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Author Topic: Please tell me they will be the same with the next one  (Read 539 times)
supernurse

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« on: January 09, 2017, 12:27:53 PM »

Hi.  I've been married to my BPDh for 22 years.  Long story short - years of struggle, years of emotional abuse, years of hurt, years of affairs (8 that I know of), porn addiction, ignoring anything and everything that I needed or wanted.  He moved out 9 months ago and has since been on multiple dates with multiple women and slept with multiple more women.  His current girlfriend broke things off with him because he wouldn't divorce me. 

Right now, I plan to file for divorce tomorrow.  I am devastated - this is something that I promised in front of family, friends, church, and God that I wouldn't do.  I am shaking and crying as I fill the paperwork out, but I don't see another answer.  He has said that he will pursue the other woman if we divorce, so I know he will be headed back her way as soon as he knows I've filed.

Please, someone tell me that he will not be successful with her.  I can't stand the thought of him with someone else - it's not the way it was supposed to be, but I don't have another path at this point.  One of my greatest fears is that he will be successful in a relationship with someone else.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2017, 12:32:35 PM »

Congrats on taking this very difficult step. I can tell you, it's a journey and you have support here when you need to vent.

My ex is very similar to your with the promiscuity and addiction. I will tell you this... .she has been with my replacement and has been living with her for two years now. We were together four years but I never let her move in... .it was a gut instinct that it would be a bad idea... .
I was right.

The timeline may be different but it's contingent on the personal boundaries of the person after you. If they have 0 boundaries it lasts longer, doesn't mean it's any better. Clearly this is not healthy for YOU and you are most important. He violated your marriage by cheating on you. I am Catholic and I understand how you feel  You are not failing ANYONE. You are protecting yourself. You did all you could.

A leopard NEVER changes it's spots. Don't forget that!  
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2017, 12:52:59 PM »

All of what Pretty Woman has said is on point.

I know you have the fear that your exh might live happily ever after but know that he won't be happy for very long. Your exh not going to change for anyone and eventually his disorder will take over as it always does.
If it lasts long her life will be a miserable one containing emotional abuse, years of hurt and years of affairs. All of what you had to deal with if not worse.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour
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ShadowA
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2017, 12:53:14 PM »

They won't be successful if you consider the grand scheme.

However, he will probably go through idolization with her. As someone basically said somewhere on another thread...
They love in reverse.
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2017, 01:09:48 PM »

You got 22 years. That is more than anyone else will ever put with him for.
If there is a best, you got the best of him.

But as you end this and begin to heal you will realize you will be happier and healthier without him.

I know that doesn't mean much now, and what you are going through is very traumatic. Hang there, Many of us have suffered the same things and will tell you there is better life ahead.
You will not care about him once the fog lifts and you see that you deserve better.
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apollotech
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2017, 01:23:08 PM »

supernurse,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I too had a 22 year marriage come to an end, due to an affair on my spouse's behalf (she is not a  pwBPD). Like you, I felt that "this is not supposed to happen," yet it did. So I get where you're coming from with those feelings. It wasn't your fault; HE terminated the marriage, regardless of who actually files. Like you, I filed for divorce. I saw it as a forced option.

Now, as PW has stated, a new partner will not cure his BPD. It is a component of him; therefore, any change in the BPD will have to be prompted from/by him, notably therapy. Also, as PW stated, the longevity/quality of the relationship will be in part dependent on what and how much the new suitor will tolerate. But, the BPD will still be there. I suspect, like you, this new suitor is in for a tough road ahead.
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FSTL
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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2017, 03:44:49 PM »

BPD doesn't disappear with the next relationship. What you went through was awful... .whilst they may sustain an idealisation phase, you can bet your life savings he will cheat again as well as abuse.
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tryingsome
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« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2017, 03:50:47 PM »

Going through a breakup is tough! It is hard not to feel a little like the short end of the stick was handed to you.
It's a climb to move into the realm of positive thoughts again, especially when one has poured so much into the relationship with the disordered.
I trust you will make the climb! And usually it is when you start loving yourself again. This is really what a pwBPD gives you.

But looking at this picture, especially without BPD in the mix. If one person dated another, sometimes you just don't mesh. It is impossible to mesh in every way.
Maybe they are too rigid, or normal. Maybe too forward or too sloppy. Maybe they just rub you the wrong way and arguments continue over and over.
Eventually you break and wish them the best of life.

