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Author Topic: I feel broken and I don't think I care any more  (Read 445 times)
Eggshell Mama
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« on: January 05, 2017, 05:56:39 PM »

Hello everyone

I keep trying to write something but I feel like I've hit the bottom, the pain of all this confusion and hurt is just squashing me. My life is in tatters from the last year of drama after drama after drama with my 17 year old daughter.  It's just me and her.  We have always been so close.  She is the most amazing, funny, smart and caring person I know.  But now we are living in this parallel university where nothing I believed in is real.  and every day is like groundhog day.  Drama, hurt, discussion, suggestions and agreements for future, forgiveness, love, sleep.  then the next day exactly the same thing happens. I don't recognise this life and I hardly recognise me any more.  She has ADHD (as do I) and she is gifted.  But emotionally, something misfired.  She does stuff I don't understand and then hates herself for doing it, then "escapes" from having to think about that by doing something crazy, and they cycle goes on.  My brain is driven by patterns and when I looked at her behaviour / words / and what I know her to be inside, none of it made sense.  She is blunt and honest about everything she has done (almost as a way to prove how ___ she is to me), in the coldest manner you could think of.  But cannot, will not, talk about anything to do with feelings.  not just the obvious touchy feely ___, but even resolving a problem is absolutely impossible as I think she sees it as a criticism of her or that it lifts up the veil and she would need to face some of the things she has done.  I'm all about moving forward, and not dwelling on blame (waste of time - better to learn from our mistakes), so its not like I am going to have a go at her.  I just want to stop being simultaneously left to deal with everything and blamed for it happening.  the most frustrating thing is when she says the reason she does all her ___ is because "you are like this, you just don't stop".  So, essentially, the bad behaviour is because of me asking her about the bad behaviour and how practical problems can be solved... .  but I do that BECAUSE of the bad behaviour. 

Ive been reading and reading on here.  and I always feel better and have a structure that I aim to try to work on, and I feel all positive again, but then BAM, she does it all over again and I go back to square one.  Tonight I just feel like nothing will change.   no matter what I do, how understanding and rational I try to be, she bullys and controls and uses my worse fears against me.  Or maybe its just that I left it too late to ask for help.  How can I be strong when I'm broken and the pain inside feels like my skin has been stripped off and the wind is blowing on me?   Achhh.  I hate being so pathetic.  I dunno.  I'm not normally so negative, I think I've just been worn down.  Now on antidepressants, high blood pressure tablets, no appetite, and trying to hold down a stressful job and did I mention about to get thrown off my PhD program.  Gawd, I sound like a poor me huh?

Anyway, sorry for the rambling.  I wanted to stop lurking in the shadows and show myself in the light, but I haven't really much to bring to the table at this point.  Its like trying to explain what lies beneath the water when you can only see the tip of the iceberg.  You know what I mean?  So many things have happened that I'm too exhausted to even talk about them.  sorry - this was all I could do... .

but thanks for having me.

ps btw - I daren't read this back as I probably wouldn't hit post.  So apologies if its just a garbled mess right now.  Just know I'm here.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Naughty Nibbler
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2017, 07:31:22 PM »

Hi!
Welcome Eggshell Mama:
I'm glad that you decided to post.  I'm so sorry about your situation with your daughter,  I can hear that you are very stressed. There will be other mothers with similar experiences to share with you here.

You indicate you have been reading on the website.  Have you tried any of the communication skills, perhaps validation?  Sometime, people have greater success when they step through some of the skills with others here.  Some people share dialog and others try to guide them in some communication strategy to try.

Are you getting any therapy to accompany the antidepressants?  How about your daughter, is she on any meds or getting therapy?

We look forward to hearing more from you.  I think you will find writing things out and sharing with others can be therapeutic. 



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ravenstar
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 10:49:51 AM »

I hear you, and am exactly where you are. It's AWFUL. If I was tested by a shrink at this moment I would probably be put in the psych ward... .just from being bounced around from BPDd's mood swings, abuse, craziness.

And then I find myself thinking things like, "I just don't CARE about your crap right now, I am so tired and DONE with it all. Then I feel guilty... .ugh. Then she is sweet, or funny and shining that bright light that gives me hope... .until something sets her off and she's back in a rage, or doing something self-destructive or mean... .and down I go.

It sucks.

It hurts.

It makes me feel like a failure as a mom, and I get sneaky little thoughts in the back of my head telling me I'm responsible for all this. ugh.

