I was blamed for how she feels about herself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I remember being yelled at and being blamed for how she feels about herself during one of her rages. "You make me feel like s###!" She would say. I told her that I was not responsible for her self esteem or how she feels about herself. Especially since I tried to help build her self esteem.

Of course that never made a difference. She just wanted someone to blame for her negative emotions.  The problem is that during this time the experience was damaging me.  Her low self esteem and accusations were damaging my already bad self esteem. It was a toxic mixture.

[Aesir]

I remember being yelled at and being blamed for how she feels about herself during one of her rages. "You make me feel like s###!" She would say. I told her that I was not responsible for her self esteem or how she feels about herself. Especially since I tried to help build her self esteem.

Of course that never made a difference. She just wanted someone to blame for her negative emotions.  The problem is that during this time the experience was damaging me.  Her low self esteem and accusations were damaging my already bad self esteem. It was a toxic mixture.

[talks to angels]

Aesir I understand how this hurts. The is how the disorder works, they do believe this. Like it has been described that they mirror you. When you question anything that makes them look in the "mirror" and see a fault in themselves, they blame you. Not fair, but you have to remember they are the broken ones and have to project all their faults back on you.

Mine even stated he was afraid he would destroy me. I should have listened. Now that it is over though, he is not at fault. He has a new pretty mirror that is reflected how great he is. Its just a matter of time before the cracks start to show again.

[abused by bpd]

Aesir, there are several symptoms of borderline in your experience. I certainly feel for you. Been through it all for 23 years. First a borderline is only concerned with their feelings and emotions. Your feelings and emotions will never be considered, or matter. The borderline is completely self consumed. This is also a perfect example of the flip. The borderline has an enormous amount of guilt, anger, and low self esteem. Therefore, to deflect or cope with those emotions it needs to be flipped to another. Then it can be transferred to denial. The other person is the liar. The other person should feel guilty. The other person is to blame for everything that is wrong in the relationship. Just imagine what goes on inside the mind of a borderline. It is like a non stop blender inside the brain. The constant task of masking others. Especially those closest. The constant cover up of lie after lie. continuous flipping of anything and everything to someone else. The shame for all the triggered events. The non stop debating of everything and anything. It is a constant loop that never ends. You could waste the rest of your life trying to rationalize what a borderline thinks and acts out. Ultimately, it does not really matter. Because the borderline has no compassion, respect, or feelings of any kind, for anyone else other than themselves. You are completely correct. It is more than a toxic environment. If it allowed to continue any normal person will become mentally affected and abused. It is just a matter of time. Unless anyone can tell me something different. After being abused by a borderline for 23 years, I finally got it. There is only one possible way of dealing with borderline personality disorder.
AVOID, AVOID, AVOID!  

[jo19854]

Sorry, this is not a hijack! but i got so triggered

Mine even stated he was afraid he would destroy me. I should have listened.

Mine was in usa in 2009 and beginning 2010, she didnt manage it here (Holland) any longer.
After half a year in USA she locked herself up in a motel and was drinking herself to death. She called me and said "Jo... run away from me as fast as you can because i will ruin your life".
... .2 weeks later i picked her up when she begged for it

She got liver failure here and she crawled through the eye of the needle (i was with her in the hospital when the doctor told me she didnt had a 50% chance of surviving that day). She survived and stayed in a nursing home for 5 months. When she came out she was sober and things went so well we got married over here in 2012. In feb 2014 (after a chemo for hepatitis C that lasted 48 weeks) she left when i was at work without explanation and i never have heard from her ever again. Afterwards i discovered lies about her past.

One thing she didnt lie about was that one sentence that she would ruin my life... .she did.

Every day i wake up shaking, and go to bed in tears.

By picking her up in i saved her life, and so did the chemo in 2013. But with her desertion she took my life apart and i still cannot function well.

[Aesir]

Thanks for the great responses.  I remember telling my ex that she felt like s*** anyway and she just wanted to blame someone. When I said that she went ballistic. It was like how dare I challenge her accusations and reasoning.

[Curiously1]

If she is not self aware unfortunately the blame will always be shifted onto you and other people (projection). The only way she knows to feel better is to have someone else to blame for the unwanted feelings and attributes she has inside of her. She cannot be the only cause that makes no sense in her mind she wouldn't do that to herself so it must be other people who have provoked her to feel that way so she thinks to herself.

[WishIKnew82]

The context of this is very important. I read some of your other posts so I know she had a whole bunch of symptoms of BPD. So I hope people will not just take your comment as a norm for how BPD people act. With me it was the other way around. I was the one being made feel like . BPD people can really destroy your sense of self and make you feel totally inadequate. Projection I guess. It is just a side note. Not against you or anything.
Sorry you had to go through that. Being blamed for their own issues is horrible. Have had it happen to me also. On a different level. Like me being responsible for how he wanted to kill himself. Worst years of my life.

[Wood stock]

Ahh yes, when I would try to have a rational discussion with my BPD ex about things, the line he used was "All you want to do is make me feel bad about myself." My response was, "Noo. All I want to do is get you to see the light and Just maybe start recognizing the behaviors that are causing your life to spiral out of control all in an effort to get you to STOP the behaviors."

He couldn't get that. So of course the behaviors didn't stop. Hence why I am here still trying to make sense of it all. 

[FSTL]

Attempting to reason with my BPD whilst she was in a mood was pointless. She believed and accepted her feelings and emotions were her reality and there was no point trying to do anything other than validate and wait for it to pass.

Just before my second last breakup, I spent a couple of days of a very expensive holiday comforting her because her anxieties were out of control. Total focus and attention on her. On the next day I got some bad news and was a little depressed for an hour, snapped out of it and had a nice time that night.

She then broke up with me, telling me I was depressed and she could "have my baby and then I would leave her whilst depressed". Completely disproportionate as she had spent days in an anxious state, but that's all it takes with someone who is so self absorbed. It's all about them, except when it comes to blaming, then it is all about you.

[Aesir]

Attempting to reason with my BPD whilst she was in a mood was pointless. She believed and accepted her feelings and emotions were her reality and there was no point trying to do anything other than validate and wait for it to pass.

Just before my second last breakup, I spent a couple of days of a very expensive holiday comforting her because her anxieties were out of control. Total focus and attention on her. On the next day I got some bad news and was a little depressed for an hour, snapped out of it and had a nice time that night.

She then broke up with me, telling me I was depressed and she could "have my baby and then I would leave her whilst depressed". Completely disproportionate as she had spent days in an anxious state, but that's all it takes with someone who is so self absorbed. It's all about them, except when it comes to blaming, then it is all about you.

I had that experience too. I could be depressed and having a rough time but it didn't make any difference to her.  Then again I was also fearful of talking about my issues because it may set her off. I never took my depression or fears out on her but it was ok for her to do it.