When I look at my ex with BPD, I hope the next relationship is better for them. I hope that they and their partner get to have it all.
I hope they feel and act normal with those amazing sunny spots in their disposition . I do hope the best for them.
And if that does happen, well then I think I did a pretty good job on my end. And if it doesn't, well I hope they can figure it out on the next relationship.

Now don't get me wrong... .there were times I was a bitter in the beginning. It fades; and it should fade in you also.
But it would be hard pressed to hope someone (and the lives they touch) continue into turmoil and chaos. I believe that is just the exhausted soul speaking.
You'll make it out and the people here can show you that you are not alone in suffering. Cheers to you.
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supernurse

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« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2017, 03:54:53 PM »

I'm sorry.  I guess it does sound like I'm wishing misery to him and his new one(s).  I really don't.  It's just the hurt part of me speaking. 
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2017, 03:56:42 PM »

Hi supernurse.

As I read your post, the thought coming to my mind was this:

Does your ex aspire to the same kind of relationship that you aspire to?
Does your ex want to be successful in a relationship?
It strikes me that women are dispensable and interchangeable in his world and that monogamy and living happily ever after are not in his value system. What do you think?

Would you consider joining a programme for women who have been in relationships where domestic abuse was a feature (which includes emotional abuse and affairs by definition)? I have found such a programme to be absolutely enlightening.

Love Lifewriter x
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #10 on: January 09, 2017, 04:15:12 PM »

I wanted to stop in and offer you some hugs.  

My story is similar to yours. Ex and I were together 20 years. Married a little over 17. I kicked him out 8 or 9 months ago. I still don't have the courage to file for divorce. I am proud of myself for actually getting the nerve to kick him out. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to file. So many people get sucked back in before getting that far. That is my biggest fear. I don't want back on that roller coaster. I don't want to have to hide my feelings any more.

Like you, I never ever dreamed that things would end up this way. It breaks my heart that I got to this point. I just couldn't do it any more. The sad part when sex addiction is involved is that it is difficult to share with just anyone. If ex was an alcoholic or had some problem that was obvious to the outside world, then people would be singing a different tune. I talked to a college friend last night and she wished me well and said something about ex and I working things out. I straight up told her that my plan is to divorce him. The relationship is NOT sustainable.

Yes, you promised you wouldn't divorce him in front of all of those people. What about his promise to love, honor, cherish, and whatever vows/promises he made? He broke the wedding vows long before you did. I tried to uphold my vows for a long, long time and just couldn't do it any more. A husband should cherish his wife and show her love and respect. The behavior of a sex addict is anything but loving or respectful and nobody should have to endure that.

Will he be successful with her? Who knows? If he is successful, it won't be because he has magically changed. If he does magically change, it won't be a change that he can sustain. As soon as his true colors start showing, things will likely fall apart. The other lady has probably been keeping him at a distance because of the fact that he is married. If that is the case, that is the perfect set up for him to avoid emotional intimacy. As soon as she starts wanting more than he can give, it will likely devolve. Something else to think about is the fact that sex addicts seem to get excited over things that are forbidden fruit so to speak. Before marriage, ex had no problems in the physical department. As soon as we got married and being with me was no longer taboo, things got weird. (Typing this out to you is helping me because I know the feeling of seeing him so happy with somebody else and wondering if that confirms his claims that I was demanding or unrealistic about what I was wanting.)

When I used to try to tell ex how hurtful his behavior was, he would dismiss me and make it all about him. He was hurting ME because of his sex addiction and I was supposed to feel sorry for him. The bad part is that I did. When he would tell me stuff like it wasn't easy for him either, I would shut up. There was no point in trying to tell him how hurtful it was to have a spouse do those things. He acted like I had horns growing out of my head when I said I felt rejected or worthless or unattractive. Geesh, I shouldn't feel rejected by him. I should be okay with whatever because it wasn't anything personal. Blah, blah, blah.

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Portent
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« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2017, 04:35:56 PM »

Buy popcorn.

As told my PBDw right to her face 'at least your venom will go to someone who deserves it this time.'
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Kelli Cornett
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« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2017, 05:23:07 PM »

There are no guarantees in life. Who knows what is in store for his future or yours.

You have to take things a day at a time and do what's best for you.


