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Think About It... Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from abusive relationships because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources - and the emotions on both sides "amp" up. The best exit is one where you are boring and resigned. ~ Joseph Carver, PhD.
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Author Topic: Fiance just dumped me  (Read 440 times)

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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6

« on: January 10, 2017, 09:52:18 PM »

My life has become a total mess.  A year ago I was in a dead marriage and was swept away by a woman who as it turns out has quite a lot of BPD traits.  I was totally blown off my feet by this relationship and it's been amazing.  Everyone was getting on well, she relocated to a new city with me and for most of the year it's been awesome.  My children like her, even my ex wife was happy to interact with her.  A few months ago, we became engaged, at her insistence. 

I became aware of her BPD traits by describing her behaviour to a therapist I was seeing to help me work through my separation from a very long marriage with two young children and he used the term borderline which I was unfamiliar with.  Having found sites like this, it became a revelation and if I'm honest with myself, I have spent the last few months waiting something to happen.  Needless to say, it finally did but the speed of it has been quite shocking.

Tragically we still get on really well and in fact, the miserable mood she has been in for the past couple of months has suddenly lifted and it's very much like things were in the beginning.  She is aware she has BPD traits and has agreed to seek proper help.  I rationally know I need to just let her go but I just love her so much.  I know this relationship cannot go anywhere but it breaks my heart to know that this wonderful person is unable to find happiness due to her issues.  She has the classic problem that her parents were completely neglectful and she has a long history of unstable relationships, can't stay at a job for very long...  All the usual BPD traits basically.

I am living with her for the next two weeks, she is lovely and not abusive (she has never been abusive to me) but i'm scared what i will be like when I finally have to move out.  I am heartbroken and she wants to stay in touch afterwards.  I am inclined to try, but I need to see if I can handle it.  Surprisingly I am much less upset about this split up than I was when I left my marriage of 16 years.

Does anyone have any advice about what to expect from her?  It's hard for me to imagine her moving on quickly but I see that I should probably expect this.  She tells me she needs to take time to fix herself but I have come to learn I cannot believe statements like this.  I think I can handle being friends with her, but not if she hooks up with someone else in the short term, that would kill me.  I think based on how I feel and how I have handled my last breakup which was just a year back I should bounce back in a few months but I really don't know.  The relationship has been so intense.  I can't help but feel like a total idiot and that I have totally messed up my life.
All members still incontact with their partner should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions.
If you are evaluating a decision to stay or leave, please post on Conflicted and Deciding
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1104

« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2017, 10:06:28 PM »

I am so sorry that you are enduring all this. I know how devastating all this can be. You are not alone. There are great people here who can support and help you. Please be careful and kind to yourself in these next difficult days. You can get through this and you will not be alone. 
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Gender: Male
Posts: 376

« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 02:44:04 AM »

''Does anyone have any advice about what to expect from her?''

No one can answer that question...i believe some BPD's could be managed or i could be sarcastic,
from my experience i would say to expect a visit through hell but others might not agree.

What is your guts or intuitions telling you?
Your guess are as good as mine.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 376

« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 02:54:01 AM »

...i feel you!,i've been in your shoes, i know it's a hard place

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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6

« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2017, 04:37:58 AM »

...i feel you!,i've been in your shoes, i know it's a hard place

Thanks, it helps.  I'm just taking things a day at a time.  I think I've accepted its done and in some ways it's a relief I guess.  You guys really help because no one I know has any clue what it's like.
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293

« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2017, 07:02:38 AM »

Hey broken,

You are definitely dealing with a lot.  Do your best to not be overwhelmed and be honest with yourself.  Read up on Detaching, there is a bit just to the right of this box ------>

Give yourself time to process and do that away from her. Go for a walk, see a friend, etc.  You are not an idiot, and you are being too hard on yourself.

Y N W A - You Will Never Walk Alone.

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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6

« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2017, 03:54:58 PM »

Thanks ynwa,

I'm getting out and seeing friends and my girls.  I feel I will get through this, it just feels like a waste because I genuinely love my ex partner and I feel just so sad that we didn't get any chance to try fix things - she is just running away.

I'm probably in stage 3 (at least right now).  Thanks for the advice.  Been a few tears over the past day or so sad
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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 430

« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2017, 05:45:54 PM »

I don't have much advice but just wanted to say that i've been in your shoes. My ex BPD and I cost myself my marriage. A year later my exBPD did what all BPDs do and quit on me. The good news? I have to work with her and see her every day. That has been a joy!

You're in a hard place and tears will come. let the emotions all come up and be ok with them. and work with your therapist. those are the things that helped me. though I still have moments where i sit around my place, alone, and get mad at myself for letting this all happen. But my therapist always tells me to go forgive myself as I didn't know what I was getting into with the exBPD. we went in with big hearts and that's what we have deep down - big hearts. which is a good thing.

be good to yourself.


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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6

« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2017, 05:32:28 AM »

be good to yourself.

Ain't that the trick though.  I've just started a new job - which is really awesome but f me it's hard to concentrate.  The thing that kills me is that I rationally  *know* she has theses issues.  Her sister *knows* she has these issues and *she* knows as well.  I saw her sister tonight.  She hugged me and asked if I was OK.  I said no, not really but I understand why this is happening.  I said my SO just needs to get better.  Her sister (who by the way has at least the same if not worse issues of her own from their insanely neglectful parents) said, well doesn't knowing why make it even worse...?  I guess in a way it does because I know it's just hopeless.  On the plus side, there is at least acceptance of my SOs BPD traits.

As I said, rationally I know that her leaving (me) is the best thing. Emotionally it feels like my soul has been ripped out.  I know my own mental health has suffered because of this relationship.  I read about how partners of BPDs tend to be codependent and I can't honestly deny this has happened to me over the course of the past year (which is frightening to admit to myself) but here's the thing.  I never was before.  This is new.  I was married for ages and never felt anxious when my wife was away or if I was making her happy or not.  My now ex fiance however causes me all sorts of stress.  I'm really struggling to understand why.

Right now it feels horrible but I think in a few months I'll be OK.  I just am so disappointed because under the crazy she is a lovely person who deserves to be loved and love.  At this point I just don't think she is really capable of it but maybe I am just expecting the worst.  I'll keep you all updated.
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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 286

« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2017, 11:03:20 AM »

broken_888 not to sound like a song, but  "you may not know me but I'm your brother..."
This is what happened, very similar to what happened to me. Out of a bad marriage, and into a very committed relationship, turned engagement she begged for, turned left without warning to her ex boyfriend from high school she hadn't seen for a decade. So, much as it hurts, the first thing I can tell you is don't worry about what to expect from her. Expect nothing, hope for nothing. Hope she never calls, hope she doesn't bother you. At worst, she'll string you along again. At best, she'll talk to you (mine did 1x after leaving) and it won't be the her you knew or loved. It was a very cruel call, and I am sorry I bothered her to get it. Accept that the disease wins. If you can accept that, you can move on to taking care of you. I found myself again by getting physically active and finding some intellectual, but social pursuits (art uncorked, for wine and painting). Got me back to me faster than staying home. Mourn the relationship lost, but accept it, really accept it, that you may be the greatest person in the world, and it wouldn't matter a damn, it wouldn't change the result. Good luck in this, take the time you need, but I promise, it will one day be better.

"Chaos is not a pit. Chaos is a ladder." - Lord Petyr Baelish
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