I am coming to realize that my coping skills are ineffective, and that I can't continue this way. If I don't take care of the way my BPDd's illness affects me... .idk, it's not looking good. So... .being here, sharing, looking for help... .admitting I need radical changes in how I look after myself and how I respond to her. That has to be my priority.

HUGS! It's tough but help is out there, and here. I found this morning that reading about the FOG on here was very helpful.

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Princess_jo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2017, 12:19:13 AM »

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too am dealing with the same thing and I feel exactly how you do. That means a few things... First, youre NOT a failure as a mother. Your daughter has issues and that is NOT your fault! No matter what, the fact you are here shows you are supporting, loving and trying. My son has very irrational thinking which leaves him blaming me and making me feel horrible but in reality, it is our own guilt from being unable to help them. We all love our children and want the best from them and when they fail at something or act out, we blame ourselves. Keep working in here and I'm sure you will find some peace... .Just don't give up!
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trolkeeper

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2017, 07:06:04 AM »

This is my life also.  I take one day at a time, but I find my self distancing myself from her and her drama and of course she comes to me hugging and being nice when in reality she just wants to go to the mall.   So sad it is almost funny and definately predictable 
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mom2bpdD

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2017, 01:27:45 AM »

I could have written a few of these posts. The last comment about being super nice when she just wants to go to the mall... .haha, know that one!

It gets overwhelming doesn't it? My own mother said to me a few days ago that maybe I need to start taking care of myself  I throw everything I have into my BPD daughter and she ends up infuriating me, pushing behaviour to new lows and disappointing me just when she's starting to make progress. That's the pattern though with BPD. It is just so exhausting.
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incadove
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2017, 01:14:56 PM »

Thank you for posting, just your title resonated with me so much.

I think my daughter tries hard but a lot of the behaviours that hurt me (at least in her case) come because she also experiences a lot of pain in the relationship.  I thought what helped us the most when she was a teen was to talk about things in terms of principles (which Marsha Linehan also talks about some) but now I don't know, because she can't talk to me about anything without blaming and getting angry.  Dealing with things in terms of principles kept us able to agree on the concrete parts of her behaviour, but still left me with a huge amount of pain that I can't really communicate with her.  I know I obsess too much about trying to repair or retain some relationship for her future now that she is a young adult and has financial independence.  I guess at some level I think she still needs to know that I care because of the abandonment issues, and also I want to not feel so bitter about being thrown aside.

So I don't know really if I have any useful advice, I just wanted to thank you for posting because it helps me feel less alone when I feel broken and crazy also for many of the same reasons!  Some days are better, mainly when I have time to make connections with friends and co-workers and do things that are meaningful to me. 

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Rkmom

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« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2017, 09:21:21 AM »

Hello Eggshell Mama,
I want to give you a hug and tell you to just hang in there. I know how difficult it is for you. I went through it too with my daughter. I gave up but unlike you I had that luxury because there was someone else to take that responsibility.
What you are doing is one of the most difficult and stressful things any parent has to deal with.You are doing all that is possible in the given circumstances. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little break from everything, even if it is for a few hours.
Hope tomorrow will not be so bad.
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abcdef1

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2017, 07:07:26 PM »

Hi eggshell mama. I could have written your post today and more. I feel like giving up and begging herr to bring my grandkids back, even though I know I will have to put up with her crap again and again. I was my hubs to talk to her bc hes better with her  but he says that she is not ready to hear us now and we need to give time distance and space. And all I hear in my brain is that Im losing my grandkids, my only grandkids. so there you go. Is he right? Am I? And how do I get off this merrygo round?sending u hugs... .
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ParentBPDgirl

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« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2017, 09:15:44 PM »

Hi eggshell,

Yeah, I get the feelings, of having your skin ripped off and the wind blowing. I mean, it's powerful, the pain we feel because our children have almost impossible diagnosis.

Mine yells to deflect self-reflection. She goes from mood to mood to mood by the hour.

Hang in there. This is one of the most difficult conditions for people to work there way out of, and from what I am seeing with my own daughter, there is just an avoidance component.

I read that as they mature and get older, things can get better for them, but mine is 20. Hang in there.

The great thing about this place, is we know we're not alone and we're not crazy and we're not imagining this struggle.
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7babies

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« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2017, 06:00:08 AM »

I just want to add my pain to everyone who else's. My 18 yo is very smart, seems to others to have the world by the tail,Mobutu saves all her rage for me. She has gone from verbal assault to becoming physical just this weekend. I feel flayed. She seems to think leaving for college will remove her problems but dh and I fear it will only get worse. I keep reading and trying. I'm sending us all cyber hugs.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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