Detaching in "Pull" stage - still hurts/confusing

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm fortunate that my 5 year relationship with uBPDexgf broke off before the more overt devaluing stage.  I can't even imagine how difficult recovery would be had I been witness to cheating, threats of suicide, manipulations  meant to hurt me... .by happenstance I moved across country and the commitment was never solidified enough whereby she engaged in the "push" part, only the pull.  But still, the hurt/confusion/constant anxiety/passion following several break-make ups... .took its toll on me both during and now 15 months after the official break-up.  After I moved back to my midwest home town (we were together in San Francisco, where she's from) I went to Outpatient therapy for depression, following what had been 3 years of major anxiety.  I didn't discover her uBPD until more than a year after our official break up (2 months ago).  It all came together and was pieced together after weeks of reading & spending time on this site, reading posts.  I love this site btw!

In some ways, I almost wished that I had caught her cheating bc that would have been an immediate deal killer.  That happend to me once before, and I walked away and never looked back, which was easy.  A clear boundary had been crossed.  In my relationship with uBPDexgf, the boundaries she pushed and crossed were not as well defined, and she could talk me into believing anything.  Even today I almost wish for proof of her cheating, bc turning my back and acknowledging the final death of this relationship would be easier in some ways.  The breaking of clear cut boundaries might be easier than working thru the more subtle ways her uBPD damaged me.  I think their superhuman skills at mirroring and reading those of us who feed their needs help them determine the most appropriate path for victimization.  I was not a victim to the smear campaign, cheating, lying, etc., but I was a victim nonetheless.  She was divorced before me, three damaged kids, horrible co-parenting arrangement with NPDex - I had just began my divorce process, she called me up to meet for drinks, and for the next 5 years I was her dutiful companion who loved & adored her and kept her happy & calm as we spent time together as the family she never had (I have no children).  I stepped in as the "hero", the fill in for the family dinners, trips, graduations, etc. The kids loved having me around because when I was there, mom was happy and calm. 

How was I a victim?  She wouldn't let me go.  How weak on my part is that?  All I had to do was break up and move on.  I'm single, childless footloose and fancy free, why date a divorced older woman with 3 psychologically messed up kids and War of the Roses relationship with an ex that lives around the corner?  My uBPDexgf made me feel great, I was giving her and
kids stability, showing them what a loving respectful relationship looks like, giving her the love and adoration she craves and deserves.  As the cracks in the relationship started appearing and her uBPD traits came out, I wanted out, and when I tried, she accused me of being a "dead beat dad", or asking me to stay until the middle child went off to college, "now is not a good time", "I'll surrogate a child for you" even though she's over 50.  We broke up 6-8 times, never for more than 3 days, and the make up sex and loving sessions were the most amazing experiences of my life.  Never tried heroin, and I won't, bc that's probably the only other "drug" that could compare.  One hit and you're an addict forever. 

I needed to write that out, I feel better now, thanks.  I've learned so much from my relationship with uBPDexgf.  I don't trust love or lust at first sight, or when it rages like a wildfire in the beginning.  Not that you couldn't get immediate passionate feelings with your soulmate, but the odds are just not good for that too happen.  I'm in a new relationship now and the sexual passion isn't the same, but it's good, loving & reciprocal.  The danger I see in entering new relationships is the desire the match the fiery passion you had with pwBPD.  That's like comparing heroin (sex with pwBPD) with a hit of weed.     

                   

[Movin-on]

I'm fortunate that my 5 year relationship with uBPDexgf broke off before the more overt devaluing stage.  I can't even imagine how difficult recovery would be had I been witness to cheating, threats of suicide, manipulations  meant to hurt me... .by happenstance I moved across country and the commitment was never solidified enough whereby she engaged in the "push" part, only the pull.  But still, the hurt/confusion/constant anxiety/passion following several break-make ups... .took its toll on me both during and now 15 months after the official break-up.  After I moved back to my midwest home town (we were together in San Francisco, where she's from) I went to Outpatient therapy for depression, following what had been 3 years of major anxiety.  I didn't discover her uBPD until more than a year after our official break up (2 months ago).  It all came together and was pieced together after weeks of reading & spending time on this site, reading posts.  I love this site btw!

In some ways, I almost wished that I had caught her cheating bc that would have been an immediate deal killer.  That happend to me once before, and I walked away and never looked back, which was easy.  A clear boundary had been crossed.  In my relationship with uBPDexgf, the boundaries she pushed and crossed were not as well defined, and she could talk me into believing anything.  Even today I almost wish for proof of her cheating, bc turning my back and acknowledging the final death of this relationship would be easier in some ways.  The breaking of clear cut boundaries might be easier than working thru the more subtle ways her uBPD damaged me.  I think their superhuman skills at mirroring and reading those of us who feed their needs help them determine the most appropriate path for victimization.  I was not a victim to the smear campaign, cheating, lying, etc., but I was a victim nonetheless.  She was divorced before me, three damaged kids, horrible co-parenting arrangement with NPDex - I had just began my divorce process, she called me up to meet for drinks, and for the next 5 years I was her dutiful companion who loved & adored her and kept her happy & calm as we spent time together as the family she never had (I have no children).  I stepped in as the "hero", the fill in for the family dinners, trips, graduations, etc. The kids loved having me around because when I was there, mom was happy and calm. 

How was I a victim?  She wouldn't let me go.  How weak on my part is that?  All I had to do was break up and move on.  I'm single, childless footloose and fancy free, why date a divorced older woman with 3 psychologically messed up kids and War of the Roses relationship with an ex that lives around the corner?  My uBPDexgf made me feel great, I was giving her and
kids stability, showing them what a loving respectful relationship looks like, giving her the love and adoration she craves and deserves.  As the cracks in the relationship started appearing and her uBPD traits came out, I wanted out, and when I tried, she accused me of being a "dead beat dad", or asking me to stay until the middle child went off to college, "now is not a good time", "I'll surrogate a child for you" even though she's over 50.  We broke up 6-8 times, never for more than 3 days, and the make up sex and loving sessions were the most amazing experiences of my life.  Never tried heroin, and I won't, bc that's probably the only other "drug" that could compare.  One hit and you're an addict forever. 

I needed to write that out, I feel better now, thanks.  I've learned so much from my relationship with uBPDexgf.  I don't trust love or lust at first sight, or when it rages like a wildfire in the beginning.  Not that you couldn't get immediate passionate feelings with your soulmate, but the odds are just not good for that too happen.  I'm in a new relationship now and the sexual passion isn't the same, but it's good, loving & reciprocal.  The danger I see in entering new relationships is the desire the match the fiery passion you had with pwBPD.  That's like comparing heroin (sex with pwBPD) with a hit of weed.     

                   

[heartandwhole]

Hi Movin-on,

I enjoyed reading about your progress. You make a lot of good points, and it sounds like despite the challenge and hurt of leaving a BPD relationship, you are growing from it. That is the best outcome many of us can hope for, so good on ya.