Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:49:24 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: When I give her space she contacts me but, still says we can't be together. HELP  (Read 784 times)
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« on: January 05, 2017, 10:41:35 AM »

I am not understanding what the heck is going on! My BPD broke up with me a month ago. She says she needs space. When I attempt to give it, she finds a reason to call me. I left town last week to get away and she apparently saw a pic I posted online and made up a reason to call me. She isn't cold anymore. However, she is saying we can't be together while she is working on herself. I am doing my best to pull back and give her space for my own sanity because I have found myself going crazy wondering what (or possibly who) she is doing. The problem I am encountering is she is coming for me and then pulling back as if she reminds herself that we can't be together now. It is destroying my mind. What should I do? I'm working on being healthy myself and improving. This is tough for me. I want her back. I love her. My therapist told me if I love her, then I have to let her go. I'm trying... .
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

earlyL
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 176

Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2017, 10:47:26 AM »

Hi Dayla,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and right now you both need space. I am going through something quite similar myself and I know how tough it is. My emotions are up and down like a rollercoaster and essentially I want answers, but I know that isn't going to happen quickly and actually for the longterm it is better for both of you to use that space. I am only able to say that because today I am feeling more positive, I have very much felt that despair that you are feeling. I think take each day at a time, try not to overanalyse or think about what could be going on - you simply don't know. (easier said than done I know). Using this forum is a great way of getting your thoughts out there, and I feel allows me the space then to be more calm with my partner. I think the fact that she is in contact with you and wants to contact you surely is a positive thing. Hold on to that, but don't let it consume you. You have to heal too right now.

LW
Logged

Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2017, 11:00:34 AM »

I am definitely up for the task and I am working hard to get better. We have both been damaged by her disorder. We have real love between us and I don't want to lose that. I guess I am hopeful.
Logged
DreamGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2017, 01:59:55 PM »

Is this the first time you've broken up?
Logged

  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2017, 05:13:19 PM »

This is our first "real" breakup.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2017, 05:14:22 PM »

We have taken short breaks (2-3 days) before but, have never been really disconnected.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2017, 01:53:33 PM »

She's giving you a mixed message--chasing after you, but telling you that you can't be together at the same time.

Most of us spend a bunch of time trying to figure out which half of the mixed message is "true" and looking for the other person's "real feelings"

Consider that the mixed message may well be her "real feelings". That you can expect push and pull messages from her in quick succession, both being genuine, and both likely to continue.

Are the mixed messages new, or has she been doing this for most of the time you were together?
Logged
anna58
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 143


« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2017, 02:15:53 PM »

I am going through a similar "push me, pull you" thing.

This guy who has lived near me or with me for 6 years, has insisted on staying with me. We have gotten close and been intimate off and on over those years. He left for 1 1/2 years and seems to be in love with that woman. He has been here 4-5 months and is leaving again.  He came to my room last night and held me for a while. Very sweet. I got pulled in.  Today, I gently broached the topic--that this is difficult. He says he is not monogamous and don't add difficulty to things.

That pisses me off. But he is in my house, and I haven't been able to kick him out. I should. I am being used.

I move to a new apt in 2 weeks.  He is using me to be a "friend" because he has no home and nowhere to go. I am unable to stop myself from getting close with him if he stays with me. That means I will never see him again when he leaves in 2 weeks.  I have no idea how to handle this.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2017, 01:03:56 PM »

Grey Kitty,

        The mixed messages are new and are very confusing to me. I have decided I am strong enough to do the NC though I want her. I want to be with her ultimately and have to let go if I do love her. Today is a better day and I can only control what I can. The posts on the message board have been very helpful to me. I'm glad it is here. When my T is unavailable it's kinda hard to deal.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2017, 01:31:40 PM »

Here's my take on receiving a mixed message:

You wouldn't want to be with somebody just because they put you down and are abusive toward you! (Never mind that we were subjected to a ton of that in a r/s with a pwBPD... .We kinda fell into putting up with it somehow... .but it wasn't the attraction in the first place!)

Why would you want to be with somebody who isn't sure whether she wants to be with you or not? It really isn't much better. And you waste so much time trying to figure out what she "really thinks about me... ."

I'm worth more than that. I want somebody who is unambiguously interested in me. Somebody who chooses me and is clear about that, even with flaws and differences.

If you are getting a mixed message, I can see two courses of action that you can take to resolve it:

1. Walk away.

2. Have a real conversation about the mixed messages with her, asking her to decide.

Since she's a pwBPD, this "conversation" is more complicated. If you just start talking about it with her, it isn't going to go well. That's why we have tools here to help you communicate; If you want to do this, let us support you on how this would go.

