend, we go on an amazing walk together, she takes interest in my hobby (photography), BUT only so that she can get a good new profile picture for social media. Then the next day I'm "despicable" and "crazy".
This is my first time realizing there's a community of people who deal with this mental illness as well. I'm excited to meet some of you

[Mutt]

Hi baroh,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how hurtful angry words are from a family member that suffers from BPD. You're right, it helps to see a T and talk to a support group. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you're not alone.

It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. You can become indifferent to the behaviors. My ex wife displays traits of BPD, I understand the anger, the emotional immaturity and blaming, I used to take that personally but it's something that she's going through internally, she's wired that way and it's not personal to me.

What's your support network like with friends and family? Do you have someone in real life that is non judgemental that you can turn to every once in awhile?

PS You'll find the lessons on the right side of this board.

[P.F.Change]

Hey, there, baroh, and

It sounds like you're off to a good start learning some ways to take care of yourself. It's good that you already have a counselor for support, and reaching out here is a positive step, too. There are a lot of good articles here in addition to the community. You can find them in the Lessons tab at the top of this board.

It sounds hurtful and confusing for you that your sister vacillates between closeness and contempt. That sounds pretty typical of BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting, which is common with BPD. Her bullying behavior and verbal abuse must especially have hurt since she is older than you. One thing that may help now that you are older is to begin to recognize that her behaviors are highly influenced by her illness and do not have anything to do with you, personally. It sounds like your sister is someone who you might be able to have fun with once in a while, but who is not going to be capable of maintaining a close or respectful sisterly bond with you.

For times that aren't so fun, you can take care of yourself and your boundaries. This information really helped me when I first came here for help in dealing with my mother with BPD: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order. How do you respond when your sister verbally abuses you?

We'll look forward to hearing more from you when you're ready. Glad you've joined us!

[MiloSpiral]

Hi baroh,

I relate very much to your story. I am also a young college student with an older sister who, while not diagnosed, demonstrates many of the signs of BPD. I am sorry that you are suffering.

It can be hard to set limits with the ones we love, especially when we recognize that they are struggling and especially when there are age power dynamics involved. I am learning how to do it myself. After a recent violation of my boundaries that left me shaken, I found it extremely helpful to write about the boundary that was violated, and to really think about why I felt so angry and hurt when it was not respected. (I am a writer so it's often the best way for me to process things; you may find a different medium more helpful.) The Beyond Blame system on BPD Central helped me to go through all the steps of thinking about the boundary and develop contingency plans if it is not respected. It also made me realize how much it costs me to not have this boundary in place, which created a newfound appreciation for my own needs. Should you choose to look into it, I hope it helps you in advocating for yourself.

[hkb93]

Hi baroh!

I relate in so many ways to your situation: I am also a young nursing student, my sister has BPD, she is 2 years older than me, and she has made me her target for many, many years.

I just joined this forum today in hopes of finding additional support (aside from my family and friends).

I am thinking of you and everyone else that suffers our pain.