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BPD with narcissistic best friend
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Topic: BPD with narcissistic best friend (Read 798 times)
Diablospawn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
on:
January 05, 2017, 09:01:45 PM »
Hello, first post.
I have been seeing a girl, that has many of the symptoms of BPD, for the last 7 months. She gave some early indications to me that makes me think she's trying to tell me she has been diagnosed including talking to her counselor about promiscuous sex, her favorite movie abusive father who kept multiple girlfriends, and a few other things related.
Before I left town to go out of state for Thanksgiving, first she indicated worry about me getting back with my ex-wife, then the night before I left she said she wishes I was her BF. No way I'm getting back with my ex, and I've made that clear. Well she also was pretty adamant about us being exclusive, that she didn't want anyone else. I told her we could talk whsn i got back about being her BF. When i got back she cancelled several times during December that we were supposed to be together. Then right before Xmas she just decided not to see me at all, and hasn't since the week before.
Thr twist:. She has a friend who is very controlling to her husband, it's her best friend. IMO her friend has narcissistic tendencies. I believe the girl I'm seeing may have done much of the work required to bring her BPD under control already, but her relationship with me (which has been mostly without conflict until the last few weeks and still neither of us can really be mean) and her BF may have caused her to go back into being a BPD or exhibiting more traits. Her best friend has been against our relationship since shortly after we started. In November she told me she didn't want go upset her friend. I really don't believe there's any lesbian stuff going on, but maybe a really close relationship, my friend says he's worried about his wife and her that sometimes thry look like they could get it on.
So yesterday I felt over the last month the relationship was going downhill so much and we had already had limited contact, i decided to tell her when she wants to have fun then let me know, but to go take care of your things, have a good time, and come back when she was ready to talk about what we could do to have fun like we were. I feel I've sort of already distanced myself enough that I can make good use of my time and do some things for myself in thr meantime, not that I don't miss her deeply and she's expressed similar during LC. I'm sure i have my own trauma from my teen years that doesn't help things, but generally I'm fairly steady flowing psrson, we all have some symptoms of some disorder IMO.
I really just want to make sure I'm on the best path. When i told her that we needed to do our things yesterday it was met with some indirect insults and generally some not so nice statements that she sort of apologized for, but then degraded our relationship some at the end, saying that it had caused a lot of stress recently. I'm concerned her narcissistic friend is controlling her so much that she doesn't want to upset her. Has anyone ever had a similar issue with maybe even a close relative who is a narcissist? Obviously I don't want to lose her, she said she might just date herself for a while, i feel like things would be good except for the friend. I've reviewed many websites and educated myself pretty good, and i feel that many of the things I learned I already do. Thanks
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drained1996
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Posts: 693
Re: BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
Reply #1 on:
January 05, 2017, 11:41:05 PM »
Hi Diablospawn
Sorry to hear about your difficult circumstances, but we are glad you found us. If you take a look around, you will find many similar circumstances... .some so familiar you probably could have written them. Comforting to many to know they are not alone. Having a person with BPD in our lives can be very draining and confusing so your feelings are understood here. Having read through your post... .I can't find... .what do you want? How are you actually feeling about all that has transpired?
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Diablospawn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
Reply #2 on:
January 06, 2017, 05:21:46 PM »
Thanks drained1996
First I have an update. Last night she baited me, what I mean is that she didn't contact me, but has the habit of accidentally contacting me via some messaging app we use with something like a thumbs up, picture or something that can be perceived as indirect contact, not requiring a response. I sort of resonded with something similar, but with less than she did. Beyond that I'm really flying low on the radar and not initiating any contact, hoping she may come to some conclusion that all she's worked for and done in life may possibly not coincide with what she's currently doing. I have to be careful too, because i lean quite often to her just moving on, which is something she said "she doesn't want me to think" she is or jumping into another relationship... I know just going to the next guy probably doesn't make sense in jher plan for her life, but i also feel putting some sort of indefinite closure minimizes damage that can be done to our relationship, while giving her thr opportunity to figure out what she wants to do for now.
To answer your question I'm really just coming here for input and possible support. I've read a great number of posts here and another site, and yes I see many similar situations. I guess I can only tell her how I feel, yet do so in a calm manner, while minimizing conflict and not blaming. A friend told me the other day that patience is a virtue and I'm typically very patient, but some things can really test anyone.
I did tell her how i felt her narcissistic friend had intentionally thrown some issues in between us, because I feel she needs to realize that, and maybe she'll have an awakening. I've been through a divorce before and I see our friends likely heading down that same path, while the narcissist is probably hoping to have a friend who she can sew her oates with... .