Key is that these options could resolve the mixed message--If you continue to approach her like you are, I'd expect her to continue giving you the same mixed message!
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2017, 02:19:28 PM »

Grey Kitty,
       
         I have decided to give her space. I don't want to lose her. I'm clear on that. However, I hate the mixed messages worse than the clear cut ones. It's exhausting. I am working on myself and being a better version of me. Learning to set healthy boundaries, not just with her but, with people in general (I never say no). My hope is to salvage my relationship with her. I do know, however, that it can't be the same as it was.
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2017, 03:29:36 PM »

Option 3: Stop giving any credence to the mixed messages. Guessing what she means, is thinking, or really wants will almost never be fruitful.

Instead, do exactly what you said that you are going to do. Create some distance and work on yourself while she decides what it is that she actually wants.

In the meantime, as GK suggested and you said that you've started to do, start practicing the tools we have lying around here. There's no downside to doing this. They will benefit you no matter the relationship.

The only way that the r/s will be as it was in the past is if you allow it be that way. You are 100% responsible for 50% of the r/s. If you change your 50% (or even just 1% of it), then things will be different. Will they necessarily be "better?" There's no guarantee of that, but they will be different. But, it puts you in a different position than before.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2017, 04:33:15 PM »

I don't want to lose her.
... .
I hate the mixed messages worse than the clear cut ones.

Please accept you cannot disconnect those things, only she can do that... .and she isn't all that likely to do it soon.

As of today, the cost of "not losing her" is accepting these mixed messages.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2017, 11:34:47 AM »

This NC is killing me! I am dedicated to it however. I may have been ruined by romantic chick flicks that say you have to go above and beyond to get her back. I have been filling up my days trying not to think about her. I have been getting back into hobbies that I enjoy. It's hard for me today.
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2017, 11:56:14 AM »

Those "romantic chick flicks" aren't about disordered people/relationships.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

The initial stages of NC are really hard for a lot of people. Have you read the article about WISEMIND?
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #15 on: January 11, 2017, 12:06:34 PM »

Meili,

 I haven't read that. I have a dillema. I have been NC for two days and she just emailed me today about work and texted in a group text about work. Is that ruining my NC? I read somewhere that LC is a bad idea.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2017, 12:07:48 PM »

She is being really cold and bossy in the emails today. This is disheartening... .
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2017, 01:33:31 PM »

Sometimes, as with co-parenting and in work situations, LC is necessary.

It doesn't have to ruin your NC position. Just keep everything focused on work related matters and be professional. There is no need to be personal with her until you're ready and strong enough to handle it.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2017, 02:30:33 PM »

This is extremely hard for me. It seems so illogical and counter-intuitive. Should I block her on social media? I know she watches mine closely. I defriended her on FB but, did not block.
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2017, 02:34:11 PM »

Why block her? Is it causing some problem for you?

One of the great benefits of living in the age of social media is that our exes get to see us and how we are progressing. It can be used to your advantage as you get stronger and more confident. She will be able to see the changes without you having to do anything.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2017, 02:37:27 PM »

It's just a lot right now. It's not an issue for me. I just didn't know if that is kinda part of the NC. I want to do things the right wiy and with integrity
Logged
DreamGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #21 on: January 11, 2017, 03:05:17 PM »

This NC is killing me!

It's hard for me today.

This is extremely hard for me.

It seems so illogical and counter-intuitive.

So maybe we don't swing the pendulum so far to the right. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Usually when "no contact" is being recommended to a couple [by a professional], it's to reduce conflict in the relationship. It's when people are so at odds with each other, it's actually counter-productive to speak to each other. It's a pragmatic approach to allow both parties to calm down and get themselves to a better place... .so that they can start having productive conversations.  

Sometimes when we attempt "no contact" for less pragmatic reasons, like to save ourselves from pain or to punish the other person, it usually ends up with us being caught up in our own turmoil.

When we split from someone, it's hard to go from 60 to 0. Even in divorce, couples take an adjustment period to disentangle themselves.

My thoughts are that you want each of you to have some space. That's a good step.

So maybe go from 60 to 20... .or 10... .or 5... .

Keep it light.

Keep the pressure off both of you to find all the answers to your relationship now or tomorrow.

If she emails you about work, politely respond to her. You don't have to reach out to her if you think that it will cause issues. I get that.  

If you want to leave the door cracked for your relationship, keep it cracked. If you completely shut down and ostracize her, my thoughts are that you're going to be sending her a clear message that you don't want her in your life.

If you keep it light, non committal, and fun - you'll both feel more relaxed about the situation and allow you both some space to take a deep breath and figure out what it is you really want and what it is that you really don't want.

It's the balance between emotion and knowledge --- it's the proverbial sweet spot between making decisions with your heart (but I love her!) and making decisions with your mind (but she's not good for me!).

It's what Meili was suggesting in the link he shared about Wise Mind.

