I forget he has BPD

[stilinchrist]

Hi everyone,
I realised my husband had BPD+npd in the middle of last year after 7 years of marriage. It was a shock and relief all rolled into one. The problem with me is that I keep forgetting that he has this issue in the periods where he seems normal. and then when one of the crazy episodes present themselves I feel shocked and hurt and very stupidly expect him to behave better. And then as he gets increasingly mean and cruel i realise my fallacy. Do any of you forget like me? He doesnt know yet that he has this disorder and has point blank refused for therapy.
Doesn't this kind of relationship become so very one sided. How do you get your emotional needs met. What meaning does marriage to a BPD have other than sacrifice?

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[Jessica84]

Wow, this sounds soo familiar! I feel your pain and frustration. I try to stay mindful but, yeah, it's easy to let your guard down and forget during the "normal" times. Actually, it's nice not to think about BPD at all sometimes. But it's always there, waiting... .

During the BPD storms, I try to remind myself it can't rain forever! If only I could do the same on the sunny days. 

[Tattered Heart]

LOVE your name.

Yes, I frequently forget that he has BPD when we go through long periods of normal. I get too comfortable. I begin to trust him again. I start thinking that maybe he is magically cured. I stop paying attention to signals that he is getting overwhelmed. I look forward to seeing him and coming home. I begin to fall in love with him again.  And then he turns on me.

ANd I withdrawl. I have to protect myself. And I get really mad at myself for trusting him. I knew better. I love the long normal times, but I begin to wonder if the frequent conflict is better because then I can be prepared for it. I know what to say and what not to say. I know to keep emotional distance form him. But that normal is oh so wonderful.

[WifeInOz]

This is all so familiar to me also guys! I just posted how we went through a 5 month "normal" period, had a wonderful Christmas season, and then two days ago the SH*T hit the fan because I took some of my son's chocolate. NOw Im the biggest scumbag, loser, POS, that ever lived. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you guys become the villian from time to time? It leaves me empty and scared  

[Jessica84]

WifeinOz - I was the villain last week for changing the tv channel. You'd think I murdered a kitten! Stomping, shouting, glaring at me with hate in his eyes. Yes, eerily familiar. Of course, he's been on edge going on a month now so at least I wasn't blindsided by it... .kind of sad that that's the silver lining.

[WifeInOz]

Jess how completely HEINOUS of You 

[michel71]

I did a similar post. I kept forgetting too and judging my wife on a "normal" standard of behavior. And I was rubbish at the tools and/or they didn't work. I was constantly in a no win situation and I felt that I might have a heart attack or something. The stress level was off the charts.

Now that she has moved out I am a lot more relaxed. At peace. No more arguments. No more walking on egg shells. I am not saying that is what you need to do but for me it was either leave or die.

[michel71]

I mean... .her leaving and me dying... .that came out wrong!

[Five28]

WifeinOz - I was the villain last week for changing the tv channel. You'd think I murdered a kitten! Stomping, shouting, glaring at me with hate in his eyes. Yes, eerily familiar. Of course, he's been on edge going on a month now so at least I wasn't blindsided by it... .kind of sad that that's the silver lining.

I was evil reincarnate because I deleted a movie from the DVR. Oh the humanity!   

[Auspicious]

I forget sometimes, even though it's been more than eight years since learning of it, there were years of extraordinary actions and drama, and she was repeatedly diagnosed with it.

Our brains, I think, want things to be "normal". And sometimes they are, or seem to be. But the hallmark of mental illness is that it is pervasive and persistent.

The thing is, remembering can help us put things in perspective. When I expect my wife to have consistent emotional control, I'm essentially expecting a person in a wheelchair to walk. It reminds me to see things less as "black and white, she bad and me good", and instead to see it as a challenging situation.