That is just reality.
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« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2017, 05:29:33 PM »

I don't think somebody new will make our pwPBDs change at all. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Yes there is the idealization phase and we all know how long that lasts and what it feels like when it is over.

I pity the next person. Sometimes it crosses my mind that she might meet up with somebody less strong than myself ( and believe me I felt weak as a kitten most times) who will commit suicide because of her.
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« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2017, 07:08:11 PM »

Mine was high functioning and would never admit any fault so there is no way she would ever seek help to improve. There is also no way someone as insecure, angry, rude, selfish, controlling, negative, paranoid, and disrespectful as she is could ever have a healthy long term rs. She told me once she hasn't had great relationships. The guy before me lasted a lot longer but was a complete doormat and in the end they were both miserable, same with her rs prior to that one. It's not going to change. The complete lack of empathy and consideration for the other person's needs alone would preclude her from having a mutually satisfying healthy rs.
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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2017, 01:23:44 PM »

They will be the same with the next one.

When I first met my ex, he seemed to suffer from all sorts of addictions - cocaine, promiscuity. I didn't know it at the time but he had a live-in girlfriend when we first got together. I guess she ended it shortly after that.

When I decided to end it before things got serious, he found someone else immediately. In fact I don't think I was ever his "only" partner. He cheated on that replacement mutliple times and she finally ended it - seems they did some tit for tat for a while though. That doesn't work either.

When we recycled, he made sure to let me know of other women he would be spending the night with, including bringing back an ex, so I ended it.

Then he found another replacement. Things seemed more stable with her. I thought - maybe he's found the right girl to help him settle. Maybe it was just about the right match, the wrong match, maybe he grew up. Then... .he called me because she was out of town and he wanted to take advantage and have sex with me. I said no, he said he had "other options"! 

hmmm. so... .basically sex addict = sex addict = sex addict.  And I thought for the longest time that if only I did something differently, things would have turned out differently. It took a long time of observing him to figure out that there was NOTHING I could have done. He is addicted. The only person who can break his addiction is him and in order for him to be motivated to do it, he needs to hit ROCK BOTTOM - having a passive girlfriend keeps him in a situation just above rock bottom. And if she leaves, well he's got other "options" to also avoid rock bottom. Rock bottom is the point where you change. Since these people are change resistant they have developed many strategies to make sure rock bottom never happens or happens so briefly that they can get out before changing. Good luck. Wishing that you recover from the hurt that has been inflicted on you.
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Stripey77
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« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2017, 06:57:23 PM »

Poor you. All your hopes and aspirations, the future you thought you would have, have in effect been taken away from you.  However long or short lived the relationship any of us on here have had, the disappointment, the lack of sense to it all, is a universal theme. I am quite sure that none of us ever thought to be in love and love someone who could do the things that our partners/exes have done to us, however different they have all been.

You have been through a lot, and most would say, enough. I think you feel as if you have somehow failed, and I totally understand this, but... .you didn't fail. The condition has snatched away from you (both) the security you both pledged one another. Please don't beat yourself up about it, but be kind to you. Right now, you need to be your own best friend. No it's not what you wanted, no one usually goes flippantly into marriage expecting it to fall apart, let alone in circumstances like this. Who of us had ever in our wildest dreams imagined the things that have happened to us? I hadn't even heard of BPD until it 'happened' into our lives.

I would just like to say one thing though; I actually believe it is totally possible for a leopard to change its spots... .otherwise no one would ever have managed to turn over a new leaf from a life of crime, or to turn away from drink or drug addiction. The key is whether the leopard WANTS to change its spots, and to do that in the first place, he needs to have an awareness of what is wrong and therefore take ownership of it.

I have a close friend whose spouse is diagnosed BPD and under treatment for it, who wants to change and get better. It has manifested itself in a very different way to the traits my own partner exhibited, but the difference with him is, whilst he has repeatedly referred to the 'darkness' in his brain, that his brain needs healing, that he doesn't deserve me, and so on... .is that I don't think he knows what is wrong with him. So how can he go about changing his patterns of behaviour, as lucid and highly intelligent as he is? Answer = he can't.

You don't state whether your husband knows or is diagnosed.  If he is, then that is the first step towards hope - if that is what you want - for a future with him in it. I think deep down in your heart, you still want this. But, I also think you have (quite rightly)  had enough, and at some point, self preservation and our own sanity must come first. You've tolerated far more than many of us here would have tolerated, and between us all, that's a lot.