It's hard, I know.  
Logged

  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #22 on: January 11, 2017, 03:28:04 PM »

DreamGirl,

           This is really the first interaction since monday. This past weekend she blamed me for something I didn't do. Things were going reasonably well. prior to. we weren't "back together" but having good conversations. She felt slighted about something someone else did which was nothing and used that to somehow make it my fault for not "protecting" her something she is BIG on. which maybe stems from not being protected as a child from sexual predators. She has a habit of misrepresenting her position here at work and the person called her on it. Somehow it was my fault. She set out to "prove" to me that she has a different position and went so far as having me brought into the office with the boss. At this point I felt it best to go NC and probably should have much sooner but, was holding on to a glimmer of hope that doing the "same things" would yield different results. Telling her how much I love her does zero. She actually says how much she love me but, in situation s like this I am the devil. We are Christians so she even 'addressed what I did in a prayer with other people as "the devil being busy". Of course no one else knew what she was talking about. Everything is spiritual now and when she feels slighted she equates it to God telling her we shouldn't be together. How do I overcome this?

So NC is the answer for me. To giver us both the space we need and maybe God will stop interpreting things I haven't even done as signs for her to leave me. I guess that's why her emailing me threw me for a loop. This is a lot. It's hard to lose your best friend and your lover both in one person all because they want control... .

I am hurting.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2017, 03:45:05 PM »

NC is very good as a short term way to stop the two of you from hurting each other, under the guidance of a therapist. Taking a time-out is a shorter, self-imposed version of the same, and also is a good idea.

Sometimes when we attempt "no contact" for less pragmatic reasons, like to save ourselves from pain or to punish the other person, it usually ends up with us being caught up in our own turmoil.

I call NC to punish the silent treatment. That's really ugly, and most of us have been on the receiving end of it. And yes, it creates plenty of turmoil!

Cutting contact temporarily to save yourself from pain can be a good thing. And I think that fits Dayla's situation.

As you said, it is hard to go from 60 to 0 in a relationship instantaneously. If you spend time around this person you will still feel like you should love them, trust them, engage them, etc. Your heart and habits haven't caught up to what you intellectually know--that they aren't safe for you to get close to.

Cutting contact for a while, giving your heart a chance to catch up is a powerful tool.

Most people who become friends with an ex need some time to take space and heal/adjust before they can re-establish a friendship. And I don't mean just r/s with pwBPD in this--it is generally a good idea and generally needed.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2017, 04:08:36 PM »

How does the heart get us into so much hell... .
Logged
DreamGirl
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4015


Do. Or do not. There is no try.


« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2017, 04:19:01 PM »

Most people who become friends with an ex need some time to take space and heal/adjust before they can re-establish a friendship. And I don't mean just r/s with pwBPD in this--it is generally a good idea and generally needed.

I agree 100%. I had to use a third party after my divorce in order to stop us from fighting in front of our kiddos. We could not help ourselves. Time healed those wounds and my exH is now one of my favorite people.

I also absolutely agree that taking a time out is a good thing -- I just wanted to express that we have to be mindful of how we are reacting ourselves. When there is turmoil involved (this is killing me!), I can imagine there are feelings of conflict.

I'm not suggesting nightly phone calls to talk about how much you love each other. I'm talking that if she opens the door, you take the responsibility to make it light - don't delve into the relationship issues - but be responsive.  

My point is that if you are struggling internally, allowing the limited contact, is far less traumatic to the soul when you impose a situation where the door is cracked.

That's all.

It allows you to take a break but stay connected to the other person --- while your heart heals.  
Logged

  "What I want is what I've not got, and what I need is all around me." ~Dave Matthews

Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2017, 10:04:20 PM »

You guys are so gracious and understanding. It's tough living in a world where everyone thinks you're the bad guy because she makes them think it. This is a rough time in my life. This message board has helped me tremendously. I wish I had found it sooner.
Logged
path2D
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #27 on: January 12, 2017, 08:51:01 AM »

I'm in a similar situation myself. NC is difficult because, well, we have two children. She constantly uses the children as a means to emotionally vomit and send me mixed messages. It always starts out with, can we talk about the children? And inevitably it ends up with her checking to see if I've moved on.
Logged
Dayla

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #28 on: January 12, 2017, 09:02:02 AM »

Path2D,

I feel you completely. The push/pull is sometimes worse than being split black to me. I have to remind myself that no one wants to be this way and ruin relationships and hurt people like this. Look at the soul and love the soul. The resources on this site are tremendously helpful. Take advantage!
Logged
Meili
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #29 on: January 12, 2017, 02:20:59 PM »

Yes, the push/pull dynamic can be really hard. My x used to find some reason to contact me just to see if I would engage. If I responded, she would then pull for a bit until she felt comfortable that she had the hook in me and then push me away. I finally stopped being pushed or pulled and stood where I was.

When I took the control away from her, the dynamic stopped.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!