New Guy

[Red5]

Hello, new here, looking for answers and verification as to what I think I know now has been happening in our marriage... .I think I have a clear and "text-book" case of a full blown BPD/w... .known her for almost ten years, dated for 3.5, married for six now... .previously divorced (21 yrs), this former wife was a (csa) victim, never learned to be a survivor... .long story, tried too hard to save that one... .end result was she left me and the kids (teenagers at that time)... .was a single father for five years, then immediately started dating, my current wife was the second gf... .seemed wonderful almost perfect, the first gf did break me back into relationships, but after what I'd been through really had no business "dating"... .should have let myself heal first... anyways, along came "the one"... .I understand now this is called "charming"... ."idealization"... .boy she sure put on a great act... .I really don't know how she did this for so long, yes we had fights, but I had no idea what was about to happen... .this is the deal, at this point, she is full blown "rage" mode on me... .and to top it off, she is going through cancer treatment starting Monday... .at first I thought it was me messing up, but now I know it is not me... .I never stood a chance... .I have to go for now... .its a very long story... .I found this site via shrink 4 men... .Red5 out for now... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Red5, 



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing people as an intergrated whole, a good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities. I can relate with how painful and heartbreaking it is when the person that you married alters into someone that has vitriol for you. It can feel like you don't know the person that you're living with anymore. It helps to weather the storm during these periods, boundaries and self care are huge help.

this is the deal, at this point, she is full blown "rage" mode on me ... .and to top it off, she is going through cancer treatment starting Monday .

Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects the ego against anxiety and stress, I would feel a lot of anxiety if I had to go through cancer treatment. I'm sorry to hear that she's going through this.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, we'll walk with you through this, you're not alone. We'll be here when you're ready.

[Red5]

Sitting here at work reading this blog(s)... .I am realizing that this has been going on in my marriage (2nd) since before the honeymoon started... .yeah that's right, we even fought the night before we got married, it’s been six years now , we dated for 3 1/2 before getting married, both of us were previously married, about 20 years (+) each... .as I said, my previous wife was also case... .long story... .when will I ever learn… Back to my current wife, until very recently (a few months back now) I had just thought she was a bit high strung, a drama queen… and she did tell beforehand that she had a "temper", of which she warned me of during our dating period... .yeah we had some pretty good fights, and I chalked it ALL up to "post-divorce trauma"... .or something like that, “fear of commitment”, as in it was me being hard headed towards her, and as well she was trying to get me to change to suite her... .but now I think I know, she is BPD... .what else could it be, and so are her two other sisters it looks like, my wife was the youngest of three sisters, we are all in our early to mid-fifties... .wow, I cannot believe I could have been so stupid and ignorant not to be more cautious in getting married again, after all, I had already been married to a case, for 21 years, and survived it intact... .I even recognized things in gf #1 post-divorce, and left that relationship before becoming trapped again… back to the present, our home has crushed eggshell all over the floor, which I now understand should actually be called landmines... .she displays all the traits now... .I am always wrong, stupid, dumb, lazy, .etc etc etc etc, can NEVER do anything right, we cannot even change a light bulb together without getting into an argument... .I no longer feel anything toward her except the need to escape... .we obviously have no children together, all our kids are grown and on their own from our previous marriages , except my oldest Son, but this is the one thing... .my oldest Son is an autistic 30 year old, he is about 6-8 years old developmentally, and he is the joy of my life, and he will always live with me (us)... .and that's the hard part, she is always coming after him, .I am ALWAYS running interference... .just last night, she said… “you use your Son as a crutch”… REALLY !… I really thought this could work out, that these fights were just post-divorce trauma, and hard headiness on both our parts trying to adjust, but now I understand that she does like the attack... .the prey, then endless drama... .we go days, and weeks without even speaking, I sleep on the leather couch in the office more than in our bed... .and she destroys all holidays, and blames it on me... .Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversary's... .I am miserable... .and I have to say that I feel nothing for her any longer... .even her won two kids, age 30ish, and 26 say she has always been crazy, and neither even know how I put up with her, I have heard the same from one of the other “son-in-laws” also... .as I have spoken to the other two "son-in-laws"... .it seems to be a family business this BPD... .as their wives are also presenting BPD in these relationships, which are both over the 20+ year marks... .what to do... .and now to complicate things even more, as I said, she has been diagnosed with cancer, and now I feel I need to support and help (FOG) her… as I should as I am still her husband... .but even now the sister-in-laws, and the mother-in-law are taking over all of that... .which she uses as another way to “rage” against me… last night was pretty bad… she even started comparing me to her ex-husband… as in he was a loving and doting husband… and I am NOT… the more I read and study this, the more alarmed I become... .and the more hopeless and helpless to fix this I feel... .at this juncture, I just want to take my Son and RUN !... .but the logistics of our relationship, home life will not allow that to happen... .she does still has her home across town, and it is vacant, she does tell me that she wants a divorce, but she needs our (retired military) insurance to cope with, and treat her cancer... .but after that she says she “is done”… I told her I would never try to take that away, even if we were separated... .I consider myslef a good provider, you see, I am a caregiver type of personality... .but I know, if all of this is really happening, that I cannot fix her, she will NEVER admit that she is BPD... .there is only two options, to stay and try to help her recover (?), or to try and just remove myself from the marriage, sleep on the couch... .and hope she leaves on her own... .she is really bad right now, seems Thanksgiving, and Christmas always really bring on the hate/drama/fights... .and she ALWAYS blames EVERYTHING on me... .thanks for letting me vent a little... .