It is time to put you first and ask yourself whether you think he is capable of, or willing to, change. If the answer is no, then you have the answer to your post... it will, very sadly for all concerned, almost certainly go the same way for the next one, and the one after that. In fact, as others have said, he is unlikely to find someone to stay with him for as long as you did.  It is no consolation to know that others are likely to suffer in future, but it will hopefully prove to you, in time, that in no way shape or form, was this about you or anything you did.  The problems are in his head and he has to live with them 24/7... .until he gets that looked at, then believe me, it is not suddenly going to work out with someone else.

Take care of you.
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2017, 01:14:35 PM »

Thanks to everyone for the replies.  He is actually telling me about how well he is treating the new women.  His words: "Everything I did wrong with you I am doing right with _______."

I actually believe (whether it's correct or not) that he is doing things better with her/them.  He says he never tried to do better with me because "after 22 years of screwing up, I couldn't even begin to try to overcome that."

I will be a mess on days like Valentine's Day, because I know that he will be the sweetest person to her.  Me, on the other hand - 1st Valentine's Day consisted of us going grocery shopping 1 week before Valentine's Day, he immediately grabbed a box of candy and a balloon as we walked in the store, put them in the basket, didn't say a word, spent an hour shopping, then shoved them at me in the aisle as we were checking out after the cashier scanned them, said "Here," and that was it for the whole thing.  Literally nothing else a week later. None of the next 20 were better.

He seems like he can be a thoughtful partner if he wants to be.  That's the tough part.  Why didn't he want to be thoughtful with me?  I do know that I am better off in the long run.  But, 22 years is a long time.  It's tough to think of him with other people, even though he has had multiple affairs.  He is really moving on - girlfriends, dates, talking, sharing things.

It's just hard. 
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supernurse

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« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2017, 01:58:18 PM »

I think what may bother me the most is that over the 23 years we've been together, I'm afraid I've given him enough crap for the things he's done that he knows now how he should treat someone.  We were both so young when we got married that we were both learning how to be with someone else.  Now he knows what not to do & how significant others really want to be treated?  Will they/she get the benefit of what he's learned & I'm left behind?
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« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2017, 03:47:38 PM »

Buy popcorn.

As told my PBDw right to her face 'at least your venom will go to someone who deserves it this time.'


Oooh... .I will have to remember this one, because mine cheated on me with someone who was married. I know for a fact my ex has not changed and is doing all the same things with the new person... .Yes, there was the idolizing in the beginning. She is now divorced and ready to marry him I am sure. She is in conflict with her family and deleted them from her friends list on Facebook. This tells me he has managed to pull her from her friends and her family... .much sooner than he did with me (two years as opposed to eight). They do not like him. He called me up drunk and I know he is still "trying to become sober". He keeps friending the same type of women on Facebook that he cheated on me with. So what I am telling you is yes... .it will be the same as it was with you. It is true, it will last as long as the person who ends up with him can put up with it. As you know after all these years, it doesn't mean they are any happier. I felt that way at first too, like somehow I was the one who did something wrong. I did- I did not have boundaries. I think if we tend to blame ourselves because this is what they want us to think. It is only because the new person is not criticizing them or telling them how to act. It will come- I promise you. They think they are with someone who is right for them because it is new and there is no conflict. As soon as there is, he will try and get you to take him back. Do not fall for it. He won't mean it... .it is just a way to keep you attached just in case this one doesn't work out. Knowing all of this doesn't make it any less difficult on us. We still feel a loss. We are still alone to deal with the aftermath. It takes a long time to get through this the longer you were in it. Don't beat yourself up... .you were doing your best. It is all very sad, I know... .but you will not have to deal with all of the drama any more.  You can finally have a good life if you choose to find it... .   
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« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2017, 04:50:52 PM »

Thanks to everyone for the replies.  He is actually telling me about how well he is treating the new women.  His words: "Everything I did wrong with you I am doing right with _______."

 

I know how hard it is to hear stuff like that. Ex went on about how some other lady inspired him and how they had a spiritual connection, blah, blah, blah. It felt like a kick in the gut. Words can't describe the pain of hearing that stuff. I felt stunned and hurt and angry and could not believe that somebody could be so cruel.