It really seems like a roll of the dice, and depending on how they land I guess will show if all that was said regarding love etc is true. When she first started talking about possibly dating, which she said her counselor recommended (isuspect it's actually the NPD) she said she told them she couldn't, that everyone else would not even equal me, and she wouldn't get over me. She said the counselor said That and several other things were said that would make the non definitely feel a sense of reassurance and wanr to hang on. She told me she couldn't keep a therapist, which makes me think she's putting that out there for later as an end all, because I expressed very early on that I wasn't interested in another relationship where either party felt they were too good for therapy.
For now I wonder when should I even contact her? A week, 2 weeks, if she doesn't contact me? We really haven't gone more than 30 hours without some sort of contact through all of this. We did have about a week of not so good contact, just wishing each other happy holidays and so on. Previously she's blamed lack of contact on me by saying things like we weren't talking, then I remind her that she asked for me to slow down, then she'll say something when I make an effort to keep contact with her more frequently too. Sort of seems like a no win situation, so I guess that's where boundaries come in and at some point you have to say you tried and it's time to move on. I've made a list of things I need to do, which I feel in any relationship you would spend time away from the other person taking care of things to make sure when you do have time together that it's of the best quality (time away being things like work etc you have to do).
Any input or links to a situation with a third party NPD would be helpful, till then I'll keep reading and see if I see anything. Thanks
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Meili
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384
Re: BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
Reply #3 on:
January 07, 2017, 10:59:37 AM »
This sounds like a really tough situation DS, with no easy answers. The amount and extent of contact really depends on what you are comfortable with and the direction that you want to take things.
I agree with you that time apart is good for any relationship. If nothing else, it gives the parties things to talk about. But, a bit of distance can be very helpful in a BPD relationship because it provides the non with time that isn't so stressed, to heal, and relax.
Why do you think that the friend has so much control over the girl that you've been seeing?
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drained1996
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Re: BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
Reply #4 on:
January 07, 2017, 11:58:08 AM »
Excerpt
For now I wonder when should I even contact her? A week, 2 weeks, if she doesn't contact me?
Chasing is typically not a good thing for the party that does the chasing. It's giving control to the chased party. While this is certainly not a game, the dynamics need to be understood... .especially if someone in the mix is showing traits of BPD.
Push/pull is a common theme in BPD relationships. They push when they fear engulfment (getting too close) and they pull when they fear abandonment.
Excerpt
A friend told me the other day that patience is a virtue
What are you going to do with that tidbit of implied advice? What positives do you see that may come from being patient?
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Diablospawn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
Reply #5 on:
January 07, 2017, 02:18:45 PM »
Quote from: Meili on January 07, 2017, 10:59:37 AM
Why do you think that the friend has so much control over the girl that you've been seeing?
The girl I've been seeing has said that her friend (the NPD) has told her to call it off with me. Also, the NPD several times over the last month created division in one way or another, a few times blatantly. Last time we spent time together I told her to not even mention me, then she said that the NPD will know because she'll be happy. Also I noticed that the NPD blocked me on social media over the last couple of days, who cares... . I had meant to speak to the NPD, because I've known her for over 10 years, but any attempt to get by to see her husband (who is one of my better friends) has been thwarted over the last 2 months--and I would rather speak about those things in person. It really all just seems like too much to think about, and really I think to myself do I want to be in a relationship where the opinions of others may some day make an impact on the outcome of the relationship? Of course there are some that are valid, and times when you should definitely get out of a relationship. I have made certain to let the BPD know that I don't want to do anything that may cause problems with any ties she has from the start and have let her know that. Also there are other friends in the group who have said that the NPD did some things before to other friends that are similar, one guy said she goes or I go to his girlfriend. Guess I'm just not like that.
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Diablospawn
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4
Re: BPD with narcissistic best friend
«
Reply #6 on:
January 07, 2017, 02:52:26 PM »
Quote from: drained1996 on January 07, 2017, 11:58:08 AM
What are you going to do with that tidbit of implied advice? What positives do you see that may come from being patient?
I'm not so sure it's called patience at this time, more so than just getting on with life is the best thing to do. Patience is waiting, and although I'm typically pretty laid back and patient, at some point you just have to say you are happy you tried and go on your way.
I guess you just expect to get closure from the person who may want to end the relationship, in most cases, especially when they say things to make you think just days prior that they'll always want you in their life. Instead the closure we have was sort of provided by me in hopes that it would preserve the good times we did have. She said so many things that pointed to possible closure, but many more good things at the same time.
When I was younger I would have just gotten away after a few not so good days. In this case I feel we have more in common (even with 9 years age difference) than anyone I've known before. I felt that she was the type that may need extra reassurance from what she said about her parents, their divorce, not seeing her mom, and her neglectful dad when she was growing up. Still at some point, if someone shows no appreciation, there's not much you can do.
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