New here seeking support and advice.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't even know where to begin other than saying I need advice support and underatanding. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years. We have lived together the last year and a half.  I knew before we moved in together about his BPD. I always seemed to be able to help him through the spirals.  That is up until he had some major health issues a year ago that left him unemployed disabled and fully dependent on me. Since then his BPD episodes has spiraled out of control.  We are now in the phas I'm always wrong, everything is my fault, he feels that I look down on him cause he can't work but most of all he unintentionally hurts me emotionally.  He's never been physical but sometimes the things he says and ways he makes me feel hurt worse than as if he'd just hit me physically.  Guess I just need someone to tell me I'm not alone and offer advice on how I can help him. My natural instinct when he gets in one of his mood is to get defensive. I've read this is the wrong thing to do.  Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle situations would be great. Thanks in advance.

[Loving1withBPD]

I don't even know where to begin other than saying I need advice support and underatanding. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years. We have lived together the last year and a half.  I knew before we moved in together about his BPD. I always seemed to be able to help him through the spirals.  That is up until he had some major health issues a year ago that left him unemployed disabled and fully dependent on me. Since then his BPD episodes has spiraled out of control.  We are now in the phas I'm always wrong, everything is my fault, he feels that I look down on him cause he can't work but most of all he unintentionally hurts me emotionally.  He's never been physical but sometimes the things he says and ways he makes me feel hurt worse than as if he'd just hit me physically.  Guess I just need someone to tell me I'm not alone and offer advice on how I can help him. My natural instinct when he gets in one of his mood is to get defensive. I've read this is the wrong thing to do.  Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle situations would be great. Thanks in advance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

Loving1
  welcome,

what you are looking for is exactly what is offered here, support, understanding, and advice.  What you are going through sounds tough.  I am sure that his disease weighs on you daily and then to add the additional circumstances of his be laid off and dependent pn you incredibly stressed out.  Know that we are here for you... .continue to post and tell us about your situation, its cathartic and advice will follow.

[Meili]

 

I think that most, if not all, of us here can relate to the pain of our pwBPD's words. It is really hard to hear the horrible things that can be said coming from someone that we love and who loves us.

It has helped me immensely to remember that when the people in life who have suffered from BPD get like that, it really isn't about me, they are lashing out so as to avoid their own feelings. I don't take it personally anymore. I know that I don't have to own and believe what they say.

The sidebar to the right of the page has some great links to help you get started with not taking what he says so personally and becoming defensive. In addition to listening with empathy and not being invalidating (both have links to the right), it will help to not JADE. In short, JADE'ing is justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. It doesn't actually help to do those things and typically just escalates the situation.