[Auspicious]

You're in a tough spot. Take a breath!

You can't change her. You can only change you. You can change how you react. You can change how things affect you.

Take a look at the links over on the right. Particularly under "Lessons".

[Red5]

Thank you Auspicious, I will read through the lessons... .trying to get a hold on things here, and develop some coping mechanisms... .yesterday, here at work, I emailed several url's to my private email so that I could read about them last night, well she reads my email, yes that was careless of me, but I did not think she would even notice, and I did not think she was watching my email anymore as I do lead a very boring life, well she saw the BPD links, and now she knows what I think I know, and of course she confronted me, and denied everything, and said I was the crazy "conspiracy theorist"... .I know she will never agree to any counseling, or else admit she has any problems other than people do not listen to her, and she has the "family temper"... .at this point, I have reached an event horizon of "non-compliance" with her, I do not argue wither anymore, I just stare back at her like a baby seal that is about to get clubbed in the head... .and I have retreated to the leather couch in the home office, I seek and look for any way to get peace and quite away from her... .the relationship has foundered, and no one is at the wheel currently... .one day at a time now for me... .I am at the rock bottom looking up... .wondering what will happen next, she is completely "off the rails" now... .albeit high functioning at her day activity/job, and with her sisters, and mother, but at home, when she is not in bed, she is in my face, and running off at her mouth at how stupid, and lazy, and worthless a husband I am... .I have heard of, and am trying to practice the "gray rock" stance... .as long as I do not allow myself to loose my temper with her anymore... .she never stops, until she sleeps ; (  

[Auspicious]

The thing is, you can't control her, but you can control her.

When she yells at you, you can leave the room. If she follows you, you can leave the house for awhile.

You can regain control of your life. You can't control her life.

[Five28]

You're not alone Red5. I'm in the same boat as you. Also wonder how I missed the signs. Her mother, older brother, and a younger sister all seem to have inherited this illness. An older sister and a twin brother somehow managed to turn out normal, as far as I can tell. I'm doing what you are, and that is trying my best to avoid conflict, but man, it gets hard sometimes when she throws verbal and emotional knives at me. I try to think of her as a small frightened child when she gets this way. Seems to take the edge off a bit. 

[Red5]

Five28, I recently found a you tube page, its called "What's Wrong... .with Kris and Steve"... .the lady, Kris has posted all kinds of videos describing NPD, and BPD explanations... .you should check it out !... .over the last few days, i have been furiously reading and studying this subject, and what I am understanding is that these women were "wounded" somehow when they were children, so yes indeed, when they attack you, and it may only take ten seconds into the argument, and then you are confronted by the 4-6 year old mentality it seems... .so wow !... .all these years now, I never understood, .why, I could never "reason" my way out of any argument with her... .I also found this on the internet... .this fella named "up-town" seems to have alot of good information... here is the link -> www.talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell-2.html#post473522

[Red5]

Thank you Mutt, its good to let off some steam here... .again thanks !

[Five28]

Red5, thanks for the link and the YouTube info. I'll be sure to check it out. Sorry you have to go through this nonsense but I'm glad I'm not the only one and others are dealing with the same stuff that I am. I know my wife had a traumatic childhood and this probably triggered her BPD. Her mom, older brother, and younger sister all have BPD, at least in my opinion, as none have been professionally diagnosed. The younger sister also seems to be bi-polar on top of this, and I think my brother in law has it even worse than I do. I always wonder what happened to this family when they were growing up that caused such serious mental issues as adults. When we were teens and dating, I've seen her mother going into fits of rage, grabbing her by the ear and dragging her into the house while screaming at the top of her lungs. I can only imagine what happened once they got behind closed doors. I walk on eggshells almost daily, or every few days at least. After educating myself here, I've started thinking of her as a scared, traumatized child whenever she goes off on me. Seems to keep me from getting too mad at her verbal and emotional abuse.

[Auspicious]

The thing is, you can't control her, but you can control her.

Sorry, of course that was supposed to read "you can't control her, but you can control you"