I think that most, if not all, of us here can relate to the pain of our pwBPD's words. It is really hard to hear the horrible things that can be said coming from someone that we love and who loves us.
It has helped me immensely to remember that when the people in life who have suffered from BPD get like that, it really isn't about me, they are lashing out so as to avoid their own feelings. I don't take it personally anymore. I know that I don't have to own and believe what they say.
The sidebar to the right of the page has some great links to help you get started with not taking what he says so personally and becoming defensive. In addition to listening with empathy and not being invalidating (both have links to the right), it will help to not
JADE. In short, JADE'ing is justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. It doesn't actually help to do those things and typically just escalates the situation.