Excerpt
I actually believe (whether it's correct or not) that he is doing things better with her/them.  He says he never tried to do better with me because "after 22 years of screwing up, I couldn't even begin to try to overcome that."

Ex said stuff like that at different times. It was so frustrating because it was like he wasn't even trying with me. Then, I would see stuff that he was writing to these other women and I would be like, "What? He didn't speak to me with so much regard and concern. What the heck do they have that I don't? I have his kids. We have a house. He and I have a life together yet he is giving these other women more consideration than he is giving me.

Excerpt
He seems like he can be a thoughtful partner if he wants to be.  That's the tough part.  Why didn't he want to be thoughtful with me?  I do know that I am better off in the long run.  But, 22 years is a long time.  It's tough to think of him with other people, even though he has had multiple affairs.  He is really moving on - girlfriends, dates, talking, sharing things.

I am not too far behind you in years. It is has been almost 20. I keep trying to change the question around from why didn't he want to do those things with me to: Why did I want to be with somebody that did the things he did? Why did I continue to let myself be treated that way? Why did I settle for somebody that didn't even extend basic courtesies at times?
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« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2017, 11:39:04 PM »

I think what may bother me the most is that over the 23 years we've been together, I'm afraid I've given him enough crap for the things he's done that he knows now how he should treat someone.  We were both so young when we got married that we were both learning how to be with someone else.  Now he knows what not to do & how significant others really want to be treated?  Will they/she get the benefit of what he's learned & I'm left behind?

supernurse,

No, the other person will not reap the benefits of his newly "learned" behaviors. If he is a pwBPD, as others have stated, break out the popcorn. It may be lovey-dovey in the beginning, that's idealization, also a product of BPD, but God help the other lady when she starts triggering his engulfment issues. She won't be the princess of fantasyville anymore. My guess is that all along he knew the proper way to treat someone, but the disorder overrides all of that. That is what DBT therapy tries to address, instilling better coping mechanisms in the pwBPD.

At some point you'll get free of the "what if" stage of recovery. I encourage you to learn as much as you can about the disorder in order to understand what went on in your marriage. I think that you'll find that BPD was driving the bus a great deal of the time that y'all were together, the both of you were passangers.
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« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2017, 12:08:30 AM »

Hi supernurse

You have been with someone for a long time that has shown you their true colours; always go by actions over words, especially with a PWBPD.
The cycle ALWAYS repeats, I know it is very painful to see them with someone else and think that maybe it will work; unless both partners are willing to get the help needed to make it work, it will just be more pain. Remember that BPD exists to deny itself, and most never get the help they need.
Only someone who really wants help will ever get/accept it.
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« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2017, 02:10:43 PM »

One of my exes wrote to me that when he met the new girl his life had done a "180", that everything was new for him... .and he added that he didn't really "regret" the four years we'd spent together, but that his life was now turned upside down. I replied that what he said was hurtful... .and next message he kept going with all that crap. It was firm NC after that, his messages were filtered to some archived folder in my inbox. And I never regretted having him out of my life for good. And if he didn't regret it, I sure did regret the years I spent with him.

Another ex who told me that "new girl" LOVED him... .that he had gotten "better" because SHE loved him (he knew he had BPD or traits). Next thing I know he's cheating on her.

The fact of the matter is, this is just another mechanism to divert blame away from themselves, which if you examine it closely means there is no change whatsoever. They are still blaming other people for THEIR behaviours - when you are the discarded one, they are blaming you - even if you are not to blame.  Soon, when problems arise with the new product (uh I mean gal/guy) well... .guess whose fault that will be? A pwBPD cannot ever be at fault, nor can an pwNPD, this is part of the problem, because if they are not at fault, there is zero self examination and there is no real change in behaviour. 

Your ex probably truly believes what he is saying to you... .that you were the problem, and that all problems will be gone now. Don't believe his delusions. You can be sure that he will soon encounter the same problems he had with you, and so he will think this "new girl" she has the same problems as old girl. must find other "new girl"" and so on, and so on. This will only change if he finally says: I am the problem. I must change. and then actually does the hard work to change. But the way he thinks is made for him to never ever get to that point.  If he did change he wouldn't be writing to you to blame and devalue you. Devaluation of others is part of the disorder. The disorder is still alive and kicking, you are just seeing a different side of it.  Ultimately he has a story in his mind and he will do everything in his power to stick to it: "I am not responsible for how I feel or behave, my happiness or unhappiness is all dependent on the behavior of others."
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2017, 02:38:37 PM »

I can add to this thread finally.
Yes they will be the same. I have proof.

So my ex when she got really mad at me would run off. Then she would call or text like crazy. Not un common right? Unless I caved to her way of thinking she would eventually get so mad she would repeatedly throw her phone until it broke.
Then email me and say, sorry my phone broke. (duh)

So last week ex emails me and said her phone was broken. So after 4 years of the same phone being dropped, kicked, knocked off the counter and now it broke? Okay, that can happen.
Once I saw the phone it wasn't broken it was obliterated.
Even funnier I found out she was with my replacement just before her phone broke.

Yes, I promise they will be the same. Replacement drove her to this pretty fast.
Glad I am out.
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2017, 10:02:00 PM »

Yup, the effects of the disease are entirely impersonal.  You can thank your lucky stars that the relationship has ended, and lament the fact that some poor unfortunate soul has to now experience the BPD hell... .for the first time. 
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #26 on: January 21, 2017, 02:36:28 AM »

I think some of the problems lies in how pwBPD see love. Just as long as they feel 'love', everything is wonderful but to feel 'love' for us, they must feel 'loved' by us. However, 'love' is not what other people understand it to be. 'Love' has to be perfect to count. The new person 'loves' me and you didn't is a way of saying 'You stopped meeting my needs perfectly which means you don't love me', 'You failed to meet my expectations which means you don't love me', 'You expected something in return which means you don't love me' and hence I must leave because you are going to hurt me. What may be happening is that a person with BPD is experiencing a primal rage against mother/the universe because of the inevitable separation that took place. Just as soon as any relationship reaches the phase of separation (where being 'in love' reaches the phase where mature love has to take over), the relationship falls apart because the primal rage takes over. The 'love' they felt is then masked to consciousness. To a person with BPD, separation is tantamount to abandonment which to them signals lack of love so they feel forced to seek it elsewhere. A person with BPD does not see the world as it is.

Just a few thoughts... .
LW
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hope2727
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« Reply #27 on: January 21, 2017, 09:30:12 AM »

Excerpt
Just as soon as any relationship reaches the phase of separation (where being 'in love' reaches the phase where mature love has to take over), the relationship falls apart because the primal rage takes over. The 'love' they felt is then masked to consciousness. To a person with BPD, separation is tantamount to abandonment which to them signals lack of love so they feel forced to seek it elsewhere. A person with BPD does not see the world as it is.

This really resonated with me. It is pretty much exactly what I experienced. I miss my pwBPD so much but he just can't see what healthy love is and I honestly don't think he ever will. Its just all so sad.
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michel71
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« Reply #28 on: January 21, 2017, 11:23:57 AM »

This is a great thread. Without a doubt the new person after us will fall from grace. BPD will always rear its ugly head, the relationship will eventually go south and then the gates of hell will open up.

I do feel sorry for that next person but also jealous as well for the beginning stages which will be wonderful and glorious. It was one of the happiest periods of my life. I also feel jealous because I still see my uBPDw as my WIFE. I don't want to envision her with somebody else. Too painful. Those words that she will tell the next victim were said to me, meant only for me ( so I thought). I don't like to go there.

Understanding BPD means understanding that they will go on to another to get their "supply". It is part of it. And from what I read this happens quicker than we are ready for (if we are ever "ready" for it at all). I think we all have to accept that we will be replaced. Hard to swallow. But true.

I have been reading that internet blogger ( and now author) Mark Manson. He has some really good ideas on all things life and relationships and says it in very matter of fact terms. Check him out. He has given me some solace and a good belly laugh as well.

YES THEY WILL BE THE SAME WITH THE NEXT ONE... .or worse! God help that poor soul.
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« Reply #29 on: January 21, 2017, 05:15:36 PM »

because the primal rage takes over.

Can you develop on this more? I sensed so much rage in my BPDex... .it was seething in him. It freaked me out - I always wondered what he would be capable of with this terrible rage, but to my knowledge he has not been physically violent (probably has temper tantrums - his phone looked kind of smashed once). But I would text messages that seethed with rage and it totally freaked me